Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

Sarah - you echo so many of my thoughts and sentiments. I too got down to a lovely size 12/14 - have let myself go up and up til I'm now a size 16/18 and hate it.

Can recognise many of your feelings. So if you are not normal neither am I .... and lots of other people on here too I imagine!!! Having said that what is "normal"????

Just wanted to send you best wishes, love and hugs. Enjoy the wedding in Edinburgh - most people are just going to be pleased to see you and enjoy your company ... and so not care what size you are.

Hope the counselling went well and you, me and lots of others on here are going to get this unwanted extra weight sorted this year and be skinny minis in summer 2007!!!
 
Keeping going Hun. It is difficult and I do sympathise, I've put on 8lbs and am desparate to lose them and despite that am struggling. I got into ketosis yesterday and today found myself with a sandwich in my hand. I don't even eat bread.

I've started treating eating as a headache. Kind of like my body telling me of emotional pain that I haven't admitted to yet. You sound like you're trying so hard.

1. It doesn't matter about the people in Edinburgh, you didn't lose the weight for them. Friends are friends no matter what you weigh.

2. The car stuff did make me laugh. I used to have the worst clutch control and if I got nervous my hands and feet started shaking and I couldn't do anything at all. I wnet skid pan training and after that anything was easier!

3 The counselling is an act of bravery. Going over stuff is painful - but by doing it you're giving yourself solid foundations for your future.

4 I wish I was still young enough to get a lolly after injections and stuff. How come they don't give you anything when you're a grown up?

I hope the counselling went well and you got a great outfit. Have a fab time in Edinburgh and bring lots of warm clothes!

4
 
Hun - the majority of the women in this country are a size 16+, so you ARE normal.
You're about as unloony as you can get!!!
You're just having a rough patch, is all.

Funnily enough, my counsellor said exactly the same to me today, but more on that later!

IF anyone says ANYTHING negative to you in Edinburgh, which I doubt they will cos you look lush - then just say that you had so many comments about being too thin, you decided to put a bit of weight back on to see how you felt. You don't feel particularly comfortable, so you're going to lose it again. That way, it's a positive rather than a negative. (works for me anyhoo!)

Like the idea of this approach. I doubt anybody will say anything but like your style! I will definately use this one!

Take heart, babes - you know you can SS when your head's in the right place. It's just not that time right now.

Yep, you're right - my head is in the totally wrong place at the moment and I'm considering a change of tactics.

I gave a shiver when I read your post, Sarah, because it was so evocative of me this time last year - in total despair at my continued failure to achieve what I SO WANTED, i.e. to lose weight and be healthy. Why the hell could I not do it? I wanted to so much? What was stopping me? Why did I always fail?

This despair infected all areas of my life and eventually I 'gave in' and went to my GP who put me on anti-depressants (I was so afraid of those things). Desperation made me agree to give them a try.

There is a sort of stigma with anti depressants isn't there. I have been on and off of them for so long but I still feel uncomfortable talking about it to some people. Just increased my dose and we will see if it makes a difference, but they have definately been a life saver.

I've read all your posts Sarah and you are anything but weak-willed (I am sure that the others will back me up on that one), but you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself and I wonder if something in your subconscious is saying "enough already, gimme a break from this SSing, AAM stuff" and fighting your conscious efforts to stay on track. You know that your subconscious will always win in the end!

This is exactly what I think is happening! My rebellious child is stamping it's feet and saying enough already! Need to put her to bed and find my adult!

The counselling session will hopefully be a chance for you to start to get to grips with what's really going on in your head. Good luck with it.

Thank you, will be writing it up in a bit.

As far as imagining what 'people' will think when they see you in Edinburgh, larger than you were when you left, again, from reading all the posts on this thread, I know how well you are regarded by the people who have met you and post here. That is an inescapable fact Sarah. Those who love you and care for you will continue to do so whatever weight you are when you see them. They will be so overjoyed at seeing you and spending time with you that, quite frankly, they will not give a f****ng f*** what you look like!

Please give yourself a chance to enjoy your weekend in Edinburgh! Try not to get too hung up on the weight issue!

In the cold light of day today I felt much better and I know that the people I will be seeing do regard me highly and yes I am sure that they won't give a darn what I look like. I am going to have a great time!

