My Journey - "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" - Start LL 7th Jan' 2009

[EmVeg]

Thanking you all. I am hoping that I will be able to do as you say LS - but I also know I don't want food to be a "stigma" all my life. It WILL be something I can still enjoy but be able to control!

So, after my triumph at the awards do last week - who would have though dinner with the in-laws would be the thing that challenges me more.

Walk in, in my smaller size jeans, feeling good. "So, when do you start your diet thing?" - Um, I have already. "Oh, how long you been doing that for? Should I be seeing I can see a difference if you've lost a couple pounds?" - 10 days, and I've nearly lost a stone. "Oh."

"Oh, but you do have one meal though when you get home" - no, no I don't, I have my food packs four times a day - like we explained.

"But you still have your one square of dark chocolate as your treat?" - no, no I don't. It's not my food pack is it.

"Do you want some bread to dip in your soup" - No thank you, just my food pack.

"Oh, have some dark chocolate when you get home" - Oh, **** off.

Then, I wee a few times, and yawn. Oh thats you losing weight. Not good for you apparently!

It was just so frustrating. The other comments were just do disapproving. And me being me, I buckle under other peoples views. I end up telling them how weak a person I AM, and how I'm just not good enough to control my food habits. I start justifying what I am doing by telling them how useless and worthless I am. And I believe it. I think if they know the truth they'd realise this is a good thing for me, that its something I need to do. Did they heck.

Ended up crying drving home - feeling completely beaten down. I'm not good enough by their standards. Its a shame her kids were brought up extremely fussy eaters and are all underweight by at leasta stone - because that's healthy.

And I admire she is a biggish (only by a stone or so) lady and she is fine with that - but she just made me feel it was wrong for me not to be.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[slendablenda]

Oh Em,
That sounds a horrible experience.
I don't suppose you could just say you would rather not discuss it with her and say that if she insists talkng about your diet then you will have to stop going round there for the time being?
Or is there someone you trust who could just tell her to back off and mind her own business?
Remember you are doing this for YOU.
Try and stay strong. You can do it and we are all here to try and support you.

 

[EmVeg]

Thanks a lot SB - its just hard when all the things I KNOW I really struggle with are shoved into my face. Unfortunately, apart from the usual bi-weekly roast round there, we've been invited to a wedding and 1st birthday party next month, then family birthdays after that. Tried telling OH I don't think I can handle it, but of course, he loves his mum and doesn't see how she upset me.

I just spent the last 15 minutes or so crying my eyes out in the kitchen and on the stairs. I just feel like I'm falling apart a little. And the most ridiculous thought that came into my head was - is it worth feeling like this to be happy. How stupid. Why would that thought come in.

In our meeting we did the whole - imagine yourself at your goal. I couldn't do it. I imagined a body that I would like to get near - but it wasn't my face. I couldn't put my face too it. I can't see myself getting to where I want to be.

 

[westiegirl]

It is tough when you can't imagine things like that Em, some people just can't visualise things like that - I can't. In my head the visualisations are all sort of abstract. But I got there - never thought I would!

Try and remember that this is temporary - looking at your ticker you should be finished by the end of foundation and therefore you can move onto the next part of the journey.

Hold strong, this is a very emotional journey, but it's not forever :hug99:

 

[slendablenda]

Em

It wasn't long ago while you were waiting to start that you were feeling very low and were not sure if your relationship was going to continue and you said depression and low self esteem are ongoing difficulties for you.
So - you are doing LL now and you are succeeding in losing weight.
The way we all go on on here sounds so positive, probably as though losing weight is the answer to all our problems.
It has been the key for me and it can be - but it won't be immediate.
Give yourself a chance. You've had a lifetime with these things, they are not going to be resolved in a few weeks.
But stick with it if you can. It will be worth it.
Good luck xxxx

 

[EmVeg]

I've known for a long time that emotionally I am hard to deal with SB! Sometimes I really feel like two people. One minute I can be devestated and in floods of tears telling myself I hate myself- and ten minutes later I can be miss positive. And when it changes its like I completely forget about the other "voice!". Guess that means there is depressing me, optimistic me, and the me that can clearly see the damage they both do!

I do not want to blame everything on my mother - but I do feel I have picked up a few of my worst habits from her. She was severely manic depressive since I can remember, and could change dramatically within seconds. (Telling me how proud she was of me one second, and how much of a fat, useless ***** I was the next). She was ill, but I think I learnt a lot of how I deal with things from her.

Over the past couple of years I've found it harder and harder to deal with, but am working on it. I'm sure you've all noticed with my ups and downs the last weeks. I am just happy that I am noticing it, and am trying to do something now rather than later.

Well - just spent half an hour or so on scrapbook wrting in goals and before sections completely - and its had its desired focusing effect. Think I may save the weekly updates for the weekends because they have been the hardest for me.

 

[EmVeg]

So, week two down.

Haven't been online that much this week as I've tried to make a conscious effort to put my time into something other than sitting on the computer from 5-10pm.

So I have taken up walking the dog for at least half an hour a night to be more active (along with a walk at my work lunchtime...norunmally to see some shoes!!), I have read more (particularly my foundation book), I've taken long luxurious baths, or I've gone upstairs and watched my favourite programme on the sofa under a duvet with my OH.

I've actually felt "busy", even though really I'm not doing that much. But I'm also relaxing more and feeling like I'm doing more for myself.

I've been out for my walk and I'm going to go and do 30+ minutes of my Yogalates dvd. Then have a bath while reading a book, and watch some ER with OH.

I'm still struggling internally, but I'm getting through it. I managed to convince myself last night that nobody in the group liked me, and whenever I spoke I wished I hadn't. But then, talking about Parent/Adult/Child and I had to laugh at everything that had been going through my head.

2 weeks down, 16lb off, and I'm carrying on.

I even think its possible for me to actually not have to go on to developers now.. but I'm taking it as it goes.

 

[EmVeg]

Internal telling off!

Am coming on to tell myself off a little bit.

I haven't lapsed, or even wanted to at all really. I have struggled with the normal daily challenges on this diet.

However, because the holiday for June has now been booked and I am desperate to know where I will be, I've been trying to set dates in my head to work towards. I KNOW this will end in disappoinment - I've had a great first two weeks (10, then 6 loss) but I need to realied that 3lb a week is the average - where in my head I'm hoping for at least 4. Some weeks it will be 1, or 2 -some it MAY be 4-5. But I need to stop looking at dates because I don't know what is going to happen.

I just wanted to see where I would be when away because as most people, it is a time I tend to over-eat. I thought I may be on trigger weeks when away which would terrify me...

BUT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT EMMA!

What happens, happens. If I stick with it then the weight will come off, and there is no reason why I can't stick with it while I'm away, wherever I am in the programme.

Phew... myself fully put in my place.

 

[EmVeg]

Still plodding along. Had a really bad day today but relazing on my sofa, on not even bothered about the f word.

Nearly 3 weeks down.

I hope I can really get stuck in to group this week. Have my "Eating Less: Say goodbye to overeating." and its going good so far!