Thanks everyone - I wish I was as strong as I sound - but I am trying
My DH is incredibly strong and I have been learning from him for a long time. Through our whole relationship he has encouraged me to take ownership and responsibility for the choices I make in my life. Which is annoying because I want to be told what to do. I'm really good at doing what I'm told, not so good at free will
But that is why I married him, he continually let me make my own choices and supported them. When I would come to him for advice he would help me sort through my thoughts, but not tell me what he thought I should do. Coming from a family where the "MAN" gave all the orders, made all the decisions, and severely punished any missteps this was an eye opening experience and still is. It continues to surprise me how much my childhood still impacts my life. I have worked through it so many times, but it comes back and has to be worked through again from a different perspective. I think this is one of the traps I fell into when my folks died last year I didn't do the work - I just retreated. My first thought was "I'm finally free." the next one was "I don't know what to do now." the next one was "there is nobody left that really cares about me." And then the next 6 months turn into a fog.
My logical mind knows that my husband and son love me and care about me and would do anything for me. We have a great little family. But they are also very well-adjusted, self-sufficient, well-integrated, and pretty darn happy. They don't want to know the minutiae of my day or share theirs - the day went by, it was good, I did stuff (a,b,c), so-and-so was annoying, so-and-so was really interesting, the end - what's for dinner? My folks wanted minute-by-minute accounts and reflections. My mom would talk to me for 2 - 3 hours a day every day to find out everything I was doing, feeling, thinking and then give me her opinions on what I could be doing better and commiserate on things I couldn't fix. My dad would listen through all of this and then tell me everything that I should do to fix everything. I seldom took any of their advice, but it was part of my life. Now, all that stuff is stuck inside - I share part of it here, but most of it is rattling around in my brain. I am thankful that I did not inculcate my son with the same methodology - I let him keep his innermost thoughts to himself and am satisfied by his sharing what he does about his life.
OK - that was quite a tangent. I went to my water fitness class last night and it was very enjoyable. I could feel the muscles working but it didn't hurt in a bad way - just the normal sort of discomfort you get when you use a muscle that you haven't used for a while. But when I got out of the pool - oh did it hurt to have the full weight of my body on my frame again! I think I may need to move into a pool
When I was chatting with the other ladies in the class, one of them happens to be a psycho-therapist. She says she has treated many people dealing with similar issues and I am seriously considering scheduling some appts. with her. My last therapist I didn't appreciate at all, so I decided against further therapy, but that was 12 years ago and I have changed a bit since then. I am not sure if I want a therapist that I will also see in fitness class, but I really liked her and felt at ease chatting with her....
Food:
Yesterday was a PV day, did well although I did have two beet slices which my DH called me on (Hey, you said beets weren't on the list!) - I replied, they aren't but I love beets and it keeps me from sliding into other worse choices to give myself a tiny treat. (I need that little rebellion I think)
B: Omelette with peppers, tomatoes, onions, and turkey bacon
L: Pork roast, green beans, yogurt
S: Two low fat organic hot dogs (while watching sons football game - his team is sponsored by Organic Valley, so concessions are super healthy)
D: Steak, shrimp, green salad (with two beet slices
), cucumbers, tomatoes, cabbage, and vinaigrette
Todays food (PP)
B: Omelette + yogurt
L: Two turkey burgers
D: Dukan meatballs with cream sauce (milk, sour cream, salt, pepper, paprika, nutmeg, dried chives, with a little bit of cornstarch roué for thickening)
Challenges:
Motivation starting to wane, fatigue
Response:
Go to fat club, minimins, and get to bed a bit earlier
Focus on the short tem goal - 10% loss = 24 lbs - 5% loss = 12 lbs. In one more week I should be at 5% - that will be great! At 10% I should start to feel better in my joints. Reducing the pain should be a good motivation...
