Kira's Diary (Re-start Day 5)

[Kira]

Day 53 completed. Had a good day, out and about but managed to stick to plan. Feel really in the swing of things. Experience slight 'hunger' or desire to have a CD bar whilst watching striclty but drank water carried on watching show and amazing the 'hunger' disappeared! Decided to brush my teeth at that point to avoid a slip!

Day 54 took a sneak peak (ok like I do everyday!) and weighed 9st 3 and a half! Weigh day isn't until Wednesday! Clothes are looser and I seem to be a dress size down, though weightloss on the tummy and hips is taking it's time. It's got to reduce at some point if I stick at it. Red crosses on my chart show I am doing great!

 

[Katycakes]

Well done Kira... look how far you have come from that first little red cross, and how daunting it all seemed. You have shown real focus and determination and you will drop that dress size, I have no doubt of it at all. Yay Kira!

xxx

 

[Kira]

Day 53 completed.
Day 54 completed and managed another 'run' and got a few yards further than last time and manged it in 1 minute less than the other day! Feeling good alhtough very apprehensive about this weekend now. I have to handle the reaction of people who haven't seen me since the middle of July when I was at least 24 pounds heavier than I am now. Not sure what reaction I will get, if any and don't know how I will handle it. Morever, conscious about the food and drink but I'll be driving so no alcohol and I will have to negotiate the food and I guess 'circulate' around the room with 'bits' on my plate! I will not leter anyone deter me. I will be in control of exactly what I put in my mouth, not my tummy, not friends, and not the food addict within me.

I just want to get on with losing another stone my impatience about this has become unbearable, so much so I am finding myself unbearable!

Katy, thanks again for your encouragement! It's like having a CDC personal trainer! Brilliant!

 

[Katycakes]

Hmmm, not sure about that! I am just really proud of you, knowing how much you struggled earlier in the year and yet how you were supportive to me. And I guess I was just getting a handle on the addictive eating thing then... so your words meant a lot. This is what minis is all about, helping each other... and your determination right now is helping ME. So it works both ways! Here's to another fab week!

As for the comments from people who have not seen you for a while, enjoy them... smile and keep quiet about the details and stay in control. Oh... and have FUN!

xxx

 

[Kira]

Oh! thanks for that Katy! Without minis I couldn't have found my resolve. The successes, difficulties and determination of real people on this forum has kept me going too. When I just couldnt' get back into CD earlier this year and then came back months later and saw how well you and others had done by sticking to it really gave me a wake up call. I'm still very nervous about food as I know food to me is what heroin is like to a drug addict. Perhaps a strong analogy but I cannot be trusted with food yet. Not until my rehabilitation is complete. I'll always be a recovering food addict and the moment I forget that, I know I will put the weight all back on.

Day 55 completed. Had small amount chicken for the first time from 810 plan. Dry fried it in wok and added cayenne and had with 2 tbsp of cottage cheese. (CDC said I could mix two of the proteins allowed on 810.) Found having last shake difficult as I felt full from the 810 meal! Amazing!

Day 56 hoping today will be relatively easy as will be back into the routine of work and probably very busy so it should fly by. The best kind of day when doing CD!

 

[Katycakes]

Heroin - strong analogy, but many of us would understand. And food - well, you can cut out heroin (hard but can be done) but food you need to live. I agree, I have to keep in mind the way I was (and can still be) if I want to stay slim and not fall back into abusing food.

It's funny, but we have so many mixed messages about obesity/food addiction. Progs about very fat people on TV almost like porn, very exploitative, are we meant to cringe and think 'well, at least I am not that bad?' We are told to eat healthily yet shops are filled with sugar, fat, salty, junk, processed foods, & portion sizes almost guarantee we overeat. I think binge eating/addiction is one of the last taboos.

