Bingeing... Why?!!?

[Rebirth_Lozza]

I've always been a chubby child since primary school. I had such a sweet tooth (and still do to this day!). My family don't eat incredibly healthily I must admit. We were never discouraged from snacking and eating sweets and chocolates as kids and our meals were always cooked with a lot of oil. However most of my family weren't overweight so maybe as a child I used that as an excuse to eat more food. It was only when I moved into secondary school that I got the malicious comments and the bullying. I remember one time going home with a group of friends on the train one boy came up to me and called me a 'blue whale' (I was wearing a blue coat at the time) and everyone just went silent as if they didn't know what to say. I walked home in tears that day but never told anyone about it to this day. I also overheard my older sister, who was as skinny as a bean pole, complain to my mum how fat I was and it just made me more upset.

Shortly after, I decided to lose the weight and reached a healthy range in half a year. I was delighted and my doctor was too. It only took cutting down on the sweets and fizzy drinks. I remember going into college at my lowest weight of 12 stone 6lbs and feeling confident. But the change of environment and people with increased workload and pressure caused me to gain a lot of weight back on. At 15 stone I was at the heaviest I've ever been. When I finished college I spent the summer losing weight with LL. I lost 2 stone before starting uni and felt more confident about meeting new people. However LL got too expensive so I couldn't sustain the diet. It didn't bother me that much because I was comfortable in my skin at the time. However, I never really crossed the finish line.

So now this easter, 4 months after finishing LL, I'm on a new VLCD diet and hoping to lose 2 stone and reach the lowest weight I've ever been (11 stone)! It's made me reflect on my sweet tooth problem really! I do recognize when I'm genuinely hungry and when I'm not. But for me it's just that I enjoy the taste of the sweets and want them for pleasure, not necessity. I suppose I'll have to find a way around this sooner or later. Sorry for the long post, just felt like having a rant!

 

[largelesley]

Hi all it was good to read all the posts makes me realise that some of the things ive experienced im not alone not that i mean im glad any of you are suffering but you know what i mean
I went to bed feeling a bit scared that i had actually wrote that down but now im glad i did
I also went to bed with so many memories and things i thot i had forgot about
My life was hard having to put cardboard in my shoes because they were full of holes
Having an old coat for a cover
But i dont think i can be the only one to have had a hard life by any means so i have to think why mine made me turn to food as i did
The thing is lots happened that i wont put on here but by the time i was about 20 i made the choice i wanted my mother in my life and i believe she was genunly sorry till the day she died about our upbringing
But i realised last nite in a way we are similar she used alcohol to escape i use food
In later yrs she used to make up memories of happy family things and she really believed they had happened and i let her the past was the past
I didnt have a bad life in fact the opposite when i was 21 i met my lovely hubby who has always been their for me i have two lovely kids no problems at all
The only bane in my life is my weight
I am not sure where im going from here im not going to blame all my probs on my parents or my upbring im an adult now i have to take responsibility and im going to try
I dont want to be like this any more
Sorry for the long post just helps putting it down
Mandy please keep trying you will get their x
Micci i know what you mean about change but its not always going to be bad you can do it
If it wasnt for you i wouldnt even have got this far you deserve the same x
Rebirth im sorry to hear about your struggles but you sound very focussed and in the right place

Please everyone have a good day and keep in touch my new friends mean a lot to me xxx

 

[krupskaya]

Hi Lesley, Micci, Mandy, Pomooky and all, I just read through this entire thread and I wanted to tell you how moved I am by it and the support you're giving each other. I've been prone to binging too and am attempting to move beyond it. Was doing really well until last week - oh dear...But I've picked myself up, dusted myself down and I'm back on the wagon now. Hope you don't mind me joining your thread - room for a not so small one lol?!

 

[Pomooky125]

Hi Krupskaya
Well done for posting - it's hard at first but you will get lots of support here. It's a slog going backwards and forwards but we'll get there in the end.

All the best Pomooky XX

 

[Pomooky125]

Lesley

Just to say I really admire you for getting your life together after all you went through and still remaining a lovely person. You're lucky with your hubby and kids and this must be a great incentive to shift the weight that's troubling you. Your post made me fill up! (big softy) and I feel humble and a little ashamed as, although not idyllic, my childhood was good and I have no excuse for not sorting out my crazy eating.
Warmest wishes

Pomooky XX

 

[Aline]

Lesley,
Thank you for sharing your strugles with us and I'm glad you visited a counselor. You have a good husband and kids and I'm sure the love you have around you, will help you going thrpugh the hard times. We're here too to hear you whenever you want to.

