ProPoints 100lbs to lose - Carriegirl21's Diary

[MrsLmc]

Hey Carrie, great to see you back. Sorry I don't be on here so much anymore. I tend to be on MFP every day though. I can't seem to find you there so maybe you could have a look for me there...I'm Laurarun on it.

You seem to be doing well keeping on track, so sorry to hear about your health problems, I hope you feel well soon x

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Hey honey, how's your weekend been going? I know it's so tough to stick to the calories when there are so many delicious things or they are in our faces all the time. You will persevere though, you were right to think "I'll save it for a proper treat another time"... proud of you for that!
I've eaten a bit much again this weekend but I went for a 5 mile run this morning and that should undo some of the damage lol x

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[Carriegirl21]

So nice to have you back with us

Noticed activity on your diary couple of days ago but didn't get around to checking it out as had a busy few days.
So the move to Canada came off then how exciting !!!
Sorry to hear you been a little poorly since you got there,hope things are better now.

Gosh them doughnut holes sound like just the kind of things I would love to eat.

Noticed you popped by my diary, it's a new one deleted my other one as was too depressing lol have lost no weight for a long time now,quit sw tried ww but was too hungry then I invested in these things called slim pods that I'm listening to,which are meant to change our relationship with food and deal with all the emotional stuff !!!

Anyways look forward to hearing all about your new life in Canada xxxxxxxx

Ooh I'm intrigued by whst slim-pods are!
My food issues are totally ruled by emotions, I need to sort it out! x

Hey Carrie, great to see you back. Sorry I don't be on here so much anymore. I tend to be on MFP every day though. I can't seem to find you there so maybe you could have a look for me there...I'm Laurarun on it.

You seem to be doing well keeping on track, so sorry to hear about your health problems, I hope you feel well soon x

Thanks hun, I'm a long way off from feeling better but try & keep hoping that someday I will x

Hey honey, how's your weekend been going? I know it's so tough to stick to the calories when there are so many delicious things or they are in our faces all the time. You will persevere though, you were right to think "I'll save it for a proper treat another time"... proud of you for that!
I've eaten a bit much again this weekend but I went for a 5 mile run this morning and that should undo some of the damage lol x

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

My weekend has turned into a straight-up nightmare! I wish I could have done some exercise to offset the (pretty minor compared to what I wanted) damage I did today

I'm soooooooo p**sed off with my knee-jerk reaction to any stress being - "must fill face right now!"
It's a v.v.v.stressful time right now & things just keep going wrong! On top of everything today we learnt our landlord wants to sell out flat O.M.G.
I can't handle moving again so soon :'(
We never get to stay in a place long enough for it to feel like home

As if that's not going to make you want to do some stress eating!!
I had a major battle with myself today - basically spent the whole day trying not to binge even though OH was hoovering up everything not nailed down - see? Even he reacted to the stress by eating & he has no food issues! Instead of just going with it & thinking "extenuating circumstances" I gritted my teeth & refused to give in to the urge - this resulted in me being the stropiest, moodiest, mood swinging irritated ladyface ever! I just kept snapping at OH & then crying... Like a child not getting what it wants.
I found the whole day painful & even picked up cakes at the grocery store to satisfy the beast! Still didn't eat them when we got home - kept whinging about how I would have to write them down in MFP & then it would tell me off lol!

Writing this down makes me realise I owe OH an apology oops

I kept resisting till midnight & then I just caved - had 2 smallish pecan maple danish pastries & a small bowl of corn chips.
That was it.
That's what I'd been making myself miserable over all day.
Feel so silly now.
Although once I'd eaten those it triggered me really badly to want to eat sooooo much... I honestly don't know how I stopped myself there - I just kept crying & saying I wanted to binge really badly but knew that I couldn't stand the guilt that would come afterwards.

I'm dissapointed because I've only been tracking my food for 5 days & I'm already having such issues.
I'm so desperate to stick with it & lose some weight but I hate being miserable & having such negativity towards food.
I know I have to get some help but right now I don't want to just sit back & do nothing while I wait to get help - otherwise I will just get bigger & bigger & even more miserable.

