INTHESUMMEROF69
Full Member
Hi Lisa , what makes you say this ? Why do you think you can't do this Diet , tell us your thoughts and maybe we can help you ?
**Lisa's "determined to do it this time" diary!** 100th restart....
- Thread starter lisalulu
- Start date
Julie Williams
Silver Member
Aw bless you you were so positive yesterday. You can and will do this even if you have a few trips along the way you will still get there in the end if you want it bad enough it will happen. Take care my dear.xxx
Julie Williams
Silver Member
The only reason that this happened was because I went to Ireland and ate and drank for 3 days put on 10lbs in 3 days hence the weight gain the previous week and dont know how but managed to claw back some the following week in reality I lost 5lbs in 2 weeks so thats just normal really lol xxx
INTHESUMMEROF69
Full Member
Lisa , I think you have to deal with why you want to self-sabotage your diet and then your conscious desire to lose weight can start to happen .
have you thought why you wanted to lose weight , like be more attractive , feel more confident , feel fitter , be healthier , its only you who can make this dream happen . Posting here will help you when you feel like you may fall apart , but once your mind is back in control , because it will be , these moments will only last a short while then you will feel strong again to carry on . I hope you can tell Sam or minimins how you feel , try to open up and see why you feel this way
have you thought why you wanted to lose weight , like be more attractive , feel more confident , feel fitter , be healthier , its only you who can make this dream happen . Posting here will help you when you feel like you may fall apart , but once your mind is back in control , because it will be , these moments will only last a short while then you will feel strong again to carry on . I hope you can tell Sam or minimins how you feel , try to open up and see why you feel this way
lisalulu
Silver Member
Thanks all for the concern. I have no idea at all why I self sabotage, I just eat- no prior planning, no thought, just shovel it down. Its not a conscious decision to binge, it just happens and sometimes I don't even know I've done it until I notice X, Y and Z are missing from the fridge. I'll explain a few things that have happened over the last few years, hopefully some of you lovely ladies with help me out.
I'm a very sensitive person, I take everything to heart and don't 'let go' easily. Sometimes, instead of coming on here and seeing the amazing loses inspiring me, it makes me feel like a failure. I've felt like a failure for a long time-I suffered postnatal depression after the birth of my eldest, I tried to hard to be perfect and couldn't quite meet the ridiculously high standards I set myself. I was a teenage mum, but I was about as far from the stereotype you see and hear about on Jeremy Kyle as you could possibly be. No, she wasn't planned, but I was in a loving relationship, we had our own home, good jobs and both had more than two brain cells to rub together. When she was born, I found I never quite fitted in with either the 'yummy mummys' because of my age or the teenage mums because I had NOTHING in common with them. I put myself under so much pressure to be 'The Perfect Mother', none of it was achievable or particularly worth while. I slipped into a pretty deep depression, I was lonely, tired and felt a failure. I put about 2 stone on though pure laziness. It took nearly two years of tablets and counselling to get me back to normal. Every time I felt a bit low, I'd panic that I was slipping down again. Every time I was happy, I'd question if it is true happiness I was feeling- it had been so long since I was normal, I had forgotten what 'normal' felt like.
