Getting my mojo back!

[Kira]

That's sounds great and just what your husband needs. And probably you too!

 

[Spanglymum]

My appraisal went really well - phew. I'm always very negative about my performance and need to learn to lighten up and be kinder to myself I think.

I'm thinking of trying Cambridge out - because I think meeting someone every week would be useful discipline to keep me on track. It's hard keeping up motivation on sns (or getting motivation back when you've gone off road). Do any of you have experience of it? I will post on the Cambridge board as well and see.

 

[Kira]

That's great your appraisal went well! It's good that you recognise you are allowed to be kinder to yourself!

If the switch to Cambridge would give you that boost of having someone to officially weigh you and discuss how you doing and keeping you motivated then it is a good idea to at least give it a go even for a month and see how you get on. Minverva mentioned she felt she didn't get into or fully in ketosis on S&S as the carb content maybe higher so maybe the reduced carbs in Cambridge could help in that you would be deeper into ketosis if that makes sense?

Certainly worth giving it a go and whilst I still didn't stick to plan yesterday and like a broken record trying again today it is the keeping on TRYING I am convinced that will help us.

 

[Spanglymum]

Right. Need to get self back together. It's been a whole week!!!

 

[Debbi8489]

My appraisal went really well - phew. I'm always very negative about my performance and need to learn to lighten up and be kinder to myself I think.

I'm thinking of trying Cambridge out - because I think meeting someone every week would be useful discipline to keep me on track. It's hard keeping up motivation on sns (or getting motivation back when you've gone off road). Do any of you have experience of it? I will post on the Cambridge board as well and see.

Hi Spangly

Any more news on the dog front? I'm struggling to type as my boy is stretched out on my lap. I cant really remember life before him!

You know, as I was reading and catching up with your diary and it seems like we're all in the same boat, maybe its the 'official' weekly weigh in that we are missing. I dont know what to do though. I cant afford Cambridge or LL. I've got another 2 weeks worth of packs left. Thinking about doing Scottish Slimmers after that. Mind you, the last time I did that, I messed around for 6 months and was the same weight at the end of it!!!

I'm thinking that this time next year, my daughter will be graduating. I want to be back to target for that. Sometimes its difficult to remember how well we've done. I bumped into someone today who last saw me at my biggest. So he saw a huge difference in me. Like you, I'm almost 50lbs lighter. I dont think that there was a half century badge when I lost the weight before, so I'm definitely getting it this time round lol.

Onwards and downwards

Debbi xx

 

[Spanglymum]

Hi Debbi

I thought you were all sorted - I'm sure I've seen loads of exercise-related posts from you, and thought you were doing brilliantly! I'm struggling to get back in the zone. In the meantime I'm reading Geneen Roth. One of her books: Women, Food and God, kind-of put me off because of the God bit as I thought it might be a bit woo-woo and New Agey (and this is from a regular churchgoer! ) so I had it for ages but only just read it at the weekend after someone mentioned it on Minimins and I remembered I had it. A-ma-zing. I've gone on to read her book about money: Lost and Found, which is also ringing very true for me. I recommend both of them.

So what's new with me? I still like myself (gasp) despite being bigger than I want to be. I am embracing art and design and colour and growth and plants and family and friends and music and generally loving life. This weight thing is just one dimension of what is turning into a life that I really like. A lot.

Ok so work has its ups and downs (and the office is VERY HOT today) but basically, life is GOOD.

I have my last counselling session today (for now, anyway). It has helped. I still have work to do but things have shifted. I'm allowed to enjoy myself. Fancy that!?! Part of enjoying myself happens to be wearing cool clothes - so I'd like what I eat/drink to help me move towards that rather than short-term sugar high or low or crash or self-loathing. But it takes time - and I have time. I may decide packs are still the best solution for me - or I may not - and either is ok.

 

[Spanglymum]

Ooh, forgot to say no more news re dog - but we're waiting deliberately as with two school sports days on Thursday we thought it wouldn't be fair to bring a new dog home and expose him/her to that much overexcitement. We're going to phone on Friday or Saturday to see if there are any available...

