CarlyLanky140 - 11 stone 1lb to lose (2 stone 0lb down, 9 stone 1lb to go)

U star!!!! Fabulous work! I'm gonna properly update my diaries from Jan :D x
 
Merry Christmas to all cx
 
Having a lovely day! Been spoilt! :D gonna get bk to ww tomorrow... Got meal out wed and out with Nikki in Glasgow on NYE but otherwise gonna try to be good :) cx
 
I kno this diary doesn't get much action... Gonna try to copy/paste across all 4... Apologies this is a massive whinge....

This is going to be a long and rambling post... It's one where u don't really mind if u get a reply but u just need to say all that's on ur mind....

I tried my best to buy gifts my friends would like... And I got generic tat from people who clearly don't kno me at all! Think the ultimate present is a Houdini puzzle key... Please someone tell me what possessed my friend to waste his money? I kno I sound like an ungrateful cow... And looking back some of the pressies I bought weren't amazing but I really tried and thought about each person! :( anyways enough of that.... I got some lovely lovely things :) I love Christmas but boxing day is depressing.... It's all over and bk to work... I wish my family were like that all year.. No bickering just fun and playing games together not all 4 of us in 4 separate rooms... When I have kids I want a proper family!!!! I want to do anything for them and go to all their plays etc... But even saying that is depressing... All my friends have boyfriends/husbands and houses ... Fair few have kids... And I couldn't be further from all of those things....

I'm repulsive.... I hate how I look... But I'm so skint that I'm worried to lose weight coz I can't afford clothes!!!

My job works me so hard and every day I feel like I can't do it... I feel sick at the thought of going bk... The thought of work till August makes me panic... But in so terrified that if I try teaching it won't be right... How do u kno before u do it?!

Then my little sister who I love and trust and always bounce things off makes a flippant remark "there are only do many times you can say im bored of this" - why does no-one understand that my previous jobs were all a means to an end... Were never meant to be long term..... I left one job a month before I was meant to because I was bullied so badly that I had to go on antidepressants I couldn't sleep so feel asleep at work... I only just weened myself off the damn things 4 years later....

Why does no-one see?!?! I try hard at everything I do... Right now I feel like I'm just waiting to slip up and drop one ball
And all of them will fall.... I work 10-12 hours a day plus 2 hours driving time... I'm exhausted and fed up... I just don't feel like I can do the job... There is always something new to learn and I can't cope!!! Then my darling sis says "how do you know every job won't be like that?" arghhhhhh - does anyone have a clue what I do?! What I need to know?!

Sorry I sound ridiculous... Just needed to vent....

These new job offers are good... But obviously the same job.... Just nearer to home so save £150-200 a month on petrol and £2-5k more a year... But I'm do scared the new place will see how sh*t I am or will expect too much... And worried I will have to pay money bk to either of both for training if I do leave in Aug for teaching...

Most of all I'm fed up of the lack of support from my family and supposed best friends....

I just need to decide....

Resolutions
1. Sort job/career
2. Get to goal weight by new year (and as low as poss before being a bridesmaid)
3. Learn to love myself!


If u read this far u get a medal for reading that self indulgent rubbish! Lol

Snap out of it Carly!

Love to all my Minimins friends

Xxx

I
 
Oh wow.... Someone as unhappy as me ... I only needed to lose stone and half ... But I hate myself so much .... I feel ugly .... And I'm bullied at work by one senior sister ... Have always hated myself and think I'm up to nothing ... And that im a crap nurse ... And that everyone hates me ....

I'm a mother of 3 beautiful clever talented children and still live with my estranged husband who is a rather brilliant clever GP.. I had affair with a paramedic whom I'm still with .... It's a frickin mess and the guilt kills me every day ... And hate myself some more .... Vicious circle that I struggle with every day

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Massive hugs darling! U have 3 lovely kids and someone u love! Don't beat urself up! These things happen and things will sort themselves out! Can u report the bullying? Hugs x
 
Having a new matron starting so don't want to start on bad note with her so I'm having a rather clandestine mediation session with my bully ... To find out just what it is she hates about me...