When we decided to try for our second baby- it was probably too soon but I felt ready- I fell pregnant straight away. I had a straight forward pregnancy with Imogen, but with Mollie it was horrible. I had frequent water and kidney infections and I suffered with Hyperemesis gravidarum, which is like extreme all day sickness. I didn't eat or drink for 8 weeks because I couldn't keep it down, it was a blooming hot summer and I was incredibly dehydrated. Then at 22 weeks, I was rushed into hospital with what I thought was an asthma attack, but turned out to be a Pulmonary embolism. In the middle of the night, a large group of doctors woke me to tell me I had accidently been overdosed with tinzaparin (I think thats what it was, I wasn't paying much attention to the name, more what they were telling me, but basically it is a blood thinning injection used for blood clots in the lungs) They started rambling on about legal issues, they wouldn't even let me ring Sam. I screamed at them to leave me alone, the lady in the bed across from me spent the night comforting me as I sat crying. In the morning, a lovely doctor came and spent a good hour explaining side affects to me. There was a chance I would lose the baby, the senior consultant was wanting me to terminate, but the nice doctor arranged for me to have a scan first- I wanted to see my baby before I lost her. So I had my first scan, without Sam because he couldn't get to the hospital in time and thought I was going to lose her. But the Sonographer said she looked lovely and healthy, could see no reason to terminate. I was warned that it would be advisable to end the pregnancy, that she would be born with severe physical and learning difficulties due to her lack of oxygen, but no matter what, I was having my girlie. I was in and out of hospital for the next 20 weeks with severe kidney infections, I spent so little time with Imogen that I slipped into a small bout of anti-natal depression. But against all the odds, Mollie was born at 42 weeks, weighing a very healthy 8lbs 15oz and a beautiful, healthy little girl. I was even lucky enough to have a super short 57 minute labour- kinda felt I deserved one after the 9 and a half months she gave me
After she was born, things were great. I was being the brilliant mum I wanted to be, without too much pressure to be perfect. I breastfed her, so I started meeting other like minded mums and felt great for it. When she was 9 months old, I lost someone very close to me, and sadly, lost someone else when she was 14 months. I struggled, I ate A LOT, my parenting never once slipped, but after the kids had gone to bed I dealt with it all by shovelling food down. I wanted and needed to grieve for my lost friends and for my horrible experience, but couldn't and probably still haven't. While I was eating, I couldn't think about the bad things, it was my way of stopping myself becoming depressed. That was 14 months ago, and I'm 4 stone heavier now.
I'm sure some of you ladies will be able to spot things in there that could be the cause of my problems, I find it hard to take a step back and analyse the last few years of my life because there are still so many emotions wrapped up in it for me. I need to get myself sorted, I want to succeed on CD, but its just so hard for me at the minute. Sorry its such a long post, I got a bit carried away. If you've made it this far, any comments or observations would be a major help. Thanks in advance xx
I'm a very sensitive person, I take everything to heart and don't 'let go' easily. Sometimes, instead of coming on here and seeing the amazing loses inspiring me, it makes me feel like a failure. I've felt like a failure for a long time-I suffered postnatal depression after the birth of my eldest, I tried to hard to be perfect and couldn't quite meet the ridiculously high standards I set myself. I was a teenage mum, but I was about as far from the stereotype you see and hear about on Jeremy Kyle as you could possibly be. No, she wasn't planned, but I was in a loving relationship, we had our own home, good jobs and both had more than two brain cells to rub together. When she was born, I found I never quite fitted in with either the 'yummy mummys' because of my age or the teenage mums because I had NOTHING in common with them. I put myself under so much pressure to be 'The Perfect Mother', none of it was achievable or particularly worth while. I slipped into a pretty deep depression, I was lonely, tired and felt a failure. I put about 2 stone on though pure laziness. It took nearly two years of tablets and counselling to get me back to normal. Every time I felt a bit low, I'd panic that I was slipping down again. Every time I was happy, I'd question if it is true happiness I was feeling- it had been so long since I was normal, I had forgotten what 'normal' felt like.
