It's a long hard slog this management malarkey! It's surprising how long it takes to unravel all the years of thinking of things in terms of 'good' or 'bad' or 'allowed' or 'not allowed'. It wasn't until after management, when there were no rules to follow anymore, that I started to realise just how strict and rule-bound I was with myself and it's getting more and more apparent to me now how much those rules led to my weight gain in the first place.
In theory now I can say that I do not deny myself anything. If I want it I will have it or I know it will lead to a binge later if I don't allow myself in the first place. But sometimes it still leads to a binge anyway, and it's not until a day or a few days later that I realise that I was bingeing with the view that I would allow myself to do it that day, but not the day after or so on. So, even just the thought that I will not be allowing myself something tomorrow, or the next day, or so on could very well lead to a binge today. It's so difficult to unravel this ingrained way of thinking but I do believe I'm getting there.
It's such a liberating feeling knowing that I can have anything I want, anytime I want and now that I've truly truly started living that, I am able to have what I want but not binge on it. Why binge if you really can have it every day for ever and ever and ever. You don't need to binge if it's not off limits! I never thought I'd see the day I could just have two biscuits and say I'm completely satisfied but gradually that new pattern is emerging.
I've stayed stable at 9st4lbs for about two weeks now. I'm still a size 10. AND I've eaten chocolate, crisps, biscuits, all sorts of cakes, dairy and pastry, bread, butter, pasta and had some alcohol too - you name it, I can now manage it. I'm also enjoying gorgeous fruit smoothies almost every day made from fresh fruit, soya milk, nuts and seeds and soya yogurt, fresh salads, lovely stews full of thousands of veg and lentils or beans, baked potatoes and sweet potatoes.
The most interesting thing is that I can't remember the last time I stuffed myself so much on anything 'good' or 'bad' that I've ended up feeling bloated, queasy and sick. Knowing that nothing is off limits now means that I enjoy everything until I'm satisfied, which is normally a few mouthfuls, and then I actually feel really ok about saying 'I've had enough now, more would make me feel sick and then I wouldn't still be happy. I want to stay happy and satisfied so that means I don't want any more'.
Anway, just wanted to get that off my chest. I haven't sat down and had a re-coup of my thoughts, achievements or how far I've come in a while. That felt good.
With regard to my toned arms - yes, I go to the gym. But the great thing is that I really don't work all that hard at it at all. I do the toning machines but I do the lightest, or second lightest weights on everything and hardly even work up a sweat. That was also something I had to re-learn - not to punish myself at the gym because of overeating. I wanted to make the gym very easy and very enjoyable so that I would keep going back. And it's worked. I can't believe that I got such good results on my shoulders and arms from lifting nothing much heavier than air!!!
