Mmmm thai food and ginger and lemon water!

[thetimeisright]

Time to be honest with myself!

OK it is time for a major confession and time to get honest, please bear with me as this could get long winded!

The big confession:

My relationship with food is terrible at the moment, I am ashamed to say that I am having 3 foodpacks a day, a tub of cottage cheese and some (not a huge amount) of chocolate. But this is the really bad bit - I have started taking laxetives - something I haven't done in years and years. I started when I got back from my holiday - just an odd one to help me go but this is getting bad - I spent the whole day on the loo a couple of days ago because I took four in one go and it made me really ill. Do you think I learnt my lesson - nope - yesterday I took two. Am I losing weight - nope - because I am using it as an excuse to eat chocolate. Am I in control - NO!!!

So, it is out there, it is no longer my dirty little secret and I know I need to do something before I think a diet of cottage cheese and laxetives is the way to live my life.

Today I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching. My biggest problem is I am no longer motivated to do Cambridge or Lighter Life - I am only just over a stone over my personal target and I am wearing my size 12s - admittedly they are a bit tight but I am in them.

I think unless you are absolutely desparate to stick to this diet, it can be the hardest diet in the world just as it can be the easiest when you are in the zone! So 10 days solid of messing around with sole sourcing and at best I am only 2-3 pounds down (despite the laxitives).

For the future I had purchased a copy of the food doctor diet - thinking I could use it to introduce a healthy eating regime when I got to goal. I got it through the post today and it looks really interesting and the food looks tasty.

Tomorrow is CD weigh in and I have been debating whether to go.

In my heart of hearts I know I am not motivated enough to really hop back on the bandwagon and SS or 790 to my goal weight. My relationship with food is deteriorating and my self esteem and self worth is deteriorating every time I eat something I feel I shouldn't (is that feel or is that know I shouldn't??).

So, my thinking is that I would really really like to give the food doctor a try. One of my "things" when I was on management was to incorporate superfoods into my diet, I worry about free radicals and cancer and I think that eating correctly will help me combat this fear of cancer (it helped my anxieties on this no end feeling that I am being active in eating foods that actively fight free radicals).

However, I want to have read the diet from cover to cover, I want to really understand it before I jump in. Normally I just do things on a whim - I started LL on a whim without any real research. I want to get the foods in and prepare myself mentally for this.

So I think I am going to go to see my CDC tomorrow and get my packs. I am going to continue to take them and try to introduce a sensible 790 evening meal for the next week (or until I feel ready).

I have just been belly dancing with friends for the first time and I have joined a gymn this week and already gone swimming a couple of times.

I therefore think that my course of action is going to be CD for a week, then I am going to try to lose or maintain my weight using the food doctor diet principles and I want to partake in exercise at least three times a week.


Sorry this got long winded, but, I think it is essential for my own "healing" process to admit this and to put down a logical plan of action that includes sensible healthy eating and exercise.

Finally, I need to admit to myself that whilst I would like to lose another stone I quite like where I am. I want my kids to see a "normal" size mum - not one that is too fat and likewise not one that is too thin either. I think a nice rounded size 12/14 is ok and I want the kids to think that this size is normal not a size 8 and not a size 20 (really no offence to anyone with that comment - after all I started at a size 22/24).

I am quite enjoying just being me. Tonight at the dancing I didn't get out of breath really and I know there is no way on gods earth I would have been able to do this 6 months ago without passing out half way through.

I think I need to look at how far I have come and celebrate that - not beat myself up that I didn't reach a "goal weight".

Sorry for the length of this I do feel better for the mass confession though lol!

 

[Russiandoll]

Hi
I think you've been very brave to come out and confess all in the way you have. Sometimes doing that can have a very cathartic effect: we don't feel the burden as heavily if we're not carrying something around like a shameful secret.

Truth is, neither of the things you ate were bad. Cottage cheese is positively good and a moderate amount of chocolate isn't bad either. It's the guilty label you attached to it that did the damage and then turned it into something it wasn't. Then came the twisted logic to 'put it right' (I'm somewhat an expert in twisted logic - I apply it so often to my own life!)

I've been in the same wretched place psychologically speaking: not so long ago I ate a 2 finger kit-kat. No biggie - 107 cals - so what - but I thrashed myself so much about how 'weak' I was that I then stood by the kitchen bin and ceremoniously opened the other five kit-kats in the packet and ate them all, tucking the wrappers in amongst the rubbish so they couldn't be detected. It smacked of the parent who, when they find their errant child smoking a cigarette, stands over them and makes them smoke the entire packet as a punishment.

