Liking yourself...how much does it matter to you?

[xkawaiix]

I would have to say I really don't like myself at all. I would also say because I don't like myself it hasn't always made me a very nice person. In the past I have often pushed and pushed until boyfriends left me because I wanted to test they wouldn't leave.. and of course they always did. I have done plenty of things that I am not proud of because I either wanted to prove I was good enough, or to prove to myself that I was worth knowing.

I would love to wake up one day and look at myself and say "Yes actually you are okay"

When I was growing up, my dad called me ugly, fat and stupid all the time. He rarely worked and would often say the the reason he didnt think he had to was because his family were useless filth and he didn't see why he should work to feed our ugly faces. His insults were often vulgar and humilating. I know he is the reason I am how I am and also the reason my younger brother is Bulimic. I've had mental illness problems for years (and I'm only 24) At the end of the day I don't want sympathy but I think for many people there will be similar stories to tell. People aren't born hating themselves, its a learned pattern I think. Tell a person from day one they are beautiful and worthy, and they grow up to believe it and embrace who they are. If I ever had children I would like to think that I would be able to fill them with some sense of self worth and well being.

My overeating is certainly just a side effect of my emotional hunger. I certainly know that I don't need to eat twice the amount I should. I find dieting so hard because when I take away the food I feel bereft. Theres definitely an emptiness there without it. I do hope no one will laugh at my account because it is me being honest anyway ^^

 

[missy_ellie_uk]

This is a really interesting thread. I think that overeating is my self-harm - I'm punishing myself because I didn't like myself to start with, so I overate and made myself fat so that I had a reason / excuse to hate myself, if that makes any sense.

Its quite scary facing up to these things - I know I've got to though to have a chance of losing weight and keeping it off! Anyone else ever feel like this?

 

[marmite 330]

WOW! I would answer 'I hate myself with a passion' even when thin I felt huge and unlovable. I feel rejected by everyone and the resultant catch 22 is one minute I can feel happy and relaxed but it takes the simplist of things to make me go into self defeating, mind numbing self hatred and negativity. I read the post by Barb and thought well thats me really, but as I went on down the list of people I got to Lola' and that is me too, no wonder I cannot get to the happy plateau where I am just content!

It is a very important question to ask and a great deal of weight (sic) needs to be attached to it as children are as prone to self hatred as adults we need to start, especially with girls, to give them the tools to live a contented life and to be WHO the want to be, not someone elses version of them. I was watching tv the other day when a pop video came on of some girl group and it was almost pornographic the way they were simulating sexual acts, I thought then what hope is there for us! I find this worse than actual pornography as it is insidious, think about it, strictly come dancing, dancin on ice, etc the female presenters are always togged up in some revealing frock while the men are covered up in suits or the like, nothing wrong with looking nice in a beautiful dress but these programmes, especially the Holly Willoughby ones appear to be there purely to titilate the men folk. It is funny that I realised recently that I am a prude!! Made me laugh, but it was down to my dad, always saying you are not going out of the house wearing that!

End of ramble! Sorry

 

[Katycakes]

Brilliant thread. I think it's clear from the replies that lack of self-love is a factor in weight gain for many of us... me included. It's not about vanity or being smug, just about feeling good in your own skin, and most of us really don't feel good in our skin, right? Xkawiix's post was dead on, scarily honest, but I bet many of us can relate to it. Go, girl, you are not just on a weight-loss journey but one of self-discovery... we all are.
xxx

 

[Dieting Rambler]

I think people (including myself) mix up Self Worth with Body Image.....Whether I am a good person is not actually affected by whether I am a size 8 or a size 28.........so saying I would 'like/love' myself when I am a size 10 is setting myself up for failure, because being a size 10 is not going to change 'ME' it is only going to change the body shape of where 'ME' lives...............I have found through my own research over the years, reading, talking to, and seeing people who have lost a lot of weight and put it back on, that a common thread they talk about is that they still didn't like themselves when they were slimmer.....So I am trying to work on both my self worth and body image, and I am attempting to separate the 2, yes I am obese, yes I need to lose weight, but whether I am a size 24 or 14 I am still going to be me, the one who loves people, cares for people and tends to be a bit obsessed

 

[Katycakes]