Hi Sarah, just wanted to pop in to say I hope the counselling went okay this morning and it wasn't as stressful as you anticipated..... I feel a lot like you at the moment and every day is a constant battle!! I do know though that we are both strong women who will get to our goals one way or another, and in our own time.. we're here and continuing to try and beat our food demons... somedays we win somedays we lose but overall I think we're ahead....:)

Thinking of you lots and sending you all my love and big, big ((((((:)hug99: )))))))

xxxxxxxxxxxx:)

Thanks Mandy hun, I know we are strong and we have come so far together on this journey that we will complete it whatever it takes. And we will definately make shopping plans soon.

Sarah - you echo so many of my thoughts and sentiments. I too got down to a lovely size 12/14 - have let myself go up and up til I'm now a size 16/18 and hate it.

I find it so frustrating that I can't get back to where I was as easily as I did it first time. I loved being size 12 and felt good every day. Now I am disappointed every time I go shopping and I can't just pick anything off a shelf and know it will look good. Determined to get back there!

Can recognise many of your feelings. So if you are not normal neither am I .... and lots of other people on here too I imagine!!! Having said that what is "normal"????

You are right, there is no such thing as normal is there! I really do believe that on the whole that I am normal, but when I get so low my thinking gets a touch skewed!

Just wanted to send you best wishes, love and hugs. Enjoy the wedding in Edinburgh - most people are just going to be pleased to see you and enjoy your company ... and so not care what size you are.

Now I'm feeling a bit better I am looking forward to it and I intend to have a great time, although I might have to be well behaved because my mum has expressed her desire to let loose and I will have to make sure she gets back to the hotel in one piece *lol*.

Hope the counselling went well and you, me and lots of others on here are going to get this unwanted extra weight sorted this year and be skinny minis in summer 2007!!!

I have some fantastic summer clothes from my hols in Menorca last October and they are so going to fit me by summer!

Keeping going Hun. It is difficult and I do sympathise, I've put on 8lbs and am desparate to lose them and despite that am struggling. I got into ketosis yesterday and today found myself with a sandwich in my hand. I don't even eat bread.

I think ketosis does something screwy to your brain *lol*. Before I was SSing I wasn't bothered about chocolate but now I just can't get enough of it!

I've started treating eating as a headache. Kind of like my body telling me of emotional pain that I haven't admitted to yet. You sound like you're trying so hard.

I think this is very true, yep I eat to distract myself from what I'm feeling and as I said in my post yesterday I am the world's worst ostrich! If there is something unpleasant to be done then I will put it off as long as possible and hope it goes away. Some people sigh and get it over with, but not me and I inevitably make the situation worse in the long run!

1. It doesn't matter about the people in Edinburgh, you didn't lose the weight for them. Friends are friends no matter what you weigh.

True, I did lose weight for me. If I hadn't been doing it for me then I wouldn't have been as successful as I was. My friends are all fantastic and I know they don't care what I weigh!

2. The car stuff did make me laugh. I used to have the worst clutch control and if I got nervous my hands and feet started shaking and I couldn't do anything at all. I wnet skid pan training and after that anything was easier!

Skid pan training sounds like a lot of fun. Might look into that one. I told J that I wouldn't drive on our 4x4 weekend but maybe I should be brave and give it a go!

3 The counselling is an act of bravery. Going over stuff is painful - but by doing it you're giving yourself solid foundations for your future.

Yep, it is painful but I have always found it useful. I need the push to open up, if I'm not being forced I will always choose to ignore things!

4 I wish I was still young enough to get a lolly after injections and stuff. How come they don't give you anything when you're a grown up?

Very unfair I think *lol*. I want a sticker when I go to the dentist too!

I hope the counselling went well and you got a great outfit. Have a fab time in Edinburgh and bring lots of warm clothes!

Have managed to get an outfit which I will describe in my next post!
...
 
My, How Quickly Life Changes!

So today has been full of big changes and my head is spinning!

First of all, went to the doctors for 8.30am for my blood test. Last time I wasn't allowed to eat beforehand so I didn't know if the same applied this time so I didn't have anything. Called into the shop on the way there to pick something up for afterwards coz I was hungry. Well my eyes got really wide and I couldn't decide what I wanted so I got 2 of everything. Besides it didn't look so bad because I was buying lunch for me and someone else aswell wasn't I *lol*?

Blood test was OK, no pain at all - fab nurse! I was in and out by 8.35am so I went back and sat in my car and stuffed my face whilst reading my book. Doh, what am I like!

Went back in about 8.55am and was called in at 9am on the dot. The counsellor was absolutely fantastic. I felt right at home immediately.

