Izzy's Diary - which she WILL keep!!

[That's_So_Fetch]

Aww Izzy, you looked lovely, loved the dress. It all looked like so much fun and having it outside was a genious idea. I feel like going to a party now. I loved photo 3 with the big red shoes, lol, i want some.

I'm sorry to hear about your house and everything you're having to deal with. Keep your head up and remember everything happens for a reason and its uaually for the best.

All that calorie counting you're doing has made my head hurt, lol. But i'm the same with carbs. So she wants you to eat about 1,600 cals a day. Thats still lower than the minimum requirement of 2000 cals a day, but i can see how 1,600 seems like a lot, especially after having eaten so little in the past. Are you seeing a dietician as well as a nutritionist? I'm sorry to hear that your trip to Tesco didnt go too well, i love being in supermarkets, lol.

Let us know how you get on with everything xx

 

[minusfour]

You have quite a lot on your plate at the moment, don't you? That's really tough, when you stop worrying about one thing, it's easy to start about the next, and the whole can seem really overwhelming!

Is the feeling about the new job just a general dread/cold feet, or do you have some reason to think you might be making a mistake? I guess the only thing to do with the bad road is to be super organised so that you can drive slowly if needs be. If possible, can you make a deal with yourself not to worry about the house issue for another six months- worrying now isn't going to help anything, but it must be adding to the stresses. The OH job and what do in the medium term- travel etc- may be possible to defer worrying about for a little while- at least until you have settled in to the job, and know if you love or hate it, or somewhere in between.

Sweetheart, I am a bit worried about your feelings about food and your body. I can honestly say that you are not fat. I know you feel like it, I know you think you know it, but you are not darling. And your body isn't lazy.

If you drop to 800-1000 a day, you will be missing out on something. It's the thin edge of the wedge too darling, if you start it will be so hard to stop, and in no time at all you will be under 800 most days. The only benefit to dropping so low is the losses will be quicker, but the risks- that you will become malnourished, and that you won't be able to stop- are quite high. How about alternating 1200 and 1500 days?
Darling girl, anything under 800 doesn't make sense, and 1000 is only for the really short term.
I'm sorry if it feels like I'm lecturing you, I'm trying to rebut you only, I promise.
Thinking of you!

 

[izzywizz]

Aw, Minus, you always say nice things to me, even though I winge on all the time. Thank you x I'm just sick to death of the constant battle I face, I just want to LIKE me and not have to worry about how much or weight I may or may not be gaining.

You're right about everything, as normal I just need to get my head around the new job and then everything else will feel easier. Give it a month or two and I'll feel like my life has more control and then these feelings that I need to be thin NOW will fade a little as well. It's not helping that I have two weeks with nothing to do. I forgot how easy fasting and restricting is when you can just stay in bed all day.

I'm starting a new diet though, it's not too bad, and I'm only doing it for a week to lose the weight I've gained from the party. It's my own variation on what is called "the skinny girl diet" in Pro ana circles. The original allows a different number of calories a day, ranging from 350 to 750 plus as much fruit and veg as you like. You also have to exercise for an hour, and if you exercise more you can eat more, and it lasts 30 days. It's got a healthy base to it, with "free" fruit and veg, and activity equaling more calories, it's just the calorie consumption is too low, even if you gorge on veg all day.

So, my sensible" version, for ONE WEEK ONLY, will involve:

700 calories per day
B: Ready brek and half water, half skimmed milk, an apple - 120 cals
S: WW yogurt, grapes - 50
L: ham Salad wrap, sugar fee jelly, 200
S: 2 rice cakes and peanut butter with apple slices 120
D: Jacket potato, Quorn sausage, Corn on the cob, mushrooms and onions. 200

See? A nice, sensible day of eating without some silly cow secretly trying to keep me fat. I make it about 1,100 calories which I feel is about as low as I can realistically go without scaring my loved ones. I should see the weight gone within a week and then I can increase my daily allowance to 1000 cals a day. I Must exercise though, or it won't work. I'll be ok once I get 1lb under 12st 13. Thats bizarre yes, but I was just starting to feel not fat at that weight. So, 12st 12lbs, here we come

 

[minusfour]

You are a worry sweet Izzie! A nice "sensible" day of eating, mmm! And only for one week?

