After processing some really huge emotions yesterday I've come out to a much better place today.
But I've also realised that doing this diet is about finding a weight and size where I'm comfortable at - not what any doctor or calculator tells me I should be at. So I've decided to lose another stone, get down to 13st and then if I'm happy where I am I'll allow myself to go to RTM. If I choose to lose more weight from there, it will be because I want to lose more and because I'm happy with doing so.
I also realised that if I go skinnier than I'm happy with, I'll just end up not being able to maintain because I wont WANT to keep at that weight.
Last 2 days I've been lapsing because my mind cannot cope with the fact that when I will lose another 3 stone from where I am, I feel like in a way I will be losing part of me. All of my adult life I've been that weight and size and it's getting used to a different sort of attention from people - not feeling overlooked any more, feeling like I could be attractive to people. That's powerful and hard to get used to because before although I didn't realise it, my weight was like a shield and a security blanket. If I can settle on a weight where I am Comfortable being at, then it should help me to adjust to that, and not feel like I'm getting used to living in a skeleton, AND all the changes associated.
I feel SO much better for making this decision. I can cope with losing another stone, and settling at that if I want to. It feels fine to me. BMI is just a number. So is body fat percentage. Psychological well being is much more important than either of those.