My horoscope was quite poignant today:

The Moon's return to your sign can have you questioning your effectiveness as your emotions get in the way of what you want to do. You may be making your life more difficult than it needs to be by trying to hide your feelings. Just let others know what you're going through without making such a big deal about it. [SIZE=-1] Thursday, March 1, 2007 [/SIZE]

So I took the bull by the horns and told her exactly how I was feeling. My past counselling sessions have always had me skirting around the issues. Because I was so embarrassed by my weight I always said "I stressed" or "I'm depressed". So no hiding my feelings today, I told her that I hate being overweight and my self esteem is zero. We discussed CD and my feelings of helplessness at doing the program at the moment. She didn't really know much about CD but actually had clients who have done LL so was able to relate to what I meant. We talked about my busy month coming up and my social engagements and that I wanted to feel normal now. She was very supportive in terms of suggesting how I might be able to cope with SSing during the upcoming time but when I expressed that I really don't think I could do it then we discussed alternatives. I told her that I was thinking about doing something more "conventional" especially as I felt more "normal" doing it. She has suggested I look into it and suggests that something with a group would be good rather than just try to eat healthily at home. Especially as I found the group environment of LL so useful. She suggested that I need to stabilise my eating patterns because I explained how I was yo-yoing between SSing and binging and I felt that it was harming me to do so - both physically and mentally - failing and beating myself up constantly were creating a vicious circle of negativity. So her suggestion is to join WW and aim to follow a healthy eating plan for 4 months or so. During this time my weight loss might not be much (even if it's half a stone) I will break the cycle and take the pressure off myself. Once that time is up then if I want to SS to speed up weight loss then that is my decision. Although she seems to think that taking the pressure off myself will help the weight fall off naturally anyway, if I'm following WW or something like it. She wants me to keep a journal (no problem there) but to make sure I log good things too, such as if I wake up feeling crap but have lunch with a really good friend which boosts my mood then I can look back at those positive things in order to build more of them into my life. She also gave me some handouts as "homework" before we meet next time (in 3 weeks) and also gave me a web page to look at. It's free and has a number of online workbooks to help. If anyone is interested it is Home - Living Life to The Full

Did get quite emotional whilst there and shed a tear or 2, but she was so fab I can't wait to do my homework and see her again!
 
My Day Part 2!

Was afraid I'd lose that last post, so sorry if I'm boring you but this is good for me to get down.

Left the doctors and switched my phone back on to 2 messages, 1 from my mum to tell me about the other message I got. M&S had phoned me and have offered me some work. I was actually in MacDonalds when I got the messages (ahem, less said about that the better)! Went back to the car and I phoned them back and found out that it is 29 hours a week and starts 17th March. It is temp until 7th April but then there is 99% certainty that it will become permanent if I can be flexible about my hours come that date. The hours are 7-3s again, with Saturdays, some Sundays and 1 weekend off a month (but it's only 4 weeks initially anyway). I told them I have a few weekends away planned and they were fine about it. I said that I needed to think about it and would call them back. Came home because I really couldn't be bothered to go into work. Called in a sickie (told them I fainted after my blood test and the nurse told me to go home *lol*). Spoke to my mum, dad and bro about the M&S job and they all helped me make my mind up to take a chance and go for it. The times are a bit rubbish at the moment but I can improve on them when I've been there longer. It's weekends but again I'll cope, especially as it's only 4 days a week. Pay is crap (and 10 hours less pay a week) but the prospects of promotion are much better than where I am now. There is no travelling - just a 5 minute walk to work (save petrol and wear and tear on the car). I get a 20% staff discount card (that's the reason my mum wants me to take the job *lol*), pension, discounted staff canteen and lots of other benefits. Holidays are not as good for the first year but do improve. The thing that my mum and dad said that made me think most was they asked if I liked my current job. I said I wasn't too sure about it. They said they have never seen me pull 2 sickies in such a short space of time before, in fact I have NEVER pulled a sickie before the first time 2 weeks ago! Umm, that made me think - yep, it doesn't float my boat. So I took the bull by the horns and phoned back and accepted the job. I was moaning about the early starts but my brother said think of the summer and finishing at 3pm. I'll be home by ten past at the latest and will have long summer evenings to enjoy (besides I live between 2 beaches - is that an incentive to be slim or what!). Now that sounds good!

My biggest worry now is telling my work that I am leaving. Luckily I'm not in now till Tuesday so I can forget about it for the weekend and deal with it then. I'm on a three month trial so I don't have a contract - so leaving quickly shouldn't be a problem! She says hopefully!
 
