Can I vent a little about well meaning parents?

[Medusa]

Well here I am 9 weeks in and 21lb down, wearing smaller clothes and feeling - well if not particularly svelte - then definitely less rotund than before.

I must admit I dithered about telling my parents I was going to SW but I did and in all fairness they have been very supportive. A little too supportive truth told. I am beginning to dread my Thursday night text from mum and my Friday phone call from dad to find out "how you've done".

Added to that they have very fixed views about what constitutes a "diet" (both are in their 70's) and if I seem to be eating anything they deem fattening (pasta/potatoes etc) are likely to tell friends loudly in my presence "Well we tried to stop her eating all that..." When I report another loss it appears I must have been lucky or starving myself when they are not around.

They have even told other relatives I'm "on a diet" and some of them have posted on my FB wall to ask how much I've lost and how it's going. Which is sweet of them but not information I'm really happy to have out there so to speak.

Last night we were asked to supper and arrived to find an Indian takeaway - the works - followed by mum's home made bread pudding (made with hot cross buns). I piled my plate with boiled rice and had the minimum of lamb jalfreizi (OK, I had a teaspoon of the bread pudding too ). But it left mum a bit huffy that I'd not appreciated what she'd "prepared". Ironically she'd made my lanky teenage son what she told me later were SW chips and pork steak when he adores chicken korma.

Don't get me wrong I love them dearly, even though they often drive me up the wall. But their well meaning support is beginning to ... well ... grind me down and I can't see how I can persuade them to tone it down.

There. Vent over.

 

[cherry-pie]

Hi Medusa, No advice for you sorry - although hope you feel better for getting it all off your chest! Luckily my mum understands SW having done it herself, but my OHs mum sounds more similar to yours and it is really really irritating - both the disapproving looks when you have a plateful of free food to the trying to press cream cakes upon you instead!
I really think thats its a case of let it go over your head, keep at it, keep loosing and the proof will be in the results which they'll be able to clearly see for themselves.

(BTW, where near Cardiff are you if you don't mind me asking? I grew up near castell coch, although further up the valleys these days!)

xxx

 

[fayhamy]

Im right there with you!! My parents are both in 70s too my MUm is a size 10 at a push , my dad larger but at 6 5" can 'carry his weight' even though i have weighed heavier that him! They thinhk nothing less of feeding my kids up but when i was growing up if i ate 1 extra biscuit i was ridiculed for weeks!!!

I understand your guilt at your rant as i also feel incredibly guilty for criticising my parents, especially when they ring first thing on wed morning to see how its going but I cant help feeling there a bit too blame too.............."stands back and waits for indignant shouting"!!

 

[Medusa]

...both the disapproving looks when you have a plateful of free food to the trying to press cream cakes upon you instead!

(BTW, where near Cardiff are you if you don't mind me asking? I grew up near castell coch, although further up the valleys these days!)

xxx

That's it exactly cherry-pie (actually that's what she offered me as an alternative to her bread pudding last night!!) - you can't win if you are seen eating a plateful of syn free spag bol and can't win if you refuse the Greggs belgian bun she bought "specially". Gah!

I'm in Llantrisant actually - "the hole with the Mint" - actually it's not that bad. I've lived in or near Cardiff since I was 22 but have yet to visit Castell Coch. How bad is that?

 

[Medusa]

I hesitated so much about posting fayhamy as I know I am incredibly lucky to have two fantastic parents in most respects.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum as she had with her own. As a child I was very slight. When I hit 12 I developed slight puppy fat and that was a constant cause for comment. It was gone by the time I was 15 but no-one told me so I've always thought of myself as fat even when I've been "normal".

I've told my father off twice when he's told my daughter and niece (both 14 yo) they've become "big lumps" of girls. Niece is tall but thin as a reed and my daughter is a short size 4. I know he doesn't mean any harm but these days you have to be so careful don't you? Luckily daughter eats like a small navvy.

