Tilleymonster
Full Member
I will write much more tomorrow as back in the office, but please try not to worry avoyt
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Tilleymonster
Full Member
I will write much more tomorrow as back in the office, but please try not to worry about the smaller loss or the eating a protein meal, im sure you'll be able to do it and not go silly as your self control has been amazing. Birthday great thank you but bought my spanx for the wedding dress fittings next weekend and im so scared!!!! Eeeeeeek! Actually looking forward to work and my routine again. X
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Hello! I am on board.
I'm now calling this day 1. As here we go again with going through the lovely stages of ketosis and onwards.
So, I'm back at work. Always far more intimidated and anxious about this than I need to be. Plenty of work to do which should keep me occupied. I've got my 2l of fizzy water, my porridge and a soup. I'm just scared. I'm scared that where I have been a failure over Xmas I am placing too much emphasis on that fact and don't feel that I can get back to where I was. I mean, I intend to, so why the worries? It needs to be a no questions asked thing. So that's what I'll try to focus on. My OH is on shifts for the next three days so I will be alone which is easier, but I have to go home after the office and not find any excuses about 'first day back' meaning I need to eat. Must re-learn that food is not the answer to the many questions I have lol! In fact, my birthday has made me realise I have absolutely 100% no issues in life other than my weight. That in itself is a massive reason to just get the f on with it!
I have the first wedding dress shop on Saturday too. I bought some spanx this weekend (even skinny girls where those right?) and my god. It was so embarrassing. OH had to haul me in and then out again. We did fall about laughing but it was so embarrassing at the same time. Looking in the mirror reminded me just how nice this would be, WILL be, once I don't have quite so many flabby bits hanging out the sides and rolling out the top and urgh...I'm all like pastry. When my stomach flopped out of the pants I swear there was a crack like thunder. lol! The OH was then very wary of me and trying to get me to realise that this is fine, I can still try on dresses at a size 14 top and 16 bottom and I won't be when it comes to the day. But then I ended up googling for sites about how you cope when trying on small sample sized dresses. Surely most women are bigger than 10/12 aren't they? I don't want to be ashamed and embarrassed again. What if nothing looks nice? But if I don't do this now then I'll run out of time (so all the magazine say). Urgh. Really very nervous. And of course cross - if I'd followed my original plan I'd be near the 11s and much smaller now, so only myself to blame, as always. STOP - enough of that. Must stop having a go at myself about things I've already done, it's so unhelpful that my brain does that!
Skinny, I was thinking - if these are people you don't know very well do they know anyone in your 'real life' - to tell them? Cos part of me wonders if you come clean about it, no shame, no embarrassment but it means you can stick to what is working so well for you, and still return home and not give it away to anyone else? I have been thinking and actually, my advice would be - for as strong as you've been do NOT give in and have meals. Just out yourself and stick to it. You'll be surprised how little people are interested! I just think that you've been perfect and so strong and to 'give in' not because you're ready to take the next step but to cover this decision you've made to others, who don't matter a jot when it comes down to it, would be really sad. xxx (I know it's not that easy, but it could be, if you just trust yourself and stick to your guns.) xxx
I'm now calling this day 1. As here we go again with going through the lovely stages of ketosis and onwards.
So, I'm back at work. Always far more intimidated and anxious about this than I need to be. Plenty of work to do which should keep me occupied. I've got my 2l of fizzy water, my porridge and a soup. I'm just scared. I'm scared that where I have been a failure over Xmas I am placing too much emphasis on that fact and don't feel that I can get back to where I was. I mean, I intend to, so why the worries? It needs to be a no questions asked thing. So that's what I'll try to focus on. My OH is on shifts for the next three days so I will be alone which is easier, but I have to go home after the office and not find any excuses about 'first day back' meaning I need to eat. Must re-learn that food is not the answer to the many questions I have lol! In fact, my birthday has made me realise I have absolutely 100% no issues in life other than my weight. That in itself is a massive reason to just get the f on with it!
I have the first wedding dress shop on Saturday too. I bought some spanx this weekend (even skinny girls where those right?) and my god. It was so embarrassing. OH had to haul me in and then out again. We did fall about laughing but it was so embarrassing at the same time. Looking in the mirror reminded me just how nice this would be, WILL be, once I don't have quite so many flabby bits hanging out the sides and rolling out the top and urgh...I'm all like pastry. When my stomach flopped out of the pants I swear there was a crack like thunder. lol! The OH was then very wary of me and trying to get me to realise that this is fine, I can still try on dresses at a size 14 top and 16 bottom and I won't be when it comes to the day. But then I ended up googling for sites about how you cope when trying on small sample sized dresses. Surely most women are bigger than 10/12 aren't they? I don't want to be ashamed and embarrassed again. What if nothing looks nice? But if I don't do this now then I'll run out of time (so all the magazine say). Urgh. Really very nervous. And of course cross - if I'd followed my original plan I'd be near the 11s and much smaller now, so only myself to blame, as always. STOP - enough of that. Must stop having a go at myself about things I've already done, it's so unhelpful that my brain does that!