 

[Kira]

Awh! Spangly what a fantastic post and a brilliant way to look at life. You know I too have a good life and I should remind myself of that especially when a blip happens with kids, or stuff that happens be it the leaking shower or house falling apart etc!

I'm thrilled for you that your are happy and yes the weight is just another aspect but you can and you will overcome that.

 

[Debbi8489]

Hiya

Yes have been doing loads of exercise, but unfortunately loads of eating rubbish. The maths dont add up :-( Anyhoo I just have to get on with it. I've got about 35lbs to get to target. Fed up of losing the same stone over and over again.

I've got very sore knees at the moment. Having to give exercise a rest for a week or two. Cant believe how unhappy this makes me. I have changed a wee bit lol.

I'm loving hearing about your garden. My veggies are on the back burner at the moment. A tip for you, make sure you can fence off your plot. Or maybe its just terriers. Dougal LOVED my raised beds, wee menace lol.

On the phone and can't remember what else you said...Pfft! My memory isn't what it used to be lol

Debbi xx

 

[Spanglymum]

I'm about as much over target as you, Debbi. I want to get back to goal but have been sabotaging myself and rebelling every time I manage to stick to plan for a week or two. Going round in circles and slowly gaining...

In an attempt to break the cycle, I've been trying to put into practice the 'inquiry' bit of Geneen Roth's book the past few days. Inquiry is about being fully in the moment (I'm sure someone on here pointed me towards 'mindfulness' about a year ago but I didn't persevere with it) and identifying what you are feeling, without judgement.

A bit like the HALT thing for stopping bingeing.

And I'm getting it a bit. It's hard though, because, crucially, I don't know how to identify my feelings! After suppressing my feelings probably from childhood and definitely since way before my sister died (we didn't 'do' emotion in my family when I was growing up) and then the trauma of loss... I find i can identify 'positive' emotions but not 'negative' ones. (The inverted commas are there because both are my interpretations. An emotion isn't good or bad, it just is.)

So no wonder the Lighter Life counselling didn't 'stick'. The tools are all about identifying what you are feeling and whether it's genuine hunger or something else. And in my case, feeling 'something else' has been scary and unknown. I've not been able to identify it, so have turned to food time and again in a panic. It's like I opened a door but still need support stepping through it.

I'm not going to change overnight, obviously. These learned behaviours are so deeply entrenched. But I have turned a corner I think and can see a different way ahead, which isn't just about the weight (which it never really was anyway). This is quite major for me!

 

[Kira]

Spangly I so relate to your post! It's exactly me! I thought I had conquered my addiction/relationship with food as I was doing well for months, no binges and "controlling" what I choose to eat or not. Then over past few weeks I've been sabotaging myself and I can only describe it as sabotaging mysel for solace... Not sure if that makes sense?

Anyway I now have 17 lbs to lose to goal instead of 8lbs to goal I had a few weeks ago! I've a wedding to attend this weekend and the weekend afterwards and I'm not allowing those two events stop me from losing weight. I will have to adjust my s&s plan as I've done in the past and still lost weight.

We can do this.

 

[Spanglymum]

Yes, it definitely echoes with my experience, Kira. I'm searching for a kind of solace too.

I'm realising how often I have a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach - most of the time in fact. Part of it is "holding in" my stomach, because it's currently bigger than I'd like it to be. But it's also anxiety. Anxiety about what? Anxiety that I might be about to binge and if I start I won't be able to stop myself.

What is different now is that I'm feeling it, acknowledging it, breathing and making the knot go away, and then considering, "am I hungry?" If I AM hungry, then I give myself permission to eat ANYTHING I LIKE. Including chocolate and nuts and sugar and bread and cheese and biscuits.

But when I pause and breathe, I realise it's the anxiety about the possible binge and loss of control which makes me feel I want to binge!!

I'm not actually hungry. If I was, I could/would pop down to the canteen or to the local supermarket and get something to eat.

Wow. And I'm not "using" ketosis to blunt my hunger. I'm trying to really identify and feel genuine hunger and genuine satisfaction. All new to me...

Off to a big finance meeting shortly (another reason for the feelings of anxiety). But I've not used it as an excuse to eat things I might regret. Not today, anyway!

