Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!
- Thread starter Katycakes
- Start date
Jessica Rabbit72
Gold Member
Looks like me and you are having parallel lives at the moment Katy - you up in bonnie scotland and me down in sunny wales!!!!!!!!
I wish I had the right things to say and have some divine inspiration for you like you always have for me but unfortunately Im suffering just like you so Im hoping that that may make things a little easier.
I think alot of us are struggling at the moment for one reason or another (all valid) and I dont know why. It seems we were all fired up and raring to go at the beginning and mid way through, but we have all lost our way - I think its the near goal chatterbox having a go and winning with all of us.
We need to all give it a kick and boot it out of our heads and I know it is easier said than done.
I was talking to Julie last night and we were talking about how the hour by hour thread really kept us going onthe other forum and I dont know whether it would work on here or not?
I know sunshine started one a good few weeks ago but it didnt take off dont know why - may have been that we were all struggling and didnt want to post as I know we are all guilty of not posting when things arent going well.
But now the forum has changed slightly to incorporate the steps rather than being a goal/maintenance one it may work?
What do you think?
Sending you big hugs and positive vibes to stay on track
xxx
Laura Croft
Happily maintaining
*Now* I get what daily threads are 
I really had no idea.
I really had no idea.
sleepybird
wants a pony
Im so rocky too...have slowly been slipping on the water side but sat glugging as I type (great being a woman and being able to multi task!).
What is it in the air at the minute? I almost wish i could SS+ again for a while just to retake control but I know thats not the answer....not eating crap is the answer. Sigh. Hourly thread sounds good and would pop in whenever I could. Big up to the struggling masssive xx
What is it in the air at the minute? I almost wish i could SS+ again for a while just to retake control but I know thats not the answer....not eating crap is the answer. Sigh. Hourly thread sounds good and would pop in whenever I could. Big up to the struggling masssive xx
Hiya Katy. Sorry, don't get to read many diaries these days, but caught this bit.
It seems to me that you are trying to defeat one battle, but in the wrong war so to speak.
Look at it this way
CD to lose the weight. Get to a place where you are happy enough with your body.
Maintenance to sort out food issues.
Of course, you can use CD to sort out your weight by strictly cutting back and using the packs. You can then rejoice that you've kept your weight stable enough. But it doesn't sort the food issues, so absolutely no point in wondering why they are still there.
So, if you are looking to lose more weight, then fine, use the packs, but remember that the food issues will probably need sorting after that.
If, on the other hand, you are trying to sort the food issues, then you need to take a whole different approach.
Maintenance (after CD..not talking about the steps here), is to do with working on having 'normal' days. Not even 100% strict cut back days, which can exasperate the problem with bingeing.
It's not so weight related, so cutting right back harshly isn't a goal to be aimed for. That's weight related and has little to do with getting control of the food demons.
So you could look at it this way
Normal eating day :clap:
Overeating day
Normal eating day :clap:
Crash dieting day
Do you see? If you are trying to cut right back to rein things in, then you are having another abnormal eating day.
So, the point is, what are you trying to achieve? More weight loss or a good relationship with food? As I said earlier, two different battles and you can't be upset about not winning one war if you are fighting the other.
:hug99:
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Thanks KD.
Just to be awkward, I want both - to lose another 7lbs, chipping my goal down by half a stone, and also to sort the eating problems. The eating problems are obviously the most important, BUT I cannot stand to let the weight go on again, hence the cut-back days.
When I first hit goal in May I was OK for maybe 2 months... had a few overeat days, but they were not binge days. And mostly my days were normal eating days, used CD products only occasionally if I wanted a choc hit or a hot choc. And weight stayed stable and I felt calm and happy.