DR that's dead on, the weight loss is only a part of all this for me. Alot of stuff that needs sorting is in my head... I look quite confident and successful even from the outside, yet inside there is all this fear, and a mad impulse to sabotage anything that seems to be going too well. It applies more in some areas of my life than others - family & career seem OK, body & self not so OK!
For me, getting the self-esteem sorted and working on my emotional eating triggers is probably more important than the diet itself, but CD gives me the space to work on those things, and this forum is a great place to explore the random thoughts that surface as we follow our journey along.
xx

 

[Dieting Rambler]

Katycakes...kinda freaky how our brains are working in the same way

 

[Katycakes]

DR, I don't think we are the only ones! I started off being so wrapped up in the CD diet & so enthusiastic about it... I still am... but during my break from SS over Xmas I fell into a binge which was so clearly a reaction to some emotional stress that was going on that day. It scared me, as I thought I'd got all of that sorted (I thought CD was some kind of magic wand!) but now I am glad it happened as it showed me so clearly what was going on. Posted the Emotional Eating thread on the 100% forum & so much amazing feedback came up... it's pretty clear now that this isn't quite the journey I imagined I'd be taking, but it's the one I NEED to take if I am to be slim and stay that way. And now I can see that the inside problems are actually way more important to sort than the visible ones, if that makes sense!
So, no answers yet but happy to be asking the questions anyhow!!!
xxx

 

[PurpleButterfly]

What an interesting and amazing thread.

For me, it's taken me a long time to arrive at this stage - but nowadays I do actually like and love myself - as size 16 or size 10. I'm so very lucky to have friends and family who also love and like me whether I'm 16 or 10 (many of them when I told them I was going on LL said "but you know I think you're beautiful, right?" etc).

That's not to say that I'm perfect; I know I'm not by any means, I know I have my faults as does everyone. Occasionally I lapse into my old emotional self sabatage, i.e. I'm rubbish, I'm worthless, I fail at everything I do, but these days it happens extremely infrequently. It's not that I'm perfect, I'd just say that I'm "good enough", the way I am.

I definitely know how it feels to not feel worthy to be loved by a man, my first proper boyfriend I realise now was just because I needed a boyfriend and someone to show me that I was worthy of being loved. I also follow the philosophy that someone said, I want to be loved for who I am; I sort of made a pledge to myself years ago that "the one" guy for me would be someone who would love me for the way I am, but that I'd want to lose weight for. And luckily I've found that guy, whether he's "the one" or not, I don't know (I hope so, but this is a whole different issue).

I also think that this is the only life, and the only body I'm ever going to get, so there's no point in hating it; whether I hate it or love it, it's the way I am and nothing can or should change me as a person, unless it's something that I want to do for myself. If others can't accept me then that's their problem.

Although I am overweight now, I don't struggle with my weight normally, I have maintained this higher weight for years now. But now I would like to maintain the weight at a lower weight hence why I'm on LL.

 

[slendablenda]

Not just a diet

Yes ladies. i absolutely agree. When I was about to start LL I looked on it as just "doing a drastic diet".
I very soon realised that the mental journey is the key to it all.
The CBT/TA and counselling aspect is what has made the difference for me. So much so that some weeks people have asked me how much weight I lost and I couldn't tell them because it wasn't the main focus.
I have come to know and understand myself so much better - and oh yes, i've lost 12stone on the outside too.
Fabulous feeling.

 

[Katycakes]

Slenda you are a real inspiration. I think realizing that the hard work goes on in our heads is part of the battle, but can't help wishing there was more support for those of us trying to follow that path! I know you did LL and that does offer support for that apsect of the journey, but I wish other plans would learn from that and follow suit... maybe I'm just hoping for an easy answer, I know it doesn't really work that way!!! Anyway, thanks for showing it can be done!
xxx

 

[slendablenda]

Thanks Katy

I'm lucky. i have a fantastic LLC which makes such a difference. But as with any counselling type thing you do have to be ready to confront the issues for it to work.
I notice that other longer established weight loss programmes are starting to include more emphasis on the psychology aspect.
In the past anyone who had an eating disorder which made them thin e.g anorexia, bulimia etc was looked upon as having a mental health issue.
Anyone who had an eating disorder which made them fat was looked on as being a pig!
How does than work?
Maybe society is beginning to realise that our body and our head do not work separately.

