Izzy's Diary - which she WILL keep!!

[minusfour]

You are so welcome. I'm really proud of how brave you are being. It will get easier!
I think almost everyone living in the western world now has some degree of distorted eating and body image. Food means good, bad,organic, morally produced, locally produced-on and on- it speaks to us. I can't even imagine the simplicity of just eating whatever was on hand because I was hungry. (What would one do with their time and energy then? There was a feminist book- Fat is A Feminist Issue- published a few years ago that proposed, in part, that the female obsession with body image was neatly diverting our attention away from Board Room Positions etc!)

NEVER give in to it darling. Always pick yourself up the next day. It takes you no where you want to end up!

Now, tell us about the party prep- how many RSVPs now?

 

[izzywizz]

time for another line, I think
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The party is getting a little crazy numbers wise, every time someone said they couldn't come I just invited someone else and now there are 50 people on the yes list!

I'm doing a lucky dip for everyone who takes part in the treasure hunt, and last weekend OH and me spent an hour wrapping up various things from Hawkins bazaar. It's great in there, they sell all those little toys kids seem to love, you know, stretchy yellow men and bouncy balls, foam aeroplanes, all that jazz. I got loads of stuff, too much really and it only cost £10.

We're also having a "pairs game" everyone will have to wear a sticky label with a Disney character on it, they then have to find the person who is their "partner". Hopefully it'll be a bit of an ice breaker.

It's getting really close now and I'm really excited - I just hope the weather holds out because It's rained ALL WEEK. Fingers crossed thats our lot for the next 8 days or so!

 

[Pink!]

OMG I love that shop! Addictive man.

Have just been reading through what I've missed. Sorry you're having a rough time of it. I haven't experienced anything akin to what you've been going through, I've just always been fat, so the voices in my head are the fatty saying 'just have it' and the voice that hates catching glimpses int he mirror saying 'put it down fatty'. lol. But what I can say is that you're doing really well, by writing down all of your feelings in here you're actively addressing the issues that you're going through thus making them weaker.

I hope that things look up

Ooo your party is gona be sooooo awesome. Love the partners idea!

 

[minusfour]

Fifty?! Wow! Everything sounds great, will you post any pictures afterwards? How will the treasure hunt work?

 

[izzywizz]

Thanks Pink, I know you're right

Well, the treasure hunt is worryingly still quite vague. I think I'm going to hide the treasure around the garden and ask people to bring back 5 items in order to win a go at the lucky dip. I reckon it'll be better to have people doing it as and when they like, rather than trying to organize a mass hunt which would realistically be over in a few minutes.

OH is on sticky label duty for the pairs game, and I'm not sure what to do about the Pinata, possibly if I cut my cake (Mum's making me a princess castle cake ) i could do it then, as we'll all be together to watch... Oh, it'll come together lol! JUST PLEEEAASE DON'T RAIN!!!

Atm, we're having a bit of a nightmare with knowing how many people want to camp for the night. My sister is a deputy manager for a camping shop, so we have plenty of tents, it's just figuring out how many and where to put them thats causing the headache. I think we're just going to whack them all up and let people fight it out. If they don't get used then it's no problem.

We bought all the frozen food today, much to Mum's irritation, we've filled up the freezer. I thought we had a great bargain in Iceland where we bought 48 burgers for £4. Got them home and realized they are "Chicken and beef blended." LOL, no one will know if we don't tell them they aren't 100% beef. And I doubt anyone will have any objection to chicken anyway - it's pork we need to be careful with as a couple of my friends are Muslim.

We also bought £5 worth of pick n mix, which may have been a mistake as that stuff is like some sort of drug to me. It's secure in the pinata box on top of Mum's wardrobe, but it's calling me lol. The woman on the till thought We were crazy buying so much "You'll be sick if you eat all that." She said, and then gave us a very odd look when we said it was for a party. Miserable cow.

Erm, so yeah, it's mostly all done now. Just the salad and veg to buy on Friday (My actual Birthday) And the cakes to ice and the food will be sorted. Tents and gazebos are going up on Friday too and I'll decorate Saturday morning.

I'm getting really excited now, though I know it's only going to work if everyone enters into the spirit of things. I have visions of them all sitting around looking awkward and then going home at 8pm.