What is the hurry? Why do you feel that plodding along with the higher cals and slower losses isn't the route for you? If weight loss is your focus, it would make more sense to do it that way- it won't muck around with your metabolic rate. It's better for your body- all the nutrients it needs, including adequate energy. Much easier to do too, you will be starving at the calories you have quoted. In the scheme of things, it doesn't make any real difference whether you hit target in one week, or one month, does it?

Those super low cal diets are so seductive sometimes, aren't they? I used to be so full of my ability to control what went in to my mouth that I hardly did feel hungry it seemed!

I know you are doing your best, trying to fight as hard as you can. Do give in to it, keep throwing those punches. Your comment about how easy it is when you can stay in bed is spot on- you need all this time and energy to be doing things, having a life, having some good times. They should not be spent in bed, starving yourself.

Hope you are having a good one my darling!

 

[minusfour]

Oh, that is DON'T give in to it, of course!

 

[izzywizz]

Oh, Minus, I don't know why I'm in such a hurry, it's just an overwhelming NEED to be thinner tomorrow than I was today, except I will feel the same need tomorrow, and next month and next year, no matter how much I lose. I KNOW it's messed up, I KNOW it's a disorder talking, but right now, I can't make myself care enough to carry on with fighting it. It's got me nowhere but about two stone heavier than my ideal healthy weight and feeling just as fed up as I did at 6 stone. I'm done with fighting it, if it makes me thin, at least I can be happy when the number on the scales drop at a more satisfying rate. I know that happiness is short lived, shallow and Dependant on a very unreliable piece of equipment, but I just can't fight any more. Right now, it's easier to just not eat at all, no guilt, no obsessing over calories, not even any hunger after a couple of days. Simple. It makes me feel safe, worth something.

Yeah, reading that back I'm in a bad place. Also, I can argue that no one takes you seriously until your weight drops below "healthy". The help I need was taken away from me when I "Did so well" (Binged myself silly actually, but no one seems to worry about that) I think OP would be good, but I won't get in unless i'm thin enough.

The whole system is as screwed as me.

 

[minusfour]

It's true about the no help until you are under a healthy weight. And yeah, the "doing so well"/ binging yourself silly is familiar too. (Once, not that long ago, someone at a party said to me "You've thickened up, thats good")

Trouble is- and I know that you know this- even at six stone you will still feel fed up.(Cause the weight is just a symptom) And starving yourself does cause changes in your thinking, mostly bad ones, so then you'll be still fed up, and probably less able to cope with it than you are now. And, although you will be able to access help, (being below a healthy weight), you won't be being treated as a coping adult by those around you, so you'll probably miss out on some of the good stuff.
Have you been eating over the past few days? Have you weighed yourself? I do know what you mean by feeling safe, only too well, but I'd love to see you find another way to find that security. A way that opens doors to you, rather than closing them. A way that keeps your options open.
Darling, have you been telling your mum, or anyone, what is going on for you?
I hope you have a good day.
Your (thickened up) friendX

 

[izzywizz]

<3 Minus x
I am eating, don't worry Today I had watermelon for breakfast, a ham salad for lunch, I've been snacking on sugar snap peas, and my friends are coming round later with cake. So I'll have to eat some of that too. Dinner is going to be... actually, I don't know what dinner's going to be. Hmmm...

I'm making more of an effort to actually get up and do things, I find laying around very triggering because I don't get very hungry and if I do it's easy to ignore it and sleep. So I've been busy today, making a point of planning next week as well. You're right about enjoying life and having experiences. Such a waste to just stay in bed and starve. Keeping busy makes eating easier.

I'm weighing obsessively. Twice a day again. I'm losing 1lb a day. It feels good, but panics me because I know that one day soon, the scales won't budge and I'll want to fast, lose 2lbs the next day to compensate.

