CD and ME

Discussion in 'CD Weight Loss Diaries' started by Sarah Lou, 3 April 2011 Social URL.

  1. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    It's me again :D I have decided to start a new diary, a new broom sweeps clean and all that. My story which has been told is an endless struggle with weight loss. I have health problems and medication that causes me great heartache with the side affects and I guess I sound like a stuck record but I have to change. I mean really change and to me this time is not about the medication it's about ME and my emotions. Something happened a few days ago and I have spent most of the weekend thinking about it so here goes.

    During the week at work I found myself sat down near a mirror, I saw myself and couldn't believe what was looking back at me. I did a higher plan on cd and then gave sw a whirl as I got quite unwell about a month ago. But during the last few weeks I have eaten the wrong thing.. I went into melt down last week and I ate and ate and ate.. can't remember taste or anything but I used the security blanket of food. Back in the office I still ignored the mirror situation and carried on with the biscuits.. I found myself saying out loud god why can't I just stop bl**dy eating. My colleague answered I don't know why you can't it is after all only food! I understood her point but felt the anger well up and I wanted to say lots of things but I didn't.. I cried in the loo, dried my tears and went back to my desk.

    I then sent a distress txt to my cdc and she said she would see me after work. So along I went and sat there blubbing and blowing my nose. There had been an incident a few weeks ago with my sister, she had been really hurtful to my Mum but to keep the peace, both Mum and I kept quite, so that anger just burned away, so two weeks later it just exploded out. My cdc was lovely and said whatever I did she would do her best to help even if I didn't want to do cdc I could pop by for a chat. There is the issue. I was blessed to have a best friend for thirty years and a couple of years ago she emigrated and in a way I think I still grieve her loss in some way. We do chat but it's not the same as the hours and hours of chatting therapy we used to do. I had such hope and aspirations over the years but bit by bit I am fading into the background.

    This is hard to say but with my illness I get a skin condition that looks awful. I have no confidence in the body area and I have been single for seven years. I have started treatment but I have to admit I havn't stuck to it, I am ashamed to say that and I know it won't get better without help, but the idea of more pills left me wondering what the hell they would do. So there it is, and here I am again. I'm not thinking about any past weight loss because to be honest it wasn't that great. I don't get the big losses like some people so, so I have asked myself why the hell are you doing it again?? I don't know, I kind of just feel I'm not in control at the moment and need more structure. And if I am honest I like chatting to you guys and sharing our experiences. Infact without my mate Kels I wouldn't be back here. I'm sorry to the SW friends as I have defected again!!! but I just have to keep trying to find the right thing. I don't even know if my health will cope with yet another change, but I gave up for the past five day's and already the scales are creeping up, so I have to put the brakes on before it gets way out of hand. I also think I caved in at work, I got such a hard time doing cd that when it got bad if I picked at food I got left alone. If I said no the comments would start. But, this makes me mad :mad: another girl in the office asked me about cd on the quite, she has now lost two stone in seven weeks, not a flipping word has been said to her apart from oh you look fab.. blah blah bl**dy blah blah. The reason why is that they wouldn't bother her as she would tell them where to get off!! as me I just take it all in and justify my actions. So today I thought I am a grown up I should be able to do what I want! I just sometimes feel I can't win.

    So I have my bits and bobs ready for work tomorrow and I think I need a shield to fend off the inevitable comments of oh your doing that ridiculous diet you have done twnety times before ( slight exaggeration but you get my drift)

    Time for bed tomorrow is a new day x
     
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  3. *Shanny*

    *Shanny* Gold Member

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    SarahLou you have really opened up and I think it's a super way to start your diary.
    You will be able to read back.. Awww big huggies and yes today is the day where u make tiny steps for yourself..! And only you can make them steps.
    We are all here for ya, good luck and hope today goes well. Xx
     
  4. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    Monday arrived and I had a quick scale check :mad: hmm, not good at all. I see my cdc on Thursday and she's been sending me messages all weekend wishing me good luck and to take it one step at a time.

    Off I went to work and hit the ground running. It was manic and I went from one thing to another and before I knew it it was lunchtime.. I'd not had enough water and by the time I got back to the office I had a major sugar slump and had the shakes. When this happens my blood pressure goes through the floor and I get all weird feelings. I wasn't prepared or I was but instead of making my shake at double quick time I had biscuits :mad: not the end of the world on my long journey but if I had to write a report I would write, could do better. I think I need to keep some chicken and salad to hand, especially tomorrow as I am on the late shift.

