Getting my mojo back!

I've been taking iron for fatigue (I have an inherited tendency towards anaemia and have been feeling pretty rough and looking VERY pale recently!) Prob best add a multivit as well. I usually take a B complex but have run out - could be part of the problem...?

Need to knuckle down and stop fantasising about some random arty life I'm never going to have!
 
Spanglymum said:
Can't help feeling sad though. I'm on Prozac (have been for a few years) so I'd have thought my depression was under control - but I feel quite down on myself at times about (a) being bigger than I want to be (b) feeling like a failure and (c) my job. I wish I wish I wish... etc. Why am I so moody?!

I sometimes think I live in a wee fantasy world of sorts. Like the food problems were masking my real feelings. Then I lost the weight - and felt as though everything was going to be ok ("all or nothing" thinking, anyone?!) but in fact I'm just as dissatisfied as ever. I fantasise about opening an avant garde clothing and jewellery boutique (mental to think of opening a shop in a recession), or doing more with my art and drawing (never make any money at it though - which is why Mum and Dad advised me to give up art at O level and get a "proper" job), or writing... but it's all castles in the air.

I wish I'd taken a creative turn - but now it's too late. I'm stuck in this corporate job that isn't really "me" and I struggle with it every day. It's what I wished for and worked for though, and I pay the mortgage - so I have to do it. Ugh. :(
Click to expand...

Wow Spangle Lady :) - I relate to a lot of what you are saying here. I am on Anti Depressants too. I have been since mom died - so three years now ( hard to believe) - and I know I am better, by far - but i also know I am still depressed. If I am honest with myself I think I have been depressed my entire life - I just never really knew it and the signs were not obvious. I believe now,as an adult, that being adopted DID have a significant impact on my psyche - despite have WONDERFUL parents - I was always on the sad side of things and remain that way. To this day anad accept I will always have an underlying sadness despite smiling on the outside. It gets me down sometimes but I just accept that is what makes me "me". I also believe the world is in such a mess, its hard NOT to be depressed.

I too am immesnely unsatisfied in my carreer choices of my life. I have never had a job I enjoy. REALLY enjoy - a job that feeds my soul. I have only had jobs that feed someone elses bank account. That is all. When I was graduation high school, my parents offered me the choice of Art School or Culinary School - they knew I was more creative the scholastic. I SO wish I listened, but I thought I knew better - and just "wanted to get on with my life" so I chose to go straight to work. Awful mistake. I have missed my calling, as art is something I feel I am very good at. I paint, make jewelery, pottery, etc. But now, at 53 - welll, its just not realistic. That is probably partly why we may never feel quite satisified - we are not doing what we are instinctively geared to do - we have deprived ourselves by the choices we made. But never say its a pipe dream - you never know, maybe one day it will happen for you.

I know with me when I am fat, I hate my life. Everything about it. Everything is difficult. And my self esteem takes a massive dive. Most people when they put on weight they laugh about it and deal with it. I wallow in it. I feel it is some kind of punishment I do too myself. But it has a knock on effect on everything. And takes me ages to climb out of it.

But we are doing something to help ourselfs, and we will have successes and blips - but as long as we keep going, eventually the cycle can be broken. I almost gave up this time. I almost thought F*ck it (sorry - but that IS what I thouhgt) I will just be big and fat my whole life. But then, I cannot accept that - I just cannot, so I try again.

It takes a pretty strong person to keep trying. You need to give yourself kudos for not giving up and see the strength in you for not doing so.

One day, we will crack this thing. I thought I had - having maintained a 10 stone loss for 2 years - but moms accident and death were just too big. There will always be something big enough to knock you down. Its whether we choose to stay down, or if we muster up all our strangth, stand up, dust ourselves off and have another go. Just keep on doing what makes YOU happy.

Waffle waffle waffle - lol - I really just wanted to say I understand, and yuo are not alone.

xxxxxxxxx
 
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Very interesting thoughts there. I dont have a creative bone in my body. Must be very difficult not to channel your creativity, I think.
 
