Nicola's Diary

How do i PM you Clara??? Not a clue! lol

Day nine for me and feeling good-well at the moment! I'm sure i have smelly breath today- maybe the sign that i am in ketosis??? Went to bed at 8.30pm last night as felt awful and had a headache, can't believe i actually went to sleep i must have needed that! Problem is i then woke at 6am, needed to put the rubbish out so did all those little jobs then watched two films! Don't know what it is with this essay i think its like badly blocked drain or something, have never had this with an essay before :-( Not failed any and would be gutted to fail my final essay and not qualify at the right time-what am i playing at! I am hoping i have a 'lightbulb moment' later on today and get going with the final 900 words to allow me the weekend to sort it out. As from Monday I can then relax again!
 
Day 9 nearly over with and i'm taking one day at a time. I worry on a daily basis as am supposed to be going away in July (probably All Inclusive) and also four days in Dublin and have two weddings-arggghhhh! My Mum reminded me to think of the here and now and the next seven weeks and cross each path as i get to it, but i have to say i'm having huge doubts about this. My main worry is finance as i'm having a loan to do this! I think i also chose the 'most radical' to prove a point to myself that i eat too much and don't need to snack etc. I am missing eating with my hubby and sit in my room when he is eating because i feel i should be eating too. He is good about the whole thing but I feel like we are not spending as much time together. Eating is part of a normal existance and at the moment i don't feel like this is reality if u know what i mean. I don't want food to control me like it has but on the other hand i don't want to be controlled by food packs. I know i am bound to have up and downs with this as its such a huge change, i try and weigh up the pros and cons but then constantly think about the negatives. I have felt better not worse as expected and take each day as it comes but for now i'm just not sure! The one thing that i'm so proud of is that since feeling like this (yesterday) I have not succumbed to food which is a huge bonus for me, and for once i'm going to praise myself for that. I don't take compliments well and don't take pride in my achievements i have serious self doubts with lots of aspects of my life and no matter what happens over the forthcoming days, weeks, months LL will have taught me that I need to be proud of what i've achieved over the past three years. I've not had it easy and as my LLC told me, 'You've had a rollercoaster three years' BUT in light of this i feel stronger and more positive.

Soon be time for another food pack-oh the choice,decisions decisions!!!
 
PS I did 450 words of essay! 450 to go! And also got results for last essay, 2 marks off a first-happy days!
 
Day 10 of LLT - have woken with a slight headache!!! :-( Oh well it will pass i know that. I need to get this assignment nailed today, only 450 words to go so CAN DO that-need more of this attitude!!! I cannot stop thinking about food, i am even googling restaurant menus-not sure this is normal!!?? However, i am chuffed that not an ounce of anything has passed my lips-only the LL packs and plain water! Its late now (9.40am) for my breakfast so no wonder i am feeling like crap! Today is another day and i think it is going to be a struggle-weekend of missing roast dinner which is my favourite!!! Hope everyone has a successful day-sending positive thoughts your way! Don't think anyone is interested in my diary either but i do find it 'therapeutic' to write it all down :)
 
Lol aww bless you. People read more diaries than they post on for sure. A lot of people dont post replies as they are shy or are not registered on the site. Besides writting in any form is good for the soul.

Lighter life is an amazing way to get to the bottom of of your relationship with food. Trust me do it now at the start of your career, as it is really easy to fall in the habit of using food as a crutch in times of stress. In social work is not the most stress free profession, and great care needs to be taken to look after ones health.

The thought of food can be quite an obsessive one. You can see from some of the threads that a lot of us get obsessed with the food programs and stuff. I mean if we weren't obsessed with food we wouldn't have half the issues that we have.

Dont start worrying about the holidays comming up just yet. Your opinion on this will change as you go along. Some people have chosen abstinence for this. Not something I could manage but they have done well, others do adaptations of lite, and there is the whole camp of to hell with it and face the piper when I come back. Which ever you decide on the important bit is to keep going with the program and not throw away what progress you have made, either before you go or after you come back.

