Diary of a food muppet

[Muppet182]

Ah, I come to share the nonsense in my head following yet another set back. I technically started Cambridge Weight Plan last month and have lost just over a stone, but I keep finding myself still eating. It's not difficult, just eat your products woman and stop the nonsense.
To be fair, my binging has improved a lot, before Christmas I was just eating and eating and eating mindlessly and going in the constant circle of feeling **** afterwards so eat more to distract myself. I've came to realise the high functioning depression is taking it's toll on me. It's more than just my weight and appearance but obviously that's a major factor. I hate that I have this need to binge, today work was stressful so I went to the cafe across the road where I'd normally have a tea and skimmed milk but they had a special pasta on today so I just stress ate a massive bowl of carbs for no good reason. Then I had to pick up cigarettes for my boyfriend on the way home and just had to get chocolate while I was there as well. It wasn't until I was half way through the mini orange smartie eggs that I realised I wasn't even enjoying them and was eating them out of sheer habit or recklessness, I don't know.

So, after privately stalking many motivational people on here, I've decided to post my nonsense and try and keep myself accountable. If other people would like to chat or join in then obviously all the better, but I just need a space to vent and this seems to have worked for others. I want to be better, I feel like I have an illness and I'm completely stuck in a rut and I'm desperate to get out. I did well last year and started going to a personal trainer and love lifting weights, there was definitely big improvements to my body but as I tried to go it alone and see her less I got lazy and have gradually just stopped. I'm desperate to go back, I enjoy it, what reasons do I have not to go back? But when I try I just have this mental block, my body and mind just can't do it. I know I'll get there and I'm trying to take everything a step at a time. Firstly I need to shed a few stone quickly and to stop using food as an emotional tool. I know Cambridge can help with that, but it's me that needs to do it.

I want to look and feel good. I worry that my boyfriend doesn't find me attractive anymore, I've been a similar weight since we met so I know logically that shouldn't have changed but I guess I worry him seeing me be so obsessive with this and yet not be able to stick to anything long term is off putting for him. I feel embarrassed all the time, I struggle to make an effort with my appearance like I used to cause I just think what's the point. I love clothes and want to be able to buy whatever I want and just rock it. I want to be fit and to walk up hills and to go running and not be afraid to take part in things or be embarrassed to show up to classes. I feel badass when I'm lifting weights, I want to be stronger and do a muay thai class. I want to be confident and not want to cry when I see a photo of myself. I want to goto the beach on holiday and wear a cute swimsuit. I just want to be happy and I can't be happy while I keep letting myself do these things. I have a lot of learning and figuring out to do going forward with this but it's important to actually stick to it and not take bites here and there and not to go stuff pasta down my throat the second my boss annoys me cause then ill be eating pasta for a lifetime. One day I want to be able to eat one slice of cake and just move on and be healthy with the rest of the day instead of this aw well might as well just keep eating for the sheer sake of it attitude.
I'm 25 and have been chubby with food issues my whole life. I don't want to grow up much more and be this way, if I have children I want to keep up with them and be energetic and I want them to view food healthily and not go through the nonsense I have.

So my official start date is right now because I deserve better than what I'm giving myself right now. My consultant is amazing and she called me a muppet yesterday cause I told her I had a roll and bacon at the weekend (she's not wrong) hence the name. I want to be a funny muppet because of my clumsy nature, not because I can't control stuffing my face.

 

[Muppet182]

My original post is still awaiting approval but I will continue writing anyways.

Drank water and plenty of tea today. Had my chocolate chewy bar for lunch with a cup of tea and i'm tempted to go and have a golden veg drink to keep me going. I keep thinking about food, i don't particularly want anything I just have this thing in my head saying "aw just have that and start properly next week" but starting next week is never ending, so i'm just not doing it. Tomorrow will be a struggle and i just ate a creme egg out of boredom. ugh. as soon as i'm stupid i find it hard to stay on plan and i'm really trying to, my head just isn't totally into it yet and it's a nightmare especially since i'm paying like 50 quid a week to try and lose weight fast. Everyday it's like aw just one more day just one more day of eating then we'll do it then we'll stick to it. My heads going mental with it it's like it's buzzing at me, i dont know why i cant just do it, i think part of me just wants it to happen for me, we all know it doesn't work like that and i dont know why im making myself struggle so much. I start a bit later tomorrow and i would really like to get up and do some weights. Exercising definitely does make you feel better and if i get up early then that'll set me up for the day. I need to face reality, but i guess i'm just not quite there yet can someone shake and slap me please? I should be nearly at 14st now but i'm still in the high 15s and i have nothing and no one to blame but myself.