Then... don't even know what happened, all I can say is that the bus you warned might hit me sneaked up and knocked me off my feet, maybe 6 weeks ago... and I haven't felt safe or confident since. I have a mixture of those days you describe - normal, overeat and undereat. For instance, was away doing research in somerset, OH was with me, so in part it felt like a holiday. I ate cream teas and pub meals and drank a couple of glasses of Baileys, but it all felt very 'normal' and was tempered with plenty of walking. I gave away to OH bits of my dinners that I didn't like or want, stopped eating when I was full and enjoyed those cream scones SO much. Then home yesterday, and normal if indulgent eating slid into binge in minutes. Packet of cakes in cupboard, bar of choc, oatcakes & peanut butter, toast & jam. THAT was a binge day, but I can see I made it happen, wanted it, did it to myself. I just don't know why.
So today have had porridge (non CD) and fruit & yog, and then planning salad & choc shake and a 1000 plan tea. Not starving myself, but trying to stay on 1000. I want to shift that 7lbs, but I am not even sure why anymore. I am so confused, and can't work out how I can shift from happy, normal eating to self-destruct so quickly. I am sorry to be so needy and hate myself for it, but feel very lost... any insight? Or am I still missing the point? I kind of know I am but not sure what to do. Help!
xxx
Just to be awkward, I want both - to lose another 7lbs, chipping my goal down by half a stone, and also to sort the eating problems. The eating problems are obviously the most important, BUT I cannot stand to let the weight go on again, hence the cut-back days.
When I first hit goal in May I was OK for maybe 2 months... had a few overeat days, but they were not binge days. And mostly my days were normal eating days, used CD products only occasionally if I wanted a choc hit or a hot choc. And weight stayed stable and I felt calm and happy.
Then... don't even know what happened, all I can say is that the bus you warned might hit me sneaked up and knocked me off my feet, maybe 6 weeks ago... and I haven't felt safe or confident since. I have a mixture of those days you describe - normal, overeat and undereat. For instance, was away doing research in somerset, OH was with me, so in part it felt like a holiday. I ate cream teas and pub meals and drank a couple of glasses of Baileys, but it all felt very 'normal' and was tempered with plenty of walking. I gave away to OH bits of my dinners that I didn't like or want, stopped eating when I was full and enjoyed those cream scones SO much. Then home yesterday, and normal if indulgent eating slid into binge in minutes. Packet of cakes in cupboard, bar of choc, oatcakes & peanut butter, toast & jam. THAT was a binge day, but I can see I made it happen, wanted it, did it to myself. I just don't know why.
So today have had porridge (non CD) and fruit & yog, and then planning salad & choc shake and a 1000 plan tea. Not starving myself, but trying to stay on 1000. I want to shift that 7lbs, but I am not even sure why anymore. I am so confused, and can't work out how I can shift from happy, normal eating to self-destruct so quickly. I am sorry to be so needy and hate myself for it, but feel very lost... any insight? Or am I still missing the point? I kind of know I am but not sure what to do. Help!
xxx
miss jelly tot
CWP Consultant
Katy your not alone by any means, this is just how I am at the mo. I relate completely
I think either you get it or you don't and at the minute, I just don't. Maybe I am on my own with this? I'm sure a light bulb moment will happen but when, I'm not sure. :sigh:
Your diary is fantastic and reading it keeps alot of people motivated. We will get there but the light bulb moment may take others (including me) longer to switch on.
That bus paid me a visit and ran me over too. (Think it also backed up just to make sure it got me good.)
I think alot of us do this. KD you are so right in what you say but it's putting it into practice. We know what we need to do but how do we tell our heads
I think either you get it or you don't and at the minute, I just don't. Maybe I am on my own with this? I'm sure a light bulb moment will happen but when, I'm not sure. :sigh:I agree we wont give up Katie, thats why even if we do put on weight, we come back, we own up, pick ourselves up and start to sort it out before it sprials out of control and we end up right back at the beginning.
Your diary is fantastic and reading it keeps alot of people motivated.