    I'm leaving my money at home tomorrow as our in house training kitchen is open and if I have no money I can't go in. They make cake and boy do they make cake and sell it for 50p a slice. :eek: definatley a no go area for me as I am a cake monster ;) or I was! lol
     
  5. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    I did it I actually did it!!! my first 100 per cent day in a long time. No it wasn't easy I nearly got caught out again :eek: went to a meeting and was convinced I had my bar in my bag, when everyone started eating I reached into my bag and it wasn't there!!! so I managed to grap a coffee, I forgot my water.. finally made it back, had my bar, lots of water and crisis averted. I cannot tell you what today feels like for me, if I can do it day I can do it tomorrow. Should be easier I'm staying put in the office :)
     
  6. trisha

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    Hi good luck with the restart, I'm also on a restart and on day 7 and for the first time in a long time have been 100%.
     
  7. poppygreendog

    poppygreendog Silver Member

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    Sarah Lou - ignore people who try to sabotage your journey, its yours and yours alone! Good luck for your 100% day, feels amazing doesn't it! :)
     
  8. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    Oh how lovely I have some readers of my ever so exciting diary :eek: NOT!!!

    I can't get over how big the screen looks it's lunchtime and I rarely sit down long enough to look at minimins, if ever, so most of posting is at home and I do that on my little net book.

    Hi Poppy and Trisha, thanks for stopping by. Good luck with your re-start Trisha, how are you finding it. I don't know about you but when the sun is out I find it easier, I think of all the summer clothes I need to fit into!!

    Poppy I know what you mean I'm quite an open perosn and chat away about stuff so I guess when people saw I was not loosing weight they were wondering why I was still doing cd. But as you said it's my journey and I may of just being going the scenic route. I guess because I am not open about my illness they don't realise how much I struggle sometimes with full time work and medicine side affects. If I had something they could see maybe it would be different.

    I am really pleased though but since Monday I have got a few side glances when I have been mixing my shakes but as yet no comments, perhaps they have learnt from my last outburst when I got really cross :mad: they don't often see the super charged Sarah Lou, lol. I often wonder why people are so interested in what other people do. I ask questions about things but take it as that, I don't then go into a full critical response.. I havn't got the energy :)

    Oh this is such a luxury sitting down to do this. So far today I have had my shake, chicken salad and the water! If I don't keep a two litre bottle on my desk I am rubbish, even though the water cooler is across from me. I just loose count of what I am having.

    I think I have finally settled at the 810 plan. It gives me just enough oomph, I don't feel sick when I take my med's so fingers crossed it stay's that way.

    I no I have over four stone to loose but just getting that first 100% day under my belt yesterday has given me a spring in my step. I had my main meal when I got home last night but I think having it hat lunch time works better for me, I then have more energy for the afternoon shift!! as I never know what is likely to come through the door.

    I hope everyone else is having a good day! so far so good, on course for day 2 100%.
     
  9. trisha

    trisha likes to post

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    Hi Sarah well done on staying 100%.My restart is going really well thanks first time in a long time that I've been 100% for a whole week! I've had WI today and lost 7lbs so really plesed :bliss:
     
  10. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    You go Trisha, well done 7 pounds is a fantastic loss! half a stone that's fab, so pleased for you. I see my cd tomorrow I am not expecting anything amazing but to be honest I would be happy with a pound :D it would mean my weight has stopped going up day by day. Will catch up with you tomorrow with my result ;)
     
  11. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

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    Love the title of your thread - is there some history to that? :)

    Also love your honesty, hun. :hug99: I never cease to be amazed by how similar many of our stories are - often for completely different reasons. I think that's one of the reasons why the Cambridge Forum here on MiniMins is one of the friendliest forums I know.

    Funny then why it should be that when I'm struggling, I somehow manage to 'forget' that people here are among the most understanding bunch in the world when it comes to 'getting' why losing weight is such a struggle. If only it was as simple as eating less and moving more, huh?

    Keep posting, hun. You might not think your diary's very exciting but I'm enjoying every word.

    Mix those lunchtime shakes with pride! :D
     
  12. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    Hi Lily, I have been reading your posts in your diary and then you pop up in mine :D My Mum calls me Dolly, I really must ask her why she does??? never thought to ask her. The daydream bit I added as my mind is prone to wonder through the day and I always have some sort of idea in my head. I understand how it is to struggle with cd, after all this is my ???? time of trying. But as I said before in my diary this is my journey and I will get there or perhaps I should say WE will get there :D I will look forward to chatting with you, I will carry on reading your diary now x

    I'm staring a new book tonight so watch out I will be full of it tomorrow ;) lol
     
  13. *Shanny*

    *Shanny* Gold Member

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    Well done Sarah you will get there.. Keep focused hunnie x
     
  14. Kels_85

    Kels_85 Silver Member

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    Hey sistaaaaaaaa,
    sorry its taken me so long to check out your diary! Not getting on at all with Minimins from my BlackBerry!
    YOU are doing sooooooooooooooo well honey, I am very proud of you! I knew you could do this!! Keep going chick, you will get there in the end, I just know you will!
    Hope your having a good day today girlie, 810 is such a good plan, I for one am definitely loving it!!
    I have to shoot now, my Mum needs the computer, but I'll give you a text later, or Facebook ya!

