My Mum- I need your help, guys

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by cocktailprincess, 20 March 2009 Social URL.

  1. cocktailprincess

    cocktailprincess Still rockin' it

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    Hi all
    You may have read my post about my mad SW conversation with my Mum who is starting the plan- here is the update so far..........and I feel really upset about it!

    Basically my Mum is dangerously overweight, and despite only being 60 has to walk with a zimmer frame and has trouble standing for short periods. This is all to do with her size. She has been offered treatment for her knees which are crumbling under the strain, but they will only perform an operation if she loses weight.
    She has put on a lot of extra weight over the past year, and pretended at one point to go to WW, and kept the pretence up for weeks, but we then found out she wasn't. Her Dr has also tried several plans with her, but Mum always seems to have a reason why it doesn't work for her.

    I have lots of scary images of my Mum being in a wheelchair soon, having to go into care, or even worse dying and having to be winched out of her flat by the fire brigade (I know this is really horrible, but it is a realistic prospect)
    I know you cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves, but rather than sit on the sidelines I decided to try and teach her SW again as I though she might like EE
    I have told her that I will take her to class evey week (a 40 mile round trip for me) , pay for her, and take a bag of 'free foods' for her every week. I did this on monday and paid for 6 weeks in advance. I promise I have done all this out of love and with respect for her feelings, and told her I will only offer her support and encouragement.
    I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and I can tell she is lying about what she is eating. I know she is not following the plan. I didn't let on, and just offered her more encouragement.

    I feel so desperately unhappy. Everyone tells me I can't make someone do what they don't want to but the alternative is watching my Mum die and I don't see how I can just sit back and watch that happen without trying everything to stop it

    I am really opening my heart to you all, crying my eyes out as I type. I feel really desperate, alone and powerless

    If anyone can offer any guidance at all on this, I would be really grateful
    x
     
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  3. agent44

    agent44 Full Member

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    I'm not surprised you feel upset, how awful! I guess it's true at the end of the day you can't make her do something she doesn't want to do, but have tried telling her what you have just written there? Does she realise how much she is hurting you as well as herself. Does she realise just how much you put yourself out for her? It sounds as if she needs a big shock to make her realise, sounds from what you have said as if she is in a bit of denail. I do hope you manage to get through to her though x
     
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  4. Madferret

    Madferret Mad as a Hatter

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    Oh mate - I really feel for you.
    I think that you will just have to be honest with her and tell her how much her actions, and lies, are hurting you.
    Some people really are in denial and it takes loved ones to be brutally honest with them to make them see sense.
    Wish I could help more...
    Tracy
     
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  5. susan70

    susan70 Gold Member

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    Im so sorry I have no advice to offer at all hun, as you said you have done all this for her really the rest she has to do herself, I hope she sees the light and helps herself before it is to late.

    It must be awful for you, have you told your mum how you are feeling and what you think will happen if she dosnt help herself??

    Hugs to you hun.xx and good luck.xxx
     
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  6. princessria

    princessria is a pirate arrrgggghhhh

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    I think honey you need to tell your mum exactly how you feel it's not nice watching someone get further and further away from your help but there must be a reason she isn helping herself, you can't keep making yourself feel guilty and worrying and you need to explain this to her, it might be a short sharp shock that sets her off in the right direction you have all my sympathy and it's worse when it's your parent because you feel like it's a big role reversal. i do think that it needs to be her making the decisaion though or she is going to keep fibbing to you. i hope things work themselves out for you and don't give up XXXX
     
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  7. princessria

    princessria is a pirate arrrgggghhhh

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    sending ya a big hug (((((((())))))))))
     
  8. Melsy

    Melsy Full Member

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    I agree with the advice given, tell her how you feel, she probably doesn't realise. You will feel better when you do. It is the hardest job in the world trying to support somebody. Well done xxx
     
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  9. RM07

    RM07 Silver Member

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    What an awful situation for you both to be in.

    I have to agree with pp that maybe telling your mum quite honestly how this is affecting you might make her realise how much she is hurting those around her. Sometimes it is so hard to make people see that the things we do are only because we care so much about them and we can't bare to see them in pain.

    Is there any underlying issues that your mum might be battling? Is she worried about the surgery? Is the amount of weight she has to lose too much for her to think achievable? There is no way I would be sticking to the plan if I kept thinking 'I have to lose 5st' it's the 'impossible task'!
     
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  10. eye6769

    eye6769 Vegetarian who lives2eat

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    well done you, I applaud you for trying. your Mum would do the same for you if the tables were turned. How does she stand long enough to prepare and cook food,maybe some of the problem is that she cant be bothered to make a good meal for herself, we have all been there.what about making her food packs for the day,left sealed in the fridge,ready to pop into microwave or eat packs of raw fruit. one bag/box for everyday.remove all the other 'bad' food .I have tried this for myself and it does work.bit extreme I know as well as the time it will take you to prepare,but well worth the effort.take the others advice,explain your fears to your Mum and what it would mean to you for her not to be with you anymore.bless you for the love that you are showing for your Mum and keep in touch with us all. x
     
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  11. Rachella

    Rachella Silver Member

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    Maybe writing a letter to her will help? She will have the words in front of her and they may make a big impact. A letter can be very powerful.

    Does she have other emotional issues which are causing her to over-eat? Maybe she needs some help with some psychological issues she has with food first.
     
