do i expect too much

ive come to the conclusion thats hes a lazy so and so. i blame his mum, because up to the point where he moved in with me his mum did everything for him cooking, cleaning, ironing and even his "packed lunch" for work and he expected me to do the same. shock horror im not your mum and im not gonna wipe the butt of a grown man. like i said in previous post i dont want mirracles. im not expecting him to clean from top to bottom just if you see it needs doing rather than moan to me that it hasnt been done take five mins of that precious computer/out with the boys time and do it. ive tried and tried talking to him but i feel like im banging my head against a brick wall he just wont listen to me. he said if he has to come home and work he might aswell give up his job and stay home all day. ive put up with it for 12 years and im coming to the point where i think ive had enough whats the point in him being here everything is totaly one sided theres no give and take and im expected to do it all.
 
I might be a bit controversial here but this is just my opinion!
I've always worked full time and went back to work when my baby was 14 weeks old. In that time I've been married, divorced, spent years on my own and now live with someone else. I've always done everything AND worked full time. I still do.
I come in from work and start on dinner straight away. I sort packed lunches for the 3 of us for the next day. I put the washing on (every day), I empty and fill the dishwasher. I tidy up a bit. I sit down at about 7.30pm after getting up at 6.30am.

OH comes in about 6pm and sits down! It's the way it is and there is no point winding myself up about it. He doesn't cook or tidy up but he does so many other things. He does all the household jobs, he does the plumbing, the electrics, the shelf putting up, the path laying, the grass cutting. Yes he's untidy and doesn't think to take the bins out or wash up unless I ask but I love him and that's that. If I was to go on strike it would bother me more than him so there is not point. He just does not see the mess.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and it is so true. Don't nag him, just ask him to wipe the surface when he's made a sandwich and ask him to put a bag in when he's taken one out. There's no point expecting him to think to do it because he won't. The mind just doesn't see it! I've taken years to realise that they don't do it intentionally and they are not lazy, idle or useless - they are just men and it's the way they are!

I would love nothing more than to stay at home all day and be able to do the things I do after work and I think anyone is in the position to do so is lucky. I've always thought this. Yes it's tiring doing these things but trying doing them after a full day at work!!
 
dont get me wrong i know im blessed to be able to stay home with the baby and i appreciate that he works but the job he does is not hard manual work. most days he tells me hes been standing around doing nothing because there hasnt been anything for him to do. when i say i do everything i mean i do everything! gardening, decorating, tiling because if i wait for him to do it, it will never get done 7 months pregnant i had been waiting for him to swap rooms (the girls into our big room us in the smaller and the baby in the box room) so the baby had her own room and the girls were sharing. 3 months i waited guess who had to do it? all i wanted was the house to be straight before the baby came so i could enjoy having her and not worry bout what has to be done next it was all done but with no thanks to him. if he does do anything i have to give him a list and pin him down practically before he will do it. its not much to ask for a little bit of help
 
You're quite right, it's not too much to ask for a bit of help and my OH is the same during the week. Weekends are fine, he does loads but he doesn't do anything monday to friday. We both have jobs where we sit on our butts all day and believe me, it's as tiring as a manual job! (I've done that too!)

I honestly believe it's pointless trying to change them, it's a waste of our energy. It's a case of put up with it or get out because if they haven't changed now, it's not going to happen!
 
Well after reading everything I think you should accept him for how he is & stop stressing about things he doesn't do. It's not ideal but having that acceptance will give you a calmer outlook.

If his mum did everything it makes sense he would expect you to do the same. You try with small changes, i.e. each time the bin is full & he puts something in, pass him & bag & ask him to change it, until it becomes a habit for him.

My kids are now 17 & 19 & it does get easier, but I can still remember how difficult looking after children can be.
 
My dh does his own ironing, makes his own breakfast, on weekends gives the kids a bath and gets them dressed and normally looks after them while I go out on the weekends for shopping (I love doing the grocery shopping). He doesn't mind as he stays home watching cricket, football or tennis. He also cooks maybe once a month. Other than that he doesn't really do anything else in the house. I have to keep telling him to take the bin out and to remember to put another bag on!

My oldest son (11) makes his own breakfast and packed lunch for school, makes his bed (most of the time) and picks up after the little ones when they leave a mess with the toys (although I'm teaching the 2 smaller ones to pick up after themselves). My 4 yr old also makes his bed now!

That leaves me with just looking after my 2.5 yr old all day, making snacks for when the kids come home and dinner for all and time to make my own SW food. I also do the dishes or put them in the dishwasher and clean up all the house, do the washing and put the clothes back.

My OH never used to do anything at home and they even had helpers at home, but I can happily say I've changed him just a bit, so it is possible.
 
can i borrow you for a few weeks lol. ive decided that im not doing it all myself i just phsically cannot do everything! ive decided that the kids should do there fare share the 10 and 12 yr old i cant see the 9 month old running the hoover round lol. they get pocket money each week so im going to draw up a plan that they can do 1 chore each every day. this will take some of the pressure off me. maintaining a clean house once its clean is simple its a matter of just running the hoover round and polishing, doing the dishes and washing. but cleaning up after everyone else is not my job. they are all capable of doing it themselves. ive had enough of them all thinking oh dont worry mum will do it well i got news for everyone im NOT doing it. and i think next time oh wants a free haircut off the in house hairdresser he can go jump sorry love im too busy with the house work.
 
Good for you!! I hadn't realised how old the other children were. Definitely old enough to do something to help and to not expect you to pick up after them!!
 
I am very fortunate in that my husband pulls his weight, he is not very good at seeing things that need doing but he asks that I give him a list and the list is always doen when I get home and he cooks dinner and cleans up after himself. My former husband was like yours - you do have to think seriously if that is what you want the rest of your life to be like and no one should speak down to you. Some counselling is needed here and good luck -
 
Definately think your kids need to help more and your husband needs to be more understanding, but there is always room for change!
 
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