When we decided to try for our second baby- it was probably too soon but I felt ready- I fell pregnant straight away. I had a straight forward pregnancy with Imogen, but with Mollie it was horrible. I had frequent water and kidney infections and I suffered with Hyperemesis gravidarum, which is like extreme all day sickness. I didn't eat or drink for 8 weeks because I couldn't keep it down, it was a blooming hot summer and I was incredibly dehydrated. Then at 22 weeks, I was rushed into hospital with what I thought was an asthma attack, but turned out to be a Pulmonary embolism. In the middle of the night, a large group of doctors woke me to tell me I had accidently been overdosed with tinzaparin (I think thats what it was, I wasn't paying much attention to the name, more what they were telling me, but basically it is a blood thinning injection used for blood clots in the lungs) They started rambling on about legal issues, they wouldn't even let me ring Sam. I screamed at them to leave me alone, the lady in the bed across from me spent the night comforting me as I sat crying. In the morning, a lovely doctor came and spent a good hour explaining side affects to me. There was a chance I would lose the baby, the senior consultant was wanting me to terminate, but the nice doctor arranged for me to have a scan first- I wanted to see my baby before I lost her. So I had my first scan, without Sam because he couldn't get to the hospital in time and thought I was going to lose her. But the Sonographer said she looked lovely and healthy, could see no reason to terminate. I was warned that it would be advisable to end the pregnancy, that she would be born with severe physical and learning difficulties due to her lack of oxygen, but no matter what, I was having my girlie. I was in and out of hospital for the next 20 weeks with severe kidney infections, I spent so little time with Imogen that I slipped into a small bout of anti-natal depression. But against all the odds, Mollie was born at 42 weeks, weighing a very healthy 8lbs 15oz and a beautiful, healthy little girl. I was even lucky enough to have a super short 57 minute labour- kinda felt I deserved one after the 9 and a half months she gave me
After she was born, things were great. I was being the brilliant mum I wanted to be, without too much pressure to be perfect. I breastfed her, so I started meeting other like minded mums and felt great for it. When she was 9 months old, I lost someone very close to me, and sadly, lost someone else when she was 14 months. I struggled, I ate A LOT, my parenting never once slipped, but after the kids had gone to bed I dealt with it all by shovelling food down. I wanted and needed to grieve for my lost friends and for my horrible experience, but couldn't and probably still haven't. While I was eating, I couldn't think about the bad things, it was my way of stopping myself becoming depressed. That was 14 months ago, and I'm 4 stone heavier now.
I'm sure some of you ladies will be able to spot things in there that could be the cause of my problems, I find it hard to take a step back and analyse the last few years of my life because there are still so many emotions wrapped up in it for me. I need to get myself sorted, I want to succeed on CD, but its just so hard for me at the minute. Sorry its such a long post, I got a bit carried away. If you've made it this far, any comments or observations would be a major help. Thanks in advance xx
Last edited:
Julie Williams
Silver Member
So how are you feeling today my dear? Come on you can do this!!!xxx
Julie Williams
Silver Member
But not for much longer, the past is the past and this is a new day, take it day by day and you will get there my dear ((((((hugs)))))))xxx
curlywurly1234
Cambridge Consultant
Hey Hon..
Just wanted to send you big hugs hon and say chin up.. you are doing so well hon, and you are a fantastic mummy to you two gorgeous girls.. You have been through a lot but you can do this diet hon, and you will feel so much better for it....
Big hugs to you hon.. and keep smiling........... lotsa love xx
Just wanted to send you big hugs hon and say chin up.. you are doing so well hon, and you are a fantastic mummy to you two gorgeous girls.. You have been through a lot but you can do this diet hon, and you will feel so much better for it....
Big hugs to you hon.. and keep smiling........... lotsa love xx
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Lisa, just reading through and wanted to say hi, then came on your post from last night and SO felt for you honey. Please hang on in there. I can totally identify with the wanting to be perfect thing, setting high standards that cannot be met... I do it all the time even now, and beat myself up when I can't meet them. It's basically setting myself up to fail, then having a free rein to punish myself for being as c**p as I always knew I'd be.
I am a bit of a control freak, and binges were a way of breaking free, but a vicious circle because the shame and despair always fed right into another binge. Also relate to that 'switched off' feeling where you don't even know what you are doing. I don't have any answers, but suspect that perfectionism and fear of failure are a big part of this.
Thanks for sharing your feelings last night, it was brave but also I think a big step forward. Getting things straight in your own head can help. Back in jan after my own spectacular fall, I was raging and demanding a quick fix for the binge-impulse and I didn't get one, but I did start to face it and accept it, and understand that in some ways it would always be with me, so I'd better learn some ways to cope. I have done better since then, never perfect, but hanging on... and that's enough for me right now.
Keep posting. Keep being honest, ask questions, talk to Sam... and don't expect the impossible from yourself. And... do you really want to sabotage this? I don't think so. You are in control, you call the shots... always. Decide to stop the sabotage and don't be afraid of being slim.
Big hugs, honey.
xxx
I am a bit of a control freak, and binges were a way of breaking free, but a vicious circle because the shame and despair always fed right into another binge. Also relate to that 'switched off' feeling where you don't even know what you are doing. I don't have any answers, but suspect that perfectionism and fear of failure are a big part of this.
