RD's life diary: I'm back (sort of)

sounds like a good plan of gentle re-introduction.
having all thats going on to cope with isn't conducive to harsh regimes so look after you 4 now & the rest will follow when you are more up to it
 
Hi RD,
Good to see someone being sensible, i've just had a gruesome week diet wise, to be fair i was on a ferry with very poor food choice available for four days, can't understand why there are not better/healthier choices available in this day and age... anyway, consequently i have put on and been lurking and not updated my diary recently. Sure sign of a guilty conscience :rolleyes:

I think you are making a sensible decision to eat heathily and ease yourself back into a regular regime, so best of luck with it.

Glad to see your dad's party went well, hopefully you can kick back and take a bit of time for yourself now ;)
 
Good RD, that all sounds spot on. You know as well as I do that softly softly can work and the avoidance of extra stress for you right now is vital. I've had some interesting 'chats' with Karion this weekend. She makes so much sense, I can feel myself slipping into a more 'aware' phase, which is about time!

Its taken me along time to get to this weight, lb by lb and it will take a long time to get rid of. Thats ok and it is for you too.

Be kind to yourself Debbie, I know life is really tough right now and I so wish it would improve.

By eating well, taking in lots of healthy vitamins and minerals you should at least feel better physically. Thats progress!

Love
 
Thanks for the wonderful words of encouragement girls - it really helps :)
Well, I'm back from the shops ... as usual it was a nightmare getting shoes for Sophie. She's only 11 but has size 6E feet - so long and skinny she needs canoes not shoes! I tried to save money by attempting to get shoes from standard shoe shops but everything she tried on just gaped around her feet so we ended up at Clarks again where I had to shell out £36 for something that fitted. Even they slipped around her heels a bit but it was the best they could do (and if you can't get shoes to fit at Clarks then you can't get them anywhere!)

A new rucksack, some stationery and a new pair of trousers later and we returned home with me having spent double what I'd set aside originally. I was gutted but you can't mess about with a kids' feet I suppose.

Right - off to cook dinner. :)
 
Hello RD, just caught up on yhe last 4 weeks of your diary.

I think the very fact that you're still uprught let alone able to think positively & retain your sense of humour is quite amazing.

Agree with the others: stop being so self critical. OK you may be more over weight at present than you can live comfortably with but you have so many other positive physical & personality characteristics, not leat of which is holding your family together through all this summer's mayhem.

Love the new eating plan.
Big hugs & pats on the back to you.
 
Lovely to read you having such a positive outlook RD and the plan sounds like it's both do-able and sensible :D It's a pig about kids feet but you're right... can't mess about when it comes to shoes! Nightmare! lol

Hope you've had some of this lovely sunshine today :D xx
 
Just took DD4 to school - her first day at Secondary school ... help, my baby is growing up too fast!!
She said her heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of her mouth - poor thing; I know she'll feel better by the end of the day though (first day nerves are awful aren't they).

I remember my first day as a 'fresher' at Uni this time last year - I felt as nervous as my youngest daughter ... would I make any friends? At MY age?? How would I ever find my way around the campus blah blah.

Of course, I made some lovely friends and I now know my way around the campus like the back of my hand; I start my second year on Monday and there will be a new batch of nervous freshers to take our place (I'll remember that when I see some poor person sitting on their own in the refrectory and ask if they want to join us until they get the chance to meet some buddies). The thing I'm now nervous about is the fact I've regained so much weight - what will people think??

Truth is, they probably won't think much - maybe a fleeting 'Oh, Deb's put on a bit of weight' and then that thought will be gone and we'll get on with catching up with gossip. The fact is I'm probably WAY more concerned about my appearance than anyone else - but aren't we all?

One thing I've noticed recently is that most slim people don't seem that bothered with the body shapes of others. It's overweight people or those who've been big but lost weight that seem most obsessed with their shape and everyone elses! I find myself constantly assessing other people's shape / weight no matter what I weigh myself.

