Serena, Greeneyes, KD. I do not deserve your kindness, horrible little self-pitying me. Made me cry AGAIN.
Then again, as KD says, why don't I deserve it? Why can't I allow myself to be looked after for a bit, to receive a hug as well as to give one? Why can't I be slim? Why be so hard on myself? KNOW this is all skewed thinking, that my head is playing games with me. I have put on half a stone, more if you measure from my lowest weight, 10 9, but I cannot panic. I cannot let the mindless self-harm style of eating consume me again. I WON'T.
I am wobbly, so just need to be aware of that and make allowances. Kitkats all gone, (thanks to me) snickers bars in cupboard redeployed to son's room. He bought me a big carrot cake yesterday to cheer me up... he is 17, doesn't get it, who would? Thought I was back to 'normal', old mum who could always feel better after a slice of cake, a bar of choc (or three). And that was always the tip of the iceberg, of course.
Katycakes... I know what you mean. But that nickname was fine until this week. And the sad faced avatar, was fine, just a reminder of who i used to be. And the choc in the cupboard was safe. But not now... and I AM Katycakes again & the avatar is ME. How? I didn't see it coming but know it started a few weeks back. Head unravelling, paranoia edging in, past coming back at me. That bus that can run you down that you were always warning me about KD. I looked and looked for it, but when it came it came so slowly I didn't think it could possibly be a danger. And here I am.
OK. Enough self-pity. Strong Katy... about to text her CDC. I am not hopeful on the counselling front, she doesn't do that, but I DO need supplies. Just handed daughter over to spend a day with friend who goes to boarding school these days. Don't see her mum much, she said 'god, but you've lost a ton of weight!' Kept smiling. Want to be slim Katy, strong Katy.
Strength to be got from knowing it took you a long time KD to sort out the cravings, the compulsions, to get to a steady, safe place with eating. Last three months I thought I was there, but just paddling in the shallows. Now I am out of my depth and scared, but I can do it. Back to the shallows for now, then learning to swim.
(Reading above ramble, I think I have gone mad, but it makes sense to me!)
Thanks all of you. Hugs. Without you... hmmm. Don't even want to think about that.
xxx