 

[ColJack]

I might get some cards printed up so that I can hand them out to people who pass comment on the food I'm eating or try and "force feed" me stuff I don't want..
something explaining roughly the SW "diet" on one side and something expressing my views that it's my body and what I put or don't put into it is MY choice and should not be taken as any kind of slight or knock to the person who is offering the food.

 

[cherry-pie]

I'm in Llantrisant actually - "the hole with the Mint" - actually it's not that bad. I've lived in or near Cardiff since I was 22 but have yet to visit Castell Coch. How bad is that? [/QUOTE]

Treat yourself to a visit - its so gorgeous, like stepping back into another world (and if you go for a walk around the woods you can burn some serious calories too on the huge steep hills its set in!!)

Meawhile, good luck with mum & dad!!!

 

[Clareel]

Honestly guys I don't mean to bring the mood down but just my personal experience - my mum used to do my head in regarding my diet making little comments etc but she passed away in October and I'd give anything to have her here making those little comments again!

Just saying your parents want what's best for you and yes maybe they do annoy you but think of all the times you annoyed them as a teen etc and it all balences out!

 

[mia_queenbee]

im sorry for your loss Clareel hun i think everyone would feel same in your shoes.

have to add my moan about inlaws though, perfectlay happy to point out me getting fat but dont say a dicky bird when im 2 dress sizes smaller and can see a big difference. after id given birth to my son now 3 i put more weight on, being lazy getting takeaways and exhausted showed in my weight gain. well my father in law said to me "are you putting more weight on?" son was onyl 3 month at time but i just got up and sobbed me heart out in bathroom
xx

 

[puttingontheritz]

Strangely enough I was just thinking about this today. I've only just started SW again last Sunday and haven't told anybody yet.

Last time I did it I was 17 and I went with my mum, who's always been EXTREMELY self conscious about her weight. I love her but its a really raw subject for her. She thinks shes the size of a whale (which she's not, she's less overweight than I am) and in her desperation for me not to feel the same way about myself she's accidentally done exactly the opposite and I am really quite self-loathing . My other parent is a skinny min and lives off chocolate and sweets and doesn't gain anything (which doesn't help my mum's mood ).

I don't think I'll tell them because my mum will 1) get over-supportive, like you mentioned, and texts about how I'm doing, disappointment when I gain (which I could do without) 2) get irritated when I don't eat things she is (she'll take it as me personally attacking her weight) and 3) get down because she thinks she's turned me into her, a serial dieter with a horrible self image

But yeh, I really do love her and I will tell her eventually, just not until I'm past the point I feel her "help" may do more harm to my losses .

 

[Slimandtoned]

A lot of this is ringing home with me too - think we all have some annoyances with comments during our childhood but I try to forget it now as it was a chip on my shoulder for many years and it did me no good as I kind of used it as an excuse to get bigger, only hurting myself in the process...

The hardest thing I find with parents is the word no. Both my own parents and also my OH's parents. During visits, the word no seems to be the most common one I say - to desserts, biscuits, sandwiches, homemade bread etc. What kills me is when someone refuses to take no for an answer and insists I eat what I'm given. Happened me once already this week and it meant I lost out on having the treat I really wanted and had to use my Pro Points for what was forced onto me instead. All that did was make me decide to reduce my visits there - extreme but necessary.....! I want to be smaller too badly to fail because of this - probably you think I should tell them I'm on the plan but they'll only fuss more and I don't want them analysing me every time I visit to see if there is less of me!!!

 

[ColJack]

I still don't see how someone can MAKE you eat something you DON'T want to..
do they physically strap you down and force feed it to you? no...

you don't want to feel crappy because you upset them by leaving something that they've given you, but you feel crappy about eating it anyway so what to you is the lesser of the crappy feelings?
only one option will cause you physical "harm", and being liked by everyone can never feel as good as being happy with your own self...

 

[Medusa]

Honestly guys I don't mean to bring the mood down but just my personal experience - my mum used to do my head in regarding my diet making little comments etc but she passed away in October and I'd give anything to have her here making those little comments again!