In my fantasy of the perfect party though, everyone mingles and theres lots of laughing, spontaneous dancing and everyone joins in the games. Then, the people staying the night all gather around the BBQ which will undoubtedly have turned into a camp fire by then, finishing up the drink and chatting till late. Followed by a hungover, but fun breakfast of Bacon rolls the next day, discussing the night before.

Argh, now I'm nervous! I'm going to find some dinner, take my mind off it!

And, yes, I hope to post pictures, Mum thinks shes a bit of a pro with a camera.

 

[izzywizz]

My dress is too big! This is both wonderful and terrible, I don't have the time to get it altered! Oh hell, safety pins it is lol

Also, they predict HEAVY RAIN for Saturday. This is very, very, very bad for many reasons, and the village hall is too expensive. Bugger.

 

[izzywizz]

Mmmm, an unexpected afternoon off due to too much overtime! I've done sweet nothing, apart from get the rest of the drink for the ever growing party. And spend too much time checking the weather for Saturday. It now says cloudy but dry. I feel this is something I should just wait and see on, and plan for rain just in case.

So, me and my eating. It's all got a little weird. I'm very stressed for a range of reasons, and I've lost my appetite. BAM! gone. Just like that. Today I've eaten:
A yogurt
an apple
A packet of chicken super noodles with some added sweetcorn
A peach
I'm having pasta for tea with chicken and veg
This makes me a little nervous, as I need to keep check on whether I'm not hungry or just CONVINCING myself I'm not hungry. Whatever, I'm not going to add that to my stress list. TBH, weight watchers has sort of fizzled out. I know the points value for the things I eat, and I tend to eat the same sort of things everyday so I've been on autopilot. It's fine. I lost weight over the weekend for the first time in weeks, so it's all ok.

I'm running about like a mad person, and I KNOW thats helping. I'm also trying to go for a 40 min walk every night.

I'm enjoying feeling so relaxed about food right now, especially after last week. Who knows how long this will last, so I'm keeping an eye on the scales and just going with it. I feel NORMAL today, and thats good for me.

 

[izzywizz]

I've made a decision: It won't last long, but the point is, I've made it.

I'M NOT WEIGHING MYSELF ANYMORE. Hahahahaahahaha, just writing it scares me. I'm finally beginning to realize that actually, as long as my clothes fit then whats the problem? People have been telling me this for years, but the scales have just been so important. I don't know whats changed, apart from being utterly sick to death of my mood being dependent on a bloody number, which, actually stays about the same anyway. If I eat like a "normal person" then it'll be fine. So, yeah. No more scales. I give it till the end of the week lol.

 

[minusfour]

Good move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps you can "step down"- weigh yourself once a week for a while, then once a fortnight, then monthly, etc. Who needs a number ruining their day!

(Has the weather prediction changed yet?)

 

[izzywizz]

the weather now says "cloudy". Which would be fine! I don't need blazing sunshine, just no rain!
A sad morning, I said goodbye to one of my pre school groups, had to busy myself at one point when one of them gave me a massive hug and said "I love you big Izzy." *sniff*
They keep giving me chocolate though! I can't leave chocolate, if its there, I eat it. I keep leaving it downstairs in the hope someone else will eat it, but it's not working! The trouble with chocolates is "only one" is fine, but it tends to be "only one" every few minutes, and before I know it, they're all gone and I'm having a panic attack and trying to exercise like crazy.

No, Izzy! it's THREE DAYS until the party, just hang on in there, 78 hours to be exact, then you can eat whatever you like. Just stick to it for three days!

"Don't give up what what you REALLY want for what you want right now."
and
"You've come too far to take orders from a cupcake (or chocolate)"

Admittedly pro Ana slogans, but I feel they're pretty sensible really, so I'm allowing them

 

[minusfour]

Yeah, I have problems with moderation too!

 

[izzywizz]

so this morning proves how an ED never really leaves you. One of the children gave me a box of cupcakes to say thank you and goodbye. They were beautiful, pink and purple icing, glitter, stars, really really lovely, and did I mention, HOME MADE.

I threw them in the bin by the bus stop on the way home.

