If he doesn't like you the way you are....what then?

[botozi]

OMG, these kind of stories give me the creeps. My sis is married to a man who adores woman who are very slim (almost anorexic). When my sis gained some weight (she was still slim) that became a real issue with her husband because he told her over and over again she became fat (while he looks like a big buddha with his tummy hanging all over, brrrr).
Those kind of man make that woman develop an eating disorder and think very low of themselves.

I met my husband when i was at my heaviest (117 kg!) and he adored me from day one. He likes it that i'm loosing weight, supports me and compliments me but he also says he found me attractive when i was fat.

This is how love should be, isn't it?

Hugs
botozi

 

[Russiandoll]

I sort of have the opposite problem. I met my husband when I was about 18st - he was very slim but fancied the pants off me as I was: I could never understand it though as I don't feel sexy or attractive when I'm really big. He has NEVER had an issue with me being very overweight but, oddly, he finds it difficult when I get thinner.

Last time I lost a lot of weight (2006), he said he almost felt like he was 'cheating' because it felt like he was in bed with an unrecognisable woman (I guess because CD works so fast). By the time I was down to 12st 7lb (from 22st at my heaviest) he was struggling with the 'bones' he could feel. He really finds bony bits on women unattractive.

He LOVES the thinner me with regards to the confidence and energy it gives me but cuddle-wise, likes me bigger.
I've decided to carry on with the weight loss (he's very supportive) but not be hell-bent on getting to a certain weight - I'll be guided by how I feel and also how hubby feels ... there must be a compromise we'll both be happy with

Incidentally - as far as being comfortable about being seen naked - that day will never come. Hubby has NEVER seen me standing bolt upright naked and never will. I don't 'do' naked.

 

[Amber34]

Wow, brilliant thread.

I've been through this too. My partner and I knew each other for a couple of years before we got together and circumstances made us best friends before we became an item.

I was a size 12 when we first met and a 14 when we got together. When, a year or so later, I started moaning about putting on weight he simply said that he had noticed too and asked why I didn't do something about it.

When I was bulging out of my size 16s and every seam was looking to burst, he asked why I was allowing that to happen.

When the 16s didn't go on anymore and some 18s were getting a bit tight he finally told me (very straight, without flowering it up) that although he still loved me, he no longer found me as attractive as he did before and that carrying on gaining 10 lbs every year was actually going to make things worse. I was totally miserable about him saying that and ate just to spite him! I was also bloody miserable about my weight.

Throughout all this made half hearted attempts to diet, then started Cambridge without telling him - that secret only lasted a few days - you just have to share stuff with your best friend!

What he said didn't spur the diet, but it was a constant niggle in my head. Carrying too much weight doesn't suit me - as every shop window I walked past reminded me. I knew I needed to lose weight for me, and the kudos I got from seeing the scales drop and my 'fat jeans' drop to my ankles was incredible.

I'm back to a size 14 and feel so much better. He thinks I have done fantastically well and tells me how good I look and how much he fancies me.

I can't slag him off for being honest with me - I would rather he was truthful with me than leave me wondering why our relationship had changed.

I couldn't tell anyone to finish with a partner because of their honesty, no matter how much that truth hurts. Surely it's better to be upfront and honest than to spend years living a lie.

 

[IWILLSUCCEED!]

I met my husband when i was at my heaviest (117 kg!) and he adored me from day one. He likes it that i'm loosing weight, supports me and compliments me but he also says he found me attractive when i was fat.

This is how love should be, isn't it?

Hugs
botozi

Hi,
Yes - I think this IS how love should be. Sadly it often isn't and partners aren't always supportive, or they want you to be fat (makes them feel you won't run off with the milkman!lol).
I've had that kind of relationship and would never want to go back there.
I'm now with a lovely guy who has never said I'm big although I've seen myself growing with my own eyes! I've put on about 3 stone since I got together with him but he's always said to me when I've moaned about being fat that I'm NOT fat, just slightly overweight (denial!?) However, he really is supporting me on this CD and I love him for loving me the way I am - whatever I weigh.
As for going naked with him - he would like me to but it is my own hangups about my body that stop me wanting him to see me - I always want to cover up if he comes in while I'm in the shower or use loads of bubble bath!lol
Perhaps this will change as I shrink - who knows!!!lol
Good thread BTW! Thanks for starting it.
Tansyx

 

[weepoppet]

WE don't like ourselves fat. WE don't find ourselves attractive when we are fat, why are we being hard on someone who is just thinking what we think?

