Siezing the day... whatever the day may bring !

Wow lots to think about hun.

Now that I'm getting closer to goal the weight is becoming second to the CBT. I look forward to class and peeling away another layer of the onion. Things I thought i'd dealt wit yrs ago come to the surface and if i cant do anything about it I'm putting it in a box (red for some reason) sealing it down never to be opened again lol. LL really makes you think.

Surely the main reason should be our health first and foremost. Maybe some crooked thinking going on here hun xxx
 
It sounds as though you've been doing some really deep thinking. Perhaps you needed that period of time going from slim to overweight again to emphasis the impact that weight has on your health. We all have different motivations, I must admit that health is the last thing on my mind although that is slowly changing now with having my little boy. I think it's wonderful that you are having the chance to explore these feelings and even more wonderful that you feel you are able to share these feelings with us. Keep up the good work lovely lady, you're doing brilliantly!

Oh and by the way, your goals and stats blew my mind so I am just going to nod and smile! ;) xxx
 
Week has gone well. No nibbling and quite focused. Not feeling hungry or craving which is a good thing :)

Had a day baking today. Fine for me as I dont like cake lol Need to perfect my cupcakes, they have a long way to go. Need to find hobbies that are not eating and drinking. Baking is not a bad one. Though I fear I am turning into a feeder lol

Onwards and downwards xx
 
I'm glad you've had a good, focused week :) Amazing what a few successful days can do for the motivation. Go you!

The baking sounds good :) I couldn't stop baking in the first few weeks of Total, I think it was comforting or something being around food, even if I couldn't eat it. Lol, at becoming a feeder!

Here's to another successful, positive day xxx
 
I love Sundays like this. Raining hard outside. Can see the sheets of rain roll up over the marsh out of my window. All tucked up on the sofa. Good book. Soft lighting. Scented candle. Bath had, facial done, nails painted. Fizzy water sorted.

AH BLISS :)
 
Feeling Queen of the Grumps today. SOOOO want to eat!

Ah well !
 
Clarabow said:
Feeling Queen of the Grumps today. SOOOO want to eat!

Ah well !
Click to expand...

We all have those days Clara - dig deep food is not the answer. Why don't you do a thought record to see what is behind the grumps? xx
 
Aw chin up hun, keep yourself busy xx
 
Addiction won out today. Boll**ks! Never mind sanity just about kept and tomorrow is another day. Thought record to come xx

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I'm in the same place as you today huni...must be summit in the air. New day tomorrow

Big hugs xxxx
 
New day was achieved yesterday. Crisis over need to think where the hell it came from

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Bad week mood wise. Struggling through and sticking to plan even though I am a lump of hell!

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Did you find out what was going on for you hun like Lady T mentioned?? It helps to know why you've done it.

Mine was through fear of my swimming, bit more to it than thatbut I didnt see it, it was my LLC that knew straight away what it was. I asked why I didnt think of it and she said its cos she's a psychologist!!! I think I need to do psychology - cant even spell it, let alone get a qualification in it!!!

If you need a chat I'm happy to give you my number huni, dont like to see you like this. Were all here for you xxx
 
Thanks for the offer Jules.
I'm still not sure what kicked off Monday's debacle. It was awful to feel so out of control of my desire for food. Haven't had an episode so bad as that for a long long time.

So what was going on. I was pretty wound up going into work first thing. Feeling quite anxious and bad tempered.

A lot of work stuff was making me unhappy and over stressed. The day ahead of me was likely to be a difficult one, which it indeed turned out to be. I am not great at asking for support and so turn to food for that support as it tones down my emotions.

Well the week was pretty poor work wise. It did however make me realise that it is time to move on from my present post. Though I love what I do, there are some things that I cant change and dont wish to come to terms with. Thankfully it is about personalities rather than anything more meaningful. Shame as there will be things that I will really miss.

Also struggling getting my head round this weight loss malarky. Was a huge insight to find that being slim didn't matter all that much to me. Health is the important thing however and that is keeping me strong.

Had a lot of positive strokes out last night with my friends. They hadn't seen me since April so were quite surprised when I turned up looking a bit more slinky. The comments made me feel a bit uncomfortable, as they were valuing something I myself dont value. Tricky one. I have liked being a large lady, I have felt glamerous and beautiful. To loose weight for me does not equate that I will feel more attractive. Mind you I dont think I have much experience of being at a lower weight lol

Right so what do I need to do :- crack on with shifting this weight, head down and move on. Drink more water. Change my job. Get out more and get a life !

Thanks lovely ladies for the support. Loving your diaries they help an awful lot.

