Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[Katycakes]

Disney, Gatehouse is fab... will you be at Mossyard? Very cool beach! Crazy & Laura, thanks!!!

OK, posting food so far before heading off to beach.

Brekky: CD choc shake
snack: slice of choc, cream & amaretto cake
lunch: veg quiche (left pastry) and salad; and carrot cake & latte

(after my earlier post, I didn't need ANY pressure to eat that carrot cake & afterwards knew I had made mistake... two cakes in one day? Not needed. And second was nowhere as good as first! The latte would have been perfect. I can see that I set myself up for that... pah.)

Anyway, good day so far, and sun shining after a rainy start... might even pack my swimmy!

xxx

 

[DisneyParis]

Katy, l haven't heard of Mossyard - l'll need to check it out. Thanks.

 

[aussieraquel]

Happy birthday katy! Seems like you have had such a lovely day so far, have a nice night! Xox.

 

[Lazyhound]

Only just catching up on your thread so belated birthday wishes to you Katy

Annie x

 

[Katycakes]

Thanks Lazy!

Well, here is summary of Sat & Sun...

Rest of sat: green salad, veg quiche (again! coincidence... meal at friends place) again left pastry
Also, drank a LOT of Baileys. Bliss.

Sunday: rye toast & marmite
wheat-free ginger cake
chips and mushy peas (left 1/3 of chips)
choc shake when home again

On Sun night scales said I had put on 5lbs. On Mon morning, back to 11st. So need to shift another 2, but still. It was a big blow out!

Had fab time, so hot on Sun almost swam in sea but chickened out, but waded out & walked along beach for hours, then sunbathed... sigh!

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Mon 15 June

Another birthday-skive day! Went up to Glasgow to meet an old friend, shopped and chatted & had a fab day. Bought undies set, retro style from M&S, 2 cardies and a vintage dress... great day!

Brekky: blueberry yog with seeds, & skinny chai latte, Starbucks Glasgow
lunch: tortilla wrap with falafel & green salad
tea: small slice quiche & lo fat coleslaw, 2 x slices wheaten bread, butter & marmite

xxx

 

[Serena A]

Hiya Katy

Belated birthday wishes - glad you've had a nice few days. I had to wipe a little drool off my keyboard when I read about the slice of choc, cream & amaretto cake

 

[Katycakes]

Aw. Hi Serena, great to have you back... that cake is to die for, seriously.

Am struggling a bit today. Last night i ate too much when I got home, this morning have been picking and there is no need for it... very perplexing, but I know being at home is my downfall... thought that posting a confession on here would bring me back into line, before picking becomes that big double-decker KD told me to watch out for.

After healthy brekky of porridge, berries & yog, I have eaten:
7 oatcakes with butter & marmite
1 CD bar

And all this after weighing in at a lb above target this morning. Well, maybe that's WHY in a funny way. I need not to panic, just to stay strong and stay with it... this is not unlike my usual 'pattern' on CD where things would slip and then an extra few days were wasted getting back on wagon. Harder somehow when there is no wagon, but then there is of course, I know what I need to do.

Not gonna panic. NOT....

xxx

 

[Serena A]

Hey Katy

I know exactly what you mean - it's horrible having that niggly feeling when you don't really know why, and I guess the picking is just a distraction isn't it that temporarily gives us something specific to focus on.

Grrrr...why can't we be one of the lucky ones who swear they've lost the taste for "bad" food (usually whilst abstaining from said food ) If only things were that easy eh.....

 

[Lazyhound]

Keep staying strong Katy as I've been following your diary and seen how well you are doing

I'm very close to maintenance now and lovely realistic threads like yours are helping me not to panic over the thought of eating real food all on my own again.

Annie x

 

[aussieraquel]

Im hearing ya katy! But this is what maintenance is all about I guess, the ups and downs included. You will be right, im sure you will be back on track in no time I have not had oat cakes maybe thats a good thing hey. Dont know what I am missing?

 

[LellyCD]

Im hearing ya katy! But this is what maintenance is all about I guess, the ups and downs included. You will be right, im sure you will be back on track in no time I have not had oat cakes maybe thats a good thing hey. Dont know what I am missing?

mmmm oatcakes ...they're so addictive !!! Umm had to finish the box off in order to not eat anymore.....not going in my trolley this week i can tell you....funny thing is I had never heard of them til i read about Katy eating them...am blaming you for that one Miss Cakes!!!

x

 

[aussieraquel]

Haha, best I not try them then.