Why? The fear that I would eat every single one of them, one straight after the other. Now I feel terrible. For wasting food, for behaving like a freak, for just binning something which probably took the child and her mother all night to make.
It saddens me that when children give me gifts, my automatic thought process is "Oh no, I can't take them home with me, I'll eat them all!" When I should be grateful that people think enough of me to go to such effort.

God, I feel awful.

Still, onwards and upwards as they say. Therapy this afternoon, I think it's going to be suggested that I have some more support. I'm not coping right now, I'm finding life very difficult. Things are slipping despite small windows of "normality" . I'm avoiding eating and that will only continue to get worse unless I sort it out now.

 

[minusfour]

Thinking of you sweet girl. X

 

[izzywizz]

It's my birthday!! And the party is tomorrow!!

I have no idea whats going on, several people have backed out, but several people have RSVP'd at the last minute - I can't keep track!

OH is stressing for no reason. He's taken sole charge of the gazebos and garden which is something which seems to involve throwing tent pegs around and kicking the fence. I'm much happier icing my cupcakes indoors.

Work was SO SAD today. I was fine, even in assembly when the head made a speech about me, and then when the children hugged me. Fine.

And then, pre school gave me a card and inside they'd all drawn pictures of themselves and written their names underneath. That was it, set me off sobbing!

A very, very odd day.

 

[izzywizz]

arty0011::553:

THE PARTY IS TODAY!!!!!!!

AND it's sunny!

 

[minusfour]

Have a great time! Don't forget those photos.

 

[minusfour]

It's Sunday night here, and I'm champing on the bit to find out how it all went, but the guests who stayed over probably haven't left yet, so I'll just have to wait!

 

[izzywizz]

Pictures by izzywizz_photos - Photobucket

Pictures!!!! I'm in the yellow...

It was an awesome night, everyone had fun, got on and drank far too much! Went to bed at 3am, got up at 10am and discussed the much tent hopping which went on! Still not entirely sure who slept where, apart from "Disco", who slept on the front step because he thought he'd been locked out lol! We found him this morning wrapped in the disposable table cover...

 

[minusfour]

I LOVE the photos, you looked great, everyone looked great! I'm really pleased that you had such a good time. Did you feel like a princess? Is Disco feeling stiff?

 

[izzywizz]

lol, thanks Minus <3
Disco was more than stiff, he was VERY hungover too lol. I DID feel good in my dress, with my hair up and everything and lots of people commented on how "Well" I looked. They seem to feel thats a compliment, but I hear "FAT".

It was such a good night, I looked around at one point to see complete strangers immersed in conversation, children running around treasure hunting and Friends around the table eating lots of food and laughing, and I realized then that I'd pulled it off somehow! I don't think anyone left sober! And the next morning was just as much fun with everyone back round the table eating a full English and gossiping about who was in who's tent and looking at pictures. I'd ALMOST agree to do it again lol.

But, coming back down to reality with a bit of a bump. I start a new job in less than 2 weeks, it brings with it a lot of responsibility, the need to drive a pretty bad road each day, and a total change to what I'm used to. Combine this with the unrelenting feeling that I'm making the biggest mistake EVER, the slow realization that our house is being knocked down in a year (oh, don't ask) and Dad's boss has said he only has a two bed house available, meaning I need to get myself set up on my own kinda soon. OH's ongoing unemployed status and the feeling that actually, all I really want to do is sod off and travel the world.

Yup, I'm stressing, and as I said before, I'm not coping like a "normal" person. I have to see a nutritionist again now for a few weeks. She took me to Tesco today for my groceries. I didn't enjoy it, and theres no way I'm following her stupid plan. She wants me to eat 300 cals at breakfast, 400 at lunch and 500 for dinner. Thats 1,200 WITHOUT the the two 200 cal snacks I'm supposed to eat. Not happening. I stopped losing weight fast enough on WW and I was eating about the same calories. I've worked it out, I need to consume between 800 and 1000 a day to lose weight, with one 1,500 day a week to keep my metabolism going. It's not like I'm skinny, I DON'T NEED that many calories, theres plenty of fat for my body to turn in to fuel, it's just got lazy.