Skinny, I was thinking - if these are people you don't know very well do they know anyone in your 'real life' - to tell them? Cos part of me wonders if you come clean about it, no shame, no embarrassment but it means you can stick to what is working so well for you, and still return home and not give it away to anyone else? I have been thinking and actually, my advice would be - for as strong as you've been do NOT give in and have meals. Just out yourself and stick to it. You'll be surprised how little people are interested! I just think that you've been perfect and so strong and to 'give in' not because you're ready to take the next step but to cover this decision you've made to others, who don't matter a jot when it comes down to it, would be really sad. xxx (I know it's not that easy, but it could be, if you just trust yourself and stick to your guns.) xxx
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Midway through Day 1 so posting again - bored at work more than anything I think! Supping my spring onion soup, 1l of water left for rest of afternoon and a cup of black coffee by my side. Lovely. Since everyone found out me being on the diet (courtesy of the 'buffet' email from work colleague before Xmas) I've been asked quite abit by people about what I'm doing. Things like 'I did the cambridge diet once, but it made me ill and I couldn't drive'. Makes me laugh. I did get that shakey bit though, but still, that was one day out of so many lol!
I was just reading Minerva's diary where she says about being on Day 7 and not missing the evening meal so much. That's really hit home. It's the evening meal that is so hard to get past, but LL becomes a doodle once you're through that part. So I'm planning tonight, I'm going home, out to walk dogs, back for a bath, then my carbonara, then some sewing or jigsaw, then my shake, then reading and bed. How perfect and easy is that for an evening plan? I must not let myself down. I don't want to be starting afresh, I want to be back on track, losing weight, updating my tracker, ticking off things I've achieved and buying lovely clothes and receiving compliments and not sulking in my PJs when I get home and feeling sick from pushing things in my mouth. I want to get to spring and be out in the garden and be confident about bending and sitting for long periods sorting everything out. I want my energy back, as man, has that been sapped by eating of Xmas - totally derails you from conversation or having the will to be sociable. I missed that part of the plan loads. I also would love to be ready for summer for once so I can wear the lovely dresses or a vest in the office and not be ashamed and try to put on a cardigan over the top. it'd be so good to be READY. Let alone for the wedding, but for life. To know I could attend outdoor fun events like BBQs without spending an hour crying when I see what I look like in a dress I thought fit, but doesn't. Or going out walking the dogs in shorts, without worrying that they'll ride up in the front and that I look disgusting and my thighs are chafing.
I want, more than any of these things, to feel in control. Releasing myself to food so early was really horrid. I have no control at all with what I eat, and the knock on effect of how I then feel about my abilities and self is really harsh, I end up practically hating myself and not understanding why my other half would be anywhere near me when I'm so vile. It's a real issue, and I need to get back into counselling and work through this or I feel it'll never change.
I was just reading Minerva's diary where she says about being on Day 7 and not missing the evening meal so much. That's really hit home. It's the evening meal that is so hard to get past, but LL becomes a doodle once you're through that part. So I'm planning tonight, I'm going home, out to walk dogs, back for a bath, then my carbonara, then some sewing or jigsaw, then my shake, then reading and bed. How perfect and easy is that for an evening plan? I must not let myself down. I don't want to be starting afresh, I want to be back on track, losing weight, updating my tracker, ticking off things I've achieved and buying lovely clothes and receiving compliments and not sulking in my PJs when I get home and feeling sick from pushing things in my mouth. I want to get to spring and be out in the garden and be confident about bending and sitting for long periods sorting everything out. I want my energy back, as man, has that been sapped by eating of Xmas - totally derails you from conversation or having the will to be sociable. I missed that part of the plan loads. I also would love to be ready for summer for once so I can wear the lovely dresses or a vest in the office and not be ashamed and try to put on a cardigan over the top. it'd be so good to be READY. Let alone for the wedding, but for life. To know I could attend outdoor fun events like BBQs without spending an hour crying when I see what I look like in a dress I thought fit, but doesn't. Or going out walking the dogs in shorts, without worrying that they'll ride up in the front and that I look disgusting and my thighs are chafing.
I want, more than any of these things, to feel in control. Releasing myself to food so early was really horrid. I have no control at all with what I eat, and the knock on effect of how I then feel about my abilities and self is really harsh, I end up practically hating myself and not understanding why my other half would be anywhere near me when I'm so vile. It's a real issue, and I need to get back into counselling and work through this or I feel it'll never change.