Mandy,
I want to send you a big confprting hug. I know you're trying really hard and I know you can face it. Sometimes you may slip into old habits but that will happen less and less. I love the post you shared two days ago, it's full of usefull information so try to use some of its tools. Come here and talk about your feelings when you feel like it, maybe that can help.

Micci,
Hope you have fun at the barecue, enjoy the time with people.

Pomooky,
Enjoy the sunny day. I know how tricky anxiety can be, but we're stronger than our anxieties

Lozza,
Thank you for trusting us and sharing those events from your childhood. No one (mainly a child) should face the comments you did. But you grew a strong woman inside, you already lost weight once so you know you have the strenght to make it again and now you'll mantain it because you'll find your way around all this

Krupskaya
Of course there is room for you

To you all,
I want to share with you a thing: I told my boyfriend about my issues with binging (wich leds me to diet) as way to cope woth stress and anxiety. At first it wasn't easy for me to talk about it but then he understood and didn't judge, so I opened myself.

x

 

[Micci]

Hi can I join!!

I have eating issues! Either binging or starving and it's no way to live, at goal weight and struggling to maintain. Feel hungry all the time.

I went to my first overeater anonymous meeting last night and found it helpful, has anyone tried those??

I am attempting to eat three meals a day 600 cals each well balanced to maintain my weight and completely avoid things u binge on chocolate, biscuits, crisps, white bread, sweets ....................

Today is going to be hard as lots of choc about


Good to have found this thread!!


Xxxxx

Hi Louise,

I missed saying hello to you - hello

do you still got to over eaters anonymous? Is it still working?

Micci xxx

 

[Micci]

Hello again,

Krupskaya, of course there is room here Well done for getting back on the wagon. I've lost mine and will have to look for another one, it'll come along soon I'm sure.

Pomooky, that is such an important thing to recognise, the purpose that being fat serves in our lives. Have you ever read Fat is a feminist issue? Its full of ideas and thought prompting exercises to discover what benefit we percieve the fat as serving. I think mine makes me feel like an adult ('adults are big' thinks little girl me) and I need to be very adult to cope with my difficult role as mother and wife to an ill/depressed and ex alchoholic husband. That's not giving honour to his good sides, I'm just accepting the reasons I felt I needed extra adult strength. I had to be very strong as well when my first child died as a baby and I do see a big body as being strong. Now I see and understand those reasons they lose their power to influence my habits - or so I like to think

Lesley, thanks for sharing. It can be hard when the memories start flooding back - mine are nothing like yours but I've been with a friend who had some awful abuse in her childhood and I've seen how memories would suddenly resurface. Stay strong - you've started a journey that will bring many emotions and will not always be easy but is so very very worthwhile. Please keep posting. Was this the phone counsellor? I'm wondering about phoning them myself.

My face to face counselling is excellent but maybe I need to spend some time focusing on the food issues with someone else. I find talking about food and weight difficult with the woman I see as she is a very large woman herself. I know this is all in my head but I worry about her feeling while I talk about these struggles I have.

I'm going to do another post with what's going on for me but I need to get my thoughts in gear first.

Bye for now, Micci

 

[Micci]

i have lurked in this post for a whille and posted once or twice but this particular post jumped out at me, i also had parents that limited my food at one point there was a padlock on the kitchen door to stop me getting to the fridge:cry:

Wow! someone else The smiles are not for what you might have been going through, but just for finding someone else who went through something similar.

What was happening for you around that time, if you don't mind me asking.

I was strange around food when I was little, I would buy the sweets I was forbidden when I went on an errand to the shop for my mother. I couldn't eat them all on the way home so I would hide them in bushes as I walked munching along the street. Sheeeeet, what was going on for me? I'd eat loads, so that any meal my mother had wanted to prepare for the family could well have been missing a vital ingredient or two.

I think I was coming up to puberty, my mother was ill all my childhood, my father was having a stressful time dealing with work, a sick wife and children and sometimes would share more worries with me than I could handle. Maybe it was also around this time my little brother was getting bullied at school and I was trying to help him. Maybe this was also the time I was having to focus on what secondary school I would be going to and very worried about that. So it must have been about then that I learnt to swallow down bad feelings with food.

Now, I've lived for over half a century and its about time I changed some of these habits.

