If he doesn't like you the way you are....what then?
- Thread starter NewLife4Me
- Start date
Yes I am well chuffed - hit the 7 stone mark last night. Boyfriend happy cos my mood is improved so much though I am struggling with some mood swings possibly pill related. He is also enjoying my new found love of cooking (I am not cheating - just enjoy the preparation without the eating!) as are my work colleagues who all loved my jam tarts and strawberry cookies this week!
It's weird, back in June when I started I never would have imagined being 7 stone lighter in just 5 months but it feels good to have got here and be within sight of my goal!
It's weird, back in June when I started I never would have imagined being 7 stone lighter in just 5 months but it feels good to have got here and be within sight of my goal!
lucylu0802
Got to stop eating!
I'd love to get your ideas and feedback to my current situation, I say "current" as I reallyyyyyyy hope it won't be permanent.....
I met a guy back in 2001 when I was a size 14......we recently met up again, I am now a 16/18. Nothing was said initially, but as the weekend progressed it all came to the surface:cry:, he just doesn't fancy me being this size. He did say you have the most beautiful face, smile, eyes...BUTTTTTTTTT the size thing hinders it! I got upset:cry::cry::cry:, and told him "what about the person, what about ME, I'm still the same person"....he taught about it and said YES you are right, but deep down I know he wants me to be slimmer.
Has anybody been in this horrible situation???? Is he a stinker?? OR is this the reality check-in I so need to get moving????
reading this thread has really angered me! How can so many beautiful, intelligent women let a man treat you all like this! SO what if you have changed since 2001!! I bet his willy has shrivellled up since then anyway and I bet if you pointed out one of the bad things about him.... which I am sure there will be many.... such as age related impotence.... receeding hair line etc... then he would get into a strop and run a mile!
At the end of the day the only person who should feel uncomfortable about your body is you! NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT!!!!! If you guys are gonna make a go of this he needs to shut the F up!
Can I ask a personal question though.... did he ACTUALLY say anything about it or was it your paranoia making you put words in his mouth? I did this a lot when I was bigger and now that I have lost weight people will say things like oh I din't think you had that much to lose and stuff like that! I know that question may seem a bit harsh and I am sorry if I have offended you in any way... but sometimes we put our own low self esteem issues onto other people and at the end of the day he is still coming to see you for 10 days and therefore is able to see past any extra layers of insullation you may or may not be carrying!
Sorry to ramble on and I really don't mean to offend anybody!! You are all such wonderful individuals and I take it personally if someone makes rude comments!
Shazpaz
Regular Member
I do find this a really tough subject, coz like most of you girls I'd slap my man silly if he said to me he wasnt going to have sex with me until I lost weight! My hubby has never said I need to lose weight, but I did feel guilty because we met when I was a size 12 and its not his fault I put the weight on. He does love me for who I am, but I think fat is ugly......on me especially. I dont look anywhere near as good as when I'm slim and I could kinda understand it if he 'inside' didnt find me as physically attractive, but I know he would never say it to me because he does love me and he would know how much that would hurt me......a partner should be there for you, to support and not to bring upset into your life......if they do then you have to ask is the relationship going to work.
NewLife4Me
Full Member
reading this thread has really angered me! How can so many beautiful, intelligent women let a man treat you all like this! SO what if you have changed since 2001!! I bet his willy has shrivellled up since then anyway and I bet if you pointed out one of the bad things about him.... which I am sure there will be many.... such as age related impotence.... receeding hair line etc... then he would get into a strop and run a mile!
At the end of the day the only person who should feel uncomfortable about your body is you! NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT!!!!! If you guys are gonna make a go of this he needs to shut the F up!
Can I ask a personal question though.... did he ACTUALLY say anything about it or was it your paranoia making you put words in his mouth? I did this a lot when I was bigger and now that I have lost weight people will say things like oh I din't think you had that much to lose and stuff like that! I know that question may seem a bit harsh and I am sorry if I have offended you in any way... but sometimes we put our own low self esteem issues onto other people and at the end of the day he is still coming to see you for 10 days and therefore is able to see past any extra layers of insullation you may or may not be carrying!
Sorry to ramble on and I really don't mean to offend anybody!! You are all such wonderful individuals and I take it personally if someone makes rude comments!
_________________________________________________
Hi Lucylu.........
to answer your question, nothing was actually said directly at first.....it just started with him saying, so how long were you out of action when you tore the calf muscle in your leg (twice it happeened) (during this time I was on crutches, couldn't do my daily routine of swims and powerwalking)...so I read between the lines that Ooohhhooooooo....he's saying I've got fat.....so it just all started from then on! At no time did he insult me, barge at me or be nasty to me about my size increase...just that he would like if I was a little slimmer.