So you're not alone in conducting self-destructive behaviour. You're right to acknowledge how far you've come and all that you've achieved though. You're also showing great wisdom in recognising that perhaps SSing is no longer for you.

I recently had to face that fact myself and spent several turbulent days wrestling with what I was going to do. I've finally decided to have 2 CD packs per day and a healthy meal. It will (hopefully) allow me limited contact with food but still give me the tight control that I seem to need to lose weight (I still have a fair way to go and can't let things slip now).

I applaud your honesty and wish you the very best for the future - you deserve to have the very best life has to offer.

 

[dizzy-n-mizzy]

You are so right this diet is the easiest in the world when you are in the zone and desperate. It is also really so difficult when that desperation leaves you and you are happy with yourself. I am at the same place as you in that respect. Happy with my size too and it is so hard to get into the zone. Maintainance is a harder goal because it has no end. I'm confused too about my long term plans and feel like I'm learning about myself and eating habits and impulses again so that I know what i'm dealing with.

Please chuck away the laxatives and how about a 'not in the house' rule for chocolate or 'only dark chocolate' rule. I don't know this is the right thing to do though it is just something I would try.

Will be looking out for you.

Dizzy x

 

[CLUCKS]

Please read this one xxx

OK it is time for a major confession and time to get honest, please bear with me as this could get long winded!

The big confession:

My relationship with food is terrible at the moment, I am ashamed to say that I am having 3 foodpacks a day, a tub of cottage cheese and some (not a huge amount) of chocolate. But this is the really bad bit - I have started taking laxetives - something I haven't done in years and years. I started when I got back from my holiday - just an odd one to help me go but this is getting bad - I spent the whole day on the loo a couple of days ago because I took four in one go and it made me really ill. Do you think I learnt my lesson - nope - yesterday I took two. Am I losing weight - nope - because I am using it as an excuse to eat chocolate. Am I in control - NO!!!

So, it is out there, it is no longer my dirty little secret and I know I need to do something before I think a diet of cottage cheese and laxetives is the way to live my life.

Today I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching. My biggest problem is I am no longer motivated to do Cambridge or Lighter Life - I am only just over a stone over my personal target and I am wearing my size 12s - admittedly they are a bit tight but I am in them.

I think unless you are absolutely desparate to stick to this diet, it can be the hardest diet in the world just as it can be the easiest when you are in the zone! So 10 days solid of messing around with sole sourcing and at best I am only 2-3 pounds down (despite the laxitives).

For the future I had purchased a copy of the food doctor diet - thinking I could use it to introduce a healthy eating regime when I got to goal. I got it through the post today and it looks really interesting and the food looks tasty.

Tomorrow is CD weigh in and I have been debating whether to go.

In my heart of hearts I know I am not motivated enough to really hop back on the bandwagon and SS or 790 to my goal weight. My relationship with food is deteriorating and my self esteem and self worth is deteriorating every time I eat something I feel I shouldn't (is that feel or is that know I shouldn't??).quote]



Hi hun

I too have skeletons - I just announced them in my new diary thread in the 'diary forum' - have a read then you will see that you are not alone!

Sending you a ((((HUG)))) - is horrible to feel so out of control!

 

[kazz]

Dont feel bad hun, get rid of the laxatives though, cos they will really mess you up. It doesnt matter wat diet you are on as long as it is working for you and making you happy, but the laxatives are so dangerous and you dont need to be doing that to yourself hun

And theres no 'dirty little secrets' on minis....remember everyone is here to support you!!

 

[thetimeisright]

Debbie, I have been addicted to your diary the past few days because you put in writing very elequently (sp?) everything I am feeling and I can see the same debates going on in my own head. Your logic is so like mine (or lack of it sometimes) and the responses you have had have been very helpful to me.

I completely empathise with what you have said about hiding wrappers - I do that too, often putting my hands to the bottom of a dirty bin just to hide a wrapper. Like you I also force feed myself additional chocolate - as if it is some sort of punishment. I am losing all control I had, and all the counselling in the world isn't helping with that.

I need to get a grip.

Dizzy, thank you so much for your reply. I have all the chocolate in the boot of the car now - which is fine until I find myself stopping on a main road to get some out to eat on the school run.

This all needs rethinking and I need to get rid of all traces of chocolate, I can't be trusted and I refuse to stop once I start (not vast amounts but I will happily sneak a bar or two a day) - I used to eat 8 bars a day and I desparately don't want to go back there and one bar is turning into two and this is time to STOP!

