Russiandoll's Diary

Hi Debs

I smoke hun, and can still eat for England. I am like the other posters on here, once I start, I start and can't stop. I don't really know what I want to eat, but whatever I DO eat just doesn't "do it" for me, and I just keep on going until I feel sick (and sometimes even that feeling doesn't stop me!) I've no excuse - I don't have TOTMs any more and its not a "mood" thing other than "I want it, I'm gonna have it and I DON'T CARE!" So you are not alone xxx
 
I went to my CDCs yesterday - decided not to get weighed but picked up more stuff anyway. I think if I don't go and at least get SOME packs (even if it's just to supplement) then I'll be on a very slippery slope again. Unmonitored, no-one to answer to etc ...

I don't seem to have any 'vigour' at the moment and the prospect of restarting YET AGAIN only inspires a great big inward groan. But I do have to get a grip again so I'm going to try and get my head straight by Monday. I'm back at Uni then and so in some sort of routine. I don't think I'll be SSing though - I'll probably do a combination of calorie counting supplemented with CD packs (CD mousse makes a great low cal dessert)

Steve is trying to put the new radiator in my Subaru as I type. I hope he can do it with no problems; I've swapped the insurance from the Scoobie to the Mazda only until Monday. If he can't fix it, then I'll have the hassle of extending the insurance with another £20 admin fee.

In town yesterday I bumped into an old neighbour from when I lived down here before my move North (2000). I had heard through the grapevine that his wife had died - very sad; she was only in her early 50s and a lovely woman.
He went out of his way to come over and talk to me in the card shop where I was getting a bundle of mothers day cards ... he asked me how I was and how long we'd been back.

I knew he wanted to tell me about Sue so I pre-empted it by saying I'd heard the sad news and was sorry. It's always awkward mentioning something like that but from personal experience I know that the bereaved like their loss to be acknowledged.
He nodded and I could tell he was still devastated. I asked how long ago it happened; she died in January last year. Anyway, we carried on chatting outside the shop. I discovered she died from emphesema (sp) as she had been quite a heavy smoker. He looked so pained telling me about her death; they had been such a fantastic couple - really in love and best friends too.
Suddenly his bottom lip started trembling and before I knew what I was doing, I just hugged him. He completely broke down and clung onto me. I didn't really care that I was in the middle of the High Street holding onto a sobbing man - he was just in so much pain: utterly broken.

Anyway, he composed himself and we parted but it affected me all day. Poor, poor bloke.
Later, I was watching 'Meet Joe Black' with Steve and it got to the bit where the father (Anthony Hopkins) was saying goodbye to his daughter because he knew he was about to die and that was it ... it was all too much and I just broke down.
Felt better for a good cry though.

Right - sorry about the rambling. Onwards and ... whatever!
 
You did the right thing - I bet the man felt so much better for that hug.He probably will look back on that moment many times and feel better for sharing his grief instead of it just building up and up. As for you, yes a good cry probably did you a lot of good too. It's so hard at the moment for you; you support everyone else and forget that you need holding up sometimes too.

I hope you have a happier day today and don't let the weight thing dominate your life too much; you are doing your best and under the circumstances that in itself is miraculous.

Love and hugs
 
OH gosh, I've just got myself composed, reading your last post I lost iyt a little too.....I agree with Barb, I think that hug will stay with him for a long time and he may have released something that too many people keep inside for far too long

Love to you you are a wonderful woman
 
Well, today is an exciting day as DD2 Amy is going into hospital to be induced. She's a week overdue and the baby is measuring big so the doctors have decided better out than in!

She probably won't give birth until tomorrow though as she goes in at 3pm and we all know the amount of faffing about that goes on in admissions. My guess is that they'll put in a pessary, let her settle overnight then rev up tomorrow with a drip (that's how it went for me the three times I was induced anyway).

As for the diet -who cares? I'm going to have a new grandson soon :D
 
baby.jpg


Big congrats RD! What a lovely event to look forward to!
 
Hiya Debbie,
Congratulations on the arrival of your little man, My sister is being induced on saturday if her little man doesn't put in an appearance before, lol !

Thank you for your lovely comment on my piccy, awesomer hey now that could catch on ! Didn't feel awesomer tho' and in all honesty it's my most flattering big pic i have other monsters here that i can't bear to look at at all .

Sorry your having a tough time again i understand how you feel and its the constant going round in circles that bought me to the end of my tether and thats how i made the decision to have the op'.
I would never encourage anyone to have an operation at all (had trouble convincing myself) but all i can do is be honest and say that it is the best decision i have ever made.

I am still overweight for my height and my bmi is 30.5 . If i didnt lose another pound i would be happy, I am active, i can buy clothes from any shop. I read your posts between you and lovely Barb (hi barb x) and thats why i am responding (hope you don't mind). No being smaller isnt the magic cure for lifes ills. For me being smaller gives me space in my head and the confidence to tackle things head on . My relationships with my hubby daughters family and friends have all improved by an enormous amount. I don't fret about what i am eating because my body is now re-programmed i eat to live not live to eat and this is the 1st time in my life it's been the case.

I hope you are happy and feeling more positive and i wish you great success whatever path you follow much love Julie xxx
 
Hi Kandy
Thanks for your post. It's strange that you posted about your surgery as I have found my mind wandering down the WLS path over the past few days. I first thought about it back in 2006 and it was when I was considering WLS that I stumbled upon info about CD ... I decided to give it a go, lost heaps of weight and was quite evangelical about VLCDs.

