I love my children but......

[Lexie_dog]

dear gods... don't you lot instill discipline in your children?
I don't have any but my brother and I were taught to respect our elders and do as we're told..
if we didn't then we were punished.. none of this bargaining crap..
next time he answers back take something he likes ( a game maybe ) and smash it and leave it on his bed with a note saying that it will continue to happen if his behaviour doesn't improve.
his father should be hitting the boy when he's here and the boy is misbehaving..

Totally unacceptable. I know that sometimes we lose a lot of communication and inference in the written reply, but you really need to think about what you're saying, and more importantly how you are saying it. This is a large online community and whilst I respect the right to opinion and giving advice, there's ways of saying things and there's ways of alienating people who are looking for KIND advice.

Every generation has had "issues" with the youth of that era being deemed disrespectful and in need of more discipline. 50's had the mods and rockers etc so to just blanket sweep an entire generation of children is a bit knee-jerk.

I've been left with substantial psychological issues as a result of "punishment" meted out by my parents, and the "discipline" handed out was in my view excessive. I don't want, nor ask for sympathy, but I think for the broad sweeping message that your posts are coming across with that we need to violently discipline our children and that's the answer to societys problems is making me think you need to, in local parlance, "catch a grip".

I like to think I'm a good person IN SPITE of the harsh disciplinarian attitude of my father and not because of it.

I don't hit my dog either, I like to think I'm a bit more humane than that. I've NEVER hit her and she's well trained. A failing in her toileting habits would be a failure in my ownership, she responds to how I've reacted to her needs. Children are not dissimilar.

Do you know, having read the other replies of yours to this thread in the past few minutes, I don't think I like you at all. And that's a shame.

You talk of respect but show none. Either your beat 'em til they take note approach missed step with your attitude towards your peers, or you're just unpleasant. Pure bully by the sounds of this post.

Either way, I think you have burnt a good few bridges here, which overall is your loss.

 

[soccermom]

"The current generation of kids go round in hoodies and all have ASBO's because parents don't discipline their kids and the schools are no longer allowed to practice corporal punishment."


I never understand the notion that because a kid wears a hoody that equates to bad behaviour and ASBO's what a load of tosh.

My son was a national swimmer and encouraged to wear a hoody on cold mornings to keep warm not so he could go and smash in a shop window.

All my sons wear hoodies, all are law abidding have never been in trouble and wear them as part of their fashion and sports uniforms.

I also have a couple of hooded tops does that mean I need an ASBO to

Such sweeping generalisations do little to help the "current generation of kids" and such statements are surely nothing but ignorance.

 

[ColJack]

perhaps it's getting lost in translation to text, but I'm not advocating beating a child half to death here..
maybe the words "hitting the child" were ill chosen, what I was trying to get at is that if the child says nasty things to the mother etc then a clip round the ear from dad with words along the line of "Don't talk to your mother like that" is more apt to get a change in attitude than you will with "Good lad, you haven't been nasty and disrespectfull to your mother all day, let me buy you a new games console"..

stern words were often enough to curb any bad behaviour before it started with my brother and I. The tone of voice when my mother uttered the words "Don't you DARE!!!!" stopped us in our tracks..

 

[Lexie_dog]

No lets just smash up their possessions and leave them where they can find them. Much less harmful?

I once had a budgies when I was a teenager, and I loved them, One day the cat somehow managed to get into the cage, one budgie got out, the cat got it. These things happen.

I know this because I came home to find bits of said budgie all over the house. My father had left them as it would "teach me a lesson not to get so attached to things" in addition to his particular brand of discipline where a "smack" was not out of the question for minor infringements on his parental sensibilities. The budgie was payback for me being "cheeky" during the week, as at that point physical "discipline" had ceased to work as I just didn't feel it.

So yeah. Psychological abuse totally more acceptable than the physical stuff. And whilst we're at it, lets enforce your misogynistic patriarchal attitude in our children that the father is the only one to discipline our children. And lets make it physical all the time, I mean no father could ever communicate with his children eh? No, lets roll out the "clips around the ear"

This will be the last time I reply to you, your attitude makes me veer between despair and pity. Either way Ignore list for you I really have nothing more I want to say to you, and nothing more from you I want to read.

 

[big bear]

Unbelievable that's all I can say..