Sorry for the depressing post.

Positives:

1. I did show some behavioural changes by tollerating the urges for many hours before finally letting go.

2. I still cooked a healthy dinner even though I wanted to just eat cake & crisps instead - I don't want to fall into the trap of "if I just skip dinner I can have this cake instead" - it just doesn't sound like a healthy way of dealing with things for me.

3.............. This is a hard one, today was so bad!...... Oh! I turned down booze as a way to calm my stress - I would have loved a beer but I knew I'd rather have cake today if I had anything!

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Do NOT take this the wrong way but I think you need to see a psychologist about your food issues. Some of what you're saying sounds very familiar in myself and I'm currently going through some therapy for it (can't say how useful it is yet as I only started 2 weeks ago). It might help??

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[breeza]

Aww hugs hun, but I think the majority of us on here have damaging relationships with food and that's why every day is a battle.
You did have a little breakthrough tho as you had the control to stop the full on binge last night even tho it reduced you to tears so that should be celebrated
I have struggled for so long to get back on track and honestly thought I was going to end up having a breakdown, the constant battle in my head over food every minute of every day was just exhausting.
I am trying these slim pods now and not following any diet plan so no food is banned,I am finally getting some peace from the battle in my head and just listening to what my body wants. It's a long process but tbh I've been on and off the diet wagon for the past 20 odd years and never really got to my final destination so if this changes my relationship with food and sorts the emotional stuff out I dont mind how long it takes.
Hope today has been better xxxxxxxxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Do NOT take this the wrong way but I think you need to see a psychologist about your food issues. Some of what you're saying sounds very familiar in myself and I'm currently going through some therapy for it (can't say how useful it is yet as I only started 2 weeks ago). It might help??

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

I already had some cbt for my food issues but then I moved & haven't been able to afford it on top of my therapy for Anxiety totally sucks because I NEED to get help with this grr
What kind of therapy are you having? (tell me too bog off if that's a too personal question!) I'm just interested if it's cbt or regular psychotherapy
X

Aww hugs hun, but I think the majority of us on here have damaging relationships with food and that's why every day is a battle.
You did have a little breakthrough tho as you had the control to stop the full on binge last night even tho it reduced you to tears so that should be celebrated
I have struggled for so long to get back on track and honestly thought I was going to end up having a breakdown, the constant battle in my head over food every minute of every day was just exhausting.
I am trying these slim pods now and not following any diet plan so no food is banned,I am finally getting some peace from the battle in my head and just listening to what my body wants. It's a long process but tbh I've been on and off the diet wagon for the past 20 odd years and never really got to my final destination so if this changes my relationship with food and sorts the emotional stuff out I dont mind how long it takes.
Hope today has been better xxxxxxxxx

Thanks for the hugs
These slimpods sound good - kinda like home-therapy!
I wish I coukd afford to get therapy - you don't get it covered here even with the insurance we have :'(
CGx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Weigh-in week 1!
So I weighed after 5 days as my lady-Doom is due this week so I won't want to weigh-in then!
I lost 2.6lbs
I know most people have a huge loss on there first week but I've never had that - anything over 2lbs is a big loss for me. I do get a little demotivated if I compare my losses to other people but I've learned my body just does not drop weight in big chunks so there really is no point in comparing myself to others!
We each have our own bodies & mine seems to have become very attatched to my excess weight so I have to coax it off gently

Yesterday was a good day
I did a 45minute work-out on the x-box Kinect with 'your shape 2012' & I was exhausted!! Also went for a mini walk & came in under my calorie allowance for the day - I was so tired I didn't even snack at night - no choc, didn't even want it!
It's so bizzare how different your cravings are from one day to the next!

CGxx

 

[breeza]

Woohooo well done on your loss that's a great start

Shame therapy isn't covered by your health insurance.
The slim pods are cbt based,check out the website thinkingslimmer if you are interested or even just curious as I was to begin with,I read about them for months before I bought them I bought a package of 3 which with a discount code worked out at £36.