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Walked dogs, jigsawed - can I make that a verb? - Now settled down writing this update with tv in background. Feel a bit lost, as expected, but also know I shouldn't complain as don't have wee ones to cook for and the dry dog food doesn't do much for me.
Thinking about hobbies for summer. I keep meaning to do so many things and trying to work out if I just get bored easily or if it's a confidence thing. I've done running for 10ks, but that was when I didnt have dogs. Perhaps I should buy one of those dog runner things and get back into that? I've done language courses, they were always fun. I've tried adult piano, archery, poledancing... I don't know, I want to do something different and an acquaintance just mentioned joining adult ballet. How cool is that? I've considered climbing? Netball? Diving? Nothing seems quite right. A friend bought me and OH a Canadian canoe training session as she knows I love being near the sea but don't fancy the expense of sailing. Maybe that will kick something. I just want a passion that I really stick with!
Hmmm. What else am I thinking? I'm thinking about how hard I am on myself and what a drag it is. I curled my hair today and put on lipstick for office, and had lots of compliments about looking glam, 50s siren, everyone I bumped into said something nice. The first thing I think is that they're pitying me in someway. Its like the trying to hard thing that I've always feared, since regular bullying at school. I was only ever slim at 16 after years of being 'fat but quite pretty in the face' as adults would say. Kids of course just picked up on the fat bit. Boys weren't interested and I was clever so shunned. Urgh, just writing that out makes me feel ashamed. So yes, but now I'm an adult and a woman and absolutely need to grow past this and not be ashamed to look after myself. The basic health issue of being 5 stone overweight is bad enough but these mental parts, well, I worry I'll need full one to one counselling to get over that.
Thinking about hobbies for summer. I keep meaning to do so many things and trying to work out if I just get bored easily or if it's a confidence thing. I've done running for 10ks, but that was when I didnt have dogs. Perhaps I should buy one of those dog runner things and get back into that? I've done language courses, they were always fun. I've tried adult piano, archery, poledancing... I don't know, I want to do something different and an acquaintance just mentioned joining adult ballet. How cool is that? I've considered climbing? Netball? Diving? Nothing seems quite right. A friend bought me and OH a Canadian canoe training session as she knows I love being near the sea but don't fancy the expense of sailing. Maybe that will kick something. I just want a passion that I really stick with!
Hmmm. What else am I thinking? I'm thinking about how hard I am on myself and what a drag it is. I curled my hair today and put on lipstick for office, and had lots of compliments about looking glam, 50s siren, everyone I bumped into said something nice. The first thing I think is that they're pitying me in someway. Its like the trying to hard thing that I've always feared, since regular bullying at school. I was only ever slim at 16 after years of being 'fat but quite pretty in the face' as adults would say. Kids of course just picked up on the fat bit. Boys weren't interested and I was clever so shunned. Urgh, just writing that out makes me feel ashamed. So yes, but now I'm an adult and a woman and absolutely need to grow past this and not be ashamed to look after myself. The basic health issue of being 5 stone overweight is bad enough but these mental parts, well, I worry I'll need full one to one counselling to get over that.
Wannabe lollipop
Member
Hiya Tillymonster. I discovered your posts a couple of days ago after trying to write my own diary. I have been totally gripped and read every one of your posts. I haven't even bothered anymore with my diary because reading through yours reflects exactly how I'm feeling and the stage I'm at. This is my 2nd attempt at LLT. Lost 5 stone in 3 months about 2 years ago then stuff happened, gained most back and well the rest is history. I restarted in early dec determined that Xmas wouldn't break me. Up until Xmas morning that was when one thing led to another. Anyway, I'm back on course now and am due to weigh in tomorrow but don't want to see a gain in my book or face my councillor with a gain so will probably skip class until next week when hopefully it will be a half decent loss. Anyway, keep on posting and I look forward to joining you on your journey.
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Hi Lollipop, wow, what a lovely thing to say - thank you! I'm glad my random ramblings are making sense! I think to get to the point of doing LL we all have to be in a similar mindset and we've all felt the same to get to this stage. Please keep posting on here if you ever want to chip in or just say how you're doing, I like hearing I'm not alone! Agree with you about waiting before you go back to get down the weight. Although, no matter what I'm going this week, and don't think I'll be back down where I was, but I can't put it off any longer, and perhaps I need to face THE TRUTH about what I did at Christmas. Maybe I'll ask her to just record it in her notes but not in my book? Just so I feel better but know I'm back in teh routine of going to the sessions.
So, day 2, day 1 passed quite simply in the end. I was in bed and thought maybe my period had come but then realised, it was a hunger pang - it's been THAT long that I'd forgotten. So rumbling tummy this morning, to be expected until Thursday and then I'm hoping it will have gone away into the ether of ketosis.
