Losing it...........!

Discussion in 'CD Weight Loss Diaries' started by wrathchild, 18 January 2011 Social URL.

  1. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Okay so like all good diets mine is starting tomorrow... I am truly hopeless these days at actually sticking to a diet... in the last three years, I have successfully dieted twice.. well I say successfully, obviously I lost all of the weight I intended to lose, however I put it back on again or I wouldn't actually be needing to diet again now would I... so it was a tad unsuccessful in that respect.

    Anyway my first big diet at the end of 2006/beginning of 2007, I lost 5 stone, I was down to a size 12 (in fact one skirt was a 10 - probably mislabelled though!!) and I was totally pleased with myself, I never cheated once on the diet, I just did it... It was the Cambridge Diet Sole Source programme and I thought it was the best diet ever.. in fact if I could have never eaten another morsel of food again, I'd still be a happy skinny me.. but alas food did once again pass my lips and after about a year, I'd put most of it back on.. give it a few months more and I had put it all back on!

    So, fast forward to June 2009, where I was actually heavier than I had been the first time I started the diet in June 06, heavier by a full stone! I embarked on Cambridge SS again... and I lost about 4 stone I think it was, so I hadn't got down to my previous slinkyness but I was happy enough to start letting food slide down my throat again... so before I even reached goal I started to put some on.. and right now, I am 9lbs lighter than when I started in June 09.. so before I put that 9lbs on again and actually announce to the world that I put every last pound back on, I thought I may start to diet now! I have 5 stone to lose to be down to size 12 again, or 6 stone to lose to make it to my lightest weight for about 20 years!!!!

    I was a skinny child, I never started to put weight on at all until I discovered takeaways at about 18 .. yes until then an Indian or Chinese takeaway had never been eaten! So I blame my boyfriend at the time for introducing these evil but delicious treats to me and therefore causing my weight battle...! The rest of my adult life I have generally hovered around the size 14 mark.. until the recent years where I have jumped to a size 18 (or a size 16 when I am being awkward and refusing to buy any larger clothes - its amazing what you can do if you pull the skirt up to your ribs and leave the zip halfway undone!

    I have been attempting to start a diet now for at least 4 weeks, if I'm honest its been more like 4 months of "I'll diet tomorrow" something always tempts me away from starting.

    I have temporarily moved back into my parents house at the beginning of December due to my landlady wishing to move back into her house. Mum constantly nags me to lose weight and cooks me very healthy meals, so it has been a challenge to eat something naughty.. and I love a challenge! So instead of viewing this as an opportunity to lose weight and embark on a healthy eating plan, I have instead developed a sneaky challenge of smuggling wine or biscuits into my temporary bedroom and stuffing my face merrily - even worse, I have been going to the gym now for nearly 2 months, about 2 weeks ago I noticed it was the ideal opportunity to stuff my face!!! I shout to my mum that I am off to the gym.. and then I go to Morrisons/KFC/McDonalds* (*delete as appropriate) and eat instead!

    What is most shocking is that I pat myself on the back for successfully completing my sneaky mission instead of feeling guilty about a) lying b) eating!

    Today, was going to be day one of my FINAL EVER DIET, but I had to nip to Post Office to post some letters for work and this was too good an opportunity to miss, I rang the local cafe and ten minutes later a Sausage, Egg & Bacon sandwich was in my grubby (just a turn of speech, they were clean really) little mitts!

    So here's to day one ..... again... tomorrow
     
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  3. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    I wrote the above (or below depending on how you view it) a week ago... and the diet did start tomorrow... alas that was all it lasted and then life got in the way.. well a meal out got in the way!

    I find giving up eating like giving up smoking (well except food tastes nicer than smoking... well it does if you are a good cook, I guess if you are a bad cook it may taste pretty similar!)... you have to really really want to do it, in the past when I have been successful I have been excited about dieting.. today not so much... maybe because I haven't got back up to my highest weight ever yet.. well I did but I lost a bit... clearly my incentive kicks in when I get to my highest weight ever.. well I do like a challenge!

    My other problem is I have the opposite of anorexia.. most of the time when I look in the mirror I don't see the fat person I have become, I see the thin person inside... unless the mirror catches me unawares of course and then I can stare at myself and it takes a few seconds before I see the real (fat) me... having said that it has got beyond the point where I can leave the house and think I look good... in fact personally I prefer not to leave the house full stop (that is an exaggeration, I have a dog that requires minimum of two hours a day walking, so obviously I leave the house!)

    Anyway the last three days I have been breaking myself into CD gradually, by shakes all day and an evening meal.. well yesterday was shakes all day and lunch, typically none of the last three days found me hungry, I didn't have my first shake until early afternoon.. today of course when I have resolved to do shakes all day I woke up with a rumble in my tummy!

    So basically I have to want to be thin more than I want to enjoy nice food... and I do... as Kate Moss said "no food tastes as good as skinny feels" .... now I just have to believe it (rather than think she is clearly delusional!!!!)
     
  4. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Day 2 in my diet house.... "nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm" apparently... and today I woke up motivated and enthusiastic! So thats a first for a while... determined not to lose that feeling!