When I'm very fat, it's 'I'm definitely fatter than her, and her, and her ...' and when I've lost weight, it's 'Am I thinner than her, or her, or her??' It's maddening!!
On the other hand, my very skinny mate at college said that, before I started CD, she didn't think of me as 'fat, but just as 'Deb'. In other words, I was just WHO I was, AS I was and it was irrelevent that I was big - she liked me just the same. It's ME that makes the mental connection of THIN ME = SUCCESSFUL ME. Strange thing is that I don't apply it to others though ... I know overweight people and think they're as nice / successful / capable as the next person. And I certainly don't think they're a failure because they're fat.
Oh well - just another insight into my odd psyche!!

I was surprised to see that my TOTM arrived again - 5 days early AGAIN. Maybe that explains my recent carb cravings. I haven't wanted fruit or chicken or tuna over the past few days but have craved nothing but cereal, crackers and pasta (not forgetting my aching desire for chocolate!). I was getting ready for this to happen around about now - but obviously my cycles are still a bit out of sorts since that jab in February.

My bestest Uni buddy texted me last night and asked if I wanted a bundle of CD shakes (flavours she doesn't like) to kick start my weight loss. I said she could swap them for flavours she likes with her CDC but she insisted she wanted me to have them. She knows my financial situation and I think she's just offering me them as a gift in a way which maintains my dignity a bit. Bless her kind heart.

Anyway, things to do, people to see so I'll check back later.
 
Hi Debbie, very interesting post and accurate to. I am sure only the weight consious are as aware of ourselves and others. I too wonder if I am bigger/smaller than others. It's all part of the obsessive behaviour I am currently trying to ditch. i know it is destructive to me to fixate on how I look compared with others and I have to stop it.
Hope Sophie gets on well today, if she as friendly and lovely as her Mum, she will do just fine!

Lots of love
 
Well, it's after 1.30am and I'm shattered as my oldest and dearest friend and her husband have just left my house. She had walked round earlier this evening, arriving on my doorstep totally distraught. She'd just found out her 24 year old daughter has cancer of the liver, bowel, lungs and ovaries: She begins an intensive course of chemo in a couple of weeks.

I've known my friend, hubby and kids for 21 years (I met my friend when I got a job just after I lost my son Alex) so have known the daughter since she was a toddler - she's like a niece to me. My friend was crying her eyes out (understandably). I rang her husband as he didn't know where she'd run to and so he came round as well. I just let them talk and made them cups of coffee. There are going to be tough times ahead for them all - the only thing I can do is to offer support whenever my friend needs it. Life can be do damned unfair :(
 
oh Debbie i don't know what to say, other than my thoughts will be with you & your dear friends at this most awful time.
All that you have been through & are going through really puts our insignificant weight woes into perspective.
sending you love & hugs
xx
 
pandora said:
oh Debbie i don't know what to say, other than my thoughts will be with you & your dear friends at this most awful time.
All that you have been through & are going through really puts our insignificant weight woes into perspective.
sending you love & hugs
xx
Click to expand...


says it all ... :(

much love xxxxxxx
 
Thanks Cheryl. I'm sitting here at the moment quite numb. I can't quite believe how many things are happening all at once - my life reads a bit like a soap at the moment (and a far-fetched one at that!)

Tonights news was a blow I could have done without because knowing my friend like I do, I have a horrible feeling that she's likely to collapse emotionally - I love her to bits, she so kind and caring, but gets very hysterical over the slightest thing concerning her kids. I can't begin to imagine how she must be feeling now: I'm so worried about her. There can be nothing worse than hearing such news about your child (even if that child is 24). I've put myself in her place and imagined how I'd feel if the news was about my Amy - I choked up even at the thought of it.

I've watched my friend's daughter grow up from a sweet little toddler into a lovely young woman and I just feel so sorry for everyone involved. She's been told that, even if they can manage to beat this into remission, she'll never have children.

I'm very, very tired ... time for bed :cry:
PS
Thanks Jennie xx
 
hope you manage some sleep, although i know so much going on in your head makes it doubtfull.
look after yourself
xx
 
Sheesh I feel like I haven't been asleep! My eyes are stinging ... early night tonight methinks!

I'm going into town after I've dropped her off to a) go to the C.A.B to see if I can be referred to see a financial adviser and b) check out all the charity shops to see if I can find a jacket that fits.