Work is getting stressful again already (second day back), covering for someone on long term sick leave and the work is mounting up. Trying to set myself a 'flush line', which is, I get really stressed when i see the clock in the afternoon and realise i have only a couple of hours to go and at this point i tend to go bright red (ears and face) and panicky. i hate always trying to do more than I can, and that part of myself that won't accept that I can only do what I can. In fact, I've been starting at 7:10 and leaving at 4:30 and it's exhausting me already! So, that's what I've got to try and learn - it doesn't matter, no one is going to fire me for not doing all the additional work in the same timeframe as my own job. I also realised that i don't need to impress anyone anymore, it's awful to say it but I've been promoted to a role with nowhere any higher up to go to. There is literally no further to go (except up to director level). I realise now that I am happy with this. I would like a family in the next couple of years and the career woman I always thought I'd be has not materialised. i don't want to travel away from my home and dogs and husband (after August!). I want to stay where I am, work well, and not be subject to the whim of my company on travelling and so forth. SO, I don't need to keep thinking I'm not good enough, I am, it's fine, I'm fine. how do you believe that and stop stressing though? Is it all about weight loss and how I feel inside that makes me work like i do and panic that I'm a failure?
Weighed self this morning and still only registering 4lb loss since Xmas. Actually, quite good considering that I ate on my birthday when I hadn't planned to. So perhaps I should be quite pleased. Next week will be a different story, so I shall still go tomorrow night and have my class and get on with it.
So, day 2, day 1 passed quite simply in the end. I was in bed and thought maybe my period had come but then realised, it was a hunger pang - it's been THAT long that I'd forgotten. So rumbling tummy this morning, to be expected until Thursday and then I'm hoping it will have gone away into the ether of ketosis.
Work is getting stressful again already (second day back), covering for someone on long term sick leave and the work is mounting up. Trying to set myself a 'flush line', which is, I get really stressed when i see the clock in the afternoon and realise i have only a couple of hours to go and at this point i tend to go bright red (ears and face) and panicky. i hate always trying to do more than I can, and that part of myself that won't accept that I can only do what I can. In fact, I've been starting at 7:10 and leaving at 4:30 and it's exhausting me already! So, that's what I've got to try and learn - it doesn't matter, no one is going to fire me for not doing all the additional work in the same timeframe as my own job. I also realised that i don't need to impress anyone anymore, it's awful to say it but I've been promoted to a role with nowhere any higher up to go to. There is literally no further to go (except up to director level). I realise now that I am happy with this. I would like a family in the next couple of years and the career woman I always thought I'd be has not materialised. i don't want to travel away from my home and dogs and husband (after August!). I want to stay where I am, work well, and not be subject to the whim of my company on travelling and so forth. SO, I don't need to keep thinking I'm not good enough, I am, it's fine, I'm fine. how do you believe that and stop stressing though? Is it all about weight loss and how I feel inside that makes me work like i do and panic that I'm a failure?
Weighed self this morning and still only registering 4lb loss since Xmas. Actually, quite good considering that I ate on my birthday when I hadn't planned to. So perhaps I should be quite pleased. Next week will be a different story, so I shall still go tomorrow night and have my class and get on with it.
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Sounds like you're working your stresses our slowly but surely, which is great. It's the process of getting your healthy frame of mind back, everything is ok - nothing is worth stressing out over so much that it has a damaging effect. We all take a step backwards every once in a while, it's only natural. Give yourself a big hug and forgive any blips, say something nice to yourself, physically, facing the mirror, smile at yourself. It may feel weird, but a positive mind is a great asset. Treat yourself well and the rest will follow. x
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Thanks Minerva. Wow the first days of this plan are always so emotional for me - because i'm facing every damn thought as it comes and it stays with no food to mask it. Scary that I have to get used to incessant inner monologue again, I'm sure I am talking louder in my head than usual, is that because i'm building a willpower wall against eating and so I have to be careful what I think?
Anyway, just about to have a shake. Cant wait for the group and boost of purpose coming back tomorrow. I'm addicted to these boards again!!
Anyway, just about to have a shake. Cant wait for the group and boost of purpose coming back tomorrow. I'm addicted to these boards again!!
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Stay strong dear, the thoughts can be awful with no backup. I remember when I went on this diet I gave up smoking pretty much at the same time - now let me tell you, THAT was f---ing awful! But, I stuck it out. Still ain't back to smoking - it's been 4 years now!
You can do this, I know you can. Write it down somewhere, either into a private journal or into here... I found this journal keeping helped a lot - maybe that's why I'm back here. Just don't keep it in, bottling up is not healthy. *hug*
I just wish this forum was like it used to be when I joined, it was a whole lot more active!
x
You can do this, I know you can. Write it down somewhere, either into a private journal or into here... I found this journal keeping helped a lot - maybe that's why I'm back here. Just don't keep it in, bottling up is not healthy. *hug*
I just wish this forum was like it used to be when I joined, it was a whole lot more active!
x
Tilleymonster
Full Member
It has been a lonely place that's for sure (the journal, not my life, not another crisis, don't worry!).
