My Journey - "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" - Start LL 7th Jan' 2009

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by EmVeg, 1 January 2009 Social URL.

  1. EmVeg

    EmVeg Do a little dance!

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    My Journey - "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" - Start LL 7th Jan' 2009

    • You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be.
    • You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
    I wanted to start a shiny, new diary now that I am within touching distance. And I also wanted to start it with the above quotes because I really think they will do me the world of good during this time of my life. I want them to be right there when I need to read them.

    I am telling you right now, this really is for me - I will appriciate all the support I can get, I really will do, more than I can say - but I am using this space to really, finally let go of some things while I am doing LL. So, I apologise for the meandering, babbling writings you may see here.

    Firstly, something I wasn't going to say on here but I am. Over the past month I have been re-thinking my decision to do LL, very much questioning my ability to do something this massive. I looked at people on here, at their blogs or at their photos - looking for inspiration - but truly getting a feeling of dread. I cannot be like you people, I cannot achieve the amazing things you have. Thinking that I don't deserve it. Thinking that I can't do it.

    I am going to do it - I am going to try with everthing I have. I'm trying so hard to banish these thoughts from my head. But, I am scared to death that I will fail. I'm scared to death that I'm already sabotaging my chance with these thoughts.

    In the "real world", I have been very low in general. I have spent the majority of the last few years numb. There have been flashes of feeling good, or great, or happy/content or angry, or sad. But, in a way, feeling those feelings for a short period of time, makes feeling numb worse.

    I know the things that have happened in the past that have made me this way. I know reasons why I have no confidence, why I have no self-esteem. Why I don't like myself. I just want to be happy.

    I know this is a large part towards my eating habits. And I also know I have to sort this out to be successful on LighterLife. I went to a counsellor for 4 or 5 sessions - but after that he stopped replying to my emails and calls setting up my next meetings - possibly the worst kind of thing when I was talking about rejection issue.

    But, right now all I'm feeling is dread, apprehension, excitement, fear, confusion.

    LL isn't going to fix any of the above. I realise that LL is about the weight and the weight only, and I am not pinning my hopes on it magically fixing any issues I have. But, like I said - For LL to work for me - I need to work on the whole picture.

    I just need to write these things down. I'm sorry if anyone actually took time to read this. I don't really know if it even makes sense.
     
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  3. annaphylactic

    annaphylactic Guess who's back...?

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    Em, will write more later - but wanted to send you big hugs - I can relate to everything you've said... and you're not alone in feeling like this at the start... back later... x
     
  4. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    That is exactly how I fetl EM....I was brickin it!!! ANd FULL of self doubt.

    That's the challenge - beating those things down - and you can, and will do it because you are determined, and you are setting realistic expectations.

    Good on ya girl. You are going to do great. :)

    xx
     
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  5. emzski

    emzski Full Member

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    Hi Em,

    Its good that your nervous and feeling worried. I felt the same, I was so full of worry that I would fail like Ive failed at every other diet. LL is different. You meet a group of people in your group who are in the same boat. You know I was so shy when I first went and didnt know anyone but you soon get to know them. Its good you feel worried, it shows that you care! Be positive you will get thru your first week!! Keep focusing on your goal!The weeks soon fly past and before you know it you'll be finished foundation like me!! Its crazy how fast the time goes.

    We are all here for you to share in your losses and help you through the tough times.

    You can do it!!
     
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  6. JazzyB

    JazzyB Full Member

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    Hi Em, I read it and felt like i could have written most of it!! I think its fair to say one or two of us could have only got to where we are by things that we have done, had done to us or bad decisions that we have made!! I replied to someone a while ago saying I was feeling pretty emotional and how it was because of starting the diet, but I think I need to start letting go of a lot more than the weight!!

    I think now is the time to do it, to become positive, and I think all of us on this site must be feeling so geared up and ready for the next stages of our lives .....else why would we be here!!

    Good luck everyone!! I can already feel heaps of support from you and hope I will be able to help support you all over the coming weeks!
    xx
     
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  7. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    I think most people starting such a "radical" approach to weight loss will always feel a certain amount of trepidation with regards to being able to do it.

    I know I certainly did. I doubted myself at every turn and even called my LLC before I started to get her reassurance that I (yes me, who felt so useless and fat because she's failed at every other diet) was actually capable of doing it. You know what, I did it! 6 months in total abstinence.

    Now I'm restarting after putting weight back on, and having failed a hundred times at CD inbetween, I am even more scared than I was first time.

    I wrote about those fears on my diary thread only yesterday and one of my lovely friends picked up on my posts and how negative I am being (my life has been a bit [email protected] all round lately) and that will surely only lead to failure. She pointed out that successful people (athletes and the like) all have one thing in common - PMA. I have accepted that I need to enter this journey on a positive note or I will be a self fulfilling prophecy :(

    I love that your diary has started so positively and never apologise for any "ramblings" you may do. I have been told that many times, because I tend to ramble a lot too (you'd never have guessed lol) but this is your diary and you need to do with it what serves you best xxx
     
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  8. louale

    louale Silver Member

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    I'm almost certain that anyone that takes up a new challenge has an ounce of doubt about their ability to complete the challenge or get to goal, it wouldn't be natural if we didn't worry about whether we can achieve something or not and if we didn't have concerns about our achievement/s, their would be no motivation to achieve.

    You know you can do this, we all know that we can, it's just a matter of 'How much we want it!'

    We're all in the same boat and will be there for each other, you know you CAN DO THIS- EMVEG! and we'll all be here to support you on your journey.