    So yesterday was okay, during the day I was hungry but in the evening thanks to being on the computer all night after walking the dog and going to the gym, I was too busy to even think about food.

    Today, now I am a new enthusiastic self, I intend it to be easier! Still wishing I could wave a magic wand and be a size 10.. or failing that afford surgery but hey, I enjoyed putting it on so now I better work and get it off!

    Yesterday I said to my mate, Mardycat that I remember how good it feels to wear my slinky black dress... getting in that dress again is my aim.. its like my pulling dress!

    Apparently there is a programme on tv tonight (I never watch trashy tv so I will be avoiding it), called My crash diet is killing me or something like that.... which was the cue for mother to start moaning about silly fad diets where you only eat the equivalent of baby food! She said that you have teeth you should use them.. well CD do of course do bars, but I don't like them, so I will continue with my baby food diet thank you very much! Can see that lots of nagging will be heading my way, so not only do I have to stay focused I have to ignore peer pressure to diet in a "normal" way, even though those diets never work these days! Too easy to just put more on your plate, much easier to just eat nothing!

    Anyway that was my rant for the day and now I guess I better do some work!
     
  5. Eclipse

    Eclipse Gold Member

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    Well done on getting back on track.

    That programme you mention could be quite good. Mike Scott who is a long-standing member of Minimins is going to be on it, he has successfully kept his weight off for a number of years. He has a website called The Diet Guy, google it if you need help and inspiration.

    Good luck honey and keep coming on here for help, support and motivation x
     
  6. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Thanks Cheryl, taking it one day at a time, after doing SS twice successfully I'm hoping the willpower is there for the 3rd and LAST time lol!
     
  7. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    So, still going strong, never bothered me yesterday which is good and so far today its going well too, had the odd craving for grub, but generally it is the need to taste something.. I mean, good old vanilla, chocolate and butterscotch shakes taste good enough, but lets face it they're not a cheese and tomato pannini now are they! That is my current craving!

    Still haven't made mind up about SS'ing to the end of my diet, at the moment I am using the shakes up that I have and seeing how I do, after doing it twice before half of the battle is having the desire to go through it all again... the first time I ever SS'd for 5 months and it was so easy, I never wanted to eat again ever, the second time it was a real struggle, never took it quite so seriously, despite having good losses to show for it... so the third time, am I taking it seriously enough????

    All I can do is focus on one day at a time, when all my spare shakes have nearly gone I will decide whether to carry on or join WW, I know after putting all the weight back on twice now I need to start having a healthy diet and attitude towards eating, and I can't help thinking that if I see SS as a punishment at the end of it I will end up "treating" myself to anything I want to eat to make up for the fact I was good for so long! That never happened too much the first time, but it did the second.

    So for now, I want to be 15st something not 16st something.... when I reach that goal, I will be able to decide what next... I do love losing it quickly.. but I don't want to ever put it back on!

    Okay that was all a bit rambly, was typing as thoughts appeared in my head, argueing with fat brian/brain!
     
  8. Emma-x

    Emma-x Full Member

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    Hey wrathchild
    you write so well i loved reading your posts lol!

    Firstly well done you to have lost the weight not once but twice and now for not giving up!!
    I think we've all been there with the lying about where we are and eating- my most shameful secret is i used to stop at bk after wi thinking that i deserved it and would get it off by next week!:eek: i used to hide in the car park to eat it!!

    Well keep at it your doing well- when do you get weighed?
     
  9. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Hi Emma

    Well I don't have an official weigh in at moment, I will be weighing myself ... probably daily knowing me.. can't help myself! Although have resisted so far! I'm using shakes up from when I tried a restart before xmas, I haven't told my CDC that I'm embarking on it again yet.. she's way too enthusiastic lol!

    I have done that sneaking food after a weigh in too, but only on they weigh in's when I've tried WW. First time I ss'd I never let a morsel pass my lips for 4 months, and then I only had my Xmas lunch and got right back on it.. second time though I was less disciplined, if I had a night out invite then I went and made peace with myself in my little head before and after it, reckoning that if it was planned it wasn't cheating... my CDC used to roll her eyes! If i do stick with SS after my shakes have gone and i sign back on with my CDC then I intend to not cheat ever, because I think its generally easier that way... of course thats easy to say when all I am actually doing is saying it! Please remind me of last sentence in a month's time lol!

    Just seen you are on CD too and seen your weight record, you're doing well, don't lose heart, xmas is silly time to try to diet, at least after Christmas everyone is doing it... even the skinny minnies normally!!! So hope you hopped back on the wagon.. coz I am now using u as inspiration to SS ;)
     
  10. Emma-x

    Emma-x Full Member

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    Noooooooooooo dont use me as inspiration im a nightmare-lol
    yes i was doing really well then xmas bit me on the backside!:(
    Im really really determined now tho so maybe i could inspire you-just maybe mind!!
    Yes i think you should go get back with your cd lady- im sure she will be proud of you for getting back on track!
    I no what you mean about first time round- i did LL first time and didnt eat a thing- i lost 3 stone then couldnt afford it anymore so regained and then some! :(

    This time im not eating- not treating!!
    So yes deffo back on the wagon!!
     