So day 3 and all is well, feel sleepy but that's because I read too late and got up early. I work at home on Weds so it's a nice break to get things done without any meetings. It's too early to have any real news. Excited about the session tonight and can't wait to get on the scales. I don't even care that they're going to go up because I know next week they'll be back down again, it's lovely to have confidence in this plan.
So what have I been thinking about - well, I spent some time last night looking online at dresses and things as we have a wedding coming up at the beginning of February. Thinking about the fact that I lost 16lbs in the first three weeks and that if that happens again I'll be down in the 11s. Can that really happen so quickly? It's weird how the first days are so intense and then after a certain point I start to forget what number day I'm on as it becomes so normal. I was thinking how I don't even have any issue when people eat in front on me and if anything I forget why people would need to eat.
I wish I could quit smoking, it's something I have to do this year, without a doubt. I can feel my age and it's effects creeping into me in a really bad way. I hate the smell of it on me, I'm an ashamed smoker. But it's something else I'm addicted to that I need to learn to control. I can't imagine doing it whilst doing this diet, and then keeping clear of the evil nicotine for 4 years, that is just incredible. I can't wait to be able to say the same. BUT for now I admit I'm not strong enough to do both things at once.
I'll probably write more later after the 'class'. For now, milkshake down, and on we go.
So day 3 and all is well, feel sleepy but that's because I read too late and got up early. I work at home on Weds so it's a nice break to get things done without any meetings. It's too early to have any real news. Excited about the session tonight and can't wait to get on the scales. I don't even care that they're going to go up because I know next week they'll be back down again, it's lovely to have confidence in this plan.
So what have I been thinking about - well, I spent some time last night looking online at dresses and things as we have a wedding coming up at the beginning of February. Thinking about the fact that I lost 16lbs in the first three weeks and that if that happens again I'll be down in the 11s. Can that really happen so quickly? It's weird how the first days are so intense and then after a certain point I start to forget what number day I'm on as it becomes so normal. I was thinking how I don't even have any issue when people eat in front on me and if anything I forget why people would need to eat.
I wish I could quit smoking, it's something I have to do this year, without a doubt. I can feel my age and it's effects creeping into me in a really bad way. I hate the smell of it on me, I'm an ashamed smoker. But it's something else I'm addicted to that I need to learn to control. I can't imagine doing it whilst doing this diet, and then keeping clear of the evil nicotine for 4 years, that is just incredible. I can't wait to be able to say the same. BUT for now I admit I'm not strong enough to do both things at once.
I'll probably write more later after the 'class'. For now, milkshake down, and on we go.
Curvy1
Full Member
Hi - hope that you are having a great day! I hope your class goes well. I must admit that now i am on day 9 ( i think) that it does feel a little easier - I must admit that yesterday was tough but this morning I seem to be on top of things.. I can imagine giving up smoking is as tough as the diet so it would be really hard to do both
Wannabe lollipop
Member
How was class tonight? Am so looking forward to my next class now, even though deep down I feel like a bit of a fraud for not going this week because of my food indiscretions at Xmas. My previous LLC was so strict, there's no way I would even have dreamed of missing a class let alone having a slip up at Xmas.
Let us know how u got on.
Let us know how u got on.
Tilleymonster
Full Member
I'm emotionally exhausted, but in a good way...if that makes sense. Put on 6lbs. Fine. Get it off for next week, but was a little too honest and so shared too much and became the group focus. Spotlight not good. Well it is good, in that I feel way more determined. Will explain further tomorrow as so sleepy now. Still ketosis stick shows I'm back in the fat burning zone and that is a comfort! Xx
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Day 4.
All good today. Still trying hard to get up and give myself time to feel I'm looking nice for work. My previous efforts were always that I'd get up with 15 minutes to spare, sort dogs, and rush out, make up scribbled on, hair everywhere. Now I'm trying to get up and take time for me, have a cuppa, have a shower, do my hair and make up a little more carefully so i feel more confident in how I present myself at work. It seems to be working and I feel better for it. Hurrah.
So, last night... I put on as we know. I'm not reflecting that in my stats or ticker, because I simply can't be doing with reflecting this on my list. It did go in my booklet, so reality is faced. Wow, reality is so faced. Basically everyone had put on, everyone was discussing how off plan they went, and how hard it is to get back on track. How they keep eating. I was one of two to still do the ketosis test and be in ketosis. Anyway, I made the error when she asked about our original plans for Xmas and how they panned out, of speaking. Oh my. I explained that I felt rubbish at the time of eating because it represented not keeping a promise I made myself but that I am back on this and feeling that it's phase 2 and there's no doubt in my mind that I'm back on it. BUT (and I was speaking for all of us) I then said that 'getting back to it is hard and the thoughts of 'I could just grab some food tonight' are in my mind. (Previously people were chatting about how they had been stop-starting and were tempted to go and get takeaway after the session).