Finally Part 3

Sorry for being boring by so much posting but it has been a busy day!

After deciding to pull a sickie I took a bit of a chance and went shopping with my mum for an outfit for the wedding. Trawled around Outfit and only found a crochet type cardi that will be smart enough to go over anything. Went on to Debenhams and showed my mum the skirt I tried on yesterday. Still couldn't find a top to go with it so I decided to leave it. I did find a lovely black and white skirt. It's mainly white with black square patterns on it. It's quite flared and sits perfectly without showing any lumps or bumps. I have plenty of black tops that will go with it and the crochet cardi top will be perfect! Hurrah! Went to BHS and had some lunch before going to Asdas as my mum needed some shopping. I got a few bits (mostly coffee and diet coke) because I'm not here until Monday night anyway! Making my brother and I pasta and sauce for tea tonight. First "proper" meal for ages! Looking forward to it!
 
Sarah - have just signed up on the link you added - thanks.

Really good news re the M&S job ..... does discount apply to us "friends" too??!!!!!!!

Hope the WW diet helps you and glad you found such a good counsellor.
 
What an eventful day... so pleased the counselling went well, the Counsellor sounds fab:)
Great news about the job too... I know you were much happier at M&S over Xmas than you have been at your current job... roll on those long summer evenings eh??!!:D
The wedding outfit sounds lovely.. great to get it sorted at last... now enjoy yor tea and look forward to a great weekend away... :)

Love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:)
 
Hi Westie, sorry been more of a lurker recently, but really happy to see things are working out for ya...lovely clothes, cool new offer for a job,,great social life for weekends to come...what more could ya ask for LOL...

cheers
 
Hi Sarah!

Really pleased to hear the counselling went well and you were open and honest - it's always good to talk honestly...:)

Glad to hear you got your outfit sorted too... always makes you feel better when you have something you are comfortable with..... :)

Great news about the job too..... sounds perfect..... I've and interview tomorrow and then it'll be a waiting game to see if I get offered that one or one I was interviewd for earlier in the week.... really need a job for my own self-esteem!

Have a lovely weekend..... enjoy yourself and relax..... glad you were OK with PM..... am looking forward to a good ole boogie at Flares too.... only 23 days to go....woo hoo...:D
Love
 
What a day, kidda!!!

Great news about the job!! I'm so pleased you took it - you'll be running the place in no time!!!

Your C's suggestion about the positive thoughts book is really good - I used to do a "Power Book" where I recorded every nice thing that happened to me -it helped to read it when I got low.

I rather think you might have turned a corner now, darling - don't you?

lots of love
 
Just a quickie, want to wish everyone a good weekend because I'm off to Edinburgh this morning.

TBH I feel really crap and have a mega headache. I'm feeling really fat and horrible. I want to look forward to it but I just can't get the enthusiasm. I tried on my outfit last night and my mum and dad said it looked lovely. I just couldn't see past the size 16 label on the skirt and how my belly sticks out!

Oh well, so sorry that this is a downer of a post for a Friday morning. I'm sure I'll have a good time when I get there.

Have a lovely weekend everyone, and I'll catch up with you all next week.
 
YAAY, I'm so pleased for you. Congratulations on the new job! M&S are supposed to be a great employer.

Also, I'm impressed with how brave you were opening up in the counselling. It takes guts to cross the line and say - actually this what it's really about. But now you've got the help of the counsellor properly working for you.

Have a fab time in Edinburgh - remember to take warm clothes. It's freezing in Aberdeen.
 
Oi, lady - how was your weekend?

I really hope you had a fabbo time, hun!

Check in soon and tell us all about it!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Friday 2nd March 2007

I apologise in advance because there is quite a bit to write, so anyone feel free to skip parts of this weekend. I am going to try and condense it as much as possible.

Friday was a long day and I felt rubbish the whole day. I was really dreading the weekend and tbh it was expressed in the constant eating of food, all day, non stop, in front of my mum and behind her back (when she snuck off for a fag!). I suppose with both have our own vices!

The journey was quite protracted due to having to change at Warrington, then get on a bus at Preston (due to last weeks train derailment) to Carlisle, then back on a train to Edinburgh.

Then we got a taxi to the hotel which was a Travelodge. It was very basic and clean but seriously lacking in facilities. The only restaurant was a Little Chef that didn't have a drinks licence. Mum and I had to go the attached petrol station and buy a bottle of wine *lol*.

