what goes through your head before you binge?

[judith55]

I wish I knew what was in my head when I binge. The worst part is that after I start I can't really taste the food I'm eating. It doesn't make me feel better or even satisfied in any way. If I had a clue I could work out a strategy to combat them. Most stupid is that I can binge on one thing: 8 pieces of buttered toast/big pieces of cheese/5-6 bars of chocolate/whole family pizza. So I don't even seem to be wanting the variety of the food I miss when I'm dieting. Weird...

 

[vanda]

So many of us have problems with bingeing. I have binged off and on for many years and I still get the urge but have managed not to binge for over a month - something I feel great about.

After losing my mum late last year it finally seems to have sunk in that eating for comfort doesnt make things better, it might seem so at the time but that time is so short and afterwards the feelings of self hatred can trigger off another binge. After putting on 3 stone in two months after mum died it finally hit home - eating was not going to bring her back. Since then I have started to listen to myself. When I get the urge to binge I stop and ask myself what is it I need. Sometimes I'm upset, lonely, bored or any other emotion apart from hungry. Now I am giving myself what I need rather than just blindly stuffing.

Please do not be down on yourselves as it doesnt help and can make it harder to get back on track, be kind to yourselves, we will get there in the end. This is a marathon not a sprint, habits it has taken a lifetime to get are not going to disappear overnight. After a binge instead of telling yourself new start tomorrow start anew from that moment, forgive yourself for being human, give yourself a hug and move on.

 

[billiebob]

Aw Vanda thats a really lovely post and a nice way of looking at things. Sorry to hear about your Mum. :O( I am working 12 hour shifts this week 7am-7pm so I have come to work armed with healthy foods and have left a ww friendly casserole cooking in the slow cooker for when I get home. Hopefully today is the day I sort it out for good. Im thinking I will bring into work all the easter chocs etc and leave them in the coffe room for people to help themsleves to... saves temptation, although doubt the OH will be happy with that decision!!! ;O)

 

[Mumzy]

The days i have binged its when im feeling down. I think to myself well who cares what i look like ive got 2 kids they're the main thing i should be worrying about..which is true, but i'm also losing weight for them as well... i was so unfit before i started weight watchers, now i can manage a lot longer running about with them

 

[WMBB]

im losing weight for self confidence, although i know logically im a good looking intelligent nice girl, i have always been bullied for being intelligent and loyal to the people i care about, which is stupid isnt it? and the bullying was always about appearence so i always look down on my appearence even though i know logically its not bad

 

[KD]

Ex Binger gatecrashing!

I know exactly what went through my mind before a binge.

I'll just have one

That's it. Nothing dramatic. Didn't have to feel sad, or tired or bored. Just had to have the food available, preferably be alone and not rushing off to work.

And was always convinced (at the time) that I would stop at one.

I now can stop at one, but it was a hard lesson.

 

[shrinkingannie]

I agree KD, for me its generally felling fat/bloated or telling myself Ill just have one piece of something then feeling guilty/mad for eating it and spiralling straight into a binge. The other big risk factor for me is feeling too full or eating something I didnt plan to eat - again feeling guilty angry and just losing control.

 

[Purple_Star]

Just out of interest, what do we call a binge? When I talk about binging, I am talking about eating after I am already stuffed full, and any food available wil do - eg it could even be ryvita or cereal - eaten to excess and when I feel stuffed already. I don't understand what drives me to eat like this when it makes me full horrible full and sick, and leaves me uncomfortably bloated for a few days after!

 

[DopeyAngel]

Just out of interest, what do we call a binge? When I talk about binging, I am talking about eating after I am already stuffed full, and any food available wil do - eg it could even be ryvita or cereal - eaten to excess and when I feel stuffed already. I don't understand what drives me to eat like this when it makes me full horrible full and sick, and leaves me uncomfortably bloated for a few days after!

I always think of a binge as 'impulse eating'. If I have a binge I shove the food down really quickly, but it could be anything, including cereal etc. I also define it with the feeling afterwards i.e. guilt at my own greed.

 

[judith55]

A binge for me is eating to excess in a short period of time, e.g. 3 bars of chocolate, one immediately after the other and sometimes going back for more. Another feature of a binge for me is that sometimes I even line the food up ready so I am not fooling myself that its "just one". My justifications include: I haven't eaten much today; I won't eat the rest of the day; as long as I don't exceed my maintenance cals of 2300; its a treat and I deserve one; I'll make up for it tomorrow. Sometimes it seems that when I think about a "normal" portion I seemed to be convinced that it won't satisfy me even tho I don't know what "satisfied" means. Also the guilt/disgust/regret is very evident afterwards.