However, I think probably to cover everyone in the group she then passionately discussed my mindset, that I'm like a dog chasing my tail. That if I were a dog and she had a gun she would shoot me. Lol! That she doesn't want me to be coming back here all the time for a 'quick fix' and doesn't want that for me. I'm young and need to conquer this. That I need to go away and think about who I am, what I want from my life, where am I and where do I want to be. On and on it went, we over ran by 20 minutes with her passionately oomphing me on. I actually thought I would cry because my mind was in two places - 1) she's totally right, she knows me too well, oh god, what DO i want and 2) eeek, hang on, I'm back to it, no questions, trying to be honest about things and now I've been the group focus and been 'battered' a bit. However, I have decided to man up and take this as good because now I have had her full attention for a session, I absolutely don't want to muck up and I'm further determined.
I'm happy to be doing this plan, I'm not overly 'cross' I went off it at Christmas and for birthday. It's a shame and I didn't 'look after myself' or prove that I've learned things like some of the other members who declared they were totally guilt free and made better choices this year when confronted with food. But these are members that have been there for years, not weeks or months. Of course I haven't learned all that much, not yet, it's too early and I'll need more than 6 weeks to reprogramme my brain. By doing lighterlife I accept already the flaw in myself that is linked to food and how I want to binge. Sometimes though, I wonder if I need one to one counselling. But anyway, what I have learned that I never have before is that I do not want to be a fat girl, and I was able to drag myself back onto the plan, which IS a big step for me and I'm proud of it. Weak as that may sound, though I'm hoping it won't as you're all there with me, it is really good to know that I can confront my 'guilt' and make a detour and still know that I'm on that journey.
Sorry, babbling away. It was really good though, it's made me so determined as you may be able to tell and also got me thinking about how the next few weeks and months have to count to get me where I want to be. I have to squeeze everything I can out of this to get my brain ready for recovering with my feelings about food. But for now, it's packs and nothing else. End of. And that focus feels wonderful.
Hope everyone else is okay and not having quite such a mentally draining one as me! lol! xx
All good today. Still trying hard to get up and give myself time to feel I'm looking nice for work. My previous efforts were always that I'd get up with 15 minutes to spare, sort dogs, and rush out, make up scribbled on, hair everywhere. Now I'm trying to get up and take time for me, have a cuppa, have a shower, do my hair and make up a little more carefully so i feel more confident in how I present myself at work. It seems to be working and I feel better for it. Hurrah.
So, last night... I put on as we know. I'm not reflecting that in my stats or ticker, because I simply can't be doing with reflecting this on my list. It did go in my booklet, so reality is faced. Wow, reality is so faced. Basically everyone had put on, everyone was discussing how off plan they went, and how hard it is to get back on track. How they keep eating. I was one of two to still do the ketosis test and be in ketosis. Anyway, I made the error when she asked about our original plans for Xmas and how they panned out, of speaking. Oh my. I explained that I felt rubbish at the time of eating because it represented not keeping a promise I made myself but that I am back on this and feeling that it's phase 2 and there's no doubt in my mind that I'm back on it. BUT (and I was speaking for all of us) I then said that 'getting back to it is hard and the thoughts of 'I could just grab some food tonight' are in my mind. (Previously people were chatting about how they had been stop-starting and were tempted to go and get takeaway after the session).
However, I think probably to cover everyone in the group she then passionately discussed my mindset, that I'm like a dog chasing my tail. That if I were a dog and she had a gun she would shoot me. Lol! That she doesn't want me to be coming back here all the time for a 'quick fix' and doesn't want that for me. I'm young and need to conquer this. That I need to go away and think about who I am, what I want from my life, where am I and where do I want to be. On and on it went, we over ran by 20 minutes with her passionately oomphing me on. I actually thought I would cry because my mind was in two places - 1) she's totally right, she knows me too well, oh god, what DO i want and 2) eeek, hang on, I'm back to it, no questions, trying to be honest about things and now I've been the group focus and been 'battered' a bit. However, I have decided to man up and take this as good because now I have had her full attention for a session, I absolutely don't want to muck up and I'm further determined.
