Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[Katycakes]

Thurs June 4th

OK... had a couple of bad days food wise, I think it was a combination of jet-lag tiredness and also elation at being home & not having put on weight, and having a whole kitchen to go rummaging through of course. While accepting Serena's 1500 step advice with my head, I was busy stuffing myself with sandwiches and oatcakes with peanut butter... hmmm. Yesterday midday I knew I was eating for a bad reason, because I was upset over stressy OH, and managed to stop that from turning into a binge... so the impulse is still there, but so is an awareness that definitely didn't used to be. Or maybe it was, but the desire to stop a binge never was.

So... just got weighed by CDC & officially I am 10.13, which means have put on since my return but no more than I deserve. I am still under target so that's OK. Still trying to decide whether to move target down to 10.7 or just focus on maintaining for now.

Food today:
Brekky: CD porridge with berries & Greek yog
Snack: CD bar & herb tea
lunch: 2 x quorn fillets with soda bread, salad & ketchup
tea: ? not sure yet.

Trying to eat main cals in middle of day to see if that helps.

 

[crazylilblondie]

Yesterday midday I knew I was eating for a bad reason, because I was upset over stressy OH, and managed to stop that from turning into a binge... so the impulse is still there, but so is an awareness that definitely didn't used to be. Or maybe it was, but the desire to stop a binge never was.

The fact you stopped yourself was amazing in itself, regardless of the weight change. Was it a very hard battle with yourself to put a holt to it?

 

[DisneyParis]

Hi Katy, just been catching up with your thread. I can honestly say your CD journey inspires me. You have done so well.

 

[Laura Croft]

Thurs June 4th

OK... had a couple of bad days food wise, I think it was a combination of jet-lag tiredness and also elation at being home & not having put on weight, and having a whole kitchen to go rummaging through of course. While accepting Serena's 1500 step advice with my head, I was busy stuffing myself with sandwiches and oatcakes with peanut butter... hmmm. Yesterday midday I knew I was eating for a bad reason, because I was upset over stressy OH, and managed to stop that from turning into a binge... so the impulse is still there, but so is an awareness that definitely didn't used to be. Or maybe it was, but the desire to stop a binge never was.

So... just got weighed by CDC & officially I am 10.13, which means have put on since my return but no more than I deserve. I am still under target so that's OK. Still trying to decide whether to move target down to 10.7 or just focus on maintaining for now.

Food today:
Brekky: CD porridge with berries & Greek yog
Snack: CD bar & herb tea
lunch: 2 x quorn fillets with soda bread, salad & ketchup
tea: ? not sure yet.

Trying to eat main cals in middle of day to see if that helps.

Sounds like a good day to me. I hope your tea was okay. I like to eat my main meal at lunch time too. It really helps, and I think it's better for your digestive system anyhow. x

I hope the stressy situation is now resolved. Remember it's okay to have those thoughts - they are not bad. It's just how we are used to coping. What we know now is that we don't have to act on them. *shock* *horror*

 

[Katycakes]

Crazy, it was weird... when I binge my head cuts out & no logic is allowed, but I could see myself doing this and also didn't like the overfull feeling that eating too much creates now. Something cut in to the auto-pilot stuff and I started thinking, you don't want this, don't do this, and then it was OK. So no big battle, just an awareness, and a choice. It obviously took a while to get there... if I'd made that choice before the eating started, that would have been better... but still, different to the past. Progress, even if it is baby steps.

Disney, thanks for the kind words! Your support means a lot... it's been a weird journey and I suspect it's not over yet, but it has changed my life... I feel a million times better than last Autumn, in all kinds of ways. For that reason alone I will love CD forever!

Laura, all is well with OH now, I was jet-lagged & he was crabby cos he'd done something wrong, but typical man, didn't want to admit it. All good now, & interesting to see that flashpoints like that can still send me scuttling for food-comfort. It is all learning stuff. And I know I can detatch from a desire to binge quicker than in the past, and that what I am calling binges lately are nothing like the binges I used to have... but still fitting the old patterns, even if they now involve healthier foods! So much to learn...