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  12. Tracie Green

    Tracie Green Silver Member

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    Hiya babe, you must feel desperately helpless right now, my love you are absolutley going out of your way to help her!! what a kind daughter you are indeed!! thing only thin i can suggest that perhaps you havent done yet, im not sure? but why not try some shock tactics?? maybe sit her down and tell her how all this is making you feel, and the worry she is putting YOU through?? she may not have thought in that kind of perspective before??? maybe that will get her brain ticking into doing it for not just herself but for you aswell?? keep us posted hunnyx x x x
     
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  13. eternity

    eternity Gold Member

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    I understand what people are saying, and maybe they are right but I think if you heap guilt about your feeling on top of her it might be too much for her to cope with.
    She knows that you want her to lose weight because you took her to class, paid and phone her to check if she's getting the gist. aybe that's all you can do.
    See how her WI goes next week, check if you can help diet-wise, maybe with a weeks diet plan of her favourite foods.
    I feel sorry for you because you are desperate to help but it might backfire if you're too forceful especially as you suspect that she's fibbing about what she's eaten.
     
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  14. DearFatty

    DearFatty Silver Member

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    Can you help by controlling what she has access to food wise at home? or does your mum go shopping alone ? If you just left her with lovely syn free foods indoors and even made up meals etc in the freezer maybe then she would get into the swing of her new way of life and start to enjoy it.
    I hope you get her to see how much you are doing this out of love x
     
  15. Princess Sausage

    Princess Sausage Silver Member

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    As harsh as it may seem, I think you should print off this thread and show her. I am 22 stone and I am slimming so I can be sure to be alive to watch my 6 year old daughter grow up, my doctor told me it was a real prospect that I would die before then and this has shocked me into doing somthing, I have heaps of wieight to lose but just take it one meal at a time.

    With best wishes
     
  16. HollyM

    HollyM Full Member

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    Sending you best wishes - I do understand as I have had the same issue with my MIL - she is as wide as she is tall and can barely walk. I too pick her up for class (although its not so far) and take her shopping. After years of ups and downs she seems to be really doing it this time and I am sooo glad to see it. Unfortunately I feel you are doing all you can and fear that pushing too much might backfire. I know that myself as soon as someone confronts me about my weight I just want to eat a pint of ice cream! I really hope she gets inspired by SW and that things get better for the both of you.
     
  17. angelslice

    angelslice Full Member

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    I agree with all that's been said. It may be the case that although she hasn't stuck to the plan she's possibly made a couple of positive changes and that could result in a weight loss so you can guage her reaction and if she's thrilled then she'll want to go on losing, have a sneaky word with your consultant to make sure she receives loads of praise in group.

    It's important for her to know how you're feeling but being your mum I'd say she's well aware of that. Possibly feels she can't admit to you when she's cheated for fear of looking ungrateful for all you've done. Encourage her to be open with you about what she's eating, if she gets it wrong or slips up then don't make a big deal, shrug it off and point her in the right direction. I've got loads and loads of back issues of mags if you need any, lots with simple and quick recipes in and of course the inspirational stories.
     
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  19. bettylollypop

    bettylollypop soon to be skinny minnie

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    First of all big hugs to you. Me and my mum wen't through a similar situation with my brother. He is only 23 now and was very overweight, me and my mum tried every tactic going, e.g. we would pay for him to go to a class, we would buy all his food and prepare it for him, we would pay for a gym membership honestly we tried everything. He just wouldn't listen, the more we mentioned the subject it seemed the more he ate and the angrier he got. We were worried sick because he was so young and so large. However one day he was on the bus coming home from work, the bus was very busy so he had to stand then the bus stopped suddenly and he went flying flat on his face in front of the whole bus. Nobody helped him and asked if he was alright but he noticed the look of disgust on some peoples face and pity on others. That for him was the turning point and he started eating 3 meals a day and cut out the junk and snacked on fruit and made fresh smoothies (i call it the mans diet). He then went on to lose over 6 stone.

    The point of my long post is that i think there is a trigger for everyone that they think right i have to do this (in their own time) and that was my brothers. It is very frustrating in the mean time for you though, and i know exactly how you feel, however i do think that until she wants to do it deep down herself your mum might cheat or not really stick to plan.

    You should try popping out for a short walk with her when you are visiting if it is a nice day and if you are there, make her dinner or lunch. And like everyone else said try just sitting down and explaining all your worries to her. xxx
     
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  20. cocktailprincess

    cocktailprincess Still rockin' it

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    Hi Guys

    I can't tell you how grateful I feel for all of the fantastic advice that has been posted. It has really helped me see things from lots of different perspectives, and I feel better able to cope with the situation now. I guess I have to accept that I can't fix everything, but can perhaps try to influence the outcome of my problem by having a big talk with my Mum. She is coming for a Mothers day meal tomorrow- probably so it may be a real good opportunity to tell her how much I care for her and worry about her health. I just hope I can do it in a way that shows love but not judgement.

    Mostly, you have all made me feel incredibly privileged to be part of this support community. Thanks a million to everyone who took time out of their own lives to help a stranger...... you are all very special people

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  21. mommyB

    mommyB love it

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    couldnt read and run - i dont have quite the same problem with my mum but i can truly symapthise. My mum is in her 70's and has arthritus, she has been told ahe needs to keep mobile but will she?? will she heck !! all we get is ' i cant walk very much' we dont seem to be able to get thru to her that as her mobility decreases she wont get it back but she has such a negative attitude and just doesnt seem to want to listen or help herself. It is soooo frustrating so i can toatlly undersatnd where you are comming from.

    The only conclusion is that she is an adult, with all her faculties and still my mum so all i can do is be there when she needs me but let her get on with it the rest of the time. it is hard to step back but i found for my own sanity i have to realsie that i cant change her, but i can change my own reaction to it all.

    Best of luck i hope you can get her to appreciate how you feel
     
  22. marmite 330

    marmite 330 Gold Member

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