Hope you have a good day tom xxxxxxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Woohooo well done on your loss that's a great start

Shame therapy isn't covered by your health insurance.
The slim pods are cbt based,check out the website thinkingslimmer if you are interested or even just curious as I was to begin with,I read about them for months before I bought them I bought a package of 3 which with a discount code worked out at £36.

Hope you have a good day tom xxxxxxx

Thanks for the info, I will check out that website, I'm glad to hear they are helping you
CGxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Today was pretty bad.
I went over my mfp calorie allowance but I'm trying not to feel guilty about it & think 'one day will not ruin everything' - I've got to learn to accept that every day will not & cannot be 'perfect' food-wise.
I need to not get too obsessed by the numbers otherwise I will end up having a bad day & then think it's all ruined & go back to eating how I was.
I want to be able to get past those days & KEEP TRYING. The only reason no other eating plan or diet has worked for me is because I stopped trying. Almost every single time it followed the same pattern of getting sick or ill in some way, turning to food for comfort & then never going back to the plan as I was to ashamed of what I had done.
I really wish & hope that this time, no matter how many 'bad' food days I have, that I will be able to just keep going - even if I lose the plot for a week - if I get back on track & just keep trying at least I will have broken one of my unhelpful behaviours - giving up.

Positives:

1. I entered all my 'extra' food that was over my allowance into my MFP diary - instead of the weirdly tempting option of just ignoring that I'd consumed extra calories & keeping my mfp graph all 'perfect' - I mean - am I scared of a phone app?! I think not So in went my extra munchies & It means I am making myself accountable for my choices - what's the point in lying to yourself? Or a flipping phone app?!!
*Your body will know the truth either way!*

2. Oh no! I can't think of even 2! I had a really bad day..... I wanted to get take-out but didn't & still cooked.

3. I made some social plans - I have major anxiety anyway but when you throw in social anxiety too then even the calmest sounding meet-up seems terrifying! But I plan to go through with it, fingers crossed I can find the strength.

CGxx

 

[azwethinkweiz]

I already had some cbt for my food issues but then I moved & haven't been able to afford it on top of my therapy for Anxiety totally sucks because I NEED to get help with this grr
What kind of therapy are you having? (tell me too bog off if that's a too personal question!) I'm just interested if it's cbt or regular psychotherapy
X



Thanks for the hugs
These slimpods sound good - kinda like home-therapy!
I wish I coukd afford to get therapy - you don't get it covered here even with the insurance we have :'(
CGx

I think you should get some books even on it. I have Overcoming Depressing using CBT and I also having Overcoming Low Self Esteem. Both of these have some good exercises in them (not physical exercise, mental ones lol). You are having therapy for anxiety but aren't you anxious about food? Isn't that another thing that can cause you anxiety? If so, you could mention it to your therapist and see if they can do anything to address the problem.

I'm seeing a psychologist for depression, anxiety and low self esteem (and apparently I have food/weight issues but I think that's just a part of my low self esteem). Nah I wouldn't tell you to bog off hon - I'm being fairly open to people about it because I want to encourage others to seek help and not suffer on in silence like I have for years. Plus, you have anxiety too so I think you would be understanding and not cruel to me about it xx

I have heard the slim pods are good. There are lots of different "pods" I think -Loving Life home page
Thinking Slimmer Slimpod lasting easy weight loss, no need to diet

 

[breeza]

Evening

Hope you have had a good day and managed to make good food choices xxxxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

I think you should get some books even on it. I have Overcoming Depressing using CBT and I also having Overcoming Low Self Esteem. Both of these have some good exercises in them (not physical exercise, mental ones lol). You are having therapy for anxiety but aren't you anxious about food? Isn't that another thing that can cause you anxiety? If so, you could mention it to your therapist and see if they can do anything to address the problem.