I will do this. I'm going to read a book that had good reviews to try and get this in my head. Don't be a muppet. Didn't even like the fecking creme egg grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[liyah]

Hiiiiiiii, omg you are me I thought it was just me that eats and i too dream of a day where i can eat ONE slice of cake and not the whole damn cake because my self control is that bad.. I am starting my cambridge diet tomorrow it will be the first day can’t wait for the transformation I know it’s going to be hard but it will be worth it seeing the inner better me come out I just hope i get there. this whole self control with food thing is hard how do people do it

 

[Muppet182]

Hiiiiiiii, omg you are me I thought it was just me that eats and i too dream of a day where i can eat ONE slice of cake and not the whole damn cake because my self control is that bad.. I am starting my cambridge diet tomorrow it will be the first day can’t wait for the transformation I know it’s going to be hard but it will be worth it seeing the inner better me come out I just hope i get there. this whole self control with food thing is hard how do people do it

Hello!
LOL I'm glad it's not just me, honestly I could be stuffed to the point of feeling sick but nope still want all dat cake haha. I've been a bit rubbish the last week because of everything that's going on, but it's made me realise I'm a total stress eater as well as a cake fanatic haha. I'm now working from home and starting again properly today, I'm stocked up on cambridge stuff thanks to my lovely cdc and other than milk for my tea I'm avoiding the shops. How are you getting on with it?? I totally get you with the self control thing, my boyfriends like the opposite of me where he doesn't eat when he's stressed n he's just so skinny whereas I'm sitting stuffing biscuits in my mouth (biscuits are as bad as cakes for me ). You can do it! It's not easy and I struggle a bit with the repetitive of the products but my cdc said days I feel like that I should add in a 200 calorie meal like step 2 which I have found helps. Stay strong and keep going, we can do this! Hope you're getting on okay and staying safe during this weird time in life! X

 

[FaeFaeFiFi]

Hey Muppet... I dont like calling you muppet, much... can I call you Kermit? I resonated with so much of your posts and I just wanted to send you some love. Its bloody hard. When I did cambridge before it taught me so much about what led to me overeating... if you look at it as an educational experiment instead of beating yourself up, it sometimes just gives lightbulb moments instead of major downfalls. Not always though. You're learning new stuff, its never going to be easy. You're trying to break lifetime habits... thats huge and scary and your body and nervous system and mind will try and say HEY HEY HEY no no no this feels uncomfortable, I dont like it, 'sameness' felt safer, even though it wasnt what was best for us. And its your job to say, hey guys, hey hey hey, its ok... we're trying summit new and its going to be ok, lets be brave, lets just try it. And thats flipping hard when you have a really negative self talk/inner dialogue going on.

I'm starting cambridge anew, i've done it before, last in 2016 but since I had a lottttt of life stress and a new child so I gained it back for the first time. The time before I did it in 2012 and I gained some back but not all which I then lost again. Since the last time i've been looking into, studying and healing from trauma and I have noticed how much eating habits can be tied into trauma. All kinds of trauma - like not feeling loved enough all the way through to severe abuse or neglect or war. But basically I learned that we go into different modes, fight, flight, freeze and so on when we feel threat and if we dont have tools to overcome that mode/that perceived threat then we do other things to feel safe. Like eat too much, or hide away, or repeat abusive voices we heard about us directly to ourselves instead. Theres so many ways it ties into stuff... like fear of not having enough leads to over eating, fear of being too much can lead to it. And it has literally become a survival mechanism for some of us... what can we not survive without? Food. It is so so tied in to our needs. The only way you overcome it is to make yourself feel safe again. Every time you catch yourself feeling really negative or beating yourself up, try and shift your attention to something nice. Anything nice... a bit of light on the wall, a warm sensation on your skin, something funny etc. It helps your nervous system increase its capacity for the stress it can hold, which helps you act less in the moemnt over time. The stuff going on in the world at the moment is SCREAMMMMMING threat and danger and survival so you will notice this stuff way more. You can look on youtube for 'somatic experiencing' exercises... theyre great. Or a book - waking the tiger, or the body keeps the score. Fascinating!

Anyway... went on a bit of a rant then... I think I needed to be reminded of this stuff as today more than you probably need to hear it so thank you for creating a self awareness container for me lol. Today is my restart day too. We can do it together and you're not alone.

Be kind to yourself x

 

[rosa238]

Hi! Not sure if you're still on this thread but reading your post resonated with my waaay too much. I'm also 25, and everything you said was what I'm going through! I started the diet in Feb but only lasted about a week which I didnt stick with it strictly (got a nandos straight after my first weigh in..). However I did lose 4kg that week!
Just started again 2 days ago- did well the first day, the second day I did well up until like 10pm where I went for a cup of tea and ended up eating toast and a brioche roll... I've made myself sit upstairs so I'm not near the kitchen and tempted anymore!!
I hope you are still on this post (or anyone else) as I feel like writing about my journey makes it a bit easier?

For anyone else- if I did have a massive craving, would it be ok for me to eat something that is keto friendly? Or will that mess up this diet completely? e.g I've googled and dark chocolate is apparently ok?

 

[FaeFaeFiFi]

Hey Rosa, keep at it!! It gets easier. Just have to get your mind in