Obesity kills... and it ruins lives, and destroys confidence. And yet people don't take food addiction seriously. I have had two friends, both female, who were alcoholics. One is mostly 'dry' and has lapses. The other, in spite of repeated hospital intervention, is dead. It scared me, woke me up to my own self-harm - the parallels were so obvious. The outcome may be different, the damage slower, but you are right - it comes from the same place. That friend went too far, went past the place where she could pull herself back. She didn't think she deserved any better, in the end. It broke so many people's hearts to see that. I didn't want my story to be the same. Still don't.

Sorry to get so heavy... bit much for a Tuesday morning, I guess. Your post just touched a nerve. Big hugs, hun.

xxx

 

[Kira]

Katy you are right heroin was strong analogy, too strong. However, I think you understood the point I was trying to make in respect of my issues with food. I completely understand why I hit a nerve in respect of your two friends. I almost feel it is shameful that I have compared my food addiciton/issues with other who have alcohol or drugs addictions yet, for me my issues with food affect my physcial and mental well being (as you will relate to and understand). There is something mental in my head that simply cannot accept I need food to live and function not to comfort me and love me, or take away my stresses. Hence it is my addiction. Definitely something to ponder over this evening and dare say it "food for thought!!" Though suspect that is the last thing we want to think before bedtime! Hope you've had a good day.

Day 56 almost complete. Went for 'run' managed to run for 2km and walked another 2km. Mind you running took me 13 mins and 36 seconds! It's a start!

 

[Kira]

Day 56 completed, though I found myself 'hungry' and thinking of food. Think TOTM is due so could explain the 'hunger'? However, I'm pleased that I stayed in control of myself and stuck to the plan. It wasn't easy but shorts moments of distraction got through the day.

Day 57 week 8 weigh in today and lost 3 pounds. Total loss 24 and a half pounds. I'm very pleased with this and hoping I may lose a couple of more pounds by the 31st Oct. I have this obsession about losing 28 pounds in total by the end of the month. I know I am being silly. I think wishing to break the 9st barrier is a mental barrier that I need to cross in order for my brain to accept I have lost weight. Brain doesn't seem to have caught up with the body's weightloss, I still have day's when I think I am as big as when I started CD back in September. Must be due TOTM as feeling kind of low. Need to make sure I stay focused.

 

[Katycakes]

Kira, if you break the 9st barrier by 31st Oct, or break it by first of second week of Nov... does it matter so much? You WILL get there. You're a strong woman, be proud of that.

xxx

 

[Kira]

Day 58 Katy you're right. I am strong, I have come this far. I think I am very near TOTM as I just feel so glum. I have to pull myself together because I know this is danger time. I did have hunger pangs or moments where I just thought about food. I have a feeling today will be the same. Have a meetings at work during the course of the day so that should keep me busy and distracted. Will try and go for run when I get in from work. Exercise seems to curb hunger but usually because I am trying to breathe!

Hoping to report back this evening feeling less glum and more cheerful.

 

[Katycakes]

Thinking of you. You are an all-out hero for being able to run on SS! Take it slowly though hun, people have said too much exercise on SS is not good as your body has so few cals anyway... but are you on 810 now anyway? Got to admire your focus. Most days I can barely drag myself out for a walk...

xxx

 

[Kira]

Day 58 - Katy I've been on 810 for a few days although I am not having the milk allowance as I take my coffee black. Will discuss with CDC on Saturday if I should have very low fat yoghurt.

Well, managed another run and did 2.27km! Took me 15 minutes this time. Slowly going to increase the distance if I can. I really didn't want to go when I got home from work but forced myself to give it a go (I was scared I couldn't do and looking for an excuse). I am so pleased I did. Now exercise is something I would love to get addicted to but there's about as much chance of that as me becoming anorexic! Which is zero!

I do have an odd pain in my stomach which I have had all day and wondering if I am constipated? Sorry TMI? I am drinking enough water. I feel much better than this morning and less glum and do think it is the run which is making me feel better.

 

[Kira]

Day 59 weighed 9.3.8 again today. Three days running I have stayed exactly the same? I am a daily weigher because it keeps me going and I usually go down each days by ounce or two but not sure why I have stayed the same.

