please make us laugh!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and
another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will
you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the f*** do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f***in' cat at home!!!

Gail x
 
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had
no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even
said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came
back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why,thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be knackered if he needed
glasses'.
 
I've been sitting at my desk chuckling for some time now. I'm getting looks!

Sent from my Desire HD using MiniMins
 
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
 
gl12282 said:
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
Click to expand...

Lol gail this made me laugh out loud! X
 
IRISH DIESEL FITTER
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto
ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
£160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'



GO ON,
ADMIT IT.... YOU ARE SMILING.......
 
I didnt want to believe that my neighbour was stealing from his work as a road maintenance man. I tried to ignore it but when I got home, all the signs were there...
 
Another very un-PC one coming up.
Avert your eyes.

Ethel and Stan were good friends, both in the same nursing home. They used to sit together at all the events: bingo afternoons, sing alongs, bus trips, everything.
One day there's a new lady at the nursing home: Dot.
Gradually Stan starts sitting with Dot more and more often, and Ethel starts to miss him. So when she manages, for once, to find him on his own in the corridor, she asks him why he always sits with Dot now.
"Well", says Stan, "she holds my d**k."
"Oh", says Ethel. "I could do that if you wanted".
"Yes, you could", admits Stan. "But Dot has Parkinson's."


...

Sorry. I'll get my coat.
 
That's so funny! You can take your coat off, stay a while! xx
 
Well, if I'm staying...


A man works on the buses, collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is found guilty of murder and he’s sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he sits in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes", answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that’s never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. As luck would have it, it's the same executioner.
He is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply.
Again the bloke sits in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out the whole city. When the smoke clears the man is still sitting there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
Of course it's the same executioner: why wouldn't it be.
The executioner rigs up the whole state’s electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his nemesis this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What’s your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still there, alive and grinning, and without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don’t understand how you can still be alive after all that". He stroked his chin. "It’s something to do with those green bananas, isn’t it?" he asked.
"Nah" said the bloke,
"I’m just a really bad conductor".

...


Now I'll go, before the lynch mob comes for me!
 
How does Batman's mother call him for tea?

She doesn't. She was murdered
--------------

My recliner and me go way back

--------------

Why do rabbits have fur?

Because they would look stupid in raincoats.

--------------

"You're not my real ladder!" I shouted at my step-ladder

--------------
 
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum

Mary Quismus
 
Now dare I add this one..............here goes..........

A man comes home from work and his wife is watching a cooking programme on T.V. he is quite angry.

"What are you watching that for, you watch cookery programmes all day and you cannot cook "

She replies, cool as a cucumber " and you my dear watch porno films all night but can not ****"
 
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