We will get there but the light bulb moment may take others (including me) longer to switch on.Problem No. 1
Absolutely. I can understand that. I'd be devastated if my weight went back on. I know that eating 'normally' wont put the weight back on. I know that the occasional binge wont put the weight back on (though too many will!). I know that crashing dieting (at this stage anyway) will probably make me put the weight back on long term. So, you can see why I've chosen not to crash diet. Sorts a problem over the course of the week. Doesn't hold much hope for the many years to come though. That's my personal experience anyway.
Problem no. 2. Not feeling confident. Not trusting yourself. Letting irrational fears dictate your eating habits.
Interesting that this happened as soon as you got home. That makes me think that this binge is an habitual ritual associated with your kitchen
Problem no. 3, which is closely related to another problem later on in the message.
As far as your body is concerned, it would probably consider that to be a very low. 'We'll make her binge in a couple of days' amount .
Massive problem no. 4 closely related to No. 3
I'm not surprised.
If you don't have a clear picture for why you want to lose that 7lbs, then it's going to be tough and very confusing for you.
We don't do anything unless we have a reason to do it and a reason that benefits us.
If someone believes (however unconscious or irrational) that bingeing benefits them in some way, then they will binge. If they believe that losing weight will benefit them, they will diet. If they flit from one to the other because they aren't sure what they want, then you get binge/starve.
You're coming on a support forum because you feel you need support! Gosh! That's dreadful. Thrash yourself 40 times with the nearest whip. Say a million Hail Mary's before breakfast
Okay, so first, what do you want and why do you want it. Take the 7lbs weight loss. Why is this important to you? I'm not saying that it should or shouldn't be. But you do need to know why you want it.
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Oh KD. Thanks for having the patience.
The 7lbs... I suppose in my head I dreamed of being 10st 7lbs, it was my image of what slim would be like. It seemed very distant & unattainable, so I set my goal at 11st & hoped that when I got there I would be able to re-set & get to the ultimate goal. In fact it took a bit longer than I hoped to get to 11 & then I had to step up faster than planned as was working abroad. I seemed to maintain easily though at that point, so opted to stay there and stay steady for a while and then planned to get to 10 7 at end of summer.
In the end I re-set the goal a bit sooner than I planned as I began to struggle with maintaining. (Bells chiming here with your leeway thread... I can see the timing of the choice was not ideal.)
So. I do want to be 10st 7 because I always planned to be there. I would be a little bit slimmer, and BMI would be lower-middle of healthy range. I do want to get there... and hate giving up on that plan as it feels like defeat. But giving myself a new goal while fighting the binge impulse seems very hard...
this binge is an habitual ritual
Yes it is, definitely. Not 'associated with my kitchen' especially, but with the safety zone of my house, & the freedom of being left alone to 'work'. But it has become a ritual. When I was working away, hung on to off-plan eating a few days longer on my return. When on holiday, same. When at festival, same. When friends visited, same. Any excuse... same.
Which leads me to believe I haven't got the hang of the 'normal' eating yet? If 'normal' but 'indulgent' eating makes me think I have to cut back & that triggers a binge? Head is fuddled.
Also, you say that binge days won't put the weight on... but they do! Not one binge day, of course, but mine are never one-offs any more, I am so afraid of heading back towards the binge lifestyle that made me fat to start with. It consumed me. I can't let that happen again.
Too scared to be able to see what I am doing... and I know there must be a huge element of self destruct in what I am doing as I am willfully choosing to do it. (Bangs head against keyboard).
xxx
The 7lbs... I suppose in my head I dreamed of being 10st 7lbs, it was my image of what slim would be like. It seemed very distant & unattainable, so I set my goal at 11st & hoped that when I got there I would be able to re-set & get to the ultimate goal. In fact it took a bit longer than I hoped to get to 11 & then I had to step up faster than planned as was working abroad. I seemed to maintain easily though at that point, so opted to stay there and stay steady for a while and then planned to get to 10 7 at end of summer.