I know I am becoming more and more impatient with the rate of loss and I know I shouldn't be. As well as starting to run and hoping to make it a regular thing I have re-joined the local gym so hoping by toning up arms and legs I'll feel better about myself.

 

[Katycakes]

Hang on in there Kira... and I know I keep saying it, but keep the exercise light, reading Laura's & Serena's diaries on maintenance (they are runners) there was lots of discussion on which plan you had to be on before you could run, otherwise body panics at sudden using up of the few cals being taken in & hangs on to them, resulting in stay-the-same weighs... maybe worth sending PM to Laura to ask? She knows a lot about this (as does KD), and Serena, but she doesn't post any more the last few months.

May be barking up wrong tree here, could be just the natural slowing of losses as you near goal. I had weeks of sts, not just days. But got there in the end!

Friday hugs...

xxx

 

[Kira]

Katy that is really helpful. Thank you. I couldn't go for a run this evening as have bad stomach pains which also hurt my lower back. Not sure if it is constiptation. I've had to take one Ducolax. Feel yeuk and have only managed to have a soup and nothing else. xx

 

[Katycakes]

Aw... hope you feel better soon hun. Try and have all your packs... then at least you'll have your minimum nutrition.

xxx

 

[Kira]

Completed day 59 but only managed to have 2 CD packs (soup and porridge) and a bit of low fat cottage cheese. Took one Ducolax.

Day 60 well Ducolax is working. Still don't feel quite right but a little better than yesterday. Glad I didn't take two! Wonder if I should move up to the next plan? Would prefer to wait under I break the 9st barrier and have less than a stone to goal but just feel so scared as the CD packs are a crutch to me. I know if I stick with them I lose weight. Food for thought - excuse the pun!

 

[Kira]

Day 60 completed! Went to Halloween party and managed to stick to CD. Had 1 bar for breakfast, and 2 slices of chicken and mixed salad with some cabbage in it. Salad was undressed and although the chicken was roast chicken I made the decision it would be ok. Drank lovley sparkling water! I am so pleased with myself for resisting al the other food on the table and chocolate cake! Made a change to plain Had porridge for dessert when I got home! Couldn't manage a third pack so didn't do a full 810 plan.

Day 61 the one Ducolax helped yesterday and feeling much better today. Going to try and go to the gym or for a run later today. Really have to incorporate exercise back into life. Despite the almost 25 lb loss I feel flabby. Of course have another stone to go but need to tone up. I just know I am going to have to force myself to get into this as I always make up excuses!

 

[Kira]

Day 62 did not go well! TOTM and I completely lost it even though I knew it was due and I thought I'd prepared myself. Have to write quickly as need to get ready for work and get kids up! I had all three CD packs and the allowed cottage cheese on 810. However, I had some peanuts and just a handful but at least three or four handfuls! WHY! I knew what I was doing but it was if I wanted to sabotage myself?! The worst thing is I felt stuffed and not good, bit like after a mega binge session with food lots of food. I felt awful!

I am not letting this spiral out of control and I am getting straight back on to CD. I have decided to SS and drop the 810 meals for a week as I need to refocus and gain control. I don't think I was mentally ready for any food at all and perhaps should have stuck to SS for longer? Anyway, can't turn the clock back and I have to deal with this and get going on SS. I am so disappointed in myself - why undo all this hard work at this point? Stupid!!

 

[Katycakes]

Be really careful Kira... SS is not allowed below a bmi of 25 as the ketosis begins to burn lean tissue and even damage organs. Worse still I think if you are still exercising. Think about it... you cannot stay on SS forever, & the challenge surely is to learn to live with food in the picture. Many of us have had this fear of letting go of SS but you have to do it, for your health's sake hun.

The steps are carefully worked out to help you step back to the real world, but yes, it is harder than the SS journey for most of us. That doesn't mean you can't do it. You CAN... look at how far you have come.

I really think you should PM KD and get some expert advice here... she will explain this better than I can, but your own CDC will also tell you that SS on bmi 25 or below is a no-no.

Forget the peanuts, focus, onwards... don't panic and run back to SS.

Big hugs Kira.

xxx