The fat is back

Hi Paula

3 almonds??? shock horror!! lol. So did it stop at that or are you like me and it led to a bigger feast?????

Luv
 
:eek:Hi Karen, I know, I just read that and thought about Claudia Schiffer (sp) in an interview that I watched years ago saying that if she ate a square of chocolate she would spend an extra half an hour on the treadmill! :eek:

It actually ended up to be about 20 almonds. Was certain it would take me out of Ketosis, but, not at all hungry today...:)...not too sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, maybe it's let me know that there's something out there that I can eat!!!

Much better day today....feeling much happier, and not so shattered.

Me and hubby's talk on Saturday night was very alcohol fuelled on his part. He doesn't drink very often, I had quite a serious drink problem a few years back, and now, neither of us drink...maybe once or twice a year, so when he does drink, it's really very funny. He spilled his heart out telling me how happy he was, how very proud of me for being so strong, sticking to this and getting my @rse off to the gym. He said that he feels so proud to be walking next to me, and when anyone asks about my weight loss he grins from ear to ear. Since we've been living in Beijing, he's wanted to go skiing, but I've always said no, 'sore back', 'sore ankle' 'afraid of falling'. Well this winter, I was the one to bring the skiing trip up, and I didn't realise how wonderful that 'shall we go skiing at Spring Festival?' made him feel!


Anyhows, no walking this morning, well not since Thursday actually as it's been snowing. Went to the gym tonight and had a really good workout. Met a lady who'd seen me last Summer and couldn't believe how much I'd lost. She's a little large too and I told her about CD, I tell you, my 'dealer' in Singapore never saw the business coming when she first met me. I have given her contact details to at least 6 people!

I'm thinking of finding out about possibilities of becoming a CDC myself. Shall have to start a thread and see if it would be possible and how.

Love to you all and Nighty night!!
 
Wednesday already and a bloody cold one at that!

Went walking this morning and got a bit of a brain freeze, so cold that I felt like I'd been drinking slush puppies! Woooo! My teeth were really sensitive too, like biting ice cubes! Walked for about half an hour and when I got home, my face was sooooo numb! Checked the temperature when I got home ..... minus blooming 11 degrees! Haven't warmed up all day, so didn't go to the gym tonight, just came home, put on my jammies and curled up under the quilt!

Pretty good week so far. Have been walking twice and been to the gym twice. Think I'm gonna just go and curl up in bed now though! Still have loads of work to do, I know I'll be spending the whole weekend studying! Plus we have a Temple Fair at one of the schools to celebrate Chinese New Year on Saturday, so that'll take up half of my day....:eek:

Oh well...won't get anything done in todays frame of mind, so I'm gonna go and cwtch up!

Love to you all
 
Their gonna make a movie of the things that they find crawling round my brain!

:wave_cry::wave_cry:Should have wrote here last night, not too sure what the problem was with me, but I felt/feel so very, very depressed. I felt upset with my hubby, but there was no reason for me to be. I so very wanted to eat. I felt so sad that I hadn't eaten in four and a half months, except for over the Christmas period. I felt so sorry for myself and that other people just thought that that was what I should be doing, especially hubby.

I'm not sure whether the whole thing was tied in with us going for lunch at my favourite restaurant in the world yesterday. It was my suggestion, and from the very beginning of this diet, I knew that going to The Orchard would be the ultimate test for me. I didn't flinch, didn't even think about the fact that I was missing out on the the most amazing taste sensation Beijing can offer: organic fruits and vegetables grown in the surrounding orchard, fresh meats and fish from surrounding farms and home-grown herbs and spices...mmmmm......

Anyhow, The Orchard has an exclusive little boutique attached, selling hand-made clothes, jewelry, leather items and furniture. There was a gorgeous little peasant style dress that would look gorgeous on Eiriana and I was getting ready to get it when I realised I didn't have any cash on me. When I asked hubby, he looked at me and said 'no', that it was too expensive. Yes, so, it was a little pricey, about 28 pounds, but not even as close as what he'd just spent on lunch! I felt like a little kid throwing a tantrum, I felt really sad and I guess, shopping has become my new addiction since I've been doing CD. Retail therapy has been so satisfying when I have nothing to munch on. I guess, yesterday I felt so very unsatisfied. So very sad. So very empty.