I know you will say he is a DIRTY RAT and BIN HIM, But I know myself I have to get back to the old me as I hate being like this!
At the end of the day the only person who should feel uncomfortable about your body is you! NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT!!!!! If you guys are gonna make a go of this he needs to shut the F up!
Can I ask a personal question though.... did he ACTUALLY say anything about it or was it your paranoia making you put words in his mouth? I did this a lot when I was bigger and now that I have lost weight people will say things like oh I din't think you had that much to lose and stuff like that! I know that question may seem a bit harsh and I am sorry if I have offended you in any way... but sometimes we put our own low self esteem issues onto other people and at the end of the day he is still coming to see you for 10 days and therefore is able to see past any extra layers of insullation you may or may not be carrying!
Sorry to ramble on and I really don't mean to offend anybody!! You are all such wonderful individuals and I take it personally if someone makes rude comments!
_________________________________________________
Hi Lucylu.........
to answer your question, nothing was actually said directly at first.....it just started with him saying, so how long were you out of action when you tore the calf muscle in your leg (twice it happeened) (during this time I was on crutches, couldn't do my daily routine of swims and powerwalking)...so I read between the lines that Ooohhhooooooo....he's saying I've got fat.....so it just all started from then on! At no time did he insult me, barge at me or be nasty to me about my size increase...just that he would like if I was a little slimmer.
I know you will say he is a DIRTY RAT and BIN HIM, But I know myself I have to get back to the old me as I hate being like this!
Just do it for yourself !, to be honest I wouldnt even think about starting a relationship until you are happy with yourself, you will always think that he thinks you are too fat, believe me I have been there, I was a painfully skinny size 6/8 in my mid twenties because I was with a guy who plainly stated he liked skinny girls, I threw up everything I ate and I was paranoid about putting on even a pound in case I lost him. I met my husband and things changed, he made me feel secure enough to know that he would love me no matter what, granted I put on loads of weight, but my head was sorted and I felt loved. The weight I am losing now is to bring me back to a healthy size 10/12 I wouldnt even attempt or even want to go down the same route as I did in my twenties. Just be careful honey that is all we are saying x
clairelesley
Fairy Princess to Be
With me it's not so much my boyfriend, but my mum. The boyf can be exasperatingly 'supportive' at times; it's great that he thinks I'm lovely no matter what I look like but I have to constantly explain what he has to say/do to be supportive because he just doesn't quite 'get it'. He doesn't see why I shouldn't succumb to my cravings!
My mum on the other hand; two years ago she not so subtly told me she was really worried coz I was too fat. I don't doubt that it was genuine concern that prompted it, but now that I have shifted a fair amount all I get is 'just watch you don't lose too much' and 'don't overdo it' and 'another 2lbs? Isn't that a lot?' There's a fine line between external motivation and external pressure and different people will react differently (positively or negatively) to each. You have to work out for yourself what works best for you.
You can't win so, to reiterate just about every other (completely right) post, you kinda have to do it for yourself, for your own happiness and your own wellbeing.
My mum on the other hand; two years ago she not so subtly told me she was really worried coz I was too fat. I don't doubt that it was genuine concern that prompted it, but now that I have shifted a fair amount all I get is 'just watch you don't lose too much' and 'don't overdo it' and 'another 2lbs? Isn't that a lot?' There's a fine line between external motivation and external pressure and different people will react differently (positively or negatively) to each. You have to work out for yourself what works best for you.
You can't win so, to reiterate just about every other (completely right) post, you kinda have to do it for yourself, for your own happiness and your own wellbeing.
Sussex Girl
Full Member
I'm probably going to get slated for saying this but I can actually see the mans point of view here.
There have been so many posts on this thread that I can't remember who said what, but a good point was made by someone who commented on the fact that most of us hate being fat and that's why we are here to do something about it.
I totally agree that the only way to diet is to do it for yourself, but I know I'm different when I'm fat. I hate myself, so how can I expect anyone else to love me.
Chika made the point that no matter how wrong it is we are judged to a degree by how we look, and a new relationship is always going to be based partly on physical attraction, no matter how right or wrong that is.
I think it's an entirely different subject if you are married etc and put on a bit of weight. By this point you love each other and the relationship is much deeper. You can't really compare it to starting out with someone new, when you know little about each other and have nothing already there to build on.
I put on loads of weight when I was married and my ex still loved me, fat or thin, but I also know that right now I look fat and ugly and there is no way I would be able to start a new relationship with anyone, even if I wanted to (which I don't right now). I would hate to strip off in front of someone new etc feeling how I do about myself.