Thank you both for your replies, I am very touched.

 

[thetimeisright]

Clucks - I will go read your diary now.

Kazz, I will try to throw away the laxitives but I have a feeling that as much as I want to, I'm not ready to do that quite yet (being completely honest). I know it is bad, really bad ...

 

[kazz]

Kazz, I will try to throw away the laxitives but I have a feeling that as much as I want to, I'm not ready to do that quite yet (being completely honest). I know it is bad, really bad ...

Hun, I'm just worrying about the impact they can have on your health if you continue to use them, thats all I mean by them being bad. I cant even imagine how you are feeling right now, but no matter wat feelings you have please please please post them on here....you seem to be in such turmoil at the moment that keeping them to yourself could be very destructive. Remember there will always be someone here to support you, no matter how you are feeling

 

[dizzy-n-mizzy]

I too have a similar relationship to bingeing as you and Debbie. It feels like it is my way of punishing myself. Self harming, doesn't feel like comfort. I need my sleep I am definitely worse when tired.

We are so in the same place and have had a similar journey. Check out my ticker.

Dizzyx

 

[thetimeisright]

Dizzy, I will read your thread tomorrow, I have to go to bed because I'm not coping well with mornings at the moment lol. I promise though that I will read and maybe we can help each other? Oh and you are so right about it being a form of self harming not comfort. In fact before I hit the sack I am going to do a bit of a ramble on that as it has set off a whole chain of thoughts.

Kazz, I know exactly what you mean and where you are coming from - you are completely right the laxitives are bad, very very bad and I am dealing with it, but I need to do it in my own time, just like getting this down in writing had to be done when I was ready.

Thank you everyone for your support, it is very appreciated.

 

[dizzy-n-mizzy]

Dizzy, I will read your thread tomorrow, I have to go to bed because I'm not coping well with mornings at the moment lol. I promise though that I will read and maybe we can help each other? Oh and you are so right about it being a form of self harming not comfort. In fact before I hit the sack I am going to do a bit of a ramble on that as it has set off a whole chain of thoughts.

Kazz, I know exactly what you mean and where you are coming from - you are completely right the laxitives are bad, very very bad and I am dealing with it, but I need to do it in my own time, just like getting this down in writing had to be done when I was ready.

Thank you everyone for your support, it is very appreciated.

You don't have to read my thread I don't know whether it wuld help you at all. I just mean't check out my ticker as we have lost the same amount of weight and have the same goal.

I need to sleep too.

Dizzy x

 

[CLUCKS]

Here to help one another

Hun
I need all the help I can get - tomorrow is 1st weigh in I'll have been abstaining for 4 days - got on the scales earlier - guess what they'd not flippin moved ... This could be a que to binge, or not! I'm not as I'm only 4 days in - I've already told myself that. I've got no money to buy pack and food - which on this occasion is only a good thing .

If we get together and PM I bet the similarities in our personalities will be huge as well - blimey good job we're not mates, no one would ever get in the loo after we'd eaten (lol).

But I'd love to help & I'd love any help that I can get.... It's the first time I've really come clean about my situation like you hun.

Night night - catch up tomorrow
Luv Clare xxx

 

[thetimeisright]

More ramblings!

Something Dizzy has said has just turned a light bulb on in my head and I want to do a bit of a ramble about it so that it doesn't keep me up all night!!

This binging/purging isn't about comfort eating, it is about self harming.

I have a very responsible job (actually I own my own business), I have won many awards for what I do, I am often invited to be on panels of successful business women and I am very fortunate to get to talk to very influential people (you wouldn't believe how influential, it is truly shocking some of the projects I have been involved in).

Until recently I was a governor of the kids school, I headed up the parents guild and I am active in the local community.

To outsiders I am very successful. But, there are always cash flow problems, staffing issues, stresses and strains - it is just nobody apart from the inside few know about these as the image always has to be shiny and polished and perfect.

In fact someone in the school playground last week said that I really have it all - a lovely family, a fabulously successful business, and a lovely new trim figure and image to go with it.

But, I don't feel like that, I feel it is all for show and that one day I will be found out to be what I am - someone who is struggling to pay the bills on time, a person who isn't confident, and is wracked with insecurities.

I think that I have used food all my grown up life to show an "imbalance" that I am not perfect at all but now I have lost weight I have lost that imperfection - that thing that made me human and someone who could talk to anyone and everyone in the playground because I was a jolly happy no threat sort of person. Suddenly, who I am seems to have changed - or who other people think I am is probably more accurate.

