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Kam here....please read and take note.

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#1
I have a mate that constantly starts a diet from SW to WW to lipotirm to CD! with adios added for the extra touch!

They have loads of weight to lose over 10+ stone! but can't stick to a diet and has loads health problems...that people no longer believe are true as but nevers seeks advice from there GP. :mad:

I'm there 100% as is everyone else but I'm increasingly finding them an emotional drain which isn't helping me with my weightloss either it all just totally depresses me!:mad:

Any suggestions on how I can deal with this situation before I say something I will regret!:eek:

Kam x
 
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#2
I have a similar friend Kam and I've found that after beating my head against a brick wall for years, I've had to take a step back before she drained me completely.

We still speak and are still friends but I try to limit the conversation to stuff other than weight loss: it's just too much of an emotional drain otherwise and I have my own demons to fight without fighting hers too. It became blindingly obvious that she had bigger issues and didn't want support as much as she wanted sympathy.

I think that we sometimes have to accept that there are people who are naturally 'toxic' - and not just in the world of weight either: my own sister is highly toxic ... I often felt like downing a bottle of whiskey after an hour of her tales of woe on the telephone!

I will 'walk the walk' alongside ANYONE and support them through difficult times (weight related or otherwise) but if it becomes blatantly apparant after you've tried EVERYTHING that the person in question just can't (or for whatever reason, won't) be helped then all you can do is to take a small step back and allow them to come out of their pity-party. Sometimes, the best way to help someone is to stop helping them.
 

westhills

I STILL mean it!
#3
I came across similar situations when I was a nurse, Kam. The bottom line is that some people want to have sometging done TO them, to solve their problems, when the reality is that they have to do something for themselves.
Until someone takes responsibilty for their self, both their physical state and their feelings, there's not much anyone else can do. We all know you have to be at the right place inside your head for this (or any other) diet to work. A good analogy I heard once was that the ball has to hit the ground before it bounces back up again.
I empathise with your friend 100%, but all you can do is be there for her, and make sure she knows that options are open for her, when the time is right. The worst feeling I had, was hopelessness - the feeling that whatever you do, nothing will change. I count myself fortunate that I found LL and then CD, and was able to do it, because the alternative was probably to die.
You look after yourself.
Ann x
PS. I agree with everything Debbie said above. (as usual!)
 
#4
Thanks you two!
Main problem is that she just won't help herself yet looks for sympathy all the time...and gets it! She just goes on and on about how she wants to lose it but does nothing to help herself.
I have offered her so much support for what seems a life time as has everyone. But yet she stops and starts diets almost on a daily basis!! blaming the most lame reasons that are no longer believeable!
Blah, blah, blah!
Thanks again.
Kamilla xx
 
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#5
I know how frustrating it is Kamiknix ... I'd suggest the sort of approach I take with my kids: reward them for good behaviour and ignore the bad.

In other words, praise your friend is she's showing signs of tackling her problem in a positive (and consistant) way but 'pass' on negative comments and refuse to be a constant sounding board.

Hope she finds her way soon: with 18st to lose, she's likely to be heading for some serious health problems in the future!

PS
Ann - loved the bouncing ball comment!!
 

westhills

I STILL mean it!
#6
Kam - I bet it's always someone elses "fault" that she can't stick to diets, and probably not her own fault that she's this big in the first place. Been there, done that........
Debbie - My ball well and truly hit the bottom at the end of last year, which is probably why I was mentally "ready" for LL in January. Thank God.
Ann xxx
 
#7
I have a similar friend! She can't stick to a diet... but the worst thing that drives me mad, is she hates her job, rings me up to moan for hours on end (I used to work at the same company), but she doesn't do anything about it!!! She moans about how much she wants to leave and that she can't bear to go in the next day.. but the situation is still the same years down the line... yes she has been moaning about the same job, same hours, same people, same problems for over three years!!!

She has the same problem with diets... but then I can't say too much because although i have tried different diets in the past with moderate success.. this is the first diet where i have found the true determination to succeed no matter how outrageous it seemed in the first place... my mate was going to do the CD diet with me.. but decided she should wait till after xmas - I said it would be better to just start it there and then and we would be able to encourage each other.. but no.. she said she would leave it till after xmas.. now she envies my weight loss, says i look great..but now had decided she doesn't have enough willpower to do it at all!!!

I despair every day!!!
 
