Self sabotage and why chocolate is a tool of satan. (a saga)

[kerryberry]

I am past halfway but not quite at the end of my CD journey and have been so focused and have done Sole Source for the last 19 weeks but I am starting to look at food again in the same way men look at girls on page 3 lol. So I thought i would scan this part of the forum to see if there was anything that rang any bells. So I started to read this thread and it made me laugh not in a funny way but at myself as I was the complete opposite as I was in that big river in egypt. I couldn't see how fat I was and I blaimed everything else on why I was wearing size 24 clothes the fatter I got the louder and funnier I would be around friends but inside i was miserable. I have been on a diet since my mum put me on one at 12 the only time I was thin was when I first left school and thats becuase I stopped eating and lived on peach shnapps and Halls cough sweets then I fell preggers at 17 and ballooned up to a size 24 luckily I bagged my hubby when I was a pretend size 10-12. I didn't have any mirrors in the house apart from a hand mirror i did my make up in. I was the life and soul of the party men were never a problem as after a few I would chat them up, but once in a relationship I would doubt I was good enough as I was fat. Now that I am a size 16 nearly into 14's well i don't know as i am to scared to try them on even though 16's are baggy, I want to be that girl that just blends in with her group of friends not the loud one who thinks by having a great cleavage no one will notice I am fat.

I am so worried I will fail when i get to goal, I am loving being smaller so much more than food but it still calls to me and what if I am not strong enough to say no. Why do some people keep it off and others don't??? can i really retrain my head??

 

[junoesque]

Hi Kerry,

I, too just want to be ordinary. I don't want to have to try so hard all the time. I want to stop justifying being different and pretending to be happy about it. I just want to be accepted by everyone (not just people brave enough to be seen with a fat person ). I want to feel like I belong.
Even though we're coming at it from different directions, I really do understand how you feel.

Personally think retraining your head is the bit that comes after (or at the end of) the diet.. and I think it's every bit as hard as what you've gone through to warrant the the retraining.

In many ways it's more difficult because no one can give you a plan and say "do this and everything will be fine".. you really have to work it out for yourself, and it can be quite painful emotionally.
When you have finished your diet, you are quite literally a new you and very vulnerable, but the point is that it is a new you, and you can reinvent yourself any way you want.
If you would like to be quieter and less attention grabbing, then act (like you were in a play) the part. If you like it, keep it up. If you don't try on another approach until you find the skin that fits you. They say it takes only 28 days to make a habit. If you like the new role you have developed keep on acting and make it the new you.

The fear of getting fat again is pretty standard, I think. Icemoose has a really good blog that covers a lot of the headspace problems that we have and best of all he delivers it straight into your email inbox every Saturday.
I mention this because he is one person that I think has really gotten his head together.. he lost 12 stones and has kept it off for a few years now, but it doesn't haunt him. It's history, not a nightmare that may come back.. so it can be done.
If you want to have a look they are at Mike Scott's No Willpower Required Newsletter.
(not sure if I'm allowed to post a link, so sorry if it vanishes)

You sound like you are thin in your head, and soon your body will match your self image (which is great! It's what we are all striving for) and as long as you know WHY the weight went on in the first place, you can stop it happening again.. you maintained before.. you can do it again only smaller this time

Face it, girl anyone who can not eat a thing for nearly 6 months can do anything!

Juno ..

 

[kerryberry]

My CDC gave me that link too so I will check it out I think that when you loose weight quickly like on CD your head needs time to catch up. I also think you have to be in th eright head space to loose weight I was going through a horrible time personally at work and I was comfort eating and I could feel i was getting bigger and I was depressed about the issues and one day I woke up and said no more and started the diet. It was the only thing I could control in my life at the time, and for the first time in years I felt I could do it and become thin. As you say we create a new us and I always thought that deiters who refered to themselves in the third person were mad, but i do it now "who was that fat person i don't recognise her" and its me.
We will all get there because we want it and we are working hard for it.

 

[Lynn8124]

Hey Juno, thanks for sharing and your honesty. Sometimes I wonder what it'll be like to suddenly go from being invisible to being "Out there" for all the world to see and I worry that I still wont be "good enough" or "thin enough." Still, I'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

 

[Bess]

What a brilliant post Juno, I just saw it before clicking onto the CD Maintenance bit. Well done you, I'm sure you'll be successful all ways this time round!

 

[PurpleButterfly]

junoesque, I just read this so forgive me for coming in a little late.

What a fantastic post though! I do know what you mean - for me I was doing a VLCD for a while but because I had been big for all of my life, suddenly my body was making these massive changes and I didn't recognise who was emerging in the mirror. For me it has taken a long time to be able to equate that 'I' don't have to be big, to be 'me'. I can be beautiful and attractive as well as others. I went for a personal stylist session the other day and it was brilliant. But I would say that you have to be ready for it, to do it. I get a LOT more people noticing me now, and complimenting me and just looking at me whilst I'm walking along the street or something now.

For me although I'm not quite there yet, I'm taking my weight loss really slowly now; I lose a bit then stop for a while to get used to 'me' but a little bit different 'me'.

It's SO right that your head has to catch up to all the social things that go with being slim, noticeable and attractive instead of being invisible. It's a massive thing to adjust to! Would you consider maintaining at a weight that is just on the fringe of being socially acceptable but not too much, for a while? To start to get used to how it is? What I will say is that you will find out your true friends because they will accept you no matter whether you are big or small.