Of course, now I've regained loads and although I still think VLCDs are great, I'm beginning to think that there isn't any 'diet' on the face of the planet that will help me get balance into my life. My dieting peaks and troughs are disturbing and I keep resorting to eating large amounts of 'stuff' (usually fairly healthy stuff but in considerable volume) It seems to take vast amounts of food before the 'satisfied' switch is flicked. One I'm full, all is well with the world - except that then, the guilty switch is flicked and I end up going round and round on the binge / fast merry-go-round.

I've been reading a fair bit on WLS both on the boards and off (looked at a link someone gave on here BOSPA?). Anyway, the long and short of it is that I'm seriously considering having a chat with my GP about WLS. I know the chances of ANYONE getting it on the NHS is remote but I'll never know if I don't ask.

I know I can eat healthily but I just seem to be capable of eating healthy food to excess. I rarely eat junk food, sweets or crisps but I can down several bowls of bran flakes at one sitting. I know - I'm a freak! :eek:
Would WLS correct this constantly feeling 'empty' syndrome I seem to have?
 
Hi Debbie,
I will be honest with you now.

I am a huge comfort eater always have been wether happy, sad, worried, lonely, hurt, angry they all led me to food.

I am only 6mths out so i am no expert but my experience has been this:-

From the moment i opened my eyes from the op i felt odd inside like my plumbing had been re-jigged (which it had ) i didnt expect to be able to feel it. Not pain just alien . That feeling lasted for a month i would say i didn't test it ! I did exactly as i was told .

Regarding switching your on switch off you may remember i couldn't even stick with the 3 wk pre-op diet and i felt the op would fail me .

I had to remind myself to eat force myself to eat there was no hunger !my hunger has returned just over 4 mths out but i cannot binge, my pouch would not let me if i tried. The 1 moment i craved a binge last wk i think, i ate 2 bags of crisps and felt yuk (too much fat in one sitting) and was uncomfortably stuffed. The craving was a suprise but in no way the craving of old that i couldnt control.

I wonder at times if they didn't fiddle with something in my head when i was under. I truly cannot believe who i am now, regarding food. I am so grateful that i feel this way i feel powerful and strong i enjoy food now because it has no hold over me i am finally free !
I am not taking it for granted i know its a tool and i could muck it up but my surgeon said to me even if i flout all the rules the tool remains and will always help me and i will never gain all i have lost.
I know this may sound wonderful ,and i like you felt the same way about vlcds once but i believe that for some this is the only option and i was one of them!
Don't be ashamed if you decide to go for it , it could be the best decision you ever make .
Take care Debbie and if you ever want me just holler!
Love Julie xxx
 
Wow Debbie - Julie's story (Hi Julie x) does make fascinating reading. Are you really tempted? I would be if I wasn't such a wuss!

Hope Amy and Evan are doing well.

Love
 
I've been thinking about it for a little while Barb.It's one of those 'once and for all' things and would do the trick regarding the volume of food I eat. As for the type - well, that's not really a major problem.

There's no way I can afford to go privately though so if I pluck up the courage to discuss it with my GP and it's a flat 'No' then that's that. Perhaps that appeals to my fatalistic attitude - if it's not meant to be then it just won't happen IYKWIM.

Amy & Evan are fine - we're going to Plymouth on Friday for the weekend to see them. Amy has sent me a phone pic every morning of the little man with a 'Good morning Nana' message attached; it really makes me smile ... he's such a chubba chops! :)
 
He looks so lovely Debbie, bet you can't wait to give him a cuddle!

I understand your attitude about the WLS - it has to be worth an ask, after all your GP knows that commitment and effort you have put in.
Write down your reasons for asking so that when you get there you don't get all flustered. GP's liek that, it shows you've REALLY thought it through.

If it's the right thing for you and maybe it is, then I hope it works out. If it isn't or doesn't then I know you, you'll find another way.

Love
 
I went to my CDC's a day early and picked up next weeks stuff. That's because I'm off to DD2's tomorrow afternoon for the weekend to see little Evan for the first time. Very excited!

Anyway, my CDC asked if I wanted to be weighed - my first reaction was 'no' but then I decided to give it a go. I was surprised (and pleased) to see that I was the same as I was 2 weeks ago. Seems odd that I'd be pleased to STS but I actually know that I had GAINED over the half term to although it LOOKS like I've STS, I've actually lost some (if you get my drift!)

Right - now the 'should I shouldn't I' bit ....
There's a rather exclusive ladies spa / gym near me and they're doing an offer at the moment - 75 Gold memberships @ £5.99 per week. It's paid monthly and it has to be a 3 year membership ... so quite a commitment.
As far as I can see, there are no 'catches'.

I was tempted to phone them as I've decided to go down to 2 CD packs per day and the saving from that would cover the cost of the gym. I like the idea of it being ladies only ... I went to a gym up North for 2 years because it was ladies only - as soon as they went 'mixed' I left. I just don't like puffing, panting and sweating in front of strange blokes (ooo er!!! :eek: - you know what I mean!!) I actually drove up to the front of the spa on my way home from Uni today but then chickened out as I gave myself into the 'you can walk for free along the Bay' argument.

SO ... should I or shouldn't I?
 
... or a Big Mac and doughnut (that's the old me talking)

Maybe I'll give them a call tomorrow ...
 
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