I'm happy to be doing this plan, I'm not overly 'cross' I went off it at Christmas and for birthday. It's a shame and I didn't 'look after myself' or prove that I've learned things like some of the other members who declared they were totally guilt free and made better choices this year when confronted with food. But these are members that have been there for years, not weeks or months. Of course I haven't learned all that much, not yet, it's too early and I'll need more than 6 weeks to reprogramme my brain. By doing lighterlife I accept already the flaw in myself that is linked to food and how I want to binge. Sometimes though, I wonder if I need one to one counselling. But anyway, what I have learned that I never have before is that I do not want to be a fat girl, and I was able to drag myself back onto the plan, which IS a big step for me and I'm proud of it. Weak as that may sound, though I'm hoping it won't as you're all there with me, it is really good to know that I can confront my 'guilt' and make a detour and still know that I'm on that journey.
Sorry, babbling away. It was really good though, it's made me so determined as you may be able to tell and also got me thinking about how the next few weeks and months have to count to get me where I want to be. I have to squeeze everything I can out of this to get my brain ready for recovering with my feelings about food. But for now, it's packs and nothing else. End of. And that focus feels wonderful.
Hope everyone else is okay and not having quite such a mentally draining one as me! lol! xx
Skinny girl
Full Member
Gain, what gain, nope don't see any record of it, so it has not happened as far as I am concerned and it will be gone before you know it now because you are fully on board. That must be so hard to have the focus on you in a group.
I agree with what you say for me about not eating when I am away but it is complicated with who I am staying with (will FB you ) but I know that I will be so cross if I break it for a week, well not break it because I can have the 3 packs and the protein meal but I just don't know how I can get away with eating packs while staying at other peoples houses for a week. I have saved 7 porridge packs so that it looks like I am having a normal breakfast, I have saved 7 soup packs for lunch but it is 40+ degrees where I am going so will look a fool sitting eating soup in that heat! I can then have a shake which I make with lots of crushed ice so could say it is an iced coffee or similar and then I could have a bar in my room later on. I just cannot admit to these people what I am doing : (
Wish I could give you a big hug you sound so harsh on yourself xx
I agree with what you say for me about not eating when I am away but it is complicated with who I am staying with (will FB you ) but I know that I will be so cross if I break it for a week, well not break it because I can have the 3 packs and the protein meal but I just don't know how I can get away with eating packs while staying at other peoples houses for a week. I have saved 7 porridge packs so that it looks like I am having a normal breakfast, I have saved 7 soup packs for lunch but it is 40+ degrees where I am going so will look a fool sitting eating soup in that heat! I can then have a shake which I make with lots of crushed ice so could say it is an iced coffee or similar and then I could have a bar in my room later on. I just cannot admit to these people what I am doing : (
Wish I could give you a big hug you sound so harsh on yourself xx
Wannabe lollipop
Member
Well done for going to class and facing up to it. I salute u! I know what you mean about one to one counselling though. My first time round there wasn't many of us in the group so it always felt very personal. We also had the option to pop in and discuss things. I get so much more out of the sessions when there's not so many people there.
Before Xmas I'd lost ver a stone and was delighted but then spoilt t all. It was soooooo hard to finally get back into it without having a sneaky mouthful of something here and there. Really can't be going through the emotional food roller coaster again.
Keep on keeping on Tillymonster.
Sent from my iPad using MiniMins
Before Xmas I'd lost ver a stone and was delighted but then spoilt t all. It was soooooo hard to finally get back into it without having a sneaky mouthful of something here and there. Really can't be going through the emotional food roller coaster again.
Keep on keeping on Tillymonster.
Sent from my iPad using MiniMins
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Day 5!
Wooo woooo!
So, good and bad news. Firstly, the good: 1) I've updated my ticker to reflect my gain. I want to be honest with myself, I am being honest with myself, and I want to know that eating like I did at Xmas is what caused me to get fat, so there it is. Updated. PLUS i feel so determined to get it off that I want to revel in the joy of it going back down again next week and celebrate what an achievement it is to get back into the swing of things when I could so easily have fallen into old habits and not bothered.
2) I met up with two female friends yesterday. I haven't been socialising all that much in the last year (depression/esteem issues/hermit binge-eating etc.) and because I have this dress fitting on Saturday for the wedding (eeeek - tomorrow), I threw myself into something totally alien to me. I tried on my (now very slim) friends' cast off dresses to see if I could use any for the office, or for social events we have coming up. Every single dress is now mine. I not only fit and am sitting here typing this in my size 14 dress with plenty of comfortable room in it, but I also undressed IN FRONT OF THEM. Granted, i was in leggings and my bra still, but I was so tempted to dash off and hide whilst trying stuff on, but they seemed quite open about me just doing it so i thought it would be good practice for tomorrow. And so I did. And neither of them ran away in disgust, neither of them screamed and covered their eyes and all they did is compliment me on how great I'm looking. In fact, I felt so good I got home in the late evening and then made my other half watch my try them all and there was a lot of 'wow, this diet works, and it works so quickly, you are looking so different already'.
Love, love, love it!