    Louale x
     
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  9. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    I agree, don't apologise, your "ramblings" just might lead to answers for someone who is reading. It's always good to know that the issues that we think we have and we think are ours alone are shared by someone else, and it always seems clearer to me when someone else has an issue to see it clearly. I then relate this to my situation and it definitely helps me to sort some things out. I have real problems identifying my own problems and to follow them through to a conclusion, and usually hit a metaphorical brick wall. Listening and reading about other people definitely helps me.

    I wish I'd started a diary or blog at the beginning. Look forward to reading a lot more from you! ;-)
     
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  10. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    i know exactly where you are coming from emveg!
    we will get there
    daisy x
     
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  11. EmVeg

    EmVeg Do a little dance!

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    Thank you everyone for your replies. It is nice knowing that other people are feeling/felt this too.

    Sometimes its hard to realise that what your feeling could possible be anywhere other than just within you - and its bizarrly comforting to know.

    And I know that that I CAN do this. I guess I just don't want to get to the other end they way that I feel now. But it is something I will be working on. With all of you :)
     
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  12. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    You CAN do it Em Veg

    Hi Emveg
    :welcome2:

    I expect you are surprised at how many people have replied saying they feel or felt similar to you.
    Me too.
    Most of us who put on weight as I did do so for emotional reasons, not just because food and drink are yummy.
    Our self-esteem and confidence become undermined and we gradually seem to lose our identity and eventually feel not worthy to have a positive life and somehow become convinced we don't deserve a good quality of life and give up hope and just settle for "existing".
    It is hard to break out of that pattern and start investing time and money in ourselves again.
    That is where the couselling side of LL really makes the difference.
    At the moment you see it as just a diet. I guarantee that will change when you start. As with all types of counselling you
    need to be prepared to address your issues and confront the past and reasons why food has become an emotional crutch. It can be hard, but is the only way to move forward.
    I feel like I have got my life back.
    Good luck to you.xxxx
     
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  13. catznolan

    catznolan nearly there!! :)

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    its ur diary hunni, so if u feel it needs to be wrote down to help "U" sort stuff out for u, write away hun.

    it feels so weird before u start ll, because u think ur the only one who experiences the self doubt etc....but dont feel alone chic, we all did and do feel it (i felt it before rtm too its just cause its knew).

    u have made the first step, and after that u wont look back. use the tools u learn during ll to try and help with other issues, but i found once i dealt with the food side of it, alot of the issues followed (i was basically depressed bout my weight).

    the wait is the worst, ur nearly there hun xxx
     
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  14. EmVeg

    EmVeg Do a little dance!

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    5 Days to go!

    Once again, thank you all so much for the replies. It's nice to know I'm not going crazy. I guess I kind of knew the things I was feeling would be pretty normal - it's just hard to actually make yourself realise this.

    I'm back in an excited mood. There's apprehension mixed in. But, excuse my french, sod everyone who's making me feel that I will fail, or I shouldn't be doing this. I am doing this and I am giving it every thing I have got.


    So I have this to say.


    To all those girls at school who from the age of 9 would chase me and drag me into bushes by my hair. To those two groups of people in High School who saw me as a weak target and liked to pretend to be my friends so they could get me in a vulnerable place. To the person who held my head in the toilet and told me to make myself throw up because its the only way I wouldn't be fat. To my mum, or rather my mother's manic depression, who told me how proud she was one day and how much of a fat, useless **** the next. To my dad, who didn't realise what I was going through at school, for leaving me to look after mum on my own when I 12. For, when he didn't realise what was happening at school told me that it had to be my fault because I was the common denominator.


    I want to say to all of you and more..that I AM worthy. I AM deserving. And I , ME, will work at this and do this.


    I CAN be in an after photo and I WILL be by May 2009.


    Rant very much other.
     
    Last edited: 2 January 2009
  15. somewhere_inside_is_me

    somewhere_inside_is_me Silver Member

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    Big hugs, Em, you're very brave to let it out but I guess that's what we need to do. I totally empathise and just wanted to say
    YOU CAN DO IT!
     
  16. EmVeg

    EmVeg Do a little dance!

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    Thank you SIIM

    I didn't mean to write all that - I came on to put a quick thank you to the replies I have recieved.

    I guess I'm just angry that I felt that the only reason I couldn't do this because of what other people thought. And then I got angry at all those people that made that a problem for me. I don't know where it came from but after banging away on my keys without even thinking about what I was typing. Then I felt a lovely bit of relief - so to me it was worth posting.

    It made me feel better!
     
  17. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Stream of conscious posting is my fave. ;)

    It's good to let anger out - it does no good at all stored up inside, and will always - ALWAYS find a way outk, one way or another. :)

    Getting close now kiddo!! You'll show 'em - and don;t ever let anyone tell you you can't do ANYTHING. :)

    x
     
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  19. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    That's a much better term for what I usually call waffling lol.

    I'll remember that BL ;)
     
  20. Nina007

    Nina007 Member

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    I can relate to everything you said. Just wanted to give you a big hug.
     
  21. JazzyB

    JazzyB Full Member

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    Way to go Babe - dont let anyone ever make you feel like that again. Whats past is past though - it sounds like you need some big hugs and some are winging there way through space to you, but I'm sure you will get there. It sounds like something inside you has snapped and you're at the "enough is enough" point. I dont have any doubts that you will get there - but we're all here to help too.
    xxxxxxxxxxx
     
  22. EmVeg

    EmVeg Do a little dance!

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    I'm not sure if this is ironic or just plain sad. But I let people make me feel like it again. And I think I may have had one of the worst days of my life.

    I let people affect me. I keep thinking everyone hates me.

    And me and my fiance now may be splitting because of something stemming from that.
     
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