And no, we are not the same people on the inside under our blubber, we are insecure and unhappy, stopping ourselves from doing so much more with out lives because of our FAT!!

Love and attraction are 2 completely different things. I love my OH, but find his figure unattractive, he finds my figure unattractive. I respect the fact we can be honest.

The truth does hurt.

Alison

 

[Russiandoll]

I think that if I heard "I love the 'you' inside but don't like the way you look on the outside" I'd be more than hurt - I'd be destroyed. I know I don't like how I look myself but if I heard my OH say the same then I'd always have hang-ups that, even if I lost the weight, he wouldn't fancy me because of varicose veins / wrinkles / grey hair ... anything on the outside.

My OH is paranoid about the fact he's losing his hair although I fancy him as much as ever: I know I'd love him and fancy him whatever he looked like because it's what's behind his gorgeous brown eyes that does it for me - for ME, love is a 'connection' and has bu**er all to do with anything on the outside.

But that's just me I suppose - everyone is different.

 

[Sambucca]

Great thread

I am so lucky to have a husband who adores me, regardless of what I look like. I have never been skinny since ive known him but have gone from a size 16 when we met, up to a very snug 20 over about 8 years, and back down to a 14/16. Im still trying to lose weight but I know that I am doing it for me as I am the one who is not happy with the way I look.

He supports and encourages me with my diet/exercise or whatever im doing at the time, and we joke about us being a pair of fatties, but there is no malice or harm intended in our comments. If he ever said that he didnt fancy me and wanted me to lose weight I would be devestated.

I suppose in reality most blokes would love to have a skinny, gorgeous bird on their arm, but if your man truly truly loves you, then your appearance shouldnt be an issue for him.

 

[Russiandoll]

I suppose in reality most blokes would love to have a skinny, gorgeous bird on their arm, ...

Mine is definitely the exception. He loves curves (although I think I've gone past the 'curvy' stage ) ... women under a size 14 do nothing for him. (Luckily for me!!)

Your OH sounds like a diamond Sam

 

[NewLife4Me]

An update on my story, we are together now, he came to see me for 10 days back in November-went fab! Then I went to his place at Xmas and met his family, I was so nervous about it (thinking that they would make comments to him about moiiii), but I must say it went very well, and he is evenmore so into me, and I'm going back over to his at Easter for 1 week. Can't wait, hope to be looking slimmer by then too!

 

[BIG BIRDY]

NewLife4Me Thats agreat story! Thanks for sharing and updating!

My hubby said I was fat and unattractive when I was only 7lb over what I was when we got married, and just weeks after the birth of our DD. I was a 10/12 then. I had postnatal depression then, and his words stung hard. So I thought he doesn't fancy me, I will give him fat and unattractive, and everyday I went to the shop to get chocolates and ate them ALL on the way back home pushing the pram. I went to a 16/18 in less than a year and our sex life went into a void. ( or avoid) where it stayed for years. I lost 3 1/2 st on LT 2 years ago which he admired, said I felt different when he touched me but that was that. We get on fine but no intimacy. This time I'M doing CD for me. This time I will keep it off, as no matter what I do things can't return to what they were.
Sorry to bleat on.

 

[Barb]

This is a very powerful thread. Really made me think. My OH loves me however I look, I knwo that and am glad of it. I also think he prefers me lighter because then I am happier. He thinks it is awful how women are constantly trying to change themselves. He particularly blames magazines for twisting our minds. I honestly don't think he gives 'looks' a lot of thought MOST of the time. But, I remember being on holiday once, when I was at the lowest weight I'd been for years (about 2 stone less than now) and I sat at a table whilst he went to get drinks from the bar. When he came back he said ' I've been looking round for you for ages, I didn't recognise you from the back you a
have changed shape so much'. Made me think, pleased me greatly at the time.

So does he love me as I am? Yes! Would he love me more if I was thinnner? No! But, I would love me more, thats for sure!

 

[Sambucca]

Mine is definitely the exception. He loves curves (although I think I've gone past the 'curvy' stage ) ... women under a size 14 do nothing for him. (Luckily for me!!)

Your OH sounds like a diamond Sam

Thanks RD. He is a diamond and it sounds like yours is too.

Im sure my hubby would hate it if I got too skinny but im only planning to get to bmi 28 which im hoping will be a size 12 - 14 as Im in a 14 - 16 now.

 

[Russiandoll]

I think I'd be a very happy bunny at a size 14