 

[mandy0206]

I Love these ppl!!
Support is great.
I just suck at replying to everyone individually, because I'm on her mobile and it would take me days lol.
Well today I kept all my food down after having a hours long talk at midnight with my best friend.
I feel the urge to, specially at night... Now But I'm holding it back and will see how dinner goes.

My obsession is my scale. I weighed my self once, and was disappointed, but held it together! I normally weigh my self 5-6 times a day.
I just wanna get through today , so I know I have hope.
I want to eat normally, and just exercise daily instead. I'll worry about looking weight and dieting later. I can't possibly do both at the same time, while trying to fight this.
My goal, is to maintain my weight, not gain, stay off my scale, eat more and healthier. And no purging! O and still get a therapist !!!
Lots of love from everyone, even my pm 's I've gotten !!!!!!

 

[mandy0206]

Hi guys, I survived today and no purging !!!! And I had two meals !!!!!!

I'm going to continue to post my posts in my thread, as I don't want to flood this one.

I'll continue to keep in touch, as you guys are amazing and I'm no where near my goal or near recovery, but I don't want to flood this and make it all about me

 

[krupskaya]

Thanks for the warm welcome guys.

Well done Mandy - that's a great achievement - go you!

Thankyou Lesley, Micci and TJ for sharing your childhood experiences. It's amazing how far back our attitudes towards food were shaped. I could really identify with you Lesley. Food was scarce when I was growing up too. Usually I had no lunch and would lie to my friends that I was on a diet when I was a teenager. I remember when I was due to take my german o level oral exam a teacher buying me lunch as my stomach was rumbling and I had no money for food. She wanted me to be able to concentrate on the exam. Looking back I realise that I would have been entitled to free school meals as my father wasn't working but for some reason i wasn't getting them. I think my parents couldn't be bothered to apply.

The other kids used to follow me and make fun of my clothes as they were shabby and full of holes. Amazing how these things hurt even now. As an adult I've always derived a great sense of contentment when my cupboards are freshly stocked and heaving with food.

Big hugs to you all.

Kx

 

[Micci]

Hi guys, I survived today and no purging !!!! And I had two meals !!!!!!

I'm going to continue to post my posts in my thread, as I don't want to flood this one.

I'll continue to keep in touch, as you guys are amazing and I'm no where near my goal or near recovery, but I don't want to flood this and make it all about me

Woo, well done Mandy!

I'll have a look at the rest of this section and the thread you started in a minute.

Hi every one, I'm giving up on individual answers as I keep leaving people out, sorry Rebirth Lozza 'cos I ignored you last night, but I am so heartened by the way this thread is going with the stories and support we are all sharing. What a hard time so many of us have had..... group hug time methinks.

I've decided to day to weigh myself again in kilos so I don't understand how much I've gained over the last couple of weeks. If anyone does do the sums, please don't tell me

And I've been thinking about personal identification. I was telling myself for a year or so that I was a binge eater, then I felt safer that I was not eating like that anymore and called myself an ex-binger. Then when things went wrong food wise again I was again seeing myself as having an ED.

Now I feel that giving myself the label of being a binge eater gives me permission to over eat, that it something I feel safe with, and rather encourages me to stay stuck. So now I am saying to myself that I have problems with binging, however my journey to recovery is underway and as from now I am resuming my weight loss journey.

I also need to look at the issue of change and accept that I've had change all around me all my life, and lots of it has been good. I won't bore you all be doing that exercise on this thread.

Now I have gathered up courage to look at the scales again, but before I go I want to say to whoever posted about the security a full food cupboard gives that that feeling so resonates with me. I used to bulk buy and oh my, how good it feels to have a stockpile that will keep myself and the family going.

.... be back soon ....

ps, Lesley, while thinking about my own identification issues I thought of the name that you use here. I worry that calling yourself 'large' every time you log in encourages you to see yourself that way in a permanent way. ... just my concerns ...

 

[Pomooky125]

" As an adult I've always derived a great sense of contentment when my cupboards are freshly stocked and heaving with food."

Hi Krupskaya

I really recognised the above feelings - I am obsessed with food shopping and have several packs of all the stuff I see as "necessary". I am having an online delivery today and will be back on the internet straight away to make sure I dont miss out next week! I don't remember going without food at any time as a child - I was very well fed. I don't know why I have this hoarding instict. My mum was quite critical of me and my weight though - she would say no to second helpings (quite right) and once called me "matronly" - I have never forgotten that. She even once bought me a girdle! (Spanx to you young 'uns). So maybe there is something lurking psychologically.