 

[Kira]

Oh! My!! Spangles that describes exactly how I have been feeling recently! "Anxious". I am anxious about dieting, eating, bingeing not eating, fat, weight! I think it's time for me to get the "books" out again!

Hope the meeting goes well and you have a good "sane" day with your food/diet plan.

ps I wish I could get to the stage of ketosis.......just to get me going again?

 

[Spanglymum]

I know what you mean. Ketosis does give us a break from at least some of the stress. But I'm not sure it's sustainable for me. When I came off LL I was terrified of regaining, and terrified of carbs. And I maintained by being vigilant about my low carb plan. But I lost my way a bit. I wasn't eating enough fat to be fully satisfied with low carb (the low fat propaganda is everywhere and difficult to ignore) so bit by bit I weakened when faced with carbs... And here I am.

Except what I'm doing now is subtly different. I am trying really hard to stay in the moment and really feel what I'm feeling and stay with it, however much I don't want to. There has to be another way. It's very possible that a low carb high fat plan will end up being the optimum for me but I want to be calm around carbs, kind of neutral. And I think the only way to achieve that is by saying no food is off limits. The only thing to consider is will it make me feel better or worse? Now? In five hours' time?

Being honest about that is the difficult bit to learn. Because of course the carbs will make me happy. Now. In the moment of eating them. And sometimes that is ok. Cake is fun! (Lol). And biscuits and crisps and toast with butter. But sometimes being slim and feeling energetic is more fun...

I've been using packs as a quick fix. If I'm honest, I wanted a way to be able to binge on 'forbidden' foods and not face the consequences (not that I ever consciously realised this). Kind of telling myself 'i can binge but it will be ok as I can just go back on packs'.

Except it isn't. Because each time gets harder. As lots of people on here will agree. The bingeing started after lighter life. I'd always 'used' food inappropriately, but was good at identifying what I wanted to eat and making nourishing and genuine choices. But I ate too much as I never knew when i was full. And because I was using food, sometimes it was never going to satisfy me because what I was feeling wasn't hunger.

The massive carb binges came from denying myself, restricting myself, and telling myself I was a failure to have regained.

I'm stopping that and it feels lovely! I'm not a 'failure'. I've achieved a massive thing for me. I'm still loads lighter than I was, and more importantly, I am far closer to finding equilibrium than ever before.

It's not easy but it's worth it. In the words of the immortal ads, I've realised that actually I am worth it, too!!

 

[Kira]

Spangly you are on the mend! That's what I'm aiming for. I thought I was getting there but clearly have more work to do and practice eating real food in sensible portions an refrain from overload of carbs my downfall!

We just need to keep at it and practice! In the meantime I admit I need to use the crutch of these pace foods packs at the very least to get rid of half a stone for now.

 

[Spanglymum]

I'm doing the Race for Life today (walking as I haven't done any training as such!) with some local friends. Really excited and nervous. Thinking if I enjoy it it might spur me on to do the couch to 5k and do another one?!

Wish me luck. I'm doing it in memory of my sister, Ingrid, who died suddenly from a brain tumour (which we didn't know she had) aged 19. PM me if you are interested in sponsoring us as we have a Just Giving page. Thank you!

 

[Kira]

All the best for today! You'll do well and really enjoy it I'm sure! Go girl!

 

[Minerva]

Wishing you success on your Race for Life! Enjoy your day, I hope the weather cooperates. You're doing it for a good cause!

I hear you on the bingeing... I was always a secret eater and an overeater before LL... but, active bingeing only developed after I finished the programme and went into over-drive. It was too scary to maintain a weight I was not familiar with, it was all absolutely alien. Unfortunately it's not quite gone away. Sometimes, I'm sure we all to some extent like to squirrel away a 'secret' carb feast to have a 'session' on, when no ones around... It's just so... comforting at that moment in time.. And you are right, ketosis gets harder each time. I think it was in an episode of Supersize vs Superskinny that one of the overweight ladies said that food gave her a hug 'on the inside' which is so true. As a natural depressive and introvert it's sometimes hard to find comfort in others, so we seek something to make us feel better... even at the cost of self-destruction. It's a strange cycle.