So, I sulked, I threw a toddler tantrum and chose not to speak with hubby all day yesterday, or today so far!

This post is very disjointed, apologies to anyone who chooses to read, but, I think I was also a little annoyed that other people were not as excited and impressed with The Orchard. Hubby pushed his food around the plate complaining the whole time. Renata's husband joked about European style restaurants and their ridiculous prices and bad food, and Renata didn't really say much at all. I needed some 'food porn' as Kay calls it! I needed people to tell me how wonderful the food tasted, how beautiful the place was and what a good idea it was for me to suggest this place. I know that all this suggests insecurity and I just do not know where these emotions are coming from. I still feel fat, fat, fat. I still feel a little afraid that I won't be accepted, that others will joke about me when I eat, and that others may even be joking about the fact that I can't eat.

It goes on! Yesterday I had asked all of our staff to wear Chinese style clothes. I have two very nice jackets, both of which I haven't worn since Christmas. I haven't really lost much weight since Christmas, 4-5kgs, so thought that they would both be fine. But when I put them on yesterday, they were soooo big and looked like tents. I know I should've been happy, but I needed to show off my new figure, and baggy, tent like clothes don't do that so well! I sulked! And even though I had a million and one compliments from people who hadn't seen me for a while, I still felt so very self-concious, embarrassed and FAT!

Analyse this!

What's going on with Paula?


More and more still!

Have been exercising quite a lot since we came back 3 weeks ago and can already see a difference in my arms and shoulders especially. Muscles really becoming quite defined....but, my weight loss seems to be very slow and quite insignificant which is another cause of this dark mood I think. Just 0.6 KGS this week, just over a pound! I know, a pound is still a pound, but all of this exercise and still no food....no Orchard Salad and home-made bread!!!!! :( What's up with that?

I know that muscle is heavier than fat and that I'm building up my muscle now, but I need the fat and weight to be gone too!

What to do, what to do?

Anyhow, have a bucketful of work to do today, so need to get my @rse in gear and get it done, pull myself out of the darkness and realise how very far I have come.

hmmmmm
 
And.....

......I'm angry with myself for being so damn vain!

Why do I need people to see my new figure?
Why do I need others to comment on my new figure?
Why do I want people to tell me how beautiful I am?


Being that vain and needy doesn't sound like a beautiful person to me...
 
Oh Paula, I feel so sad after reading your post, I want to give you an almighty hug and sit up all night talking to you.

I've been following your diary, even though I haven't posted since our Christmas challenge, but now feel that I desperately want to say something helpful and encouraging but I don't know the right words and that makes me sadder.

I can understand everything you're saying and feeling and after being so strong up until Christmas it must feel very hard for you now. Christmas threw a spanner in the works for a lot of us and it'll take a little while to get our heads back in the right place but it WILL happen.

other people like your friends and hubby don't understand what's going on inside you and would no doubt be very upset if they knew how you felt and were keeping it to yourself.

I can get 'funny' with my husband sometimes and not speak to him (and quite often he doesn't notice which makes it worse!) for some things that to me are big but to him aren't important at all - and that's even when I'm not on this crazy diet.

you have done amazingly well and it won't be that long now before you are eating food again and going to the Orchard and enjoying their fabulous food. this is a short spell in your life taking you to a fabulous place. that doesn't mean when we get to our goal weight that our lives will magically transform but our achievements will be massive to us

keep posting in your diary and venting as much anger and frustration as you need as sometimes that alone helps

I'm thinking of you
 
Oh Paula, I feel so sad after reading your post, I want to give you an almighty hug and sit up all night talking to you.

I've been following your diary, even though I haven't posted since our Christmas challenge, but now feel that I desperately want to say something helpful and encouraging but I don't know the right words and that makes me sadder.

I can understand everything you're saying and feeling and after being so strong up until Christmas it must feel very hard for you now. Christmas threw a spanner in the works for a lot of us and it'll take a little while to get our heads back in the right place but it WILL happen.

other people like your friends and hubby don't understand what's going on inside you and would no doubt be very upset if they knew how you felt and were keeping it to yourself.