Erm, no one knows in my "real life" partly because I don't want them interfering and partly because I don't want to stress them again. It's amazing how quickly old habits come back... Eating in front of people, getting up too late for breakfast, "going out" to eat, feeling bloated, just fancying a salad. It's also amazing how the alarm bells aren't ringing for them. I'm glad though. I'd like to get this out of my system without causing unnecessary upset. I think once I get back to around 12st 12 I'll stop panicking. Be able to slow up, look at things more reasonably.

Everyone crash diets sometimes. The key is to have a goal and then be sure to increase calorie intake.

Thank you for caring, it does mean a lot, this diary is really helpful too. It's nice to be honest without visiting pro ana forums.

 

[minusfour]

Hope your day is ok so far sweet girl!

Darling, when you are weighing twice a day, do you actually think that there will be any meaningful change- between morning and night, for instance? I can imagine how seductive seeing a pound drop each day would be! I guess everyone does crash diet every now and then. Do you have a goal weight to stop at? If you do, how confident are you that you'll be able to stop then?
Old habits, they are like best friends, aren't they? Sometimes, even now, when I have been well for ages, I'll miss a meal, or skip that treat that everyone else is having, and my sneaky old thinking will start up. (No one noticed!/ I could miss breakfast tomorrow, and no-one would ever know!/ That is a saving of x calories/ The pleasure I get from not having some birthday cake is much greater than I'd get from the birthday cake, and lasts far longer) Two faced best friends though, never looking out for your interests!

I think too that it is good that you can talk honestly about it, and I really do care my darling girl. If you can, I'd try to avoid the pro ana sites. I think sometimes that the people behind them have an agenda, promoting what is really a disorder as an alternative lifestyle choice- just because they cannot recover, doesn't mean that you can't, or won't, in time.
Izzie, I know the future holds more for you than this. One day you will too. I hope the sun is shining in your world!

 

[Pink!]

Hey hun.
Well first off you looked lovely in your dress! I can't wait to be that slim!
I can't offer advice nearly as wise as the girlies above me have given, but I can say that it seems as though you know what's going on in your own head, you can see the old habits creeping back in and the old thoughts slithering through the cracks, so stop them. I know it's not nearly as easy to do as it is to say, but you seem like a strong girl, you must be with what youve gone through already.
Just keep your chin up, keep your head on your shoulders and talk to someone if it becomes too much.
Hugs. Best wishes for the week ahead.

 

[izzywizz]

Everyone, you are all so, so supportive of me <3

It's been an interesting weekend - I reached the goal in my head of 12st 12lbs, and just couldn't eat properly. I think I knew that would happen really, I just didn't want to admit to it. I wanted to be like everyone else - lose a few pounds and just carry on with life.

Well, I did do the right thing, I told BF, who supervised my eating all of yesterday. We worked out a 1,500 cal day and he helped me stick to it. There were tears and I was truly unpleasant towards him and myself, but I ate properly, and I feel better today, though I'm not "comfortable" with eating right now, I'm making an effort to do so anyway.

We went for a long walk with a disposable BBQ (An old "recovery" tack he uses. It allows me to eat a lot of food which is low cal, but the act of cooking the food means I can't concentrate too much on actually EATING it) I ate a quorn sausage, a veggie burger in a roll and a corn on the cob, followed by strawberries. It was ok, all "safe" foods.

I'm going to have to eat my meals in company for the next few weeks. I thought this request would cause drama, but actually everyone just seems pleased I'm avoiding going deeper. Turns out, they DID notice, they were just unsure whether to bring it up or not.

I saw my therapist this morning and she gave me a book called "I can make you thin" It's by a hypnotist called Paul Mckenna. It's a system of eating slowly, whenever you are hungry and listening to your body in order to stop when full. Theres even a section about why the book is helpful after an ED. I'm not sure about actually doing it, but I'll read it anyway.

 

[minusfour]

Good on you, hopefully over the next few weeks you will just sort of slide back in to normal eating. It must have taken a lot of guts to talk about it. I've read that book, but still not listened to the CD, (naughty!), I'll be interested in hearing what you think of it.

 

[Pink!]

Heya hun, well done for telling someone, it must have taken real courage, but it's totally worth it!
Glad to see that you're doing a bit better.
Best wishes for the week ahead!

 

[minusfour]

Hope all is well Izzie!