 

[Katycakes]

Slenda, that's a very good point... some of the postings & blogs on this site are full of such sad stories of bullying, all because kids have been a bit overweight - as a society, we treat fat people like dirt. I wonder if that comes from fear of being the same? As society is so hung up on that whole, mad, size zero thing, and we have anorexic models held up as style icons and symbols of beauty, and then the gossip mags are full of photos of celebs who are either 'too fat' or 'too thin'. I think our society is seriously messed up, and those of us who are not thin are left with more issues & confusion than ever.
Oops... got a bit carried away there!
Anyway, you're right, the two things do work together and that's definitely the way forward for anyone wanting to lose weight. I guess I have a chance of sorting my own problems out, but society... well, that one's beyond me!!!!
xxx

 

[marmite 330]

...

 

[Katycakes]

Jos, thanks for the support. Don't want to come over as a total basket case, I swear if you met me you wouldn't have a clue how messed up I am, I have realized lately how expert I am at hiding it all, even from those close to me. It's only since Xmas I have started to take the lid of things and admit that my journey is not really just about weight loss but something a bit more complicated.
So early days & baby steps, really, but the forums are helping as I no longer feel so alone or so lost. At least, I know I'm not the only one lost!!!
I notice you are 'in the back of beyond' which may be why you noticed I'm very rural too, you're very wise... no, I haven't got a lot of support locally, none really. My CDC is lovely but not clued in at all on compulsive eating, her advice is to 'drink more water'. I just wouldn't dare to look for another kind of help, although in the last few months no less than three good pals (not locally alas) have started having therapy. Each one was a surprise. I have a big fear of that, though, and feel I should be able to sort this myself... so I'm doing my best with books and the support I get on this site.
Thanks for being there... I appreciate it!
xxx

 

[marmite 330]

I too never accepted that HELP was available and thought I knew what was

 

[marmite 330]

...

 

[Katycakes]

Jos, thanks so much for your kindness. Your words make a lot of sense. I guess I am a control freak really, I often feel like I have to do stuff myself, as if asking for help is a sign of weakness. But my logical head knows that is crazy!
I can see my emotional eating is NOT a good way of coping with things, & I know I have to sort that. But maybe getting some help to do it would be a good idea!
I think I am a bit like your work colleague, a people-pleaser, so I can identify with what you are saying there... for me, I behave that way because I want everyone to like me... I am terrified of showing anger or disagreeing or being too assertive, in case they withdraw affection. But I guess that's all about looking for affection from someone else, who has always said they loved me but acted in a way that made it very hard for me to believe. Hmmm. Even thinking this through & writing it down is quite a revealation to me!
I wish counselling was an option, but I don't know of anything in my area. Then again, if there was, I know I'd be scared stiff of it. But I can see that it has helped you and that's encouraging, & my friends who have gone that route say it is helping them too. I guess there are a lot of us out there with stuff to sort. Thanks for your support Jos. )
xxx

 

[slendablenda]

Hi Katy
It sounds as though your head is getting into the right frame of mind to start addressing the reasons for the compulsive eating. You are starting to look more in depth at the reasons behind not only your emotions, behaviours and relationships, but those of the people around you too.
I agree with Jos, there is professional help available from people trained to help you through that process.
They can't sort things out for you. They are facilitators who help you see things more clearly so you can begin to sort them out for yourself.
I have been lucky because with LL cognitive behavioural therapy is part of the package and our LLC is a trained counsellor who actually trains other counsellors (nothing to do with LL).
To me it has been a crucial part of my success in losing all this weight for the first time in over a quarter of a Century.
I believe you can be referred for counselling by your GP for CBT as well as counselling. There's probably a waiting list.Why not ask to go on it.
Sometimes we can be too proud thinking we can sort things out for ourselves.
If that's the case why do we still have weight/food issues?
You have already said that posting thoughts on this forum and discussing your difficulties is helping you see things in a different perspective.
What can you lose? Apart from weight!
Good luck xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Thanks Jos & Slenda for your support & patience. I will try to take on board your advice, I know it is good advice. Big hugs.
xx