I can get 'funny' with my husband sometimes and not speak to him (and quite often he doesn't notice which makes it worse!) for some things that to me are big but to him aren't important at all - and that's even when I'm not on this crazy diet.

you have done amazingly well and it won't be that long now before you are eating food again and going to the Orchard and enjoying their fabulous food. this is a short spell in your life taking you to a fabulous place. that doesn't mean when we get to our goal weight that our lives will magically transform but our achievements will be massive to us

keep posting in your diary and venting as much anger and frustration as you need as sometimes that alone helps

I'm thinking of you


I felt you hug, your love and warmth,,,,thank you, thank you, thank you Dawn.

I hope all is well with you and have been thinking about you much since Christmas. Let me know how things are going with you, I'm feeling a lot more 'together' and a lot less 'me, me, me' today!
 
OK, embarrassment aside, my selfish, egotistical, paranoid and analytic self seems to have buried itself - for the time being anyhows!

Again, apologies to anyone who was brave enough to read through all the cr@p that reared it's ugly head in my diary this weekend!

After a whole afternoon crying, feeling so oh-so sorry for myself, I needed to eat. I have analysed this need today, and my choices, and I'm glad that I left the chocolate in the cupboard, and reached for the almonds. I asked hubby to order me a salad and I also had a few pieces of his sweet and sour pork......but emotional eating on salad, a couple of sweet and sour pork balls (I know I could have done better there) and a handful of almonds? I'm not gonna beat myself up too much over that. I'm out of ketosis, and I originally thought that that was gonna be the worse thing, but thinking about it today, and chatting with Kay, I guess the routine of feeling sad = needing to eat is what is the problem here. I never thought that I was an emotional eater, but, I guess I proved myself quite wrong yesterday. And then comes the analysis of what emotion actually means in this instance. I guess we all tend to think of emotion eaters being the sad women who get really upset with their partners and head for the chocolate, crisps and ice cream. But celebratory dinners are emotional times too....being happy is an emotion after all! Anyway, my head is far too sore (too much crying) and my eyes are far too puffy (too many tears!!!!:cry:) that I need to just get on with things, get back on this bandwagon (for the next week at least until Chinese New Year and then I may need to do some celebratory emotional eating!)

Thought about going 790 or something similar yesterday, but I have 13kgs to goal, I can do that in 2 months, I've lost 30kgs in the past 4 months, I'm 3/4s of the way there, I don't want to be that girl who was so close to goal, but never quite made it, and is slimmer, yeah, but still a little wobbly!

Cheered myself up this afternoon....oh oh, the other addiction, SHOPPING! Much healthier for my heart, not so great on the pocket....ah I can live with that! Bought myself a beautiful embroidered silk Chinese Jacket to wear at our staff party this Friday. Nice!

Talked with hubby at length last night, I know that I'm being very needy and a little unreasonable, and he loves me so very, very much. He sat and held me and cried last night 'cos he didn't know what he could do to make me happy. That did!
I love you Xiao Zhou
There, the World knows!


And.....Hilary came back today......I'll tell you more, Dear Diary, about Hilary when I have more time. But she spreads positivity. A light shines when she glides. I love her so much and she has helped me so much over the past few years....


There....disjointed again....but a pretty good beginning to what I know will be a fabulous week!​
 
AWWH! you've filled me with warmth today, I'm glad things are turning around for you. the talk with hubby was definitely needed!

this journey that we are all sharing in our different stages was never going to be totally easy, we've years of damage to our bodies to undo and we're undoing it in the space of months!!!!! :girlpower:

an end is insight to the torture - then the real hard work starts KEEPING IT OFF

well done on your exercise, I wish I could motivate myself to get moving more, I walk whenever I can and swim once or twice a week but that's about it.

I'm between 7 and 14lbs away from goal (can't pinpoint a goal) and struggled so much after xmas I zoomed myself up the stages to 1500 as I cheated on 1000 and 1200. my CDC is ok with this and it's suiting me very well. it just means this last hurdle is going to be very slow but I will get there even if it takes me 2 months. I'm at quite a happy place with my body just not the final destination.

So glad to hear you've bought a new Chinese Jacket too, not an extravagance a NECESSITY :D

Keep up your excellent work
 
Thank you for being there Dawn! I needed that love!

Tuesday and I'm feeling so much better....laughing at my hysterical weekend behaviour!