    Again, so proud of you honey xxxxxx luv ya lots shake sistaaaa xxxxx
     
  15. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    Thank you Kels my shaka sista 4ever :D so day three on the cd journey and 99.9%, popped a sweet or three in my gob at lunchtime, but I am sure three little old sweets didn't cause the 1/4 pound gain. So looking at it, I have only been back doing it proper for three days. So not long. I'm doing 810 and by the time I got weighed it was late and I had downed 2 litres of water. I tried to ease up but by 3.00pm I had such a stinking headache I needed water !!

    So all in all only a three day week for me so onwards and downwards.

    I really need to sort out my clothes this weekend. Black is not a good look when it's so warm.. eww the thought of exposing flesh makes me feel yuck :eek: another reason to shift the flab ;)

    And this bit is just for me to moan a bit! Is it really fair to loose 3 1/2 pounds and then confess to eating pizza :eek: no I think not.. that wasn't me by the way!!! fume over ;)
     
  16. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

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    Don't worry - karma has a way of catching up with secret pizza eaters. I should know :rolleyes: :D

    Well done on being 99.9% :D :D

    I just found these bunnies in the smilie section - think they must've added some more, cos I don't remember seeing them before.

    Dance bunnies, dance!

    :bunnydance: :bunnydance: :bunnydance: :bunnydance: :bunnydance: :bunnydance: :bunnydance: :bunnydance:

    Cute, huh? :D
     
  17. *Shanny*

    *Shanny* Gold Member

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    Evening Dolly.. how's u today?? x
     
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  19. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    Hi Shanny :) just got in from work and sooo tired. Arrived at work and had my first meeting at 10.00, finished at 12.30 and I headed off to see how the kids were doing with the Indian feast. They were all dressed up and doing henna hand painting (without the henna) they used brown eyeliners :eek: bless them. Had my hand painted and a bindi put on.

    Had one!!! popadom and some cucumber relish and some chilli dip and then sadly had to dash to another meeting.

    The meeting was about the cuts and benefit reform.. not quite the thing for a Friday. The weekends here and its time to tackle some spring cleaning and getting back to 100%, not had enough water today or enough of anything really but will sort if out tomorrow. Early night for me x
     
  20. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

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    Diet:
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    Shouldn't it be 'hello Dolly'?

    #I said hello, dolly,......well, hello, dolly
    It's so nice to have you back where you belong...#

    Oh dear, how old am I - 90? :eek:

    Sorry Sarah. :eek:

    I think one poppadom was pretty good going. :) That meeting sounds dire. So glad it was Friday today!

    Glad I'm not the only one who's going to be spring cleaning. I'm planning to help my (nearly) 15 year old son clean up his bedroom tomorrow. Something to set the alarm for, eh? ;)

    Hope you sleep well!
     
  21. *Shanny*

    *Shanny* Gold Member

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    Hello Dolly... Ha

    You did well I didn't have any chips so we both did well.

    I'm spring cleaning this bedroom before the hairdressers, and gym.

    Why don't u join me and Lilly in the 7 day challenge?
    Have a lovely weekend .x
     
  22. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

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    Lily and Shanny love the singing yes I love the singing it's so swell to know that you are there!! la la la :D:D now I've got that tune in my head!!! lol

    well it was a lovely sunny day here in Devon but I spent most of it sorting out my bedroom. And boy did I sort it. I am planning to move in the Summer so operation declutter has started. I went into the hardware shop at the end of the road and bought bin bags and cleaning stuff. I don't know what it is about those little shops but I always spend ages mooching around and I think I need stuff!!! when I don't. So armed with my cleaning kit off I went. I also had a major clothes sort out so the charity shop will be getting a delivery from me.

    At one stage of the declutter I looked around the room and thought oh gawd what the heck have I started but once everything was sorted into the correct bag it was ok. well as ok as it can be.

    Only the lounge, kitchen and garden to sort.. oh eck.. can't think about that :eek:

    I know I've not had enough water as my head is banging again. Another early night and alot more water tomorrow :4635:
     
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