Thanks so much for your wonderful post, BL. I'm sorry you can identify but also it really helps to know I'm not alone.

I think I've had (untreated) depression ever since my sister died when I was 14. The light kind of went out in me. She was everything to me. She was a lot older than me (five and a half years) and in some ways was the bits of mothering my mum couldn't do: like hugs and kisses and comfort and encouragement. My mum is an amazing woman and I have huge respect for her, but she's never been good at affection or emotions. I think probably her generation, living through the war must have been very difficult.

Anyway. I lost 'me' for a very very long time. There seemed no point to anything. I didn't lose my faith completely but I was angry with God and stopped going to church. What was the point? That someone with such talent and joy and warmth and creativity could just die of a brain tumour at 19.

No one knew how to support me. My friends and I were all only 14 years old so not the most mature at the best of times. So I put my grief away deep inside. Sometimes it comes back and it's just as painful as ever. I hear Christmas songs (we turned off the life support on 19 December) and start crying. It can happen anywhere. So here it is, merry Christmas, everybody's having fun. No they're not! I was on my way home in the taxi after she died. Bloody hell. Sorry :(

Anyway, I've started to find me again...

But at the moment I'm still wobbling. I do believe I have the strength to get there but dammit I want to get there NOW! Lol. I'm bored by myself and my circular pattern.

Midlife crisis, eh?!
 
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Oh my - I so so SO relate to that too!!!!!! The whole "My light went out" is EXACLTY what happened to me when my dad ( my hero) died in 1993. I have never ever been the same since then. Man I get that. I really do. <<<hugs>>> And he too died around Christmas - he died on the 6th December, and his birthday was on the 23rd December- and I can barely hear a Christmas carol myself without welling up!!!! And grief - grief is murder on an adult - but children are not emotionally equipped to deal with it well - and back when I was a teenager, it didn't get dealt with at all. For example - in one year in High School when I was 16 my friend Kelly committed suicide - she put a gun in her mouth just 5 minutes after I dropped her off at home - her last words to me were "This was the best day of my life.", and then my best friends boyfriend accidentily shot himself in the neck in a hunting accident and died, and finally a very popular classmate - who was adorable - ALL of us had crushes on him - he was killed in a horrific car accident. All this in one year and the school never once had any type of counseling or after care - it just was not the done thing back then. They didn't know what they know now. This would have been 1976.

I learned last year in my PTSD Therapy that those things when you are young cause PTSD, but we didn't know it then - but it is stored and stays with you in many ways.

I always say regarding the loss of someone you truly loved is, "you never ever get "over" it - you just get good at hiding it" - but it is always there. And why wouldn't it be. We LOVED these people! Grief is a real bugger for me. My entire life from as long ago as I can recall - I feared losing my parents. Now I know why! Being older now, when mom died, aside from the PTSD which was a result of her accident and the days that followed - not her passing (she was 93 - it wasn't rocket science... ;) ) but it was the way she died, and witnessing it all, I have over all dealt with the grief aspect much better than I did with Dad - which was 20 years ago - I was 33 then. But no matter what - it DOES change you. People do not understand grief until they go through it themselves. This makes it hard sometimes to get the kind of support you need.

Have you ever journaled? It really can help when you are trying to find yourself, etc.

Keep up the good fight - all these things in our lives - the good the bad and the ugly makes us who we are. <<<hugs>>>> And I think we are pretty amazing.

" No one said it would be easy....No one said it'd be this hard..." - Cheryl Crowe

xxx
 
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Hugs to both from here x
 
How has your bank holiday weekend been Spangly?
 
Well I was off all week, as it was half term. I've eaten anything and everything and despair of ever regaining either control or my figure. I feel really flabby and ugly and like a failure. But I can't seem to get myself together enough to go back ... I have booked in with a local therapist for some 1:1 sessions as I think I'm going around in circles and need some professional help. It isn't just the food, it's deep rooted stuff that LL started to uncover but I've stuffed away again.