Chin up with the essay, lot of emotions tied up in the last piece of work. Cutting the ties to learning, very emotive.

Onwards and upwards xx
 
Just tried to send you a private mesage, but your settings are such that you are not receiving them x
 
Oh no, please don't think that! I'm sure plenty of people are interested in your diary - I know I am! We started at the same time so it's helpful to me to know we are going through the same things. At least you are brave enough to put it all down in a diary - I'm a bit too chicken yet... maybe a bit further into it!

Congrats on the mark for your last essay and on getting more done of this one! It's always hard to get motivation for that last wee bit of any project but just keep thinking that it's almost over. One final push and it'll be done, and another weight off your mind. Best of luck for getting it finished this weekend!

As for missing the Sunday lunch, it might be tough, but I always look at it from a financial point of view - is this bite of food really worth £72? Because if I go ahead and eat the food then I may as well have burnt the money I paid the LLC this week - and I'm a bit too tight to go around burning money :) so up to now, I've always been able to resist! Plus, the food will still be there once you've finished LL - I would have killed for a boiled egg the other day (weird, I know) but I can still have one when I finish all this - they won't have disappeared off the face of the planet or anything and I don't imagine I'll really die if I don't eat one RIGHT NOW (even if that's how it feels sometimes :D ).

It must be hard to be going through this having taken out a loan for it, and with no absolute guarantees at the end. I'm sure it was a huge decision even just to get started and justify the expense - it was for me too. But I'm trying to look on the money as an investment in my future like another degree course or re-training - it'll sort me out and give me the tools to get through the next bit of my life. I'd do it for my career so why not for myself? And I think (finally!) I've found the motivation, determination, and sheer pig-headedness to make it work. I hope it's the same for you and I'm sure it'll all be worth it - you've been amazing so far!

It's great that your hubby has been so supportive but it's sad that you eat separately at the moment - have you tried eating your packs at the same time as he's eating his meals? That's what I've been doing with my family and it means we all still get to eat together and chat about the day, it's just we're all having different things - they 'normal' meals, and me my packs. We used to all eat different things anyway as no-one likes the same stuff as anyone else so it's not a problem on that front - they're still eating stuff I know I don't like! If that won't work then just remember it's not forever. You both know why you're doing this and now you have taken the step of actually starting the diet, the end is already that little bit closer! Brilliant!

Gosh, just read over this and it's a bit of a mammoth post - Sorry!! Anyway, hope some of it helps, and do keep up with your diary - I love reading it! :) Wishing you positive thoughts for this weekend!
 
Clarabow said:
Just tried to send you a private mesage, but your settings are such that you are not receiving them x
Click to expand...

I'm not really sure how to do messages etc, will have a look now in the week when this essay is complete! But thanks! :)
 
Thank you 'One fine day' it is hard i'm finding it really tough today if i'm honest! I just want to give up and have a meal, but then i felt like this yesterday too and i didn't so i know there is some willpower in me somewhere! Not too worried about the roast dinner, i do think that will be there when i finish.

At the moment I can't eat with hubby and student as i feel like i am being deprived and also a little bit jealous that i am not having what they are having. I do all the cooking and that is hard enough, although i love to cook-always have!

I think i'm finding it so hard today as am feeling so rotten, sore eyes, tired, stressed and a lovely headache to boot! Maybe when this essay is in I will feel better again! I am not drinking enough either, I was on 3.5 litres a day plus packs on top but today i've only had 1.5 litres so far-hence the headache i suppose! I don't know why but i am fine with the food packs but i have never been a fan of water so i think thats getting to me! If i could have squash that would be fine i'm sure!

As for the loan its from the 'Bank of Dad' but i still feel bad if u know what i mean, i think that is part of what is keeping me going in that i'm not willing to waste his money!

Anyhow thanks for you words of encouragement, means alot when you are having a c**p day!

When did you start and are you on total??? How have you found it?
 
Clarabow said:
Lol aww bless you. People read more diaries than they post on for sure. A lot of people dont post replies as they are shy or are not registered on the site. Besides writting in any form is good for the soul.