In the end I re-set the goal a bit sooner than I planned as I began to struggle with maintaining. (Bells chiming here with your leeway thread... I can see the timing of the choice was not ideal.)
So. I do want to be 10st 7 because I always planned to be there. I would be a little bit slimmer, and BMI would be lower-middle of healthy range. I do want to get there... and hate giving up on that plan as it feels like defeat. But giving myself a new goal while fighting the binge impulse seems very hard...
this binge is an habitual ritual
Yes it is, definitely. Not 'associated with my kitchen' especially, but with the safety zone of my house, & the freedom of being left alone to 'work'. But it has become a ritual. When I was working away, hung on to off-plan eating a few days longer on my return. When on holiday, same. When at festival, same. When friends visited, same. Any excuse... same.
Which leads me to believe I haven't got the hang of the 'normal' eating yet? If 'normal' but 'indulgent' eating makes me think I have to cut back & that triggers a binge? Head is fuddled.
Also, you say that binge days won't put the weight on... but they do! Not one binge day, of course, but mine are never one-offs any more, I am so afraid of heading back towards the binge lifestyle that made me fat to start with. It consumed me. I can't let that happen again.
Too scared to be able to see what I am doing... and I know there must be a huge element of self destruct in what I am doing as I am willfully choosing to do it. (Bangs head against keyboard).
xxx
Lots of things I can analyse there , but I'll start with this
But you haven't said 'why'. You've said you want to be slimmer than you are now. But why? What does that mean to you? How different will you feel at that weight compared to now?
Saying "I want to be", isn't enough. You need to know why. It sounds to me like you have a magic number in your head. The one that will make everything 'right'.
Okay, so if that's the case, in what way will it make it right?
, but I'll start with this
But you haven't said 'why'. You've said you want to be slimmer than you are now. But why? What does that mean to you? How different will you feel at that weight compared to now?
Saying "I want to be", isn't enough. You need to know why. It sounds to me like you have a magic number in your head. The one that will make everything 'right'.
Okay, so if that's the case, in what way will it make it right?
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
You're right. I DON'T know. I look and feel good at 11, keep being amazed at pics of me... things like having slim hands and wrists? Legs that look slim? Etc. So... not sure why I think half a stone less would be better. Except that I planned it originally and I am stubborn.
It's not a reason... I am not sure I have a reason.
OK. Here is an (edited) big admission. I think is for... LEEWAY. (Runs for hills, ashamed.)
Arghhh.
xxx
It's not a reason... I am not sure I have a reason.
OK. Here is an (edited) big admission. I think is for... LEEWAY. (Runs for hills, ashamed.)
Arghhh.
xxx
Laura Croft
Happily maintaining
Good work there Katy x
Can I butt in? I just noticed your BMI. I'm not surprised you are struggling on 1000/ 1200. Do you think you just need more food? If so, then maybe try 1500. I'm sure it's still below your BMR so you'd still lose weight, albeit more slowly. Of course I also understand wanting to get the food under control. That's a whole different kettle of fish and where I fell on my arse before.
x Can I butt in? I just noticed your BMI. I'm not surprised you are struggling on 1000/ 1200. Do you think you just need more food? If so, then maybe try 1500. I'm sure it's still below your BMR so you'd still lose weight, albeit more slowly. Of course I also understand wanting to get the food under control. That's a whole different kettle of fish and where I fell on my arse before.
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Don't know Laura... don't know anything really, today! All I do know is that what I have been doing has not been working, and being asked some difficult questions (but in a nice way) has made me face some truths. I am wondering if I should go back to around 1500 and aim to maintain at 11, and settle again, and find that safe/secure place I had before? Then make a decision about the 'last' half stone. I cannot go on like this, and to be honest I am so tired of following plans and seesawing from one thing to another. Wish I could think straight.
xxx
xxx
Laura Croft
Happily maintaining
Trying to get the food under control and lose weight are two very difficult things to do at once. Going onto 1500 may help to give you that bit of clarity and peace of mind. Greeneyes was happy when she made that decision, and I think Raquel too from memory.