 

[Katycakes]

Yup, oatcakes, avoid at all costs. I do not want them in house ever again!!! So small & unexciting... so eating 7 cannot be bad, right? Um....

Full confession of yesterday... it was the closest day to a binge I have had. Not in types of food selected, or even amount, as in past it would have been so much worse. But the 'need' to eat which obviously had nothing to do with need, and also a real awareness that this was an act of sabotage, of punishment, and that why would I fight it when it would be so much easier to let go and 'be happy' again.

Be happy? Er, no!!! Binge eating only ever made me sad, angry, ashamed, helpless, desperate. Happiness does not live in the kitchen cupboard. And the weirdest thing is that Sat, sun & mon were very, very happy days, spent with good friends... tues was me getting back to work (grudgingly) and suddenly it all went askew. Happiness... don't think I have ever felt happier or more confident than last few months, not for a long, long time. So... best spoil it all, right? Because I sure don't deserve to be happy.

Hmmm. Thinking it through really does help.

Have already posted yesterday's morning food choices,
(7 x oatcakes,
porridge
CD bar)
so here are rest of them, warts & all.

lunch: (attempt to pull back from brink!)
sprouts, broad beans & two quorn sausages, 1 bit pitta bread
whole small tub 0% greek yog with 1/2 banana & cinnamon
tea: (family meal) rissotto with roquefort & salad
other half of banana

Actually it doesn't look as bad as it did in my head, but the effect was the same, I ate too much, craved all day, maybe up until the yog anyway, that calmed me a bit... maybe the protein? Or maybe just so full. I really don't like eating so much, feel anxious with bread, didn't much like the rissotto... I weighed yesterday morning at 11st 1lb, think it sent me into a panic. Haven't weighed today, need to calm down and have a good day.

Plan a good day today, have started with my fave porridge & berries, then maybe later a CD shake, healthy lunch & tea with protein & veg, maybe little bit carb. CD bar in afternoon if I am craving. I am not going to say I am stepping down to 810 or 1000, just want to be more aware and get enough protein today and not feel over full. And tread carefully forwards from there.

Feels like a plan.

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Thanks Jess honey... my day is working out much better than yesterday. Feel relaxed and in control. Yesterday it was as if an alien force had me in its grip and I was so stressed out (for no good reason) and so desperate to binge... Anyway, all done now, & I guess it could have been a lot worse.

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Weds June 17th

brekky: porridge, berries, 0% greek yog
snack: CD hot choc
lunch: sprouts, broad beans, tofu, baked beans, wholemeal pitta bread
snack: CD bar
tea: asparagus, poached egg, 2 small slices sprouted wheat bread

Feel so different today, food was a pleasure again and not a torment... what a difference a day makes. Got to go out this evening so just have to avoid the biccies now...

xxx

 

[crazylilblondie]

Binge eating only ever made me sad, angry, ashamed, helpless, desperate.

Do you know what? Ive just written down this sentence. Im continuously battling with the angel and demon in my head regarding binging... so Im making a pros and cons list of binging/sticking to plan. So rather than having this fight in my head all the time I just need to look at my list and remind myself that binging will never win!!!

 

[Katycakes]

Scales back to 10st 12lb, thank you god!!!

xxx

 

[LellyCD]

Scales back to 10st 12lb, thank you god!!!

xxx

woohoo...not god though, just Katy doing her thing!
have a fab day hunny
xx

 

[Katycakes]

Thanks Lelly. BIG thanks, because your struggles with slight ups & downs & the conclusion you came to, to hang on and have faith in healthy eating, is what helped me through tuesday, my biggest wobble day so far. Temptation to jack it all in and go crazy was so, so strong... where did THAT come from? Triggered maybe by a weekend 'off' involving chips, cake, drink. That bit was planned, the struggles and battles I fought on tuesday definitely were NOT. I feel better now, but I know there is some good stuff to learn from all of this, and that I am a long way from being 'fixed' when it comes to old binge-eat patterns. It's a small victory, but a victory all the same! And your experiences helped me steer through it.

xxx