Lighter life is an amazing way to get to the bottom of of your relationship with food. Trust me do it now at the start of your career, as it is really easy to fall in the habit of using food as a crutch in times of stress. In social work is not the most stress free profession, and great care needs to be taken to look after ones health.

The thought of food can be quite an obsessive one. You can see from some of the threads that a lot of us get obsessed with the food programs and stuff. I mean if we weren't obsessed with food we wouldn't have half the issues that we have.

Dont start worrying about the holidays comming up just yet. Your opinion on this will change as you go along. Some people have chosen abstinence for this. Not something I could manage but they have done well, others do adaptations of lite, and there is the whole camp of to hell with it and face the piper when I come back. Which ever you decide on the important bit is to keep going with the program and not throw away what progress you have made, either before you go or after you come back.

Chin up with the essay, lot of emotions tied up in the last piece of work. Cutting the ties to learning, very emotive.

Onwards and upwards xx
Click to expand...

Thanks Clara, i don't mind people not reading it really as i just use it as my 'therapy!' if you know what i mean. I think the realisation of this coming to an end (the degree that is!) and having no job is dawning on me. Problem is i left another profession (teaching) as there was no 'money in the pot' from the school's budget point of view but long story short it ended up in a legal wrangle for three years! So i've been through complete stress and i think thats where my eating became out of control! I'm happier now just need to focus on one day at a time, i think my problem is i look ahead too much!! And i also beat myself up-can be a bit of a perfectionist but never get results if u know what i mean!
 
Aw, sorry you're feeling rubbish and finding it tough. Maybe one of the flavours would help with the water? It's a lot to get down in a day - before this I hardly used to drink anything!

Yep, I'm on total and I started properly on May 6th so am on day 9 today. I've found it OK for the most part - had a few headaches, one craving, and last Sunday felt tired, dizzy and 'out of it' for most of the day, but other than that I've been not too bad - I'm really surprised at that and chuffed! I have trouble drinking enough water each day, though I'm slowly increasing it as I go... now on about 3 litres which is a huge improvement from day 1. My main problem is that I don't like shakes, never have, so I'm finding everything a bit sweet, and am mixing all the shakes with coffee (a lot of coffee!) to tone them down slightly so I'm a little bit wired most of the time :crazy: . I've been OK with others eating around me too so far, but then I've not had too many big tests yet - one meeting, one night at the pub and a theatre trip. I work on my own so can make my lunches in peace and don't have others eating around me all day so I'm lucky in that respect, and I've generally been quite busy the last few weeks so I haven't had a great deal of time to get bored (which is when I usually eat) and dwell on it. I'm pleased with how it's going so far BUT...

...(and it's a big but) I feel like it's almost going too well. I'm waiting for the mad cravings to start and the feelings of deprivation etc. It must be an absolute nightmare when you get like that. I know others have gone through that already (you mentioned googling restaurant menus :D) and I can't help thinking that must be just around the corner for me too... and I'm dreading it! I'm worried already which probably isn't helping! I know I must be annoyingly chirpy at the moment (sorry! :eek: ), but I know my down days will come and I really hope I can pull through them like you and the others have. You might only be a few weeks into it but you're an inspiration already! Well done, and keep going! :clap:

(Right, enough of me hijacking your diary - I'll shut up for a bit... and learn to write shorter posts! ;)) Hope your day gets better!
 
LOL 'One fine day!' yeah i had the feeling of 'too good to be true!' up until now of course! Oh well, i'm hoping it will pass-sure it will! I felt really rough earlier so took to my bed with paracetemol. I too am not a water fan, but have been managing to drink a fair amount, up until about now really! I am due on soon so i am wondering maybe thats part of it aswell!

I have manage to get to 4000 words for my essay-yey! Still a bit of a mess but have hit the word count! More tomorrow.

I just whizzed up a banana shake and as my stomach was a bit 'irritable' the other day i haven't had coffee since Wednesday but i enjoyed-put a bit too much ice in but was lovely and slushy so ate it with a spoon-am freezing now mind! LOL

Tomorrow is another day, that has always been my motto anyhow!

You are doing really well and we are only a day apart i think - mad! I am cooking roast dinner for hubby and student tomorrow, hope these pangs have gone away by them. I wonder am i doing this diet so as to test myself to see if i can live without food, i can safely say that i can live without it-well its been ten days now!!! As i'm sitting here i am watching 'Come dine with me' love that programme and even this diet won't stop me watching it!

Quiet evening for me tonight i think to get over this day, heres hoping for a good week! Oh and i must must must put the two sets of bathroom scales away somewhere as i keep getting on them-think that is why i'm not completely focused because it is playing on my mind that i am putting ON weight!!!!
 
If you have been 100% abstinent you shouldn't put weight on! Your mind is playing tricks on you, step away from the scales it really isn't worth the stress it causes you honestly.

I am watching come dine with me to, love the fact I can watch it and not feel like I am missing out as it usually looks yuk! Xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
100% abstinent!! Anything looks lovely at the moment LadyT! But thanks, yeah just think i'm on a downer all round, previous argument with hubby (all fine now), stress of completing essay and nearly TOTM - Probably just hormones hey! I am going to try the chocolate pack tonight hot with a bit of coffee-see how that goes!!! :)
 
Chocolate was never one of my favourites strange really as I am defo a chocoholic!! Make sure you mix it well it is prone to lumps xx

Keep smiling lovely and focus on one thing at a time you will get through it xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
The stress of the final college piece is HUGE. I never used to be able to write mine wihtout resorting to compensation with food. I did get through the student's report without resorting to food which was a miracle.

It will be soo much easier when it is in and you can relax. Honestly, keep at it my lovely xx
 
I feel like i've let myself down with this essay Clara i think thats the problem why i'm feeling crappy! When I finished PLO I just felt awful-drained and although i started essay whilst on PLO-ultra organised i now feel it is one of the worst i have written! I am not 'academic' by any means and i just can't whip up an essay quick -shame!! I am pleased that i'm nearly over day 10 and this awful feeling-feel a weeny bit more positive now! I am proud i haven't lapsed so thats the main thing!! Two weeks today i will be in Cardiff shopping with my Mum and Sister for a girlie weekend, courtesy of my Dad for finishing my degree!!!!
 
At this stage in the game at the end of placement, everyone wants to throw in the towel and is brain dead. I think it is rotten timing then to put an additional piece in for you all to do.

I used to think all my stuff was crap, but it usually passed. As long as this is good enough that is all you have to worry about. The practice stuff will be more important. Trust me no one will be asking you your essay scores when you go to interview. They will be asking about you and your experience though, so stuff it lol

The girly weekend in Cardiff sounds amazing. Hope to go up with a friend in a week or two's time for a bit of retail therapy :)

Keep strong x
 
Thanks Clara, always here with wise words!!! Thats one of my biggest problems see i am such a bloody perfectionist that if i get anything below 60% i am devastated and beat myself up!!! I usually get 62% its an ongoing joke with uni peers cos i say i'm sure they look at the numbers and think here she is 62%!!! This time i got 68% and for essay before xmas 71% so just as i'm getting 'good' at them its time to finish!! My mind tells me to take a chill pill and yes i agree Clara thats where i'm best in practice-so i'm told! LOL But that doesn't take away that i'm already pressurising myself to get a 2.1 because thats what i had for my last degree!!!!! Oh well after today it will be a distant memory-well tomorrow when its handed in! I need to add NOS and CoP and also do my reference list and i'm nearly done, i'm not happy with it but its too late in the day to change it!

Am feeling a little more positive today about the whole diet thing and think today is fresh and new and i'm ready to roll! I am late for my period i think which never happens-i'm definately not pregnant as have related problems that mean i can't conceive naturally but i suppose its the diet and bodily changes so to speak!!!

Look out day 11 i'm here to get you!!!!!
 
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