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Friday June 5th

Took mum to hospital clinic, then Tesco shop, then lunch in garden centre & bought plants for hanging baskets. Then home & work. Will be invaded by kids shortly as daughter has finished her exams today & invited a bunch of pals over to celebrate... stocked up on lots of goodies for them, but don't feel tempted. So far so good... or not so bad, at any rate!

Brekky: real porridge (not CD, eek) with skim milk, berries, 0% greek yog & cinnamon
Snack: 3 oatcakes with peanut butter
(Hmmm. These are now officially banned. Three were left in packet, ate them. Then had very strong desire to eat three more, there was another unopened packet, but I didn't open it & once the moment passed I felt better about it).
lunch: broccoli quiche & salad with latte in cafe (left most of pastry on quiche)
snack: small slice soda bread with peanut butter & 1/4 banana
tea: planning on 2 quorn sausages in a multigrain roll with salad leaves

Better day than yesterday & much better than the two days before that! Scales say 10.12 which is good...

xxx

 

[crazylilblondie]

Crazy, it was weird... when I binge my head cuts out & no logic is allowed, but I could see myself doing this and also didn't like the overfull feeling that eating too much creates now.

Its almost like the more you binge the more the willpower and the strong tough voices in your head weaken with every mouthful?

Its funny you say you dont like feeling full.. when I was overeating, afterwards Id desperately crave that feeling of emptiness and hunger that CD gives me. i think thats one of the reasons of why i was purging - to try and recreate that feeling. Who would of thought Id miss feeling hungry??

 

[Laura Croft]

You're doing some really good work here Katy. Congrats to you

 

[LellyCD]

hi katy, just popped in to say hi and glad you are still doing well!
x

 

[sleepybird]

She's doing great! Attagirl xx

 

[Katycakes]

Crazy, Laura, Lelly & Sleepy... not sure about the doing well. I have struggled a LOT since coming home this time last week, partly I think the relief of getting through these stressy three weeks, jet-lag, and jumping back into the work which never seems to let up...

Yesterday was a bit ikky...

Sat June 6th

Woke in early hour with really sore stomach, a severe, colicky pain. Went to loo, no change, so lay in bed trying to 'breathe' through it and the pain did ease off after a while. Went to sleep & thought no more of it.

Woke in morning with horrible feeling... this NEVER happens to me but had started period in a flood-ish kind of way. Eek. So guessing that was the cause of the pain in the night, too. Felt exhausted all day, fit for nothing, with crampy tummy on and off, horrid. And needless to say food intake was not what I had planned...

Brekky: real porridge with almonds, seeds, berries, 0% greek yog
lunch: CD hot choc & CD choc bar
snack: EEEK. 5 choc digestives which were open on counter after daughter's sleepover with friends... I don't even really like them, but I really wanted these. I knew it was sugar craving rather than a binge or anything, and it didn't scare me to eat them, and I left a good few in the packet... but still, not a choice I am happy about. I thought I would count them as my tea, but....
Tea: 2 x soda bread with peanut butter & mashed banana
Then early bed.

When I look at that food diary, I can see it was all about sugar, and that I think is to do with having the period from hell. However I plan to make better choices today, I think protein is actually what I need.
Feel less exhausted today, but period is continuing in a scary fashion... I have a lot of work to do today (did nothing yesterday) so hoping I can get through it.

xxx

 

[Laura Croft]

Crazy, Laura, Lelly & Sleepy... not sure about the doing well. I have struggled a LOT since coming home this time last week, partly I think the relief of getting through these stressy three weeks, jet-lag, and jumping back into the work which never seems to let up...

Yesterday was a bit ikky...

Sat June 6th

Woke in early hour with really sore stomach, a severe, colicky pain. Went to loo, no change, so lay in bed trying to 'breathe' through it and the pain did ease off after a while. Went to sleep & thought no more of it.

Woke in morning with horrible feeling... this NEVER happens to me but had started period in a flood-ish kind of way. Eek. So guessing that was the cause of the pain in the night, too. Felt exhausted all day, fit for nothing, with crampy tummy on and off, horrid. And needless to say food intake was not what I had planned...

