cateka
Full Member
I want to say a big sorry to everybody right this very second. So many people have given me good advice, empathy and support, and every bit of it has bounced right off me. The reason being is that my conflict is with my mind, not my weight.
Before I "got serious" about dieting I was already suffering from bulimia even though I was in denial about it. I only threw up when I ate what I considered "too much" egs being a chinese takeaway or a pudding after dinner. When I began dieting everything was ideally perfect, I put in the food that my body needed and worked off a majority of the calories from it, thus I lost weight. Once I dropped below 8st I got a feeling like euphoria, I had never been so proud of myself in my life. I had done it, it was MY decision and MY work. So proud that I didn't need to throw up anymore, because I had control over what I ate.
Unfortunatly, everytime I relapsed, such as drinking alcohol or eating a few biscuits, naturally my weight bumped back up a bit. The split second I made a mistake like this I had to throw up again. This would make me tired, and I would skip on my exercise for that day, understandable, no? These relapses became more frequent and the strain got worse. I joined a "Pro-Mia" community (I assume you understand this name) in order to get advice on making the purge less straining. This just made it worse. It became too easy to purge, and therefore too easy to slip, I loved it, I could eat ANYTHING I wanted and gain no weight. All well and good. Then came the bingeing, I would eat and eat untill my heart hurt, until my head hurt, until I couldn't eat anymore, and then still I'd eat. Typically, every bit of it has to come up. I have had 6 binges today, and 8 purges. My heart hurts, it hurts so much. Last night I woke up 6 times either dripping with sweat or with my fists clenched from cold. I have the worst headache ever and I'm scared I am going to die, same as I am every night. My stomache is bloated and swolen, it has been streched, the same way you streach an arm or leg when you work it too hard. I still weigh less than eight stone, but now I rely on this, my exercise and diet have been abandoned and I am withering away in my toilet. My mother is angry with me, bullies me every day, my boyfriend is tired of me keeping him up all night crying and being too sad to go out anywhere. I'm so tired of it, sick and tired. I don't want to eat this much, but I can't help it, its like being posessed. I am so tired of my heart hurting. I looked in my mirror today; my eyes are disappearing back into my head, the tips of my teeth are turning grey (most likely irreversable damage) as is my skin. I have also found a couple of grey hairs. I am 18 years old. I have called my doctor a few times during my increasingly frequent anxiety attacks. He has told me I am setting myself up for a heart attack.
This bounces off me too, because I don't care, I've lost all self respect and sometimes feel like I'd be better off dead. I mean whats the point? If I binge, food controls my life, if I don't binge, it still controls my life because I am so scared of relapsing.
Bulimia is real, it is here, and don't EVER go through life thinking 'it will never happen to me'.
You are just as vunerable as anyone else.
NEVER aim for the anorexic range of the BMI, you are aiming for a mental illness, not a weight, no matter what you think. Be realistic. You can't get to these weights without suffering mental problems, its a matter of fact.
I am writing all this because I am scared for my life, REALLY scared. I actually worry that I might die tonight. Whether I do or don't I have decided I am no longer going to post on minimins.com forum outside this thread. I think you can understand why - the help I need is not here and I can only be a bad influence on the rest of you. I just need to get this one message across. Once again I am sorry.
DO NOT AIM FOR THE UNDERWEIGHT RANGE OF THE BMI.
YOU ARE ASKING FOR MISERY, POOR HEALTH AND POSSIBLY DEATH.
Don't make the mistake I did.
Before I "got serious" about dieting I was already suffering from bulimia even though I was in denial about it. I only threw up when I ate what I considered "too much" egs being a chinese takeaway or a pudding after dinner. When I began dieting everything was ideally perfect, I put in the food that my body needed and worked off a majority of the calories from it, thus I lost weight. Once I dropped below 8st I got a feeling like euphoria, I had never been so proud of myself in my life. I had done it, it was MY decision and MY work. So proud that I didn't need to throw up anymore, because I had control over what I ate.
Unfortunatly, everytime I relapsed, such as drinking alcohol or eating a few biscuits, naturally my weight bumped back up a bit. The split second I made a mistake like this I had to throw up again. This would make me tired, and I would skip on my exercise for that day, understandable, no? These relapses became more frequent and the strain got worse. I joined a "Pro-Mia" community (I assume you understand this name) in order to get advice on making the purge less straining. This just made it worse. It became too easy to purge, and therefore too easy to slip, I loved it, I could eat ANYTHING I wanted and gain no weight. All well and good. Then came the bingeing, I would eat and eat untill my heart hurt, until my head hurt, until I couldn't eat anymore, and then still I'd eat. Typically, every bit of it has to come up. I have had 6 binges today, and 8 purges. My heart hurts, it hurts so much. Last night I woke up 6 times either dripping with sweat or with my fists clenched from cold. I have the worst headache ever and I'm scared I am going to die, same as I am every night. My stomache is bloated and swolen, it has been streched, the same way you streach an arm or leg when you work it too hard. I still weigh less than eight stone, but now I rely on this, my exercise and diet have been abandoned and I am withering away in my toilet. My mother is angry with me, bullies me every day, my boyfriend is tired of me keeping him up all night crying and being too sad to go out anywhere. I'm so tired of it, sick and tired. I don't want to eat this much, but I can't help it, its like being posessed. I am so tired of my heart hurting. I looked in my mirror today; my eyes are disappearing back into my head, the tips of my teeth are turning grey (most likely irreversable damage) as is my skin. I have also found a couple of grey hairs. I am 18 years old. I have called my doctor a few times during my increasingly frequent anxiety attacks. He has told me I am setting myself up for a heart attack.
This bounces off me too, because I don't care, I've lost all self respect and sometimes feel like I'd be better off dead. I mean whats the point? If I binge, food controls my life, if I don't binge, it still controls my life because I am so scared of relapsing.
Bulimia is real, it is here, and don't EVER go through life thinking 'it will never happen to me'.
You are just as vunerable as anyone else.
NEVER aim for the anorexic range of the BMI, you are aiming for a mental illness, not a weight, no matter what you think. Be realistic. You can't get to these weights without suffering mental problems, its a matter of fact.
I am writing all this because I am scared for my life, REALLY scared. I actually worry that I might die tonight. Whether I do or don't I have decided I am no longer going to post on minimins.com forum outside this thread. I think you can understand why - the help I need is not here and I can only be a bad influence on the rest of you. I just need to get this one message across. Once again I am sorry.
DO NOT AIM FOR THE UNDERWEIGHT RANGE OF THE BMI.
YOU ARE ASKING FOR MISERY, POOR HEALTH AND POSSIBLY DEATH.
Don't make the mistake I did.
You never E-mail me