BMI is not the be all and end all of measurements and I think a lot of people have adjusted theirs. BMI doesn't take into account fat % and as much as it's nice to see that number lower for whatever reason, it doesn't mean it's right for you.
Must go see some customers now
xx
BMI is not the be all and end all of measurements and I think a lot of people have adjusted theirs. BMI doesn't take into account fat % and as much as it's nice to see that number lower for whatever reason, it doesn't mean it's right for you.
Must go see some customers now
xx
sleepybird
wants a pony
Katy, why not give 1500 a go for a week, maybe two and see how you get on? You might surprise yourself. If you're anything like me, the very fact you are trying to restrict calories slightly because you aren't where you want to be weighwise, makes you want to rebel slightly and then Binge. Then, oh my god, i have Binged again..and again..and again.
Take off the pressure of having 1000 cal intake and I would hope that it slightly takes off the pressure that triggers you to Binge.
You are quite active anyway and will not put weight on with 1500.
Do you ever have the thought "Im not meant to be slim, I'm designed to be fat...might as well just give up"
I do.....regularly.
Thing is, I am not happy when im overweight, It makes me feel sad and hate myself but I love eating rubbish to excess. The internal argument I have to have with myself DAILY is that is it worth not enjoying Binging (and yes, at the time i DO enjoy Binging...its afterwards I feel so bad) and remaining trim. Well, trim ish!
Don't give up hon, I so know how you are feeling xxx
Take off the pressure of having 1000 cal intake and I would hope that it slightly takes off the pressure that triggers you to Binge.
You are quite active anyway and will not put weight on with 1500.
Do you ever have the thought "Im not meant to be slim, I'm designed to be fat...might as well just give up"
I do.....regularly.
Thing is, I am not happy when im overweight, It makes me feel sad and hate myself but I love eating rubbish to excess. The internal argument I have to have with myself DAILY is that is it worth not enjoying Binging (and yes, at the time i DO enjoy Binging...its afterwards I feel so bad) and remaining trim. Well, trim ish!
Don't give up hon, I so know how you are feeling xxx
Porgeous
Chilling
Hey hun
I am certainly not able to advise as well as KD but I do think you are fighting a losing battle on this one because deep down you can perceive no benefit in losing that extra half stone and without that there is no movtivation.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a leeway. I think it is something that we are all guilty of thinking when we move towards maintenance. The lightbulb moment comes when you realise that if you are eating "normally" a leeway is no longer necessary. Leeways only serve to accommodate the binge/starve cycle.
Hugs
xx
Julie Williams
Silver Member
Big (((((((((hugs))))))))))) Katie, i sure nearly everybody on this site can see exactly where your coming from we have all felt like this from time to time. I think you should maybe try 1500 and if you feel full you will be less likely to binge. Good luck with whatever you choose to do my dear and keep posting xxxx
Watergirl
Rock Solid
<<hugs>> Katy. Just moved over to maintenance and am reading through all the diaries and have just read yours.
You've done so well and I am sure that you look stunning at 11 stone. I know what you mean about setting a goal. I have set myself the goal of 10 stone (that's what I wanted to hit before holiday). I won't get there. I have accepted that and since doing so I feel a lot better.
Well I will get there, but it might take me a lot longer of eating normally.
Could you perhaps shift your focus? That is what has helped me. Instead of focusing on losing weight I've been focusing on getting fit on 1200 and the weight has to come off. Sounds like you are quite active, so as others have said if you move up a plan you won't put on weight.
Maybe just making a decision will make you feel better as it seems to me like you have so much swimming around your head at the moment, it's enough to make anyone go crazy. Imagine how happy you'll feel if you decide 11 stone is good and then you can just focus on getting to the normal eating. Once that's mastered I'm sure you will have no problems with losing another 7lb if that's what you want, but perhaps you won't want it then!
