Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[KD]

I don't deserve to be slim, so I guess I will do everything in my power to make sure I'm not...
Sorry guys. Just trying to kick myself up the bum and snap out of this.

xxx

Hey Katy. Ditch the critic Who deserves to be slim? Do naturally slim people deserve it? It's not a case of whether you deserve it or not.

Rename yourself Katy. You have done so well to get to this point with your weight, so how about Strong Katy? After all, you've shown tremendous strength, so why not?

Right, so next time the kitkats or whatever call, what would Strong Katy do?

If one of your children came home with a school report and each subject said

Good work.
Focused
Made brilliant progress this year
Has really worked hard and has the results to prove it.

and then a couple of subjects said
Struggles a little with this part of the curriculum
Will get there, just needs to revise some sections.

So, what would you say to your child? Stupid? Failure? You don't deserve to do well?

I'm sure you wouldn't. You'd probably be dead proud of them. Give yourself the same respect. Hold your head up high.

 

[Katycakes]

Serena, Greeneyes, KD. I do not deserve your kindness, horrible little self-pitying me. Made me cry AGAIN.
Then again, as KD says, why don't I deserve it? Why can't I allow myself to be looked after for a bit, to receive a hug as well as to give one? Why can't I be slim? Why be so hard on myself? KNOW this is all skewed thinking, that my head is playing games with me. I have put on half a stone, more if you measure from my lowest weight, 10 9, but I cannot panic. I cannot let the mindless self-harm style of eating consume me again. I WON'T.
I am wobbly, so just need to be aware of that and make allowances. Kitkats all gone, (thanks to me) snickers bars in cupboard redeployed to son's room. He bought me a big carrot cake yesterday to cheer me up... he is 17, doesn't get it, who would? Thought I was back to 'normal', old mum who could always feel better after a slice of cake, a bar of choc (or three). And that was always the tip of the iceberg, of course.
Katycakes... I know what you mean. But that nickname was fine until this week. And the sad faced avatar, was fine, just a reminder of who i used to be. And the choc in the cupboard was safe. But not now... and I AM Katycakes again & the avatar is ME. How? I didn't see it coming but know it started a few weeks back. Head unravelling, paranoia edging in, past coming back at me. That bus that can run you down that you were always warning me about KD. I looked and looked for it, but when it came it came so slowly I didn't think it could possibly be a danger. And here I am.
OK. Enough self-pity. Strong Katy... about to text her CDC. I am not hopeful on the counselling front, she doesn't do that, but I DO need supplies. Just handed daughter over to spend a day with friend who goes to boarding school these days. Don't see her mum much, she said 'god, but you've lost a ton of weight!' Kept smiling. Want to be slim Katy, strong Katy.
Strength to be got from knowing it took you a long time KD to sort out the cravings, the compulsions, to get to a steady, safe place with eating. Last three months I thought I was there, but just paddling in the shallows. Now I am out of my depth and scared, but I can do it. Back to the shallows for now, then learning to swim.
(Reading above ramble, I think I have gone mad, but it makes sense to me!)
Thanks all of you. Hugs. Without you... hmmm. Don't even want to think about that.

xxx

 

[Julie Williams]

((((((hugs))))))))honey you do deserve to be thin and you will get there keep your chin up!!!!!!!xxxx

 

[aussieraquel]

Oh my gosh Katy.......before minis I thought I was the only one who had conflicting thoughts, and even though I know that I shouldnt be thinking that way, I still did.

We are all here to listen to your thoughts and support you, now matter what! No matter how crazy you think your thoughts sound, haha

I myself know I have rambled many a time on minis recently - but must admit I felt so good once I got the thoughts out of my head.

I bet all this thinking and way of negative thoughts prob happened after you hopped on the scale too? Sometimes the scale is not our friend, because one viewing of a number we dont feel is 'acceptable' and we plunge into the darkness, worried and feeling sorry for ourselves that we will never get out.......but we can, we just need to calm ourselves and our minds first.

Maybe when you are in a better mindset come back and read the post you have written and you will see that it is all in your head, your mind playing tricks with you - That you are such a beautiful, kind person, who has worked so hard to get where you are and should be feeling good and positive about yourself!

 

[Porgeous]

Hey there hun, I know I haven't been around much but just wanted to chip in. Why are we so darned hard on ourselves all the time, I know it's a cliché but there is none of us perfect. Sadly there is no magic wand and takes time, effort and believe it or not the odd scenic detour to get where we ultimately want to be. The bottom line is that you have achieved an enormous amount and still continue to do so, okay so it may not be exactly as you envisaged or even how you planned but that is all part of the process or as my Dad would say "part of life's rich tapestry". Each time we do something we learn from it, sometimes the outcome is positive, sometimes not so much but in both instances we learn and that is the key. Keep an open mind and please don't sit in judgement of yourself, you will crack this but it is unrealistic to put a pressure on yourself to always make the "right" decisions every time… especially when sometimes the "wrong" ones are so much more fun!!!
Keep smiling hunni
xxxx

 

[LellyCD]

hey katy

:hug99:big hugs hunny, you are worth all the hugs we give you, you are a strong and determined person, negative thoughts get us all sometimes, kick out those thoughts and remember all the good things in your life!!

pinched this from SJ website, i've been doing this myself today!!