Thanks for sharing your feelings last night, it was brave but also I think a big step forward. Getting things straight in your own head can help. Back in jan after my own spectacular fall, I was raging and demanding a quick fix for the binge-impulse and I didn't get one, but I did start to face it and accept it, and understand that in some ways it would always be with me, so I'd better learn some ways to cope. I have done better since then, never perfect, but hanging on... and that's enough for me right now.
Keep posting. Keep being honest, ask questions, talk to Sam... and don't expect the impossible from yourself. And... do you really want to sabotage this? I don't think so. You are in control, you call the shots... always. Decide to stop the sabotage and don't be afraid of being slim.
Big hugs, honey.
xxx
lisalulu
Silver Member
Thanks everyone who replied, I'm in tears now, I feel so relieved to get it off my chest.
Thanks for the compliment on my kiddies Marissa, anything nice you say about my girls is a bigger compliment than any you could ever give me. They are my life
Everything you have said is so true Katy, when I first read the post I agreed with what you said about finding ways to cope with the binge impulse, but thought to myself I can't do that. I wanted to write a reply telling you why it wouldn't work for me- why I couldn't be as strong as you, but I couldn't think of a single, justifiable reason why I couldn't! I was my own negativity making me feel weak.
You're right, I don't want to sabotage this. Yes, its taken me a blooming long time, but I've lost 18lbs- more than I've ever lost on any other diet. I don't care if it takes me another 2 and a half months to lose the same again, as long as its coming off.
Thanks for the compliment on my kiddies Marissa, anything nice you say about my girls is a bigger compliment than any you could ever give me. They are my life
Everything you have said is so true Katy, when I first read the post I agreed with what you said about finding ways to cope with the binge impulse, but thought to myself I can't do that. I wanted to write a reply telling you why it wouldn't work for me- why I couldn't be as strong as you, but I couldn't think of a single, justifiable reason why I couldn't! I was my own negativity making me feel weak.
You're right, I don't want to sabotage this. Yes, its taken me a blooming long time, but I've lost 18lbs- more than I've ever lost on any other diet. I don't care if it takes me another 2 and a half months to lose the same again, as long as its coming off.
BubblyPenguin
Recovering Foodaholic
Oh Lisa, hunny, sending you huge hugs! I'm sorry you have had a terrible time, but you ARE in control.
Make a list of all the things you have to gain from losing your weight and the difference it will make to your life. Sam sounds lovely- is he supportive of the diet?
Also for every reason you can find not to continue the diet find at least one or two reasons to keep with it. Write them down and pin them up so you can see it!
I'm sure it doesn't help that your CDC has/is away for such a long time- do you normally spend a while talking to them? My CDC is fab for that, evening before I started she emailed me everyday for a check in.
One more thing, did you have an grief counselling when you lost the people close to you?
As a mum you obviously put your children first, but don't forget yourself. If you are able to be positive and in a good place then your girls will really benefit as much as you.
Keep talking to us, Hun, we're all here for you x
Make a list of all the things you have to gain from losing your weight and the difference it will make to your life. Sam sounds lovely- is he supportive of the diet?
Also for every reason you can find not to continue the diet find at least one or two reasons to keep with it. Write them down and pin them up so you can see it!
I'm sure it doesn't help that your CDC has/is away for such a long time- do you normally spend a while talking to them? My CDC is fab for that, evening before I started she emailed me everyday for a check in.
One more thing, did you have an grief counselling when you lost the people close to you?
As a mum you obviously put your children first, but don't forget yourself. If you are able to be positive and in a good place then your girls will really benefit as much as you.
Keep talking to us, Hun, we're all here for you x
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Lisa, you've made me well up too... you can do it, you really can. And me, strong? I don't feel that way and if people ever post that I seem to have lots of 'control' it makes me laugh out loud, because I feel like I just lurch from one disaster to the next. But there are less 'food' disasters than there used to be, and that is progress. Someone on here said we have to give ourselves some credit, and that is true, and however shaky it may sometimes feel, we also have to keep keeping on.
I know there is a whole bunch of stuff I am still refusing to face, but I am making steps in the right direction. I am trying to accept myself the way I am, and stop with the self-punishment and binges that were really a form of self-harm. It's a start. 18lbs is a big step, honey. And so what if the next 18lbs takes a while? As long as it happens, and as long as you use the time to work on the head stuff too.