Just saying your parents want what's best for you and yes maybe they do annoy you but think of all the times you annoyed them as a teen etc and it all balences out!

I am so sorry for your loss Clareel. That's why I hesitated about even posting my gripes.

 

[Medusa]

I still don't see how someone can MAKE you eat something you DON'T want to..

You've not met my mum then ColJack?

No, one does not get pinned down but trust me - the long term consequences are dire for anyone who challenges her will. And when you rely very much on your parents for so many things where the children are concerned (school holiday cover/dental appointments/illness cover etc) and they are your only support network offending her is not an option.

It took 2 years hard work to get her to accept my brother's new partner (they are now bezzie mates thank goodness) but she had this idea my brother should not see anyone else even months after his divorce when he had 2 daughters he should be focused on. Is it any wonder I've been single for almost a decade?

 

[judimac]

I think the problem is that parents see food and loading you up with it as "love". I know that my mother did this, it stemmed from the war and giving someone your ration was seen as an act of love.
And yes we should say no, but we're conditioned to accept what we really don't want to eat to avoid upsetting folk.Sometimes it's just "easier" and staves off confrontation.

 

[Stackhead]

I have this problem too... except I still live at home.

What I get (from my Dad) is you can't just eat as much of this stuff as you like it's time to start weighing out your portions' and 'there's no way you can eat that' and 'this diet is bloody rubbish - it doesn't make sense'
To all I simply respond with, are you doing it? Am I asking YOU to do it? and I don't have to understand why it works for it to work. So shush now.

I've also banned the words 'good luck' when I leave for group and your not allowed to ask my 'How did it go' when I get back - you have to wait for me to volunteer the information.

xx

 

[fayhamy]

I still don't see how someone can MAKE you eat something you DON'T want to..
do they physically strap you down and force feed it to you? no...

you don't want to feel crappy because you upset them by leaving something that they've given you, but you feel crappy about eating it anyway so what to you is the lesser of the crappy feelings?
only one option will cause you physical "harm", and being liked by everyone can never feel as good as being happy with your own self...

No one has ever 'forced' me to eat anything i got fat all by myself. That being said i dont think it is fair to underestimate the power of emotional eating, as the influence of this can be incredibly far reaching whther by well meaning parents/friends/whatever.

I would be nothing without my parents and I would never deprive my kids from their grandparents, that being said i can attribute some of my overeating to an overly emotional response to what has been said to me by them however well meant.


Therefore what i wanted to reiterate that although not tied down to be force fed an emotional response to eating and indeed, not eating, is as just as powerful.

 

[Mel-hugz]

My mum and dad think im just doing a 'diet' tried to explain to my dad today about syns he just looked blank. They know im trying to loose weight but they still buy nice food and leave it out everywhere!!! My mum bought my daughter a pack of croissants instead of 1 and a pack of 12 muffins....what 1 year old would eat all that! then she said you can have one cant you their not that bad..sneaky! I've been doing well all week I see them saturday and sunday and ive had half a cheese and onion sandwich and choci spread on toast i will blame them for lack of weight loss haha!

You just cant say no to them!

 

[Medusa]

Mel

My 2 are teenagers and yet mum still brings chocolates and cakes and stuff for them when they visit. As if they don't have any of that in the house anyway!

When I was a child I always had to finish what was on my plate. Didn't matter if I was full or if it was the kidney beans I loathed. Waste was wrong. I appreciate they grew up with rationing - like judimac's parents - and understand where they come from yet I still find myself forcing food down when really I'm full. It's almost subconscious. I have to be very aware when I'm eating and I've been so careful not to have my two carry on eating when they are full.

 

[RegField]

I read an article recently which said that much of the problem of overeating in this country can be traced back to the rationing during the war, and the reaction to food becoming available afterwards.

Even if you are too young to remember that, your parents and/or grandparents aren't, and the results filter down to you.

I went to an exhibition recently which was about wartime and there was a plate with the week's ration of meat, bacon, cheese and marge. It wouldn't have made me a decent meal - and that was for a week!!