I think everyone is different and maybe it's a subject we will never all agree on.
At the end of the day being slimmer is healthier and I KNOW I'm happier the lighter I am, so maybe this makes me a nicer person to know.
I probably haven't explained myself very well but I hope I've sort of made my point in the right way.
There have been so many posts on this thread that I can't remember who said what, but a good point was made by someone who commented on the fact that most of us hate being fat and that's why we are here to do something about it.
I totally agree that the only way to diet is to do it for yourself, but I know I'm different when I'm fat. I hate myself, so how can I expect anyone else to love me.
Chika made the point that no matter how wrong it is we are judged to a degree by how we look, and a new relationship is always going to be based partly on physical attraction, no matter how right or wrong that is.
I think it's an entirely different subject if you are married etc and put on a bit of weight. By this point you love each other and the relationship is much deeper. You can't really compare it to starting out with someone new, when you know little about each other and have nothing already there to build on.
I put on loads of weight when I was married and my ex still loved me, fat or thin, but I also know that right now I look fat and ugly and there is no way I would be able to start a new relationship with anyone, even if I wanted to (which I don't right now). I would hate to strip off in front of someone new etc feeling how I do about myself.
I think everyone is different and maybe it's a subject we will never all agree on.
At the end of the day being slimmer is healthier and I KNOW I'm happier the lighter I am, so maybe this makes me a nicer person to know.
I probably haven't explained myself very well but I hope I've sort of made my point in the right way.
Shazpaz
Regular Member
Hi Sussex Girl........I agree with you as well. You cannot help what you find attractive. I would hate my husband to put loads of weight on. I would still ALWAYS love him, but I prefer him slimmer and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. He has NEVER said so, but I know he finds me more attractive when I've lost weight. Lets just say now I've lost weight he seems a lot more keen on sex then he did a few months ago and I do understand that fully. I feel more confident in myself and that in itself is very sexy. I'm not hiding under huge pajamas anymore. What I would never forgive is if he had ever said he wouldnt have sex with me. That would be the most dreadful thing to hear.
Sussex Girl
Full Member
Thanks Sharon - I think you probably put it much better than I did. You've made exactly the right point - the mind cannot help what it finds attractive, however you've made a good point about being fat in a marriage etc.
I definately agree with both of you - I was so depressed when I was really overweight I couldn't really believe when my boyfriend paid me a compliment, I was constantly doubting it and I was miserable. I am so much happier now and he is too not just becasue I am healthier but because we have been able to get closer and happier again. If I was happy being very overweight it wouldn't have been a problem in our relationship but my depression just made me back away and was starting to drive a wedge between us. I'm much happier now though!
MsJMC
Strong women stay slim
I guess , there are some men that are chubby chasers and some like voluptuous , some like them thin or meduim . but if they met you slim and you changed shape and they said something you can only take that onboard and try to do something , i do know theres alot of men that dont like women over weight , but we all have our likes and dislikes .
Tinley
Full Member
I agree with Shazpaz about not being able to help who you find attractive. I really don't feel attracted to short or very skinny or bald or blond men. I love my hubby to bits and can't imagine that would ever change, but if he ever decided to lose loads of weight or shave his head I don't know that I would still fancy him as much.
Newlife4me - I would never say "bin him" or anything like that because I can understand where he's coming from. He loves you and finds you attractive, but he has said that he might find you more attractive if you lost a little bit of weight. Same as if he might (for instance) find you more attractive if you wore your hair down/used red lipstick/smiled more, talked dirty, etc (these are just examples - I'm not for one minute presuming that he would or wouldn't find you more or less attractive if you did or didn't do any of these things)!!! Blimey, I'm so terrified of offending anyone on here that I'm having to write an essay to get over what I mean To be honest I would find my OH more attractive if he was a bit more toned and a bit less hairy-backed and a bit less windy......but it doesn't stop me loving him!
When all's said and done, you need to lose weight for yourself and to make yourself feel better - if making your OH happier is what it takes to make you feel better, then that's ok, but if you're happy fat and are ONLY losing weight to please someone else, then I would suggest you think twice about it.
Sorry for rambling.......and sorry to anyone I may have offended.