Claire is dead right, your children are the centre of your world and mine are too, but to be strong for them we have to believe in ourselves first and make sure we are up there on the list as well. Hugs Lisa and have a good day...
xxx
I know there is a whole bunch of stuff I am still refusing to face, but I am making steps in the right direction. I am trying to accept myself the way I am, and stop with the self-punishment and binges that were really a form of self-harm. It's a start. 18lbs is a big step, honey. And so what if the next 18lbs takes a while? As long as it happens, and as long as you use the time to work on the head stuff too.
Claire is dead right, your children are the centre of your world and mine are too, but to be strong for them we have to believe in ourselves first and make sure we are up there on the list as well. Hugs Lisa and have a good day...
xxx
INTHESUMMEROF69
Full Member
Morning Lisa
Yes I can see what is happening here and when you feel low you turn too food , I think thats why LL can help more because they find the reasons why , they are trainned in this .
blondeLogic did LL she may be able to help you with what happens at the group meeting , and people at LL all have reasons why they chose LL too , some maybe like you .
I can relate to what you said , being a young mum and not fitting in , also the fcat about your baby , hey you was right to listen to that you wanted , after all she has no problems !
Did you feel better to write down how you felt and it did feel better to talk about it . I hope you will find your way to being slimmer but first you need to talk to the right people too , who can go deeper and will help you . always come here as we all care for eachother x
Yes I can see what is happening here and when you feel low you turn too food , I think thats why LL can help more because they find the reasons why , they are trainned in this .
blondeLogic did LL she may be able to help you with what happens at the group meeting , and people at LL all have reasons why they chose LL too , some maybe like you .
I can relate to what you said , being a young mum and not fitting in , also the fcat about your baby , hey you was right to listen to that you wanted , after all she has no problems !
Did you feel better to write down how you felt and it did feel better to talk about it . I hope you will find your way to being slimmer but first you need to talk to the right people too , who can go deeper and will help you . always come here as we all care for eachother x
Angela83
Silver Member
Hey Lisa- Sorry for my lack of appearance on your thread so far! I really feel for you and all that you have been through. Keep going -whatever you chose to do-CD or WW. In a way I feel that being on SS isn't where I'll deal with my food issues, it'll be after i start moving up the plans or maybe even after goal.Personally I couldnt do WW now, I'm just not ready-I think you need much more willpower to make 'good' food choices than not making food choices at all.
Remember we're here for you. And that you'll have a bloomin great day whatever size dress you're wearing for your wedding!! ((hugs))
Remember we're here for you. And that you'll have a bloomin great day whatever size dress you're wearing for your wedding!! ((hugs))
BubblyPenguin
Recovering Foodaholic
Well done, hunny! Keep going, you can do it x
Jessica Rabbit72
Gold Member
I have every faith in you chick you have been through so much and am sending you hugs and well done on being 100% will pm you
xxx
xxx
lisalulu
Silver Member
I'm lacking anything even resembling energy tonight, I'm grumpy, moody and tired, so I'll keep this short and sweet. I have been 100% today- found it quite easy since reading your post Katy. Something just clicked and I realised its my own negativity that is dragging me down. I need to believe I can do CD and the rest will follow. Thanks all for your replies, I hope I can do you all, and myself, proud over the coming days, weeks and maybe even months
INTHESUMMEROF69
Full Member
hi Lisa
own negativity, I think you could be right there ,I know any diet is not easy at the best of times and also when you have been on low , I also find I can do CD easy for days it is when the days turn to weeks that it starts to get hard , we are all different people we all have different minds , but Lisa well done girl 100 % have you got any dead lines I think you said for that dress ? Everyday that passes is a step closer to that dress xx:wave_cry:
own negativity, I think you could be right there ,I know any diet is not easy at the best of times and also when you have been on low , I also find I can do CD easy for days it is when the days turn to weeks that it starts to get hard , we are all different people we all have different minds , but Lisa well done girl 100 % have you got any dead lines I think you said for that dress ? Everyday that passes is a step closer to that dress xx:wave_cry:
