Thursday, 26th May 2011, 13.00:
Okay... I've tried calorie counting. And failed miserably. I am taking a new approach. I am trying a VLCD (Exante total plan). I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of hating myself. I lose weight then pile it back on and more. I am sick of yo-yo-ing. I want to lose all the weight so that I can keep it off. A break from food may be just the thing I need to break this horrible habit of stress-binging! It'll be good to learn some self-discipline and gain some control over what I eat as at the moment I feel massively out of control.
I started today and it's going really well. I don't even feel hungry. My current weight is 12 stone 10lbs. I decided it's time and that it's important enough now to do a diet as 'drastic' as this one as my weight is causing me serious distress. I've started to really hate myself and starting to develop some real issues over my size. So I'm getting the weight off first, then learning how to eat properly along the way / afterwards. I will do anything not to put this weight back on once it is off so I can't see me stopping exante then piling it all back on. It'll be on to serious calorie counting once I have lost the weight and hopefully I'll have learnt some self-control over the diet to give me the strength to stop when I hit my calorie limit and say, "no more".
The view that started all of this was when I sat down on the end of my bed and saw my reflection in the mirror. My stomach fat was hanging down and resting on my legs and I realised: I really have got FAT. I'm not just overweight now, I'm fat.
I hate it. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel about the way that I look. I hate feeling guilty every time that I eat. I hate that my size 14 trousers are all far too tight now. I hate not wanting to go out because I can't stand the way that I look. It has got to stop. So I'm going to lose the weight quickly, and deal with the rest later.
Day 1: Total success so far, not even feeling hungry. I'm so determined to do this because it is SO important.
Thursday, 26th May, 20.00:
1 day down and not a single hitch! I don't even want food! I don't even feel like I 'can't' have food - I feel like it is totally my choice not to eat anything outside of the diet. I just walked into the kitchen to wash up and the girls high chair trays had some fake-chicken nuggets on that they've left and I LOVE them, but I threw them away because I don't feel that the momentary, short-lived enjoyment of them was worth it. I don't think it's worth it to break this diet for anything. I think it is worth everything to stick to it. I'm so excited and feel so much more positive about myself already!
Friday, 27th May, 7.00:
I've lost weight already! I know it's not 'real' weight, and it's only fluid and not fat, but it is SO encouraging. This time yesterday I weighed 12stone 10lbs and this morning I weigh 12 stone 4lbs! That's 6lbs in the first day! What greater encouragement to continue could there be?
Oh also, I'm STILL not feeling hungry or like I'm missing out. I'm just very happy to be finally doing something about this
Friday, 27th May, 10.30:
I'm just tucking in to my banana shake breakfast and it's the first I've 'eaten' since my exante vegetable soup at 6.20 yesterday evening! That's a massive accomplishment as usually between dinner and breakfast is my worst time for binging and snacking.
I find the exante products quite bland, but that's probably a good thing as otherwise I think I might end up being tempted to eat too many of them
I felt a little big hungry before starting my shake just now, but it wasn't that horrible emotional / psychological obsessive hunger that I've wrestled with the last few years - it was a belly rumbly feeling! And it felt quite nice. It made me nostalgic to when I was in primary school and the smell of the school dinners would waft through the hall... Mmmmm Turkey Twizzlers and Cold Custard :flirt2:
I'm half way through my banana shake and I'm already starting to feel full again. I felt very energetic this morning so attempted my exercise DVD but it hurt my leg muscles straight away so I figured I'm not ready to throw myself into the deep end just yet! I'm going to take the girls out for a gentle stroll to the library instead
I'm so happy! All those horrible thoughts and feelings about myself are going already because I am doing something about it. I really feel great!
Friday, 27th May, 13.30:
I ended up doing double the amount of exercise I had intended!
I walked to the library (2 miles) then back. ... Then I realised I had left my keys there (including my car keys so couldn't drive back to get them!) so I had to walk there and back again! Meaning I have now walked 8 miles!
I feel worn out now. I'm going to watch neighbours and then have my exante bar.
Friday, 27th May, 16.30:
Well I've just faced my first challenge - Doing the shopping! I soooooo wanted to buy and eat all the nice foods
I was good, though and only got stuff for the rest of the family for meals and snacks
I've come home and made the girls some fresh, hot tiger loaf with butter on and the SMELL!! I even contemplated just cutting the nobby into a tiny piece and sticking some butter on, trying to reason, "I'd still be under 800 calories!"
But ultimately I decided not to as I CAN'T allow myself to fail on this. I HAVE to stick to it 100%. This means so much to me.
I refuse to think, "I can't eat that", about nice foods as I am CHOOSING not to eat it because I want to be thin more than I want a slice of fresh tiger loaf, or a cake, doughnut, chocolate eclaire, profiteroles or crisps or popcorn (all the things I wanted to eat in the supermarket!). Ultimately, I want to be thin more than I want ANY of those things.
It's easy to feel a little bit cheated when you see others enjoying nice, delicious, tasty foods but I really would be cheating myself if I slipped on this.
I'm only in my 20's but I feel like this is my last chance - If this doesn't work, nothing will! I need to prove to myself that I have the strength and willpower to change.
Friday, 27th May, 17.30:
I now feel exhausted. I think I've overdone it with all the walking...
Early night tonight...
Friday, 27th May, 20.00:
I had a mushroom soup for dinner and it was okay. So far I've not had any exante products that I've been repulsed by, but none that I particularly like, either. I can see this diet becoming very boring. But I think it'll do me good to take the enjoyment out of eating for a month or two to break my habbit of seeing food as a reward or a treat and start to look at in terms of nutrition and energy.
I know if I stopped this diet now I'd be straight back where I was - I'd probably order a take out tonight and polish off that tiger loaf, so I'm sticking with it until I trust myself to make sensible decisions about food.
I'm knackered so I'll be heading to bed very shortly, which at least means I don't have to get through the night thinking about all the nice foods that I saw today!
So I guess that makes it another day successfully completed
Saturday, 28th May, 7.00:
I must be in ketosis! Had the WORST breath last night and was f-f-f-freezing! Hubby was like, 'It's boiling hot!'.
I went to bed without eating anything last night so that's two days completely successful now. I'm so determined to stick this out. It feels like all or nothing with me and I feel like if I fail this I am sentensing myself to LIFE as a fat person.
So far I don't feel at all hungry today so I will hold off until 11 or 12 for my first shake to make it easier on myself as the day goes on.
I know you're not supposed to weigh in every day but I find it so fascinating (and encouraging so far): I've lost another 2lbs overnight! That's 8lbs since I started
I can't wait to get my Wii back from repair and see my 'wii me' on Wii fit shrink lol
Saturday, 28th May, 9.21:
Ahh crisis!! I just realised it's a bank holiday and I didn't order my bumper pack in time! I'm going to be one or two days short
I don't know what to do now... I don't want to break the diet at all and come out of this good-not-needing-food place that I am in!
I can't believe I didn't think of this. Gah!
Saturday, 28th May, 11.20:
I have some old ultraslim shakes at the back of my cupboard... These will probably take me out of ketosis as you make them with skimmed milk, and they're not nutritionally complete, but I could use these for a few days so that I don't break my routine...
Saturday, 28th May, 18.30:
I've found today much easier than yesterday
I am looking forward to having my tomato soup later, though.
Today I am feeling very proud of myself for sticking at it, and not wanting everyone else's food. We went to the zoo today and the girls' packed lunch smelt sooo good but I was good and remembered why I am choosing not to eat that sort of food right now. I had a good day out, though and apart from when the girls had their lunch, walking around kept me busy and my mind off food.
I only really miss food when others are eating nice foods around me but I am finding it easy enough, at the moment, to remind myself that a) the food will still be there (in moderation!) once I finish the diet and have learnt how to eat sensibly and b) I still want to be shed this fat more than I want to give in to the food!
I'm feeling positive and very glad that I made the decision to go on this diet
PS: I've decided that on the day or two where I am short I will have two ultraslim shakes and an ultraslim bar. It's not ideal as it will take me out of ketosis and they're not designed to be a sole source of nutrition, but I think it is best that I stick to my plan and don't break my routine of shake, bar, shake. Hopefully this will keep me on track so that exante will be easy to resume on Tuesday or Wednesday when my new packs arrive.
Sunday, 29th May, 9.30:
I have never been a 'normal' size really. I was TINY as a child, but my mum was really poor and we didn't have much food, then when she got a good job, just as I started highschool, I PILED the pounds on because snacks were such a novelty.
I also got a paper-round at this time and would spend the money as soon as it was in my hand on junk food, doughnuts, dr pepper... I'd eat a 10pack of doughnuts a day.
I look back at my diaries from when I was a teen and every page is like a list of what I ate because eating was such a novelty, such a great thing, my diary would go:
"I got to school and I got a snickers bar and carton of umbongo from the vending machine, I ate a bag of tortilla chips. At lunch time I walked to the cafe and I got cheesy chips and a doughnut. When I got home mum had bought wraps and I had them with chocolate spread and then I went out on my paper round I was paid £8 and got a mars bar and a mars bar drink and a pepsi, and a dr pepper, and I went round my nan and grandads and grandad had made me an apple pie with my name on and I ate it all! And then I had a pot noodle and then...." Literally.
I got really, really obese in highschool but I started losing weight through college by running / cycling the 16 miles there and 16 miles back every day and developed bad eating habits to get skinnier and skinnier.
When I got pregnant with DD1 my mum asked me to move out and I was homeless for a while. We lived in a b&b for 3 months before we moved into our bungalow. Hubby wasn't working at the time as his disability was in a bad flare up and he'd been signed off so we had little money, and no kitchen!, so we lived off of takeaways when we could afford them and pot noodles / pastas when we couldn't. I was really skinny mostly due to having no kitchen. I feel guilty about that as DD1 was very small and poorly when she was born
Hubby then got a very well paid job just as I got found out that I was pregnant with the twins. And it was like the same old cycle of my mum getting her job and food being a novelty. I piled the lbs on through my twin pregnancy and have continued to gain weight since having the babies.