Lesley
Newlife4me - I would never say "bin him" or anything like that because I can understand where he's coming from. He loves you and finds you attractive, but he has said that he might find you more attractive if you lost a little bit of weight. Same as if he might (for instance) find you more attractive if you wore your hair down/used red lipstick/smiled more, talked dirty, etc (these are just examples - I'm not for one minute presuming that he would or wouldn't find you more or less attractive if you did or didn't do any of these things)!!! Blimey, I'm so terrified of offending anyone on here that I'm having to write an essay to get over what I mean
To be honest I would find my OH more attractive if he was a bit more toned and a bit less hairy-backed and a bit less windy......but it doesn't stop me loving him!When all's said and done, you need to lose weight for yourself and to make yourself feel better - if making your OH happier is what it takes to make you feel better, then that's ok, but if you're happy fat and are ONLY losing weight to please someone else, then I would suggest you think twice about it.
Sorry for rambling.......and sorry to anyone I may have offended.
Lesley
NewLife4Me
Full Member
)) Thanks galsxxx
Shazpaz
Regular Member
Hi Newlifeforme........You'll be amazed how sexy you will feel once you start to lose weight. Even a few pounds makes you feel more positive about yourself. You'll be fighting him off telling him you've got a headache..........he'll be begging YOU!!! Like the girls said do it for yourself.......then you'll be in control and wont that be a wonderful feeling.
lucylu0802
Got to stop eating!
I think if you want it then that is fine but it does sound a bit like, as you said yourself, you have read between the lines! He sounds like he still likes you and obviously you still like him! But maybe you need to put the "reading between lines" at rest and just let things happen how they want to happen! If that makes sense!
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
This is an old thread, and I am not sure how I ended up on it exactly! But - I did and it struck a chord...so here I am!
Hello there!! I usually post on the LL forum, but could relate to this so thought I would add my comments.
When I married my first husband in 1985 I weighed about 10 stone. (I only know I was thin by looking at actual photos - at the time I felt horribly fat, but thats another story!). I am 5'6" so that was quite slim.
After the first year or two of marraige, we started having some real problems. I couldnt' figure out what I was doing wrong, but my husband was always mad at me. We were always fighting. It was terribly upsetting because I felt I was a good wife. I could never put my finger on what happened.
One day, we were having one helluva a fight, and I cried out, "I can;t take you being so mean to me anymore!!! How can either of us change and make the situation better if you are always mean to me!!??"
He replied to me, and I will never forget the cold look in his eyes...."I will be nice to you again, when you lose weight." I had gained 10 pounds in the two years we were married. And that was reason enough to treat me like his worst enemy. Like I was a peice of poo on the bottom of his shoe. I wll never, ever forget that moment - can see it right now as clearly as if it was yesterday. It was a real knife in the heart moment.
Needless to say, he is my EX husband now. Not just over that - it took years after that, but that was the beginning of the end.
Someone has to love you as you are, good bad and ugly for anything to work. ANd likewise for you. Natural attraction does come in to play, of course, and had he told me gently he found it unnattractive, I might have been willing to take it off. Unfotunately, it had devestating efects on me, my self esteem and my weight. Thats one of the very major factors in what has gotten me to where I am today.
My husband now, loves me fat, thin, happy, sad, he'd love me if I was purple with green dots. Thats what its all about.
Hello there!! I usually post on the LL forum, but could relate to this so thought I would add my comments.
When I married my first husband in 1985 I weighed about 10 stone. (I only know I was thin by looking at actual photos - at the time I felt horribly fat, but thats another story!). I am 5'6" so that was quite slim.
After the first year or two of marraige, we started having some real problems. I couldnt' figure out what I was doing wrong, but my husband was always mad at me. We were always fighting. It was terribly upsetting because I felt I was a good wife. I could never put my finger on what happened.
One day, we were having one helluva a fight, and I cried out, "I can;t take you being so mean to me anymore!!! How can either of us change and make the situation better if you are always mean to me!!??"
He replied to me, and I will never forget the cold look in his eyes...."I will be nice to you again, when you lose weight." I had gained 10 pounds in the two years we were married. And that was reason enough to treat me like his worst enemy. Like I was a peice of poo on the bottom of his shoe. I wll never, ever forget that moment - can see it right now as clearly as if it was yesterday. It was a real knife in the heart moment.
Needless to say, he is my EX husband now. Not just over that - it took years after that, but that was the beginning of the end.
Someone has to love you as you are, good bad and ugly for anything to work. ANd likewise for you. Natural attraction does come in to play, of course, and had he told me gently he found it unnattractive, I might have been willing to take it off. Unfotunately, it had devestating efects on me, my self esteem and my weight. Thats one of the very major factors in what has gotten me to where I am today.
My husband now, loves me fat, thin, happy, sad, he'd love me if I was purple with green dots. Thats what its all about.
Shazpaz
Regular Member
Glad you got through it and found yourself a good one. My husband is exactly the same.........we are very lucky!!!
