Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[KD]

Sorry Katy, wasn't on much at all yesterday, so missed your 'attack'

Scales back to 10st 12lb, thank you god!!!

xxx

[STRIKE]I'm delighted for you[/STRIKE] Actually no, I'm not. I wont tell a lie

What the scales say is relatively unimportant.

You overate. This happens. Maybe a little unbalance with the nutrients, maybe your leptin levels...maybe you just 'did' cos of the head You threw yourself against the brick wall...well, you pushed up against it, and hurt yourself a bit

You dealt with it, and now have no desire to do it today :clap: Does it really matter if you look at the wound and found it has healed well, or is it more important that you acknowledge that brush with the wall and try and find an answer for why it happened?

Not saying that you need to go into deep analysis why it happened...just that how quickly the 'wound' heals is of little importance in the grand scheme of things.

I am delighted that you aren't going down to 810 :clap: You aren't removing that wall..just in case. That would have been a step back. Instead, you've acknowledge what happened. Realised how it made you feel. Aware it could happen again and know that you are strong enough to pull back, without removing the wall completely.

That is what I'm delighted with :clap:

 

[Katycakes]

I know... sat/sun/mon were treat days, b'day celebration days, & though Sat/sun were over-eat days, mon (day in city with friend) was good... till I got home and ate bread that I didn't even want/need. Then Tues was just a battle all day long, I had to work and maybe I was rebelling at that, I was at home, so temptation there, and scales were up over 11 and that was scary. And logic seemed to vanish and all my body wanted to do was eat, to have done with it all, to let go... I was frightened at how strong that impulse was. It was a horrible day & didn't feel like I was winning at all, but when I posted it all down weds morning it didn't seem as bad as I thought. And by wednesday the self-destruct impulse had ebbed away, yesterday was such a relief, just me again, eating the way I wanted to eat. And today will be the same, it feels relaxed & OK.

Lessons?

Go easy with the treat days, I pushed it a bit - one amazing cake on Sat, brilliant. Another less amazing one later? What was the point? Baileys on Sat night, again, glad I did it. Chips on Sun... um, no, not even nice.

Be aware that sometimes making myself buckle down again to work after a break prods a bit at my inner rebel. I work very long hours and it can be pretty stressful, but that is my choice - I love what I do. I just wish it left more time for friends/family/weekend fun, sometimes.

Don't weigh yourself after off-plan weekends!

When your head tells you that binge-eating will make you happy, remember that you know better. It doesn't. It never has, & it never will. For me, binge-eating was self-harm & self-punishment, wrapped up in a mask of 'love'. Pretty messed up. NOT GOING BACK THERE.

And lastly, have faith, listen to the wisdom of Lelly, KD, Serena & co and DO NOT PANIC. Approaching double-decker buses usually travel slowly enough for you to spot them and dodge out of the way if you bother to keep a look out for them. I think. I hope!!!

Thanks KD, Lelly, Crazy, Jess... everyone.

xxx

 

[KD]

I know... sat/sun/mon were treat days, b'day celebration days,

Treat days??? What's that about then?

LOL

They are days when you eat about the same amount, but just with different foods. The 'treat' is the celebration..being with others, enjoying the atmosphere. And yeah...know it takes time to get head around that.

and scales were up over 11 and that was scary. And logic seemed to vanish and all my body wanted to do was eat, to have done with it all, to let go..

And that is what can happen if you put too much importance on what the scales say. It makes us do crazy things. Go back to strict dieting which can then put the 'healing' process back to square one, or so "sod it...might as well finish the day/week off with too much food".

Not saying that the scales are unimportant. I weigh daily. It's interesting what they say and I can learn a little extra from them. Not much though

 

[KD]

And today will be the same, it feels relaxed & OK.

And that's good. Helpful in so much that it gives you a break from the 'issues'.

Be aware that sometimes making myself buckle down again to work after a break prods a bit at my inner rebel

No breaks eh. Just a journey. Sometimes slower, sometimes faster. Think in terms of having days off and you are back in yoyo dieting mode.

Don't weigh yourself after off-plan weekends!

Why not? Don't be afraid of them either. Just like food, the scales aren't the problem, it's how you react to what the scales say. Another one to work on when you're ready

 

[Katycakes]

Be aware that sometimes making myself buckle down again to work after a break prods a bit at my inner rebel

No breaks eh. Just a journey. Sometimes slower, sometimes faster. Think in terms of having days off and you are back in yoyo dieting mode.

No, didn't mean diet-break or healthy eating break when I put this... I really did mean work. Alot of the time I work 7 days & up to 10 hour days, have a problem with switching off as I work mainly from home... and I need every hour in the day to meet the deadlines I have etc. So the inner rebel in this case was wanting more time off... more family/friend time. I think sometimes my eating was linked to resentment at having to work so hard, although it is ultimately my choice - I am self-employed and nobody MAKES me do it. Just always long for a bit more balance!

And you are right, one great lesson from this weekend... the treat was definitely in the having fun with family/friends and not in the food, though the (first) cake & the Baileys were pure bliss I admit.