Truth is I just want to be normal and to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. I want to have a NORMAL relationship with food. I want to eat 'normal' foods and normal food portions and not be so damn excited about or emotionally bonded to food! I want to be a normal person who eats normal portion-sizes and eats because it is time for dinner or lunch and not because I am upset, or treating myself.
Sunday, 29th May, 12.00:
I find the exante packs really bland. I haven't tried any yet that I don't like, but none I like either. I quite like it that way, though as I'm not at all tempted to binge on them and don't find myself counting down to them or anything.
I'm feeling really full today! I have just had a strawberry shake for breakfast as I was a little longer shopping this morning than I intended to be and didn't get back until 11am. I feel really satisfied and full now, though - getting to 2pm for my bar will be a breeze!
I found food shopping much easier this time
I was able to walk past food without wanting to eat it all. I just thought, 'that will all still be there when I finish this diet'! PLUS then I will be able to enjoy it sensibly and hopefully not feel the need to eat it all in one go and still be able to go between breakfast, lunch, dinner and breakie again without feeling the need to eat anything. I really look forward to that
I think today will be really easy for me, I'm really 'in the zone' AND I'm keeping busy between meals!
Let's do this thing!!
Sunday, 29th May, 18.30:
I feel sooo full today! It's amazing! I even had to force the last few spoonfuls of my soup down as I felt really, really full.
I had the Thai Chicken (flavour) Soup today and it was the first one I've actually liked the taste of. Ironic as I'm a vegetarian!
I have only one pack left now of exante and am then onto the ultraslim until my bumper pack arrives, which will either be Tuesday or Wednesday
I will still be doing shake, bar, shake, but it is gutting to potentially come out of ketosis and 'leave' the diet at this stage when I have been in such a good place. I just hope the temporary transition doesn't prove too disruptive. I have a busy couple of days ahead so keeping fingers crossed that that keeps me on track.
I don't feel in the least bit hungry tonight so I'm going to put the girls to bed and then watch '
Britain's Got Talent' and then catch up with '
Doctor Who' as I missed the last two episodes (will iplayer them in bed! Tehe) then straight to sleep so as not to think about food or allow myself to potentially become hungry.
I'm very excited and in a very good and positive place right now. So far, I love this diet and I just hope I can prove to myself that I can do this - stay on total solution until I am in a healthy BMI range and then work up the steps and then the biggest challenge of all - MAINTAIN healthy eating habits and healthy food relationships and just be a healthy, normal person. I'm so excited for all that is to come
Monday, 30th May, 11.00:
Well, Day 5 has officially commenced! I cannot believe that I have made it this far without a hitch! I just had my last exante shake until my bumper pack arrives (tomorrow or wednesday - am on ultraslim meal replacemens until then): it was a vanilla one and it was really, very yummy! Nom nom nom. That said, I can't be sure the last 2 meals have ACTUALLY tasted any better - Could it be that I've been on this diet so long that ANYTHING would taste nice??
I have started to ponder when / how I will move up the steps as I know I can't stay on TS until I am at my goal weight. What BMI should I be when I start to reintroduce food? I'm thinking of moving onto the working solution when my BMI is down to 25 and then onto the simple solution when my BMI is 22? Does this sound okay? Once I reach my goal weight I hope to maintain by mimicking the diet as in 200cals for breakie (in fact may even stick with shakes for breakfast as I've already grown accustomed to it) and then, keeping my meals at the same time as I've had my packs on the diet, (no snacking inbetween!) up the cals at lunch to have a healthy 400 calorie lunch and then have a 800 calorie dinner in the evening. Does this sound like it will work? I guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along but I like planning!
I am positive I can stick to this diet today. I don't know what the future holds or what struggles I may face as I go along but I'm feeling very positive and confident today
Monday, 30th May, 20.00:
Another day down. They are FLYING by.
I feel like I have cheated today even though I have only had an exante shake for breakfast, an ultraslim bar for lunch and an ultraslim shake for dinner. I think the ultraslim products are much more filling than the exante ones, plus the ultraslim shakes are made up with skimmed milk, so I felt like I was eating too much.
I don't *think* it's taken me out of ketosis. I still don't feel
physically hungry. Although today I have really missed food
I wanted everything that DH and the girls ate through the day. I REALLY wanted the mini flapjacks that they had at the zoo and the smell of the cheese sandwiches when they were taken out of the foil, and the smell of the hula hoops nearly sent me over the edge! I *wanted* them. It would have been so easy for me to just have one or two bites, but I remembered why I am on the diet and enjoyed my chocolate ultraslim meal replacement bar. That was TOUGH though. I really wanted to join in with them and enjoy the picnic.
By dinner time I had pulled myself together and their dinner wasn't in the least bit appealing to me
I want to get rid of this fat, thank you very much