Had a really good walk this morning, didn't really feel like getting out of bed and checked the temperature -9 brrrrr.....with a howling wind, but got myself up, pulled on three pairs of trousers, two tops, a jumper and my sweat-jacket, bobble hat, ear-muffs and a scarf....lovely and toastie! A very refreshing and energising walk! Always so happy when I get out there!



Was looking back over my post last week, the post where hubby had told me the night before how very, very proud of me he was, how strong he thought I was and how very much he loved me......I then re-read my babble from Sunday and laughed at my silliness!!!!!


Was chatting with Annie my secretary today (we always worry so much when we relax and chat mind you, 'cos the past two Friday mornings have been lovely and relaxed then terrible things have happened in the afternoon...last Friday a little boy got an anaphylatic (sp) allergic reaction...not sure what to, 'cos it was the first time for him, but had to rush him to hospital for injections :eek:) Anyhows, we were talking about how silly we....humans....the female type in particular, can be. She was telling me that last night she had borrowed a DVD of an excellent film. Her parents in law showed interest and she let them watch it first. They didn't enjoy and she got so angry, not understanding why they could not enjoy such a fabulous movie. She ended up getting really mad with her hubby who just thought that it was the funniest thing! MEN!!!! They just can't comply can they!!!!

Anyhow, we were laughing at her and my insistance of other people liking the same things that we do, and that if they don't, there must obviously be something seriously wrong with them. We concluded that if I ever watch the movie that she borrowed, I promise to love it, and if she ever comes with me to The Orchard, she promises to rave about it for weeks later!!!!:eek:


Wednesday tomorrow, wow, this week, this year is flying by!
Love to any passers by!
 
Hey darlin!

I'm just gunna ignore your whole post cos i cant get over the fact that is was -9!

COME HOME TO THE GOOD COUNTRY!!!

(ok, so i have laughed a lot at your thread, had a lot to catch up on. I love the way you write, its like a good book!)

And yes, MEN!!!!
 
Hey darlin!

I'm just gunna ignore your whole post cos i cant get over the fact that is was -9!

COME HOME TO THE GOOD COUNTRY!!!

(ok, so i have laughed a lot at your thread, had a lot to catch up on. I love the way you write, its like a good book!)

And yes, MEN!!!!


LOL!!!


Haven't done much exercise this week, just walking once and no gym. Have a bit of a sore throat and squishy head today so couldn't face anything that took up more movement than that of my fingers on the keyboard.

Two more days of school and then 2 lovely weeks off. Thankfully the roads are so icy that we can't go back to Xiao Zhou's family for Chinese New Year ;) (15 hour drive:eek:) and the train tracks have warped quite badly because of the heavy snow, so really, sorry Papa-in-law, just no way we can make it back!:D

Fireworks have started here, really cool, by next Wednesday, (New Years Eve) the fireworks will be so noisy that we won't be able to hear a thing! It's actually really funny, before I moved here, I never thought that I would be blase about fireworks, but after my first Chinese New Year here, it kind of became, 'oh yeah, some more fireworks!'

Anyhows, time for bed,
Nighty night!
 
Good night honey (weird typing that at 2.15pm :))

Take pics of fireworks!! xxx
 
Thanks Girls!!!


Busy day today and another very busy one ahead of me tomorrow. I've just spent the past hour ironing my new javcket/top for tomorrow. Goodness gracious me, I will think twice about doing that again. A very scary start indeed, with the iron on the lowest setting, I touched the lining momentarily....I'm glad I tried the lining out first is all I need to say :eek:. It shall be going to the dry cleaners from now on!


Really looking forward to the hols and going skiing......yippee!!!!


Anyhows, not much news so goodnight to you all!
 
Before I retire for the evening, must post this to look back on when I need a smile!

Was in the car park this evening getting loads of Chinese New Year flowers out of the boot when a car pulled up behind me. I glanced and saw a very nice white mercedes out of which emerged a white suited, black shirted, black shades and funky haired very tall and handsome guy.

I quickly put my head down feeling my face go red, feeling embarrassed, fat and ugly. He walked past me, and I looked up to get another glance (no shame this married woman....as long as I only window shop, eh?!) he turned round, took off his shades, winked at me and carried on walking. Hubby picked up his head at that point and said to me 'that's <so-and-so>' (can't remember the name). Only some mega-famous Chinese pop star!! Whit Whoo, got the turning heads...go grrrllll!!!!:cool::cool::cool::cool:
 
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