Had a nice meal and believe me I didn't hold back. Went back to the hotel room and just read and watched TV with my mum. Went to bed and couldn't sleep worrying about the wedding and feeling rubbish on myself for not being able to get past my issues without stuffing my face!
 
Saturday 3rd March 2007

Woke up nice and early but lay in bed for a bit just thinking. Couldn't get up and move around because my mum was still asleep. Now I know where I inherited my snoring from *lol*.

Had breakfast (yep - full fry up :( but I enjoyed it!) then went to the Fort, a local retail park and had a wander around the shops. Both Mum and I ended up modifying our wedding outfits. She bought a new skirt and jacket (pretty much a full change of outfit) and I bought a new top and cardi. They went much better with my skirt, also got some matching jewellery so I felt much better and much happier with the whole look.

Came back to the hotel and got ready. Felt quite anxious, not because of the outfit, but because of 2 huge spots, one on my nose and one on my chin. They were like huge boils! Stress or hormones? Typical!

We took a taxi to the church and all our friends had just arrived in a coach and everyone looked fabulous. It was fantastic to see everyone and tbh I knew I was being silly beforehand and I was right - looks just paled into the background. It was about celebrating the day, seeing the bride and groom looking gorgeous and being happy and friends being together. Am I really that shallow that I thought it would all be about me?!? Although I am shallow enough to enjoy the compliments I did get and the comment "ooh you look so good and well done keeping the weight off" :p oh how little they know what a good outfit can disguise!

The service was lovely, quite informal and the church was lovely. The bride and groom looked nervous as they exchanged vows but it all went without a hitch. There was a lovely poem read out by the chief bridesmaid - the brides 10 year old sister. She was fantastic! No nerves at all for someone so young. She's as bright as a button - she's gonna go far! After the service (and the photos in the blummin cold scottish weather!) we were taken by coach to a local hotel for the reception. Had a drink in the bar as the room wasn't set up for the meal yet. Had the meal at 4.30pm so I was glad I had a big breakfast to keep me going until then! The meal was lovely and the speeches were excellent - no boring 30 minute monologues, thank goodness. Another trip to the bar whilst they set up the room for the evening. Had a great time dancing but tbh I felt quite lonely. My mum and her pals were all smokers and because of the smoking ban in scotland they spent a lot of time outside smoking. That left me on my own a lot. I didn't have anyone my own age and spent quite a bit of time being the lonely spinster who dances with the kiddies because she has no one else to dance with :(. The 2 kids I was dancing with (the chief bridesmaid again and her cousin) were fantastic dancers and probably gave me the best run for my money on the dance floor! The only low point of dancing with a 10 year old boy though is that doing the gay gordons is quite difficult with such a height difference! I guess weddings are traditionally filled with couples and that just emphasised how alone I felt. My invite said "Sarah and Partner" and I brought my mum *lol*. She was quite happy but I just made friends with Mr JD! Don't worry, I was sensible and didn't get drunk - too maudlin for that! The only other person I did know was my ex driving instructor. He was an usher and his brother was the best man. We had a nice chat and he said the last time I saw you you cut me up at a junction! If anyone remembers, I did record it in my diary on DH last year but I was mortified that he remembered! Last year when I was learning to drive I really really fancied him (until I discovered he was happily married that is). On Saturday I didn't rate him much at all and my conclusion is that I am broken! J was really quiet on Saturday and didn't reply to my texts. I was quite put out and hurt that he was ignoring me. FFS I don't even fancy him. Felt awful because that is just wanting to have my cake and eat it! I can't have it both ways can I? There I go again putting my self esteem in the hands of someone else. I just don't seem to like the guys that I meet in person at all! I am trying to work out whether it is because they are not that great or whether I am still not ready. Umm, what if Mr Right is under my nose and I dismiss him because I am too scared to commit? I'll think about that later!

The party finished at 1am and mum and I got a taxi back to the hotel. We sat up and had a cup of tea and chatted. My phone beeped and it was a text from Mr Pirate (at 1.30am so he was probably drunk) asking how my weekend was and if I fancied going out to watch the footie on Tuesday night. Now that sounds like my kind of date! Said yes, as I will see if he is a bit more lively this time. He did text me in the morning too though (a very nice text) so I hope he wasn't drunk then!

Fell into bed exhausted and slept like a log which was good because my mum was snoring again!
 
Back
Top