 

[vanda]

I used to go shopping for my binge nights. I would but whatever I fancied for dinner and puding but also snacks for the night. They would never be just one portion sized but family sized choc/crisps. I would carry on eating way past the 'I feel full' mark and would be asking myself why i was doing this while eating.

I think I will always have a weakness around food and take this one day at a time. Each day I tell myself just for today I will not binge.

I agree with purple star in that when I feel my eating is under control I am happy with myself whatever weight I am. Its when I feel out of control and binge eat that the feelings of self hatred come back. The mind is a wonderful thing

 

[KD]

Just out of interest, what do we call a binge?

Good question. Many people talk of binge eating when they possibly mean overeating.

Binge eating is eating a lot of calories in a very short period of time. It's compulsive and quite frightening at times. I found it like being incredibly thirsty yet not being able to quench the thirst. I would cry when I binged. It was never pleasant, but I felt I had to do it. I had to try to fill that space that just seemed to get bigger with the more I ate.

I couldn't eat quick enough, however hard I tried.

 

[shrinkingannie]

I would sometimes plan binges and hence buy all the food I wanted to binge on, for example - a ready meal, a donut, 2 bars of chocolate some crisps maybe some toast cheese and a croissant, but if I dont plan it I willl eat whatever is in sight until i feel and sometimes get sick. Interestingly I will rarely end up binging if I avoid bread and pasta

 

[Purple_Star]

Thanks for the honest answers ladies. KD, I find it interesting you cried while binging, just goes to show how strong the urge to binge is.

Do you mind if I ask KD, have you ever binged since maintaining, including the early days? I am freaking out because I didn't binge once whilst losing - went over a year without - yet have recently quite a few times, twice being pre-planned where I went and bought food especially, the other few were when I just ate whatever was in the house.
Altho I feel back in control now, it terrified me how I so easily slipped back into binging, even after all of this time.

 

[KD]

Yes I did, a few times. I haven't binged now in about 2.5 years, though I have had times when I've overeaten, but that's normal (okay...possibly a bit more than a 'normal' person might eat when they overdo it )

I guess the difference with the binge eating after I got to goal, was my mental approach to both the binge and after the binge.

Where before I would just do it, after the diet it became a more conscious awareness of what I was doing. I could recognise it better. I could eat and think at the same time which never happened before. And though I felt I couldn't stop it, I was more aware of how I was feeling about it...and what I should be doing to stop it, even though I felt powerless to actually put that bit into practice at the time.

I had read everything I could get my hands on with the eating disorder...I knew the score. I had the intellectual understanding, but couldn't work it into real life IYKWIM.

Then I got to a stage where I could stop it a bit earlier. I could consciously stop it by choice rather than just running out of food.

Then I could stop it just after it started.

It took time.

After the binge, pre the last diet, I would look on it as a failure; that I'd blown the diet and so I would start again the following week and make the most of any food that would come in the house. I would be angry at myself. Really annoyed that I was sabotaging everything I wanted and frustrated that it was all so illogical.

After I learnt more about binge eating, I became much more positive. "Wow...I haven't done this for a while....way to go meeeeee" And though it was still distressing at the time, I knew I hadn't blown anything. It was a moment of pause in a way, yet also a chance to learn. Once it was over I could get straight back to 'normal' eating with hope.

Not only that, I realised that for me, I had to change my expectations. It was no good promising myself that I would never do it again, because I knew that it was likely. My first step was to learn how to stop one mid flow, and having the binges meant I had a chance to put that into practice. Something I couldn't do if I never let myself go through one again (which just wouldn't happen anyway).

It was the same with my heads idea of trigger foods. When I refused to have them I couldn't learn how to untrigger them. So I practised having them in the house, learning to stop after one etc. That way, if they enter my life, I know exactly how to eat them in moderation.

But, there was no magical overnight cure. It takes time.

Oh, and BTW, though each binge gave me an impressive weight gain, there really is not a lot of fat gain in such a short time. It's easily rectifiable. Just had to work on not doing it too often with a ton of overeating between the sessions.

 

[KD]

Altho I feel back in control now, it terrified me how I so easily slipped back into binging, even after all of this time.

Don't think of it as slipping back into binging. You were just visiting that place for a moment