Onwards and downwards xx
 
Hun, you have a lot to think about, no wonder you turned to food...I do the same thing.

Maybe your thinking of too many things at once and its all too much and then turning to food - I dont know. Try and deal with one thing at a time. Working somewhere where your not happy affects every part of your life as you spend most of the time there.

You dont have to become a stick either!! ;), just lose as much as you feel comfortable losing.

This journey has an uncanny way of peeling that onion and what you thought was the issue (weight) isnt always what makes us unhappy! I know I wasnt prepared for it!!

Big hugs xxxxxxx
 
Stupid Woman, Ridiculous Behaviour!

I have just done something totally flamming stupid ! Eaten something I really shouldn't have eaten, high carb !

Where is my head at ? Substance was there in my parents house. I had just popped in to see how mum mum was after her minor op today. Parent's dishing out the aformentioned toxic substance as I walked in. Oh I'll just pick a few thought I. The few turned into a small side plate of.

Bonkers behaviour ! And I weigh tomorrow. Ah well nowt I can do about it now. Stupid woman ! Thoughtless eating.Lesson to be learned there I feel.

I need to draw a line under things and start afresh. I can do this!

Right plan of action. I need to up my water. not drinking nearly enough, so that contributes to lapses of judgement. Need to avoid the bars as they are a bit too sweet and are becomming a bit compulsive, same I think for the shepherds pie bit too moreish. Space my packs a bit better, split the vanilla to have half mid morning and half mid afternoon.

Is my subconscious supporting me lapsing as I am deep down not comitted to loosing weight ? Could be ? Well do you know what I am not having any of it! I need to prove to myself that I can do this! I am not prepared to let go of that aim, now I have comitted to it. My inner chatterbox and child need to go take a running jump !

Right tomorrow is another day. Rant over !

Onwards and downwards people x
 
Ok thinking on, what would I say to someone who had just posted that and had been having a bit of a wobble about their comittment to the plan?

I would tell someone to stop, take a deep breath and see what was going on for them. What is the larger picture?

I had a bad wobble last week that really shook my feeling of being in control around food. So feeling quite vulnerable around my will power. Leaving myself in a situation with access to high carb goodies was not a good idea when I am wobbly. I have learnt I cant be around certain tempting smells and take myself away because of this. Lesson to learn prompt action to leave a tempting situation needs to be taken as a first course of action rather than entering a debate about what to do with myself.

I have started to write down the reasons why I want to loose weight. Though they may not be as immediate a payoff as I would like them to be they are important in the long term. I have never been terribly good at forgoing short term pleasure for long term gain. Something I will need to get better at.

I can feel my stubborness kicking in. I have something to prove to myself and am not willing to give up on that. What I need to do is make better daily decisions in order to move towards that aim of 12 stone.

As Yoda says " Do or do not. Be or be not. No try" ( spot the star wars geek lol ) I think I am just trying and by only trying I am giving myself options which allow me to lapse.

More rambling to come, as I sort this disordered thinking out. Happy days.lol
 
Weigh in last night, stayed the same.:sigh: made me realise what opportunity I am wasting.

Good group though, really useful. We did the problem solving exercise the one with six stages. It helped me talk about my lack of motivation to loose weight and the huge payoffs I get from eating.:devilangel:It's like a huge seesaw where the balance is skewed to eat as there is more value in that than loosing weight.

It's very sad to realise that the major pleasure and motivator in your life is food! My life has revolved around it for soo long. It's been compensation, comfort, reward, pleasure and company. Hard act to follow that lol Take it away and what do you put in its place? Major addiction here.

Talked about work last night in group it was interesting to hear others perspective on it that don't know the personalities involved. When talking about it I came to realise how undervalued I am in my present post and how hard I am working for little recognition. My counsellor was thrilled when the light dawned for me on this as she has been working with me on it. She said " at last you have seen it, despite having tried for the last few months to work around the problem by blaming yourself you have recognised the issue is not about you!" I may be slow but I get there in the end! The girls in my group were great and all felt the personality I was talking about was an absolute nightmare who didn't really like me very much lol

So all in all head feeling a bit more sorted. Will be changing to a Friday group which will be good for me as a Friday is a particularly bad day for me lapse wise. The group I am in varies quite a bit which is difficult to deal with as there is not a lot of comittment there. Hopefully this other group will be more steady.

Hope every one is having a good week. Yesterday went to plan 100% One down a run of 50 days to go for me.

xx
 
Day one achieved yesterday. 100%. Day two going well enough so far. Chugging the water.
 
Well done gorgeous, you are unstoppable (i love that word!)

Knew you could so it

xx
 
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