I really don't know where to start..... the sad thing is I made a bullet point list so I don't miss anything out!!
* Fall - my trousers at work fall down (but the 24 still wont fit!!) and today the slid down, tangled around my shoe and I went over on my ankle falling onto all fours - sore ankle, sore knees ... stuff going flying everywhere and humiliation - the district judge was on the bench and the Court was packed.... and my big fat arse was stuck in the air probably showing a fair bit of knicker as my trousers fall down!!! just felt so embarassed and burst into tears... quickly composed myself and had to go to the police station.....
* Future work - after a long day I ended up talking to the practice manager... obviously work doesnt kno about teaching.... and basically they plan for me to entirely take over the Crown Court department by June next year (for no extra pay I hasten to add!!) - I just don't feel like I can do it.... and most of all I feel so guilty - they hired me to replace 2 people who retire next year..... what the hell am I gonna do?!
* Friend - well I was meant to be going to Preston tonight.... didn't finish work till 7 (as usual! - was 8.50 yest!) and so when I got home my annoying friend had text asking if/when I was coming... I said I would eat and probs by arriving at 10-11ish... she then told me she was going to bed at 11... but she wanted me to come?! I was just so stressed after a long day and did not want to be rushed... I know most people have 9-5 jobs but mine just isn't - she is the one who talks about me behind my back... but we have been friends for a few years .... anyways I am rambling but basically she normally never goes to bed before 2am but she has had a job for 2 weeks and now is exhausted all the time.... SHE DOES NOTHING COMPARED TO ME.... argh!!!!! anyways... sorry she is just one of those people who always annoys me... the sad thing is I am not sure I have a friends who doesn't take advantage of me or let me down...... I need to stand up for myself... so after that she sent a stroppy text saying I better be there by 12 so she can go to trafford centre... I want a blooming lie in on Sat hence why I was going tonight.... grrr.. I don't even want to go to Trafford Centre - I have no money, find shopping depressing at mo etc... but what does my opinion count?!.... so me being the usual walkover said I would be there at 12...
* Catalogues - Just after getting off the phone with my friend I went to my mum's room and she had a Next catalogue... which I picked up to look through... got two pages in and burst into tears... partially upset by friend etc... but partially because all of the models looked so lovely in the clothes and I know it is long way off me even being able to go into a normal shop let alone being able to try on anything and know it will at least fit.... I just feel so sad today.... All I have ever wanted is to wear size 10 clothes.... and I got there when I was 18 and it lasted a year... and I still felt fat... and then my boyfriend broke my heart and since then I have just been on a diet lost 2 stone and then put on 4.... I really want to break this cycle... but I just keep screwing it up...
* Food - I am only on the 3rd day of this week and am already 40pp over my weeklies.. and I am drinking and having a buffet tomorrow.... I plan to eat just a bit of buffet within my dailies and have 20pp of vodka... honestly I am just so disappointed in myself... please don't tell me off or lecture me right now... I just feel like climbing into bed and staying there.... I don't want to fail! Even if I do lose weight I can't afford clothes.... I just feel like utter crap and don't know what I want.....
I think I might restart the shred tomorrow - do it before I set off.... and then do it when I get back Sunday and try to do it everyday (except those that I go to the gym for body pump - which ideally will be Tues, Thurs and Sunday depending on work and other plans....)
Well if you made it this far - thank you very much for reading
u really are very good people and lovely friends xxx
xxxx