  11. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Tough Emma you are my inspiration so you'll just have to be good now ;) I like that, not eating, not treating
     
  12. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Okay so I had a little weigh in today, down 3lbs, not bad in 3 days me thinks.. I can handle a pound a day lol... shame it doesn't stay like that.. I'm hoping to be in the 15 somethings next week, then I will make mind up about whether to stay with CD or do WW.... of course by then I will be in ketosis and eager to stay on CD I think.. thats the plan anyway.

    Need to work out how to change my little ticker thingy now :)
     
  13. Emma-x

    Emma-x Full Member

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    Down 3lbs is great well done!!
    Oh how i would love to be in the 15's! lol
    Im hoping you will stay on cd i need the company ;)
     
  14. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Not fair, why do I always get hungrier about the time I should be in Ketosis!!!! Belly doing a right rumble!
     
  15. Emma-x

    Emma-x Full Member

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    Hey you, funny you should say that- im really suffering this time with a grumbling belly-its even waking me up! if im honest im not sure im drinking my 3l of water so maybe thats the reason, im making sure i do today tho see if that helps.
    so aside from the talking tummy how r u?
     
  16. sammy46

    sammy46 Member

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    Wrathchild, I have to agree with Emma, you write wonderfully and with such honesty it's fantastic, you inspire me!!! One of your comments in an earlier post has hit home with me very profoundly!! Where you said that you were finding it tougher the second time around...I am finding myself in very much the same dilemma even though i fell off the wagon on boxing day. I can't seem to stop myself! Anyway...you are living proof that it can happen and that you can do it with a sense of humour too. Makes me feel very proud!

    Look forward to reading more from you

    Sam
    xx
     
  17. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Thanks Sammy.... third time round officially lol.... but yeah it is doable I guess..... just takes so much more blooming will power than the first time.... hell to start with I thought the first time was hard.... that was a walk in the park in comparison!

    Emma, first and second time I used to drink 3-4ltr of water... this time I'm doing about 2 1/2 ltr... I really cannot handle the constant loo breaks! Hell I don't actually know why I bother getting up off the loo sometimes, since I'm right back there 5mins later... I may as well just sit there while I drink my litres and wee constantly!

    As I progress though I will probably up the intake to at least 3ltr, as my body gets used to the constant drowning, I will be able to last a bit longer without weeing! Haha on my morning dog walk, I always have my first 3/4 litre before I leave the house, so I am having to find lots of discreet bushes in the fields!!!!

    OKAY... this post has probably been way too much information for you all! Be thankful I haven't got onto anything else toilet related.. I used to be so polite before CD!!
     
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  19. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    So... its day erm 4 or 5, forgot to weigh myself this morning, but hopefully there would have been at least another pound off... even if only water!

    Still starving tonight, belly a rumbling again! But all day I never actually really thought about either the diet or the shakes, I lasted until tonight on one shake only, its only since shake number 2 that I started feeling hungry.

    Did 2 1/2 hour walk with Tia this morning and then another 1 1/2 this afternoon, must get to the gym though next week, my body is used to the long walks, it needs some kind of challenge to get my arse back to a more acceptable size!!!

    Ridiculously I am cooking a meal for my parents tomorrow night, I really miss cooking, so I bought all the stuff for 2... I will cook for them and not have any myself... and of course to make sure I didn't fail I never bought enough food for more! Mum appears to have accepted my "ridiculous" diet now and seemed quite happy that I am cooking for her and not eating any myself.... she even said "as long as you don't ruin your diet" So thats a bonus at least.. no more nagging!

    As normal I am looking forward to waking up in the morning hunger free.... amazing how u can go to bed with your stomach thinking your throat has been cut and wake up feeling not at all hungry... maybe I sleepwalk to the fridge haha!
     
  20. wrathchild

    wrathchild Member

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    Lost 3 more pounds this morning, so 6lbs in 4 days :)

    Also cooked Chinese rib eye steak for mum and dad tonight, and resisted eating it myself! Had one piece tiny piece of steak to see what it tasted like as first time I've done that recipe (t'was lovely and wanted oh so much more), but I went and got myself a chocolate tetra instead!!!!!

    Right off to watch Being Human!
     
  21. rumbly-tums

    rumbly-tums Slowly but surely x

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    Omg, wetting myself here..... You are soooo funny and observant and write everything that most of us only think!!!
    Please stay on cd so I can watch you shrink x
     
  22. Jayellekay

    Jayellekay this time - the last time

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    Hello! How are you getting on? Reading your diary....it seems we have some very similar thoughts! Very scarey!
    I have also used the gym as a cover up for fast food. Problem was, that I did it twice a weekend for over a year! (I hate myself for lying so much). Everytime I tried to stop, my OH would tell me off for not going to the gym! So he ended up forcing me to go! Shocking. Now I am on CD I've stopped going to the "gym". I've cancelled my gym membership so I can't pretend to go again.

    Good luck today. When will you run out of packs?
     
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