Using my diary to let my feelings out, as I'm struggling so much I just need to write, and write. Otherwise my sadness just goes round in my head. My ex told me at the weekend she'd found someone else, and kept talking about her (how great she is, how if it keeps going how it is, she can see them getting married in a couple of years, buying a house together, about going on travels together, showing me photos). I should be happy for her, 9 months on from our 2.5 yr relationship ending...especially as it was quite mutual. The problem is I loved her to bits, but she treated me badly (very much so) but nobody else like that (very good to friends). With her not willing to communicate her problems, there wasn't a way forward. What is absolutely gutting me inside (I feel like I can't breathe properly, like she's punctured by heart and lungs) is that she is being so lovely to this other woman. If she treated me like that, we wouldn't have needed to lose 2.5 years. I can't tell any of you (not that anyone will be reading this) how much we went through together. Despite problems, they were all caused by lack of communication, her drinking, our busy lives, her not willing to leave the house (i.e. being cooped up all day when I used to travel 14hr round trip to see her before I moved down to England for her). She's been there through me coming through a tough time at work, with coming out to my strict traditional parents, we've talked about and share so many dreams. It all seemed such a waste to let it go, but what can you do when someone won't talk. Being with me she stopped drinking, lost 5 stone, became outdoorsy (which is something I love - the outdoors). But she still treated me bad (I'd sit the wrong way on the sofas, and she'd get annoyed because that's not how you're meant to sit on cushions, etc). It was little stuff but constant. But also I used to buy her little presents to surprise her, thoughtful little stuff. I'd tell her I miss her but she'd say you're seeing me soon anyhow. It seemed she took me for granted, but if I ever tried to leave she begged me not to. And I stayed, I adored her still. I know I was better off out of that situation - but not if she was going to be like she is now. (She was 3 yrs out of a horrendous relationship when I met her, and always comparing me to her ex, worried I'd become like her). I can't believe after 2.5 yrs she wouldn't even talk to see if things were salvageable, or to at least give closure. I don't get how people just stop loving each other (I don't mean she's wrong to move on, or anyone else is, just that I don't get how to do it myself). Our life together, despite our problems, had periods of wonderfulness, and was very comfortable. And we matched on many many levels if only she had treated me better. She's older than me and always wanted to settle down, so I couldn't understand why she'd throw away a chance with someone she professed to love, who she matched with on so many moral levels, who wanted the same things in life - without even trying.
I dealt with it till I found out about her and someone else, as I realised then she treats her wonderfully (and of course I wouldn't want her to treat anyone else badly). It just seems if she'd been this way with me, we would have had a wonderful life like we dreamed of - house by the coast, log fire, cats and a dog, chickens, walks by the sea, travel, etc, etc, etc. I'm gutted. I feel like I met her at a low point (about to lose 1 job through it not being needed any more, and working hard to secure another, her at her heaviest and crankiest, her when she wouldnt get out of bed till afternoon, her when she'd drink 7 or 8 cans/bottles a night, when she was cranky so often). And now she's lost all the weight and stopped drinking and is active, she's dropped me thinking I'm worthless/not worth the effort.
I think that she finds my worthless for a few reasons e.g. she talks about a house together with the new woman but says she wants her to know she wouldn't expect her to feel like she should sell up her own house. With me she had a major fallout with me because she wanted me to sell up to fund a house together (this was early days and we weren't even talking about houses) as we could both go halfs on the mortgage but she wouldn't have much of a deposit to put in. I struggled with this, as the reason I had money/security in a house, is because I lived very frugally and was still living on beans at times (value beans at that) whilst she was spending £2000 a year on drinking at home. Why is she so nice to this new lady, and respecting her building up her life/property, but was horrible to me for the same reason. It makes me feel like I was not worth it.
And now she's come out, and this lady is part of her professional environment. I had to hide if she saw any of her pupils because she'd told everyone she was dating an Indian (everyone assumed man). That wasn't fun in town. It was in case people put 2 and 2 together and realised she was gay and it was an Indian woman not man. Not this new woman is doing stuff together with her.
And the whole weight thing - she said this new woman wouldn't have fancied her when she was fat, and sexual chemistry is important. I feel like I saw her for what was inside, for everything I knew she was capable of, for who she was really - I would have been there through anything. It upsets me now that she is fit and healthy and not drinking, she's more of a catch but is with people who wouldn't have been with her if she was how she was when she met me. I feel like I've put in the hard yards, and someone else has stolen my future and I'm not reaping the benefits.
Yes, I'm jealous. And heartbroken. This other woman even met her father within 8 weeks. I was left alone 2 Christmases in a row while she went to visit her family who she is out to.
I want her back, but treating me like she treats everyone else. She knows she treated me badly and did apologise for it, and says it was about her. But she's not that person any more, and I feel like now she's better, I'm missing out
after all we went through. It also seems unfair she came out 5 stone lighter, I helped her with money issues (advice/switching products, etc), got rid of her drinking issues (not alcoholic, just drank too much) - whilst I came out a stone heavier (now more since we broke up - stress), struggling at uni (as she used to keep saying she can't believe I don't know this or that - which was upsetting as I know a lot, just about different things), and with lower confidence from it all.
It sounds weird but being gay, and being culturally vegetarian, and wanting a settled life, and her also being vegetarian, wanting a settled life, and wanting the life by the seaside and a dog - these are all things that were good and paper, and meant a lot to both of us. It made it worth working on to see how it could be. So I don't get why she never worked on it from her side (she did sometimes, and that's when we had very good months together, but that lasted 6 months tops). If I was straight I think I wouldn't worry quite as much, as there's so many fish in the sea, and you can meet your other half by chance anywhere - a supermarket, a coffee shop, bus stop, work. It's not to easy when gay. And the vegetarian thing is important to me (in the house, although outside the house, whatever goes). Going on holiday though I love to try lots of veggie places, and we shared that. I'm not going to find someone else that we're so compatible with on paper, it would just be making do, and I couldn't do that to someone else. Plus if someone with me 2.5 yrs, who I'd helped through so much, doesn't bother with me enough to even talk to me to see if we can salvage things or to give me closure, why should I trust someone else. I don't think I'm loveable in the long term. Even though I'm a good human being, who's done a lot for charity, who is caring, kind to strangers, loving and affectionate, honest and loyal, etc, etc. The kind of things I want in someone else. Plus it feels like a lot of gay women don't seem to be attracted to other cultures (although that said I seem to be more attracted to white women having been brought up here) or they want me BECAUSE I'm Indian-looking which I don't particularly like. She loved and embraced my culture but didn't want me only
because of it.
On the plus side all this heartache and feeling of loss, going back onto Exante when I've now no appetite, has been easier.