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Hmmm...I don't weigh myself after I have overindulged as im scared that I might trigger a panic when I see the scale reading and go in a tailspin. I eat more sensibly for a few days after, then get on the scales knowing I have been back to normal eating and hopefully it will have all evened out again. I know what you are saying KD and it does make sense but this is my current survival tactic.
I do like your no "treating" mantra though, a good one! :read:
Katy, you are doing so well and I do think you are an inspiration. You employ good, hard logic and its working for you and everyone reading your posts. Keep it up! xx

 

[Katycakes]

Logic... me... rofl !!! Well maybe it's never too late to learn, and you guys are always a biy inspiration to me. Thanks, Sleepy.

xxx

 

[miss jelly tot]

Katy I love reading your diary and myself have learnt so many lessons from you. Your doing great! x [FONT=&quot][/FONT] [FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Katycakes]

Trip, SOOOO glad to see you at goal! Big hugs honey I knew you'd do it!!! Come & hang out on maintenance threads? Please?

Thurs 18 June

Brekky: porridge, berries, 0% greek yog
snack: cheese scone & butter (it was a nice cheese scone) and latte
late lunch: sprouts, broad beans, 2 x quorn sausages, small wholemeal pitta
snack: 2 small slices sprouted wheat bread, 1/4 banana, peanut butter
tea: 1/2 quorn cottage pie, broccolli; 1 slice sprouted wheat bread & peanut butter.
snack: CD hot choc

Not bad... feel OK, relaxed, enjoying choices.

xxx

 

[aussieraquel]

Hey katy, I have trouble with only a small treat thing. I find once I treat, like wed night for example, leads me to crave carbs like I did yesterday, then I spend afternoon having a small binge session . I today feel even worse than yesterday. Now I know today I need to get through it 100 percent otherwise it will lead to a constant binge for a few days unless I can stop now. I read that you had trouble with picking and binging im past. How did you get through it?

 

[Katycakes]

Hi Raquel,

Hope your day has been a good one... no picking! I don't know the answer to staving off a binge really - Tuesday took me by surprise. I agree that a 'treat' food can start off a carb craving and that can spiral... need to be careful about that. But then again I want to challenge that, I am going to eat 'treat' foods, I don't want millions of things to be off limits. I want to eat things I love, and that will include cake for me.

Interesting that it would always have included choc too, in past, but I am not so bothered any more. Part of that is fear as choc was my binge food of choice, but to be honest it doesn't feel like fear any more, more that I just don't want it. Like I don't want shop bought cakes or biscuits, or processed sweet stuff, or not-very-nice chips or pizza or dodgy cheese scones (but nice ones are good!). My tastes have just changed.

A box of chocs was delivered today, Hotel Chocolat... the most gorgeous choc. It was a late b'day pressie from someone who didn't know I might not want choc anymore! I do not want to open it or eat it, it's like it has no power over me any more. (Might be a different story if it was open but hey!) OH & son will probably get to eat it after I head off on another work trip next friday.

Hmmm. Definitely rambling now! Sorry. Hope you are OK and having a good food day... I do know that the scary days and the falls are lessons, it's just that I seem to be a slow learner! But not giving up is the biggest lesson of all... and hey, we are still here.

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Fri June 19th

A good day... feel relaxed and happy with choices.

Brekky: porridge, berries, 0% greek yog
snack: 3 small bits sprouted wheat bread with peanut butter
lunch: small bit quiche, coleslaw
snack: CD bar
tea: field mushroom, asparagus, broad beans, 2 quorn sausages, multigrain roll

Fancy a CD hot choc but not sure where I am on cals... I am rubbish at adding it up. See how I feel later. Gonna curl up & watch a DVD with kids.

xxx

 

[aussieraquel]

Hey katy thanks. I am going to see my cd this morning and have decided to suggest stepping up my plan and maintaining where I am. I am finding the pressure I am putting on myself to get to goal too much, causing me to binge and get in down moods when I should cd feeling great from how far I have come. Glad to see you have such a good attitude to food now, esp. Choc, thats my treat food.

 

[Katycakes]

Raquel, I think maintaining is definitely what you should be about... at BMI 21 you have done SO well and pushing beyond that might just be too hard - for now at least. I would like to get 1/2 stone lower, to provide a safety net, but I am not thinking about that yet... staying here for a while is the plan, until I feel more settled. At BMI 21 you must look AMAZING hon so be happy, enjoy... and focus on getting more relaxed around food. Have a fab Saturday.

xxx

 

[KD]

No, didn't mean diet-break or healthy eating break when I put this... I really did mean work.

Hiya Katy. Had to pop in on your diary.

I did read this at the time and thought "D'oh silly me ) Just had to rush off to work, and have hardly had the chance to get back on here.

Anyway. Very glad to hear it :clap:

 

[Laura Croft]

Just saying hello and great work honey. It's hard work isn't it. It's not rocket science i.e. just don't pick up but it seems so insurmountable sometimes. I'm glad you've had a few better days.

Alas the hard work will pay off - it's worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

 

[Katycakes]

Laura glad to see you! I know, it's not easy... but we can do it!!!

Sat June 20th

Good day.

Brekky: porridge, berries, 0% greek yog, cinnamon
lunch: lapsang tea & slice of the best choc/cream cake in known universe (by way of a test to see what might happen afterwards)
tea: 2 quorn sausages each in a multigrain roll with butter & chillii sauce.
snack: CD hot choc

Today veg & salad has been absent, but will make up for that tomorrow I promise. Haven't felt hungry, have eaten just what I fancied & feel happy no binges triggered... when your eye is on the ball a cake is fine. Lesson: keep eye on the ball!

xxx

 

[Laura Croft]

Thanks Katy. If you have any spare eyes, I could do with some xx

 

[Serena A]

Well done Katy, I hope today is ok for you xx

 

[aussieraquel]

Hey katy, so happy the cake did not trigger a binge. Well done