 

[fillymum]

dear gods... don't you lot instill discipline in your children?
I don't have any but my brother and I were taught to respect our elders and do as we're told..
if we didn't then we were punished.. none of this bargaining crap..
next time he answers back take something he likes ( a game maybe ) and smash it and leave it on his bed with a note saying that it will continue to happen if his behaviour doesn't improve.
his father should be hitting the boy when he's here and the boy is misbehaving..

Oh I TOO AM SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF.

What sort of example do you think it is to smash a toy and leave it on his bed as some sort of "trophy punishment"

To say that his father should be hitting him is a inconceivable.

What example do these two acts give to a young, impressionable child who is just finding his feet and flexing his muscles and going through a lot of what is normal behaviour all part of growing up in fact.
That sort of behaviour must breed like behaviour in the recipient. God Forbid.

My son was brought up to be polite, respectful and hardworking, without acts of vandalism or violence. His 2 children have been brought up the same way and are a credit to their parents.

Children learn by example.

 

[Piglet]

I just want to say thank you to everyone for their support and advice on my original post.... this week has been fab so far. One of the things we say at home is lets turn over a new leaf ie start again and I joke that we need a new tree cos we've run out of leaves! Well so far this week both children have been amazing, helpful, thoughtful and very conscientious. I did think that maybe I had brought home the wrong child!!

Thank you to those who added helpful comments. Sometimes you get caught up in the heat of things and I had forgotten about positive encouragement for the good behaviour and ignoring the bad. And working towards something nice has transformed my lost little boy into a bright happy little boy once again.

It takes good friends to help you through bad times and for that I am grateful xxx

 

[fillymum]

I'm not condoning beating a child black and blue here, a clip round the earhole or a smack across the back of the legs..

The current generation of kids go round in hoodies and all have ASBO's because parents don't discipline their kids and the schools are no longer allowed to practice corporal punishment.
They are spoiled little sods who get what they want despite showing no respect and by throwing tantrums.
What happened to the days of "just wait until your dad gets home!!" as a threat to get kids to behave.. ?
For those of you with a religious bent, doesn't it even say in the bible somewhere about "spare not the rod lest ye spoil the child"?

The OP only got the boy to behave by threatening to take away something that he wanted, so how is that any different to taking away something that he already has and likes?
My mother got me to keep my room relatively tidy by once ( and it only took once ) destroying anything that was left lying about on the floor after repeated warnings to tidy my room and put things away.

did you grow up to be an unruly and inconsiderate little so and so? or did the fact that you'd get a smack make you realise that the behaviour that warranted such an act was unacceptable?

do you praise your dog for peeing outdoors, or smack then on the nose with a newspaper when they piddle all over the rug?

perhaps it's getting lost in translation to text, but I'm not advocating beating a child half to death here..
maybe the words "hitting the child" were ill chosen, what I was trying to get at is that if the child says nasty things to the mother etc then a clip round the ear from dad with words along the line of "Don't talk to your mother like that" is more apt to get a change in attitude than you will with "Good lad, you haven't been nasty and disrespectfull to your mother all day, let me buy you a new games console"..

stern words were often enough to curb any bad behaviour before it started with my brother and I. The tone of voice when my mother uttered the words "Don't you DARE!!!!" stopped us in our tracks..

Just read back what you have written.

When you have kids looks like you could be a perfect case for calling in Social Services.

This will also be the last time I respond to your Victorian attitudes and barbaric remedies.

Piglet........... I promise you that as ancient old crone with a 46 year old baby (they stay your babies forever), they do get better and better. Every age has it's drawbacks and it's advantages. But nothing overrides the joy of being a mum.

You are obviously a caring and loving parent. You would not have come to us on here in the first place otherwise.

hugs to you and your babes xxxxxxx

 

[Claireybella]

Originally Posted by ColJack
I'm not condoning beating a child black and blue here, a clip round the earhole or a smack across the back of the legs..

The current generation of kids go round in hoodies and all have ASBO's because parents don't discipline their kids and the schools are no longer allowed to practice corporal punishment.
They are spoiled little sods who get what they want despite showing no respect and by throwing tantrums.
What happened to the days of "just wait until your dad gets home!!" as a threat to get kids to behave.. ?
For those of you with a religious bent, doesn't it even say in the bible somewhere about "spare not the rod lest ye spoil the child"?