I'm seeing a psychologist for depression, anxiety and low self esteem (and apparently I have food/weight issues but I think that's just a part of my low self esteem). Nah I wouldn't tell you to bog off hon - I'm being fairly open to people about it because I want to encourage others to seek help and not suffer on in silence like I have for years. Plus, you have anxiety too so I think you would be understanding and not cruel to me about it xx

I have heard the slim pods are good. There are lots of different "pods" I think -Loving Life home page
Thinking Slimmer Slimpod lasting easy weight loss, no need to diet

Lol I have a few of the 'Dummies' books - self esteem, cbt, anxiety & cbt workbook! I have loads of self-help books but I find them difficult to use alone - yes food plays into my anxiety hugely but I've also used it as a way to cope with anxiety & depression for years (which is what I want to change)
For now I have to concentrate on my agoraphobia & panic/anxiety issues - I already brought up my food issues with the therapist but in cbt they like to concentrate on one problem at at time (sure you've come up against that also) but I was talking to another nurse who visits me yesterday & she said she could see if there are any eating-issues programs I can be put on a waiting list for - which would be covered by the health service so that would be awesome
Thanks for sharing - it's good to get it all out in the open
CGxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Evening

Hope you have had a good day and managed to make good food choices xxxxx

Thanks Breeza
Not having a good few days but haven't gone overboard with the food which is a step in the right direction
CGxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Just a quicky - must get to sleep! (it's 3.30am - insomnia central)

Today I realised I've tracked my food with My fitness pal for 8 days straight - I'm really chuffed!
I can't believe I've completed a whole week of being accountable for what I eat & not 'fibbing' on it once & leaving off snacks etc

*pats self on back like therapist says to do* hehe!

I'm noticing my power is growing at night to stop myself from snacking more than I plan to - nighttime is my 'danger zone' for bingeing - If I'm hungry I have a snack & then I ALWAYS want more but something inside my head is managing to say NO! I wish I could keep this strength with me every time I feel a binge coming on... Well it's still an improvement

Positives:

1. Had pizza last night but only ate 2 slices instead of 4 - tracked it all & still stayed within my allowance!

2. Had a really depressed motionless day followed my a harrowing therapy session - then somehow came home & made jacket potatoes & salad for dinner & didn't binge!

3. Tracked my 8th day on MFP & stayed within allowance

Yay, rare happy moment after a day full of tears! (honestly I don't know how I'm not dehydrated half the time)

CGxx

 

[breeza]

Just a quicky - must get to sleep! (it's 3.30am - insomnia central)

Today I realised I've tracked my food with My fitness pal for 8 days straight - I'm really chuffed!
I can't believe I've completed a whole week of being accountable for what I eat & not 'fibbing' on it once & leaving off snacks etc

*pats self on back like therapist says to do* hehe!

I'm noticing my power is growing at night to stop myself from snacking more than I plan to - nighttime is my 'danger zone' for bingeing - If I'm hungry I have a snack & then I ALWAYS want more but something inside my head is managing to say NO! I wish I could keep this strength with me every time I feel a binge coming on... Well it's still an improvement

Positives:

1. Had pizza last night but only ate 2 slices instead of 4 - tracked it all & still stayed within my allowance!

2. Had a really depressed motionless day followed my a harrowing therapy session - then somehow came home & made jacket potatoes & salad for dinner & didn't binge!

3. Tracked my 8th day on MFP & stayed within allowance

Yay, rare happy moment after a day full of tears! (honestly I don't know how I'm not dehydrated half the time)

CGxx

And have a "pat" on your back from me too

It's so hard to keep on track so doing 8 days in a row is brill well done you !!
Take it one day at a time and I am sure you will get there one day.
Hope you have had a tear free day xxxxx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Thanks Breeza!

Phew! Took me ages to catch up on all the posts on here
Hope you all had great weekends, mine was a weird one!