I'm back at Uni on Monday and haven't been able to afford the books from the booklist (I'll just have to 'wing it' for a while until I've got some cash) but I did have a go at writing the poem we're supposed to write for the first work-shop on Monday morning. Basically, you write the first draft of a poem and print off five copies. Then we're divided into small groups after the lecture and we have to give everyone a copy of the poem and read them out to the group. Then we all discuss and critique each others' poems. It's daunting at first because you're putting your work out for scrutiny but it's a useful exercise as people in the group might notice things you missed (like if you repeat the same word too often etc)

I've been writing some pretty dark, morose stuff lately (can't seem to access my 'happy place' at the moment) but I think I'll save those for a later date ... I managed to throw together a poem about my daughter's cat, which is a little less depressing so I'm using that for workshopping on Monday.

I feel less ravenous now that my TOTM is on day 2 - the raging carb craving has all but gone so hopefully I can move on with my diet.

More later ...
 
Oh Debs, what more is life going to throw at you! You have had a seriously dreadful year, yet you have remained positive throughout.

My heart goes out to you and your friend and her family, its such a worrying and upsetting time.

I read through your earlier post regarding how others perceive "larger" people, and I can totally agree with all that you said. Its the person within that counts, not the outside shell.

Chin up love and have a good a day as you possibly can x x x
 
Mind you don't end up shouldering too much more; I know you will want to be there for your friend but even you have your limits. I know you will be unable to stop caring and feeling sad but I am concerned for you as it seems that you are the one people come to. Try not to dwell on it too much and perhaps as she is so young she will respond brilliantly to the treatment and all will not be as bad as you all fear.

Try to have a reasonable day, thinking of you. Much Love
 
Hugs RD x
 
Hi Debbie

I am so deeply sorry to read about your friend's awful news about her daughter and just wanted to send you lots of love and strength at this time. I know there's nothing anyone can say that can make a dreadful situation any better but I just had to write and say that although I don't get on here as much as I used to, there are still people who mean a great deal to me here who helped me so much and inspired me while I was on my own weightloss journey - and you, more than most, are amongst them.

You're a very special lady and deserve all the good things life can bring. Have a wonderful 2nd year at Uni! I know you'll be a star again this year - just as you were last year :)

Lots of love
 
Thanks everyone :)

My friend sent me a text today thanking me for being there last night ... but that's what friends are for - and she's there for me too whenever I need her so it's not all one way.
Her daughter went to be fitted for a wig today and has been advised to have her hair cut short; it sounds so grim but as Barb said, she's young and strong so that's in her favour.

I went into town today to see someone at the CAB about our finances. I've been given some forms to fill in and have to return for a proper appointment on the 27th where a financial statement can be worked out. I feel better already for having taken that first step.

After that, I went and checked out several shops asking about jobs and will drop my CV off to them over the next day or so.

Good news on the jacket front ... As I mentioned before, I don't have a jacket that I can do up which made me quite miserable as I'm back at Uni on monday and don't want to look like an over-stuffed pillow trying to button up a jacket that is blatantly too small. However, we're skint so I thought I'd check out the charity shops today. I asked my guardian angels to make sure there was something half decent ... it's not easy to find jackets in my size in a charity shop (unless I fancy wearing aqua crimplene!) so I felt I needed some divine intervention!. Anyway, the very first shop I went into had a really funky long-line khaki combat-type jacket in my size REDUCED to £2.50!! It has 'student' written all over it (not literally you understand!) and fits a treat - I'm over the moon!

After that, I managed to get FOUR T-shirts in Evans for £12 ... three black and one brown (thought I could jazz them up with scarves etc). In another shop, I thought I'd try on one of those smock-type tops that was in the sale ... it looked gross (I looked ten months pregnant with triplets) but something in the changing rooms made me chuckle. In every cubicle, they had a poster advertising Slimming World!! I can just picture someone going purple in the face trying to squeeze into size 16 jeans looking up and seeing one of those posters :D

All in all, not a bad day. I'm pretty shattered though so I must try and have an early night.
 
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