I'm hoping a few sessions will help me regain focus and get back in control, and more importantly, help prevent me repeating the same loop forever.

On a different note, I've had a fab week. Loads of gardening and also been back on a bike for the first time in 25 years! It will be a whole before I'm confident enough to ride on the road but it's good to have started.

We went away for a family friend's 60th birthday last weekend and amazingly got some sleep despite all sharing a bedroom in the b and b. we've avoided sharing because neither of our daughters slept when they were little and we had some pretty bad experiences (lack of sleep is a big trigger for my depression) so it's brilliant to know we can share as we will be able to afford to go away occasionally now!
 
Blonde - thank you so much for such an open and heartfelt post. I am so sorry to hear what you've lived through and I think you really are an amazing person. We will get there, won't we? Xxx
 
Good for you for getting some help - fantastic move! It is amazing how LL peels away at layers and you never know what to expect, or how it will hit you! I think thats a marvelous step. :) I found my treatment so helpful last year for different reasons, but an unbiased view can really clear some way for you to move forward. Good luck! :)
 
Just a quick "hello". I'm not doing so well, foodwise, but the two 1:1 sessions I've had so far have been amazing. Not quite what I'd expected but I think very constructive. I'm optimistic that I will get back in control again - the food/weight thing is about so much more than numbers...

More another time...
 
Glad the sessions are a good thing. I think when you feel positive about them very early on like this, it means its a good match with the counselor and I bet you will get a great benefit from it. It takes time.... And it can be hard work - but it is worth it. :)

Speaking for myself, food will never be easily sorted out if my head is not in a good place. So don't be too hard on yourself - Get your mind clear, adn the rest will follow. :)

xx
 
Starting back on packs tomorrow... Nothing fits. I feel bloated and horrible and like a failure. Which I then react to by eating carbs... I am going to do this. I've done it before and can do it again!
 
Am nervous but also relieved. I want to get back to me again. I know the first few days may be difficult but I'm finally ready. Not sure why I had to leave it so long this time but I'm ready to start. Weigh in is not going to be pretty!

I have eight weeks before my two week break from work. How amazing would it be to be posting pics on here of being back in my cool clothes?! I can do this!!!
 
When I went back, 3 weekd ago I did not look at the scales. I did not look at her face. And I did not look at my little booklet. It made it so much easier to jut get on with it in a positive frame of mind. The next week I looked, and I was glad I had not looked the first week - it would have been a downer for me. But by then after the first weeks loss and at the beginning of Zone behavior - it did not sting so much. So that may be something you want to try?

Anyway - good luck to you - you can do this. I know you can, and you know you can. Go for it girl!! Own it!! Work it!! :D teehee

ALL the best. xxxxx
 
Well, built up to finally stepping on the scales (if I'm honest I've been putting it off since Christmas!) and it turns out my scales are broken! Getting train this morning and will stop at a big branch of Boots and weigh in there. Don't want to miss the lovely incentive of the big first few days' loss!
 
So proud of myself. The weight is pretty grim, but I'm proud of the fact I've finally faced up to it and got myself weighed. It was a bit of a big milestone really! I do sometimes wonder if this is in fact my 'natural' weight. It seems to be a familiar figure (in both senses of the word). But I do really like being slimmer. Need to do the work!!
 
Didn't see your post earlier, Blonde. Anyway the deed is done - i weighed myself - and I know what I'm facing. I will do it! Rock solid determination is me! Funny how you suddenly get to a place where the benefits of doing it totally outweigh any other thoughts. I've made it through day 1 at work and still have two packs to go. Onward!
 
Right! Day one - done! Now for a seriously early night and day two tomorrow. I keep thinking about all my lovely clothes waiting for me :). Goodnight all and back again tomorrow!
 
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