Been up since 4am, thinking about the play I'm directing and just how I'm gonna get it from page to stage in 4 weeks and just how mad I am for doing things like that in the first place and then my mind...as usual...turned to my weight..the journey I started last February on my sons 8th birthday is fast approaching the one year mark...
You may have heard it all before as I embark upon my many restarts but I lost almost 5stone from feb-july then have messed around somewhat with last stone and maintaining...juy-now has been 10times harder than the first initial burst of energy and rapid weight loss!
So I got back down to 11st 1lb up until 20th December, I have eaten..OK had some serious binges these last almost 2 weeks and the damage..OMG the damage is exactly 1stone...WTF??? So this has got to be it this time..i cant afford to be messing around and i want to shift almost 2 stone by 14th february..my sons birthday and one year on since starting at 15st 7!
So I must remember how far i have come without mulling over my lapses and i must must must deal with my relationship with food..like now its my enemy other times..like anxious times its still my enemy but disguises itself as my friend!
Never really done a diary before just popped in and out of other threads and lurked somewhat but this is it I'm in diary mode..
Got WI tonight and I know my LLC will be supportive and my weight gain will probably be insignificant when everyone else is wrapped up in their own weight loss world..well thats what Im hoping! Im joining a management group but that doesnt feel appropriate as im not maintaining Im gaining and restarting...maybe i should suggest starting again in the 100 day group and move to management before the end of 100 days...that feels like taking a step back but maybe thats what i need..to rethink! reassess! face up to it that Im not nearly there..also Im aiming for 9stone 7lb this time and not a loose 'about 10stone'..my goal is clear..getting there seems somewhat murky however...
feeling disappointed with myself
feeling like i have let myself down
feeling like i want to hide away after what the scales say
feeling lucky that i have found a plan that i know works
feeling like its better to start the year at 12st 1 than 15st 7 as in 2006
feeling fat...i guess thats a good place to start!
Not gonna put off and start tomorrow..starting now..i can hear the bubbles of my H2O fizzing around in their pint glass...i vaguely remember fitting into a size 12 comfortably in july...
BRING IT ON! LET BATTLE COMMENCE!