The bad news is that the woozies are back. I've always had a hard time when on my TotM, even if eating. Last time this happened I had the good advice to try more salt and to have some of the broth. So I'm trying that. It's not happening lots but now and again I assume the world has shifted but it's me! I'm incredibly tired too, but again, too much reading and not enough sleeping and covering all this work in the office. Trying so hard not to be stressed, but it's difficult. Although knowing that I didn't binge-eat makes me more able to deal with the workload. Well, no, the workload is still tough but I feel more in control outside of work. Instead of coming in and thinking 'last night I overate because life is so hard, woe is me, isn't it hard' I can have the clear distinction that WORK is hard, but not life, life is damn fine.
So, dresses tomorrow. I am still not sure what to expect from this, but I hope I have one moment of feeling nice, especially now I've practiced being 'watched' look at myself and assessing my body.
Wooo woooo!
So, good and bad news. Firstly, the good: 1) I've updated my ticker to reflect my gain. I want to be honest with myself, I am being honest with myself, and I want to know that eating like I did at Xmas is what caused me to get fat, so there it is. Updated. PLUS i feel so determined to get it off that I want to revel in the joy of it going back down again next week and celebrate what an achievement it is to get back into the swing of things when I could so easily have fallen into old habits and not bothered.
2) I met up with two female friends yesterday. I haven't been socialising all that much in the last year (depression/esteem issues/hermit binge-eating etc.) and because I have this dress fitting on Saturday for the wedding (eeeek - tomorrow), I threw myself into something totally alien to me. I tried on my (now very slim) friends' cast off dresses to see if I could use any for the office, or for social events we have coming up. Every single dress is now mine. I not only fit and am sitting here typing this in my size 14 dress with plenty of comfortable room in it, but I also undressed IN FRONT OF THEM. Granted, i was in leggings and my bra still, but I was so tempted to dash off and hide whilst trying stuff on, but they seemed quite open about me just doing it so i thought it would be good practice for tomorrow. And so I did. And neither of them ran away in disgust, neither of them screamed and covered their eyes and all they did is compliment me on how great I'm looking. In fact, I felt so good I got home in the late evening and then made my other half watch my try them all and there was a lot of 'wow, this diet works, and it works so quickly, you are looking so different already'.
Love, love, love it!The bad news is that the woozies are back. I've always had a hard time when on my TotM, even if eating. Last time this happened I had the good advice to try more salt and to have some of the broth. So I'm trying that. It's not happening lots but now and again I assume the world has shifted but it's me! I'm incredibly tired too, but again, too much reading and not enough sleeping and covering all this work in the office. Trying so hard not to be stressed, but it's difficult. Although knowing that I didn't binge-eat makes me more able to deal with the workload. Well, no, the workload is still tough but I feel more in control outside of work. Instead of coming in and thinking 'last night I overate because life is so hard, woe is me, isn't it hard' I can have the clear distinction that WORK is hard, but not life, life is damn fine.
So, dresses tomorrow. I am still not sure what to expect from this, but I hope I have one moment of feeling nice, especially now I've practiced being 'watched' look at myself and assessing my body.
Skinny girl
Full Member
Wow a new wardrobe fantastic, bet you look and feel great. So exciting dress shopping tomorrow have fun, who are you taking with you? I feel very light headed at times still, this moring I had to quickly sit down on the way to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to faint. Maybe it is a combination of diet and heat here!
As for me I am planning on sticking with 4 packs while away have not quite decided how I am going to tackle that but feel that it is the right thing to do, I just hope that people understand, I mean no one excpet you guys know that I am doing this.
Someone who had not seen me since just before Christmas so 9.5lb ago was just stunned today by how different I looked, I felt all awkward about it and just joked that I had a long way to go but she looked at me as if to say "from where" Believe me there is still plenty of me to go, I wish I could choose those areas though lol. I have really lost it from my face and neck and my collar bones is what most people are commenting on!
Can I just fast forward and be at the end now, I don't feel like giving up but just feeling like it is going to take forever, which I know it won't in the grand scheme of things and at least I am safe on packs I guess.
As for me I am planning on sticking with 4 packs while away have not quite decided how I am going to tackle that but feel that it is the right thing to do, I just hope that people understand, I mean no one excpet you guys know that I am doing this.
Someone who had not seen me since just before Christmas so 9.5lb ago was just stunned today by how different I looked, I felt all awkward about it and just joked that I had a long way to go but she looked at me as if to say "from where" Believe me there is still plenty of me to go, I wish I could choose those areas though lol. I have really lost it from my face and neck and my collar bones is what most people are commenting on!
Can I just fast forward and be at the end now, I don't feel like giving up but just feeling like it is going to take forever, which I know it won't in the grand scheme of things and at least I am safe on packs I guess.