Susan Jeffers :: Affirmation of the day


Have a good day hunny
xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Thank you all. CDC did turn up... I was convinced she would forget me as it had been 6 weeks since saw her last. Weighed 11 4, no surprise there. Before she came, ate 4 oatcakes with marmite... even after reading nice things people posted earlier. Why?
CDC suggested I do 1000 as more scope for fitting it in to real life, and I looked at book and realized I hadn't been doing anything by the book, so from now I will try. You are allowed a brekky on 1000 so will have an egg 'brekky' for lunch. That should shut up the cravings. And I can still have food later on.
Feel so, so stupid. But I am so glad you are all there. Can't believe I have let this happen... like I have fallen down a well and trying to climb out, but not sure if I can. And all the time chatting happily to those around me as if nothing at all is wrong.
Thank you, thank you, thank you... for caring.

xxx

 

[KD]

especially when sometimes the "wrong" ones are so much more fun!!!
Keep smiling hunni
xxxx

LOL, that did make me laugh

Very true though, and isn't it a darn waste when we don't appreciate the moment and instead get out the hair vest and whip ourselves.

 

[Bess]

Why can't I be slim? Why be so hard on myself?

xxx

Katy my love, you are slim.

5'8" & 11st = slim.

Hard on your self - that's a shame, but we all understand because we have been there, some of us very recently.
Be gentle with yourself and stop looking over the edge .....you aren't going to fall over.
Holiday over, festival done, back to normal life again with all it's stresses and strains.....now what would you say to one of us who felt as you do?

I saw this painted on a wall recently - I know it comes from a saying that I can't remember just now, but it I smiled each time I remember it:

'All shall be well.'

It will be for you too.

:hug99:

 

[sleepybird]

Oh Katy, you make me cry reading your struggles as I know exactly where you are coming from re your struggles. Katy, you are a witty, intelligent woman who cares about everyone else but forgets to reward herself with how well she has done to get to where she is today.
Let me guess, when you saw your friend the other day and she commented on how much weight you had lost, did a part of you think, "if only you had seen me a few weeks/months ago when I was slimmer then I am now!"
Just guessing and if you reply "Um...no" then fair enough but I know the whole tentative feeling of the weight loss being a temporary thing and things will go back to normal...ie get fat again real soon.
Good on you for going back to your CDC, takes a lot of guts that and I look forward on seeing your posts. Like Tony the tiger, you're Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!! :flowers:xxx

 

[Bess]

like I have fallen down a well and trying to climb out, but not sure if I can.
xxx

Oh yes you can, we are all here reaching out to you. xx

 

[Katycakes]

isn't it a darn waste when we don't appreciate the moment and instead get out the hair vest and whip ourselves.

KD, so wise. I know. I do. A world of difference between eating my fave (& very calorific) cake in my fave lovely tea rooms, a rare treat but one I always LOVE... and stuffing down the kitkats, bakewells, coconut cookies, white bread, etc. I had brought my mum a bar of liqueur choc from france and almost scoffed that too, but shame stopped me. The cake experience - heaven. The binge experience - hell. Self-harm with sugar. Why???

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Bess, thank you... for all of your lovely post, well, both of them... but especially for the All Shall Be Well. Just washed over me like a wave of calm. It will be my mantra today. You are right... and you are kind. And I appreciate it.

Sleepy, love ya hon. Thanks for being there.

Y'know, now have this vision of me in well with all of you guys leaning down and hauling me up bit by bit with wise words and kindness and a rope knotted together from old CD bar wrappers... thank you.

xxx

 

[Serena A]

Let me guess, when you saw your friend the other day and she commented on how much weight you had lost, did a part of you think, "if only you had seen me a few weeks/months ago when I was slimmer then I am now!"

Been there done that too

 

[Serena A]

Hey Katy - hope you are feeling "well"?!! Sorry, terrible pun I know but you're right, we are all helping you (and each other) so remember we are all in it together xx

 

[Katycakes]

Lol Serena... you made me smile. Quite an achievement today! All in it together? The well? Eeek!

I'm OK, just had boiled egg & multigrain toast for lunch, yummy & satisfying. Got hot choc to look forward to later and then tea. I can do this. I CAN.

xxx

 

[aussieraquel]

yes you can do it Katy!! xoxo

 

[Laura Croft]

 

[Katycakes]

Thank you Laura... and Raquel... still struggling. Will post again in morning, feeling bad right now.

xxx

 

[Porgeous]

Thank you Laura... and Raquel... still struggling. Will post again in morning, feeling bad right now.

xxx

Talk to us hun, we're here for you x