Thanks Lady and Katie (hugs). I know I will write about these issues. I need to decide if I do it privately or publicly. I will probably do it on my Stream of Consciousness thread, when I formulate it all in my head. There was a series of convulted episodes, startng as far back as 1984, and coming to a head just last year, with about a 22 year gap in the middle where those 22 years I believed one thing to be the truth, only to have just found out it was not at all. There are some things that happened to me, and some things I did that, based on something I thought to be true, only to find out 22 years later there was a certain amount of deception. I don't mean to be cryptic - its just a whole lot of stuff, muddled up together, where had I been told the truth in 1984, my life would have been completely and utterly different and I surely would not have experienced many of the things that have led me here. It involves deception, loss, shame, guilt, depression, betrayal, irony, a whole load of things. It would make a good Jackie Collins novel. lol But I will get it out - I know I need to.
I have found since I moved here in 2000, I have desperately missed having my best girl friends to talk to, and have kept an awful lot of things bottled up inside. Not that I could not talk to my DH - which I have, and bless him, he's just not a best girlfriend. I have not found it easy to find a confidante. Maybe its jst the women I have met, or maybe British women tend to keep things to themselves more, therefore if they do not share, maybe they do not want to hear? (and I don;t think that is a bad thing, or mean it negatively, it is maybe just a cultural difference? Or just the ones I have met.) - I honestly don't know, but I have been starved for heart-to-hearts, and that is probably why I am spilling so much here on this forum. Once you tap a well and all....but for the first time in seven years, I have met people here on this site who understand most of what I have kept inside. And its been wonderful. I often worry I blurt out too much personal stuff, but the anonymity of this site makes it easy, and its so helpful to hear others comments, and if they relate, it just makes you feel not alone. But there is always a fear of being judged. But I just have to get over that.
I can feel it surfacing, and an ex once told me if something troubles you and you don;t know what it is, as soon as you think of something it might be - when that something makes you cry, that is usually what it is. The (only) best advice he ever gave. So I have a pretty good idea what it is. And it's OK. It's old wounds, and old tears. I don't dwell in it, I just want to once and for all put it in its proper place in my life's archives. Rather then have it floating around, bobbing up and down now and again. Ya know?
So thanks ladies. Would be lost without your support. I will get it out. Even if in small stages
(hugs) you all are the best.
xx
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