#8
i must admit (with a red face :eek: ) that this sounds like me!

ive been on and off diets for years and always blamed willpower, the person going to class with me/no one going to class with me/not the right food in/someone made me feel cr*p/had a bad day at work....there are a million excuses id use.

now it seems to have fallen into place in that im now thinking if I dont do something about it no one else will. its up to me all the way, im only getting bigger and bigger by carrying on the way i am so i need to change.

i feel for other people being in that situation as its a horrible place to be, sort of in denial a bit i suppose.

anyway after that wee waffle my advice for you kam, is to just step back and let your friend off load on others a little more, she will only do it when shes ready, even if she feels like she is just now shes obvoiusly not. keep your chin up xxx
 
#9
Thanks you lot!
lizzie...you and me both! Been on every diet going and failed :( until now! Not only have I found friends for life but I'm losing weight and after months of having to wait after surgery I'm back with avengance! And loving this mad world of VLCD's!
She basically can't be bothered...I feel she's happy as she is. Especially as she gets so much attention harping on about her apparent health problems! yet she never sees the doctor! I know I sound abit harsh but at the end of the day its like I told her before its only US that can change the way we are! And yes its fine to have a moan every so often don't we all but everyday is so draining!!
Nuff said thanks everyone I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest before I said something I would regret!
Kamilla x
 
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#10
What a refreshing post! Thanks for sharing your feelings Kami... I know someone like that too and simply decided that they were "toxic" to me and so I basically weaned them off me. I don't have much to do with them now and my life has improved a million fold. I agree with the comments of the other posters on this thread too. I think we all have "toxic" people in our lives.... it doesn't mean we don't care if we distance ourselves.. it simply is a survival instinct.
 
Likes: KD

Diva

Cambridge Diet Counsellor
#11
Totally agree with most of what has already been said...sometimes you just have to leave people to get on with their lives. None of us can really judge and most of us have been where this friend is...however, the change only happens when it starts from the inside. As you know Kam, I have said this to you many times....some people are very comfortable in their discomfort and you just have to leave them to it.

So long as you know you have done all that you can then so be it. I've had clients like this before and you know what I've done....taken a step back and told them that I can't help them! At the end of the day I am a Coach and a Therapist not a magician and if people aren't at least willing to take action then what can I do???

I will spend as much time as is necessary and invest my energy into anyone but it has to start with them....as someone has already said, Kam, you could find yourself totally drained emotionally and then what do you have left for yourself and your family?

Not being harsh, honey, but you've got your own fish to fry!! :)
 
#13
mmmmmmm... fried fish....:eek: oops... sorry...
LOL - that tickled my funny-bone on this miserable wet morning!! :)

PS
Why is it always throwing it down when I've got a History field trip?????? :mad: :mad:
 
#14
PS
Why is it always throwing it down when I've got a History field trip?????? :mad: :mad:[/quote]

Because a couple of cases of Trench Foot will really bring history to life. It's all worth it for authenticity:D
 
#15
Thanks for all your replies and all the advice...most of which I already knew just needed back up! before I put my thoughts into action!!

Diva...fish to fry! Oh you tease! I love fried fish that made my mouth water...fish 'n' chips! any chance of a fish 'n' chip favoured pack? LOL But seriously, Diva you know me very well now I think! and you know that I take everyones problems on board but never expect anything back...MUG! thats me. I just can't stop myself.

Cheb...PMSL at the trench foot comment!

RD...hope you didn't get too wet today!

FFF...thanks for your PM...whatever dod you mean!! LOL have replied.

Anyway, I've sorted out the situation!! I hope!

Thanks all

Kam xx
 
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#16
Thanks to everyone for your replies. I have dealt with the situation now...

BUT...I'm getting emails, IM's, MSN, and PM's on here slating me for expressing my feelings as the situation was getting me down and as Diva said I've got my own fish to fry! I'm not a ***** I'm just saying how I feel and asking for some advice.

Not happy :mad:

Kam
 
#17
Thanks to everyone for your replies. I have dealt with the situation now...

BUT...I'm getting emails, IM's, MSN, and PM's on here slating me for expressing my feelings about MY FRIEND! I'm not a ***** I'm just saying how I feel and asking for some advice!

Not happy :mad:

Kam
who on earth is slating you???:eek: You were just asking advice?
((((hugs))))
xxc
 
#18
Kam I read this thread with interest as I have issues with a controlling mother/brother (see my diary!) and identified with the feelings you were/are having.

I am sorry you are having a bad time now.
(((HUGS)))
 
#19
Thanks to everyone for your replies. I have dealt with the situation now...

BUT...I'm getting emails, IM's, MSN, and PM's on here slating me for expressing my feelings as the situation was getting me down and as Diva said I've got my own fish to fry! I'm not a ***** I'm just saying how I feel and asking for some advice.

Not happy :mad:

Kam
ahhh the good old emails & pms from real brave people who know nothing about your situation, but yet feel can comment on what you do........behind the safety of their secret messages.

Glad you hopefully got it sorted out kami, for your own sanity.
 
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