So I have been self harming or sabataging myself - I want to have something in my life I'm not in control of, something that controls me. My way of self harming - I may not be cutting myself but this is having the same effect really isn't it?

Please if you do know or think you know who I am please please don't out me, I like being annonymous on here and hope that I haven't done myself an injustice by being so open and honest.

 

[thetimeisright]

You don't have to read my thread I don't know whether it wuld help you at all. I just mean't check out my ticker as we have lost the same amount of weight and have the same goal.

I need to sleep too.

Dizzy x

Dizzy, I have followed your thread when I used to post on here, I just haven't been keeping up.

We have lost the same, I noticed that.

Get a good nights sleep and thanks again.

 

[thetimeisright]

Hun
I need all the help I can get - tomorrow is 1st weigh in I'll have been abstaining for 4 days - got on the scales earlier - guess what they'd not flippin moved ... This could be a que to binge, or not! I'm not as I'm only 4 days in - I've already told myself that. I've got no money to buy pack and food - which on this occasion is only a good thing .

If we get together and PM I bet the similarities in our personalities will be huge as well - blimey good job we're not mates, no one would ever get in the loo after we'd eaten (lol).

But I'd love to help & I'd love any help that I can get.... It's the first time I've really come clean about my situation like you hun.

Night night - catch up tomorrow
Luv Clare xxx

LOL night Clare, don't binge, go to bed. That is what I am going to do now before I start eating again LOL.

We will speak again tomorrow.

 

[CLUCKS]

I bloody told you!!!!!

OMG
We are running parallell lives luv - tell you what, I'll leave it for this evening as you've had a bit of a heavy one & tomorrow I'll tell you all about why, like you I am self destructive!
Try to get yourself some rest hun
Luv Clare xxx

 

[thetimeisright]

OMG
We are running parallell lives luv - tell you what, I'll leave it for this evening as you've had a bit of a heavy one & tomorrow I'll tell you all about why, like you I am self destructive!
Try to get yourself some rest hun
Luv Clare xxx

LOL I won't sleep for curiosity now!!

 

[dizzy-n-mizzy]

Night Girls. I will sleep I am shuttered!

Dizzy x

 

[thetimeisright]

Good night Dizzy, I am going up now too.

Thanks again.

 

[CLUCKS]

Ok then..... See what you think

Hmmm
Well I am 36, married, 2 kids & a dog.

My Dad's got bladder cancer & my mums just had a prolapsed bowl operated on - successfully but still worrys me a bit. My mum tries to help all she can but currently not allowed to do anything other than listen - but I can't tell her the real story, christ she's 70!

I am general manager for a company & have 40 staff report directly to me, majority men (big bloody babies) but also 4 girls from 20 - 36 who ALL have crisis after crisis that I deal with from car troubles to abortions! You name it they come to me for help!

In the past I have worked 18 hour days as I used to be soooo busy - this has now subsided but I do min 8 - 10 hours Mon - Fri. I am accountable for the predictions, budgets, service levels, & accountablility - that's without having to deal with the day to day operation issues - BUT I'M VERY VERY GOOD AT IT - thats the truth!

I am also a business partner, which operates hand in hand with my managers position but am constantly worry about receiving monies in, contracts, what'll we do if it all goes wrong.

I am married - though wanted to leave about 6-9 months ago (thats another story) because I felt trapped and unahppy - not his fault really.... mine!

I've got 2 fantastic kids in the Autumn my daughter was the target of bullies, I don't do tears but went to work 3 days on the bounce & sobbed at my desk because I couldn't help her! My son can be very naughty - defiant & rude but so very loving, he drives my to the wine bottle sometimes.

I have a large ish salary, nice car & 3 bed house, good job, friends, not a bad size I'm a 14 - 16. I'm not ugly, always take care of hair, nails make up....

EVERYTHING on the OUTSIDE looks fantastic - like you people in general often compliment me telling me "i don't know how you do it" etc etc.

On the inside I'm crying out for help - no one knows that my house is dirty, the curtains poles have fallen down, the gardens a ****ing mess, I've got shitloads of ironing to do. My credit cards maxed out & guess what I've still got to get the weekly shop in - so while I'm there I'll fill half the trolley up with food & wine that I can stuff then puke - coz thats really really going to help me isn't it!...... The saddest thing is there's no one left for me to turn to, who's going to help a fat, greedy ***** that brings it all on herself?????

Well hun, there ya go - warts an all & do you know what that's the first time I've EVER told the world exaactly how I feel about my 'perfect life' thats far from it. I actually had a tear in my eye earlier - realising how really really unhappy I am xxx