I know that poem - it's one of my favourites. For those that don't:
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
by Stevie Smith
You've done so well and I am sure that you look stunning at 11 stone. I know what you mean about setting a goal. I have set myself the goal of 10 stone (that's what I wanted to hit before holiday). I won't get there. I have accepted that and since doing so I feel a lot better.
Well I will get there, but it might take me a lot longer of eating normally.
Could you perhaps shift your focus? That is what has helped me. Instead of focusing on losing weight I've been focusing on getting fit on 1200 and the weight has to come off. Sounds like you are quite active, so as others have said if you move up a plan you won't put on weight.
Maybe just making a decision will make you feel better as it seems to me like you have so much swimming around your head at the moment, it's enough to make anyone go crazy. Imagine how happy you'll feel if you decide 11 stone is good and then you can just focus on getting to the normal eating. Once that's mastered I'm sure you will have no problems with losing another 7lb if that's what you want, but perhaps you won't want it then!
I know that poem - it's one of my favourites. For those that don't:
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
by Stevie Smith
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Thanks for listening... still feeling very lost and muddled. Read the poem... it sounds pretty grim, just the last bit that has always chimed with me:
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
Anyway... struggling on. Again, did fine today until an hour ago. Had porridge brekky, soup & bread out in town, but then home and 2 more bits bread with cheese, then a lo-fat yog. And the 'need' to keep eating has me in its grip, which is bad news. I don't get it... just do NOT understand.
Re: 1000 - it's what I keep aiming for, but am so far from it that it cannot be the reason I am wobbling, surely. And when I do get into the zone of healthy eating, it makes me happy, and calm, so why am I running so fast in the other direction, the one that makes me scared and sad? I have not got a clue. Keep thinking I am missing something.
Even if I take the wanting to lose another 7lbs out of equation, I am still in a mess. Zooming between 11 & 11 3 or 4 the whole time this last few weeks, getting nowhere.
Watergirl, like the idea of shifting focus. I am actually NOT very active... have a sedentary job & spend all day sat on my bum except when I am working away. So a regular exercise slot is needed. When I do something, like recently in Somerset, I like it... but hate gym & am not sporty. Dog walks and stuff are really going to be my choice as live so rural it is hard to get to a swimming pool for example. But I will give your suggestion a darn good try. I know I need to, and it would help, and maybe help clear my mind too, and dog would thank me obviously for the extra walks!
I just need to stop this binge impulse from wrecking my head (and my body) completely.
Sorry for gloomy post.
xxx
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
Anyway... struggling on. Again, did fine today until an hour ago. Had porridge brekky, soup & bread out in town, but then home and 2 more bits bread with cheese, then a lo-fat yog. And the 'need' to keep eating has me in its grip, which is bad news. I don't get it... just do NOT understand.
Re: 1000 - it's what I keep aiming for, but am so far from it that it cannot be the reason I am wobbling, surely. And when I do get into the zone of healthy eating, it makes me happy, and calm, so why am I running so fast in the other direction, the one that makes me scared and sad? I have not got a clue. Keep thinking I am missing something.
Even if I take the wanting to lose another 7lbs out of equation, I am still in a mess. Zooming between 11 & 11 3 or 4 the whole time this last few weeks, getting nowhere.
Watergirl, like the idea of shifting focus. I am actually NOT very active... have a sedentary job & spend all day sat on my bum except when I am working away. So a regular exercise slot is needed. When I do something, like recently in Somerset, I like it... but hate gym & am not sporty. Dog walks and stuff are really going to be my choice as live so rural it is hard to get to a swimming pool for example. But I will give your suggestion a darn good try. I know I need to, and it would help, and maybe help clear my mind too, and dog would thank me obviously for the extra walks!
I just need to stop this binge impulse from wrecking my head (and my body) completely.
Sorry for gloomy post.
xxx