The thing is - it's about balance. It's about having periods of strict diet and periods of when you can allow yourself to enjoy. It does require discipline. I so wanted to continue having all the nice things (took me a while longer to get back on the diet after my holiday than I wanted to ...), but the first week is all about trying to shout louder than the greedy rebellious child inside. It doesn't always work, but we do our best. The main thing is to keep trying.

 

[Spanglymum]

I actually jogged quite a lot of it!! yay! Go me!

 

[Debbi8489]

I'm about as much over target as you, Debbi. I want to get back to goal but have been sabotaging myself and rebelling every time I manage to stick to plan for a week or two. Going round in circles and slowly gaining...

In an attempt to break the cycle, I've been trying to put into practice the 'inquiry' bit of Geneen Roth's book the past few days. Inquiry is about being fully in the moment (I'm sure someone on here pointed me towards 'mindfulness' about a year ago but I didn't persevere with it) and identifying what you are feeling, without judgement.

A bit like the HALT thing for stopping bingeing.

And I'm getting it a bit. It's hard though, because, crucially, I don't know how to identify my feelings! After suppressing my feelings probably from childhood and definitely since way before my sister died (we didn't 'do' emotion in my family when I was growing up) and then the trauma of loss... I find i can identify 'positive' emotions but not 'negative' ones. (The inverted commas are there because both are my interpretations. An emotion isn't good or bad, it just is.)

So no wonder the Lighter Life counselling didn't 'stick'. The tools are all about identifying what you are feeling and whether it's genuine hunger or something else. And in my case, feeling 'something else' has been scary and unknown. I've not been able to identify it, so have turned to food time and again in a panic. It's like I opened a door but still need support stepping through it.

I'm not going to change overnight, obviously. These learned behaviours are so deeply entrenched. But I have turned a corner I think and can see a different way ahead, which isn't just about the weight (which it never really was anyway). This is quite major for me!

Your weight loss/gain story is so like mine.

I know what you mean. Ketosis does give us a break from at least some of the stress. But I'm not sure it's sustainable for me. When I came off LL I was terrified of regaining, and terrified of carbs. And I maintained by being vigilant about my low carb plan. But I lost my way a bit. I wasn't eating enough fat to be fully satisfied with low carb (the low fat propaganda is everywhere and difficult to ignore) so bit by bit I weakened when faced with carbs... And here I am.

Except what I'm doing now is subtly different. I am trying really hard to stay in the moment and really feel what I'm feeling and stay with it, however much I don't want to. There has to be another way. It's very possible that a low carb high fat plan will end up being the optimum for me but I want to be calm around carbs, kind of neutral. And I think the only way to achieve that is by saying no food is off limits. The only thing to consider is will it make me feel better or worse? Now? In five hours' time?

Being honest about that is the difficult bit to learn. Because of course the carbs will make me happy. Now. In the moment of eating them. And sometimes that is ok. Cake is fun! (Lol). And biscuits and crisps and toast with butter. But sometimes being slim and feeling energetic is more fun...

I've been using packs as a quick fix. If I'm honest, I wanted a way to be able to binge on 'forbidden' foods and not face the consequences (not that I ever consciously realised this). Kind of telling myself 'i can binge but it will be ok as I can just go back on packs'.

Except it isn't. Because each time gets harder. As lots of people on here will agree. The bingeing started after lighter life. I'd always 'used' food inappropriately, but was good at identifying what I wanted to eat and making nourishing and genuine choices. But I ate too much as I never knew when i was full. And because I was using food, sometimes it was never going to satisfy me because what I was feeling wasn't hunger.

The massive carb binges came from denying myself, restricting myself, and telling myself I was a failure to have regained.

I'm stopping that and it feels lovely! I'm not a 'failure'. I've achieved a massive thing for me. I'm still loads lighter than I was, and more importantly, I am far closer to finding equilibrium than ever before.

It's not easy but it's worth it. In the words of the immortal ads, I've realised that actually I am worth it, too!!

Indeed. I've decided to give the 5:2 plan a go. I think its easier to stick to than packs. Although I cant quite understand why I managed to stick to the packs and not cheat one teeny bit for 6 months and now I cant even stick to the packs for a couple of days!