Lets get everyone laughing as its the season to be jolly
- Thread starter Nick
- Start date
PrincessBex
Regular Member
How do you know what youv passed a rhinocerous?
You cant shut the toilet seat.
My mum loves this joke and still laughs everytime she tells it, bless her!
You cant shut the toilet seat.
My mum loves this joke and still laughs everytime she tells it, bless her!
Summerskye
Gold Member
What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg!
An egg!
Two blondes walk into a building.............you think one of them would have seen it.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley.......a shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Northside/Southside jokes (exchange depending on where you are from)
Dublin !!
What do you call a northsider in a BMW - a joyrider ?
What do you call a southside in a bmw - JEFF
What do you call a northsider in a suit - the defendant
This is rude
How do you know a northside girl is having and orgasm - she drops her chips.
x
Bettyboo
Whats the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley.......a shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Northside/Southside jokes (exchange depending on where you are from)
Dublin !!
What do you call a northsider in a BMW - a joyrider ?
What do you call a southside in a bmw - JEFF
What do you call a northsider in a suit - the defendant
This is rude
How do you know a northside girl is having and orgasm - she drops her chips.
x
Bettyboo
MadamDotty
Back again!
What do you call a spider with no legs?..................
A raisin
A raisin
An accountant gets home late from work one night, his wife demands to know where he has been all this time?
He replies, I was getting a tattoo!
A tattoo, she frowned. What sort of tattoo?
I got a £50 note tattooed on my cock, he said proudly.
What on earth were you thinking? she said shaking her head, why would an accountant get a fifty pounds note tattooed on his knob?
A big smile erupted on his face at this point!
Well lots of reasons; one, I like to watch my money grow; two. once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like money in my hand and most important of all, instead of you going shopping at the weekends, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid when ever you like!!!!!
He replies, I was getting a tattoo!
A tattoo, she frowned. What sort of tattoo?
I got a £50 note tattooed on my cock, he said proudly.
What on earth were you thinking? she said shaking her head, why would an accountant get a fifty pounds note tattooed on his knob?
A big smile erupted on his face at this point!
Well lots of reasons; one, I like to watch my money grow; two. once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like money in my hand and most important of all, instead of you going shopping at the weekends, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid when ever you like!!!!!
These are terrible!
You need a good joke
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
You need a good joke
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
This is abit sick! sorry
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
'What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway.
'What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house.
We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno... never found the head!
We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house.
We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno... never found the head!
Murder at Tesco!
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to
have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. The husband
said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the Pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to
have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. The husband
said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the Pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO'S"
Karen1972
Gold Member
A man goes to the doctors for a check up. Everything seems to be fine but the doc is puzzled by the man's orange penis.
Sensitively, he asks the man some questions "sir, do you work in the local chemical plant?"
Man replies "No doc, i'm unemployed"
Doc says "so what do you do all day"
Man says "i watch porn and eat wotsits"
Sensitively, he asks the man some questions "sir, do you work in the local chemical plant?"
Man replies "No doc, i'm unemployed"
Doc says "so what do you do all day"
Man says "i watch porn and eat wotsits"