Brekky: real porridge with almonds, seeds, berries, 0% greek yog
lunch: CD hot choc & CD choc bar
snack: EEEK. 5 choc digestives which were open on counter after daughter's sleepover with friends... I don't even really like them, but I really wanted these. I knew it was sugar craving rather than a binge or anything, and it didn't scare me to eat them, and I left a good few in the packet... but still, not a choice I am happy about. I thought I would count them as my tea, but....
Tea: 2 x soda bread with peanut butter & mashed banana
Then early bed.

When I look at that food diary, I can see it was all about sugar, and that I think is to do with having the period from hell. However I plan to make better choices today, I think protein is actually what I need.
Feel less exhausted today, but period is continuing in a scary fashion... I have a lot of work to do today (did nothing yesterday) so hoping I can get through it.

xxx

Sorry Katy about the pain. Ouch. I hope you feel better toay.

Getting back on track is difficult and you know how much I struggled, and I think struggle is part of the reason. When I struggle and try to force myself to do something, I often rebel. It's really important for me to remember it's my choice to do whatever I'm doing. I try to look at why I am wanting those foods instead of something healthy (or planned) and take it from there.

Food wise, I've cut out trigger foods including stuff that is sometimes okay like wholemeal pita bread and will introduce them again when I get back to a target weight.

Here's hoping you have a better day today xx

 

[Katycakes]

Thanks honey. Interesting about 'remembering it's your choice'. That's how I felt abut the biscuits, I wanted them, full stop. Didn't want to make it a freak-out moment, but still wanted them. So I ate them... and didn't feel bad about it exactly. I suppose we make our own decisions, and need to remember that, rather than see ourselves as in the grip of a scary 'disorder' or something. I hope today is better too...

xxx

 

[Laura Croft]

Thanks honey. Interesting about 'remembering it's your choice'. That's how I felt abut the biscuits, I wanted them, full stop. Didn't want to make it a freak-out moment, but still wanted them. So I ate them... and didn't feel bad about it exactly. I suppose we make our own decisions, and need to remember that, rather than see ourselves as in the grip of a scary 'disorder' or something. I hope today is better too...

xxx

I really relate to that. On Friday night, we had a delicious meal, I didn't feel stuffed and I could easily have eaten less, but I didn't want to. I think it's okay to have little splurges but the important thing is that we get back on track straight away, and maybe even cut down a little, but not too much. On the other hand, make sure the splurges (wonder if we are allowed to use that word ) are on foods you do enjoy... delayed gratification and all that.

I found yesterday really tough food wise and it had nothing to do with the move. It really went to show my body's reaction to Friday night. Hopefully as the post good meal etc cravings get easier to deal with, making the decision to eat the food in the first place will also be easier.

The last thing that really helped was changing my attitude to hunger. I used to see it as a deprivation and now I can remember it's my choice to feel hunger. Thank you Eating Less

 

[miss jelly tot]

Hey Katy your doing really well and I hope you feel better now.

EEEK. 5 choc digestives which were open on counter after daughter's sleepover with friends... I don't even really like them, but I really wanted these.

Bless, I'm like this too at totm. Something thats programmed in takes over and I HAVE to have sugar foods. I know I need to control this and overcome the trigger but it is easier said than done.

 

[KD]

Thanks honey. Interesting about 'remembering it's your choice'. That's how I felt abut the biscuits, I wanted them, full stop. Didn't want to make it a freak-out moment, but still wanted them. So I ate them... and didn't feel bad about it exactly

What's with the 'exactly'?

You wanted them
You had them
You didn't feel bad full stop

When I got to goal I used to watch skinnys a lot (still do actually). I remember going to a friends house and she had a packet of biscuits open. She grabbed two saying how she needed them, they were her favourites. She ate one fast on the way to the lounge, but then sat talking with the other in her hand for ages.