Micci - I too am concerned about my self-administered label of binger. I treat it as an excuse too in a way. Having seen a GP, counsellor etc it makes it seem somehow ok to lose control. I'd rather just be a pig sometimes like everyone else is.

Mandy - keep strong! You did well to talk to your friend and not purge. I tick each "good" day off on the calendar and there are now more ticks than blanks.

It's difficult to reply to everyone - there's so many now - it just shows how widespread eating issues are. I am sopleased to be able to share this stuff. My sister doesn't really take it seriously, my ex seemed baffled by it and there's no-one else I'm close to - my dad is not of the touchy feely variety and since my mum died 3 years ago, I don't bother him with stuff.

Lesley - yep, Micci is right! I also thought you ought to ditch the "large" bit especially as you won't qualify for this label soon!

I have taken up the scales again - not quite as much as you Mandy! - just once a day. I avoided them for a long time as I was scared to not be slim any more. Although it can get obsessive, it's a real incentive when the grammes drop.

I have made bread today with my son. The smell, feel and look of it is sooo tempting. I am not going to go there as it willstart me off. It will be Ryvita for me! I would rather not have those bread rolls around my middle!

Pomooky XX

 

[mandy0206]

Very sad how so many problems start when we are children and have no control over it, my heart breaks for you all!!! So sad.
I've only told a few ppl this, but I think my problems came from both my parents, my dad was on drug and mom an alcoholic ... I felt neither of them loved me enough to stop, and if my own parents can't love me enough, how will anyone else love someone like me, over weight, chunky girl when there are millions of other pretty small girls out there, what a competition ! Anyone else ever feel that way ??? I know a man will love you for u, but at a young age, u don't know better.
U see beautiful woman all over tv u can't help but compare your self and wanna b like them.
I think woman and teenagers need to be educated more on this and heats really healthy!
I'm glad so many of us started a thread as there is not a forum for disorders, many ppl are opening up and it does take a lot of courage to do so! Much applause for everyone opening up , being so kind, sharing stories and the support is AMAZING !!!!! it feels good to not be judged negatively !!!!!! I'm hoping to beat this and b an inspiration to others, as I have for being a young teen mom and not bring the typical stereotype mom!

 

[mandy0206]

I agree about Leslie switching her screen name, dont refer to your self as large sweetie!!! I'm sure your hard enough in your self, maybe something more fun, inspirational , or cheerful? like determined sweetheart ?? Lol

 

[Pomooky125]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to write down something - Sometimes I have a really strong urge to binge. It is so strong that no amount of rational thinking/mindfulness can stop it; I just push it aside and go towards the kitchen as though on automatic.

Where does this super strength impulse come from? Why can't I use it to say NO, STOP and THINK? If I could turn this urge around I would crack this thing. It's so frustrating!

Pomooky XX

 

[Micci]

hi all just wanted to say i have sat and planned a whole weeks meals, all i have to do now is stick to the plan !!

Get back to that essay

 

[Micci]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to write down something - Sometimes I have a really strong urge to binge. It is so strong that no amount of rational thinking/mindfulness can stop it; I just push it aside and go towards the kitchen as though on automatic.

Where does this super strength impulse come from? Why can't I use it to say NO, STOP and THINK? If I could turn this urge around I would crack this thing. It's so frustrating!

Pomooky XX

I don't know Pomooky, I get it just the same - I don't give a monkey's for any sensible thought whilst in the grip of it.

I reckon really its more about working through the isues so the need to binge is less strong. Obviously, I've not got it cracked but I did find when I'd dealt with a couple of issues then I found it so much easier to stick to sensible healthy eating. Then something else would crop up - like this fear of change I'm now getting to grips with - and I'd be eating the plate the food was served on - sorry, no, the packet it came in, no time for a plate.

How are you doing tonight?

 

[Pomooky125]

"How are you doing tonight?"

Hi Micci - well rubbish actually! I had managed to lose the 5lbs that I lost and gained again and then binged again yesterday! Today I have weighed myself - 1/2lb back on again. Not a huge amount but this is how it creeps on.

Well, ok so far today but the danger zone is tonight. Hope to get rid of the 1/2 again and keep on going 2 steps forward, 1 step back. The overall result should be a steady, if slow, loss. (I had a root canal treatment a couple of weeks ago which is not yet finished and yesterday the tooth broke - on a Ryvita of all things -this is seriously slowing down my consumption. Unfortunately, chocolate just melts in your mouth, no need of teeth!)

Pomooky XX