The OP only got the boy to behave by threatening to take away something that he wanted, so how is that any different to taking away something that he already has and likes?
My mother got me to keep my room relatively tidy by once ( and it only took once ) destroying anything that was left lying about on the floor after repeated warnings to tidy my room and put things away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColJack
did you grow up to be an unruly and inconsiderate little so and so? or did the fact that you'd get a smack make you realise that the behaviour that warranted such an act was unacceptable?

do you praise your dog for peeing outdoors, or smack then on the nose with a newspaper when they piddle all over the rug?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColJack
perhaps it's getting lost in translation to text, but I'm not advocating beating a child half to death here..
maybe the words "hitting the child" were ill chosen, what I was trying to get at is that if the child says nasty things to the mother etc then a clip round the ear from dad with words along the line of "Don't talk to your mother like that" is more apt to get a change in attitude than you will with "Good lad, you haven't been nasty and disrespectfull to your mother all day, let me buy you a new games console"..

stern words were often enough to curb any bad behaviour before it started with my brother and I. The tone of voice when my mother uttered the words "Don't you DARE!!!!" stopped us in our tracks..


I'm with everyone else here, thank god you don't have children! Maybe when you do, you'll see that raising them is not all black and white, right and wrong, or easy. I was smacked as a child and vowed to never do that to my kids. Occasionally, they do get a smack but then I feel incredibly guilty because I lost control of the situation. As the mother and adult, you aren't meant to.

As for threatening them with "wait till your father gets home!" is it not better to deal with the situation there and then, rather than drag it out? As punishment for my boys, I take things away from them or ban them from things they enjoy. It doesn't happen often, thankfully, cos maybe I've bought my kids up correctly, maybe not in your eyes.

As for hoodies, my two boys, hubby and myself all wear these occasionally, does that make us yobs with ASBO's? It's a label because someone unintelligent couldn't think of something else!

 

[jaylou]

I'm also in the "you shouldn't hit your children" camp. I was hit as a child and I swore I'd never smack my children. It does no good at all, nor does smashing up their things. If anything it makes you resentful of your parents and can breed hatred which is not a good thing.
I do think it's all about psychology these days not violence. A clip round the ear is so much less effective than "if you are not rude to me today I'll let you have an extra half hour on the nintendo/playstation/computer". Reward is so much more effective than threats.

The only thing I'd really really try hard not to do piglet, is argue with him. I know it's hard (I've an 11 yr old) but if you argue then you've come down to their level and, as an adult, we are the grown up one!
Just walk away and say you will speak to him when he has calmed down.

Hope things are good for you today hun. xxx

 

[sarah83]

Just read through this thread. I don't yet have children and find it really interesting to read different mothers' (and fathers') experiences for when I do.

But ColJack - I am completely shocked by your threads, how can you come onto a friendly forum like this and give such barbaric and critical comments?

Since I joined this forum in January, this is the first time I've been truly shocked and offended by someone's comments. I just hope it's also the last.

Good luck piglet - you're doing the right thing coming on here for advice - even if only to understand you're not the only one who goes through these experiences.
((Big hugs)) for you

Oh and clearly I'm another one in the asbo yob camp... as I'm wearing a hoodie right now!

 

[Claireybella]

Piglet, my son is turning 10 in a few weeks, and he is exactly the same with me at times (ask Ellebear, he played up at hers the other week, to which I quietly took him to the end of the end of the garden and had words) The school nurse mentioned at a meeting at the end of the summer term to expect hormonal changes in our kids, mood swings etc, in the next year. I don't use that as an excuse to his behaviour, but at least it's at the back of my mind as to why he could be behaving that way. You are not alone, all us mums and dads are going through it/been through it/will be going through it!

(((hugs)))

 

[alwyn]

Since I joined this forum in January, this is the first time I've been truly shocked and offended by someone's comments. I just hope it's also the last.

I feel exactly the same hon!! Hope I never have to read it again.

Glad to hear your son's being good this week Piglet, long may it continue!!

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

Oh and clearly I'm another one in the asbo yob camp... as I'm wearing a hoodie right now!

me too!

 

[ColJack]

I'll keep my opinions on the subject to myself in future then.

 

[fillymum]

I'll keep my opinions on the subject to myself in future then.

Good. So pleased to see that because not one of the other members on the site who have participated in this thread agree with you.

This is a fabulous site. One were we all come for advice, support, sympathy and a very special sort of cyber love and affection plus of course the backup for our SW life.

The longer you are around the more you will see of how the site works. No one is confrontational. We all have the ability to debate and to interact with one another.

This is the first time for most of us that we have seen this kind of reaction to some ones comments.