Firstly - I went to a big social drinks thing on Friday - I don't know how I did it I realky don't! I was stuck to OH like glue the whole time but it was nice to do something normal even though I felt nervous the whole time.
It upsets me so much to think what Anxiety & panic have taken away from me - I hope I can one day be able to feel even slightly normal in these situations :'( :'(

I've done ok food -wise, I complete my MFP diary evey day & I never lie to it or leave stuff off
I went over my allowance by a few hundred over the weekend but It was with 'real food' & no bingeing which means a lot less guilt.

I'm so exhausted all the time, I hate it! (Recently found out I have the most extreme case of non-anemic iron deficiancy so I'm hoping that will explain the chronic fatigue once & for all)

Positives!

1. I went out out. To see people. In a bar. And didn't die of panic.

2. I didn't have take-out all weekend even though it meant I had to cook whilst exhausted with about as much serenity & grace as a bull in a china shop (I really dislike cooking when I'm tired, which is always raaaah! Wish OH was a chef! )

3. I've been doing my CBT exposure therapy exercises every day without fail - I REALLY want to feel better - this means I need to work as hard as I can!

4. Oh! A cheeky extra fourth! I was planning on having some chocolate tonight but I've spent so long engrossed in Minimins that the craving has disappeared & I'm now off to bed (3.30am here - not quite as bad as the time stamp may have you think!)

CGxx

Positives

Sent from my HTC Sensation XL using MiniMins

Sent from my HTC Sensation XL using MiniMins

 

[Carriegirl21]

What a day.

I weighed-in & my idiot scales that weigh different every time you step on then, even though they are new & weren't cheap!... Said I'd put on 1/2 a pound! It's only my 2nd week

I've been 100% all week & more active so I call nonsense on my body & the scales!

I will be totally honest - I wasn't even going to post about this gain but what's the point in hiding it?
I was LIVID.
So much anger & confusion which quickly turned to self loathing... Which ended up with me eating a Lemon cupcake straight after breakfast.
Why?
Why sickly lemon cupcake? Why were you even in my fridge?!
I felt disgusting afterwards - my knee-jerk reaction is that of a petulant toddler. A gain doesn't make me think "must try harder & keep at it"... A gain sends me straight to the fridge!
VERY frustrating! I couldn't stop myself but thankfully after 30 minutes of feeling sick I decided the best thing to do was throw the last 2 cupcakes left in the box in the trash. Now - I hate wasting food but this was an act of defiance - I needed to make a point to myself - my sucess is worth more than the price of 2 cupcakes. I knew if I kept them I would probably eat them out of anget so Off the went down the chute!

After that I was mad all day but I did an x-box kinect work-out, did my cbt exposure therapy (short outdoor walk alone) got on with the cleaning & tried to ignore all the negative chatter in my head willing me to binge.

It's so strange how your mindset can change so dramatically from one day to the next.
Yesterday I was on the ball food wise & felt positive about it.
Today that gain sent me straight into binge-town & all the horror that comes with it.

I ended up getting so worked up with anxiety that I thought I was going to panic so in the end I gave in to food again - but not a huge amount, just 250cals over my daily allowance - but it's more than just the calories to me now - I want to know the reason I find such relief & comfort in food when all I feel is stress around it.

I hope I can carry on tomorrow on plan & not go down the 'I've blown it' route - cos lets face it - that only leads to one place & it's the opposite of where I want to go.

Positives:

1. Got rid of binge-worthy food before I demolished all of it.

2. Did a work-out & a walk even in my negative state.

3. Ate the rest of my 'extra' food in front of OH watching tv & did not keep it secret.

Hoping for a better tomorrow
CGxx

Sent from my HTC Sensation XL using MiniMins

 

[Splodgergill]

Hi,

Glad to see those positives at the end of your post. I did similar a few days ago, ate 3 pieces of carrot cake one after the other- I mean, WHY???

Hope you can get back on that positive track and move forwards.

 

[breeza]

Well done on finding some positives
Sometimes that's the hardest thing when we have a bad day.
Keep at it you will get there !!
Hope you have managed to keep on track today and not followed the "I've blown it route" xxxxxx