I remember thinking that was strange behaviour

The next time, when I was home alone and the open packet of biscuits sat on the worktop calling my name, I decided to have [STRIKE]one[/STRIKE] some

I decided that two would be a sensible amount, but then changed that to three. I didn't want to be sensible

I put them on a plate (yeah...bit weird ), put the rest out of sight, made a coffee and sat down with them. I decided to eat one as normal..which is sort of fast, because I wanted to

The second one I had to eat slowly and really taste. But the 3rd I had to do a pause with. I could then chose to have it or not. It worked well, so I did that a few times over the following months.

As for deciding that you wouldn't have dinner because of it. Umm. That's a difficult one. What if you were hungry at dinner time? I find it easier to make sure I don't forget what I've eaten and make note that if I want dinner, then I may need to take the biccies already into account.

Making hard and fast rules that you wont eat the next meal is kind of dieters behaviour.

It takes time to really live the thin life, and so you do need to consciously remember about foods previously eaten, but it can be counter productive to lay down a rule that you will miss a meal, long before you know how you will feel at that time. IYKWIM.

Doing fab though Katy. I'm really impressed :clap:

PS Hey...where's the veggies?

 

[Porgeous]

Can't add much to the wise words of KD other than I too have had to make a conscious decision to not skip meals. It is easy to fall into the trap of what I call "calorie offsetting", if I overindulge at lunch I can just skip tea. Now I try to keep an open mind if I am hungry I eat, if not I skip it so my decision is driven by my body not my head.

Oh and biscuits are the devil's own food!

xx

 

[KD]

HI'm like this too at totm. Something thats programmed in takes over and I HAVE to have sugar foods.

I believe it's really important how we talk to ourselves about food.

I'd put that statement under my as irrational thoughts column

It's easy to say "I HAVE to have sugar foods". That gives us permission to eat them, without having to give ourselves any responsibility for it. It's a cop out Yeah...I'm harsh aren't I

Thing is you don't HAVE to have them. You will not die without them. TOTM can bring a craving for sugary foods because of the swings in blood sugar, but that's it. It's not a cry from the body that you need it and in fact, it does more harm that good from a mood perspective.

So rather think I HAVE to have this, perhaps you can turn it around to 'what's the solution to this?'

What TOTM gals do need is to improve blood sugar and serotonin levels so the craving isn't so strong. Low GI stuff at this TOTM, starchy high fibre foods, wholegrain bread etc.

Also during the month making sure you have enough fish, green beans, bananas etc so you are getting enough Vit B6.

Also calcium and vit D helps, so dairy, oily fish.

I know you realise that it's something you need to learn to control, but it will help if you can change the way of thinking from 'I HAVE to have sugary foods' to 'I can have them if I want, but if it's PMT, I'd probably feel better with something else'. Not necessarily so immediate, but more long lasting

Yeah, I know. Easier said than done, but not so hard to rethink our irrational thoughts for a first step anyway

 

[KD]

Oh and biscuits are the devil's own food!

xx

Hey Georgie! Good to see you :clap:

 

[Katycakes]

Aw, thanks for feedback KD... and Porgeous! Have missed you P, you have been a big inspiration from day one!

KD... where's the veggies? There wasn't anything of value much yesterday, it was a sugar day, and I know from long experience that giving in to the cravings won't do anything long term for my energy levels or mood. (That was where the 'exactly' was coming from... didn't feel guilty, but knew it wasn't the smartest choice in the world. Just didn't care at the time, and still think it's not useful to panic about. 5 biccies. I know it's a lot, but they were what I wanted at the time, & 5 was enough, and in the past a whole packet wouldn't have been...)

So... funny how the testing times don't send me into the panics I imagined they would. And today has been better, lunch of two boiled eggs on soda bread, and lots of berries for brekky but no veggies yet... will have to have a salady tea with quorn I think. Yum.

Alot of the change is in my head... I am a person who always dramatizes and uses a little slip to go crashing down when it comes to food, because I always saw myself as having no control with it. And that seems to be different now. I hope. And I keep reminding myself that I am choosing and I am in control, and even thinking that way makes me feel stronger, even if the choices are not always wise ones.

Anyway... gonna go do some work in garden, see if I can shift the tummy cramps. Think my hormones are a bit skewed, but I will survive!

xxx