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Hope it helps darling x
 
well by some small miracle I have lost 1lb! totally didn't deserve it but I will take it :D so just NYE out and NYD we have a big sunday dinner... but then 4 good days.. so hoping for sts/ sneaky loss.... then taking on 2012!!

I have so much work to do before I go back... have this big portfolio to submit for an exam on 6th and wont have time to do when back at work... best get working on it lol...xx
 
Hope everyone has a lovely NYE! See u in 2012 :) xx
 
Hey I just read your post of a few days ago - I'm so sorry you were feeling so pants (to put it mildly!), hopefully you are feeling a bit better and realise that however ugly/lonely/desperate/sad/ (delete as appropriate :) ) you were feeling, that life and you are in fact great - you just need to find a way of seeing it.

I can't help you feel better but, I noticed in the middle you pose the following question...

My job works me so hard and every day I feel like I can't do it... I feel sick at the thought of going bk... The thought of work till August makes me panic... But in so terrified that if I try teaching it won't be right... How do u kno before u do it?!
Click to expand...
Well I can help with a bit of advice on that one. I would recommend volunteering either with a school or a youth group. It's worthwhile as you not only get your PNC done, you get some experience to find if you like dealing with pupils and perhaps most importantly you'll add a couple of lines to your CV - with jobs scarce out there experience is EVERYTHING especially for an NQT.

Have you applied for the PGCE already?
 
I've done guiding for years and other voluntary stuff and have been into a school for 2 weeks but its dif doing it for life... I did the same for my current job and I hate it... I'm just worrying! Already applied for pgce :) x
 
Carlylanky

Well done in your lb weight loss .. :)

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Thanks petal :) bring on 2012! Xx
 
Well I am well and truly back on the old wagon - smoothie for brekkie, toast for lunch... yummy gammon for tea and a gym sesh this aft.... :D

Hope everyone has a lovely day! xxx
 
Monday 2nd January 2012 (Summary)

1. I stuck to just dailies
2. I did day one of C25k (and total of 80 minutes in gym!)
3. I got a bit of my portfolio done (my boss has allowed me to stay at home tomorrow to do it - best get on with it!! lol)

I had a bit of a stress mid-aft with work but I am ok... I think I will take the new job.. even though I may feel guilty ... and there will be a tough transition.... it is a lot more money and will mean I can work to work each day which will be awesome for the diet.... and then if I still don't like it I will start the PGCE in Aug (if I get on...)

xxx
 
Tuesday 3rd January 2012 (Summary)

POSITIVES
1. I have almost completed my portfolio (I will stay up till it is done)
2. I am back into WW - making sensible choices and planning!
3. I have booked a gym class tomorrow, Thursday and Saturday morning... and I will do my other 2 C25k runs :D

I am doing ok on the portfolio... still a fair bit more to do and it is slow going as I keep procrastinating... gonna try to get it done in next few hours and maybe treat myself to a dvd before bed... But I do need sleep before my first proper day back tomorrow (which by the way I am dreading :()

I have three (plus) meals out over the weekend - Friday is curry with my aunt and uncle, sat is tea and cinema with my ex for his birthday (as friends!) and sunday I am having a meal with my friend in London... Monday I will be having hotel breakfast, probably subway lunch before exam and then grab another sandwich or similar for tea on the train.... I am hoping that if I make sensible choices I can do that within my weeklies :D

xxx
 
Oohhhh will watch this space lol
Can you not make sarnies and take them ..?? When my daughter auditioned in London .. I took sandwich for train on way there and she had mcd on way back and I had the chicken and bacon mcd which is low in pp x
I'm back in track and have planned my food all week :-D had put 2lbs on at wi this morn :-( and two weeks ago I had put 2 in so in total iv gained 4... Not good .. Buggeration !!!!

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That will go in a week or two...I could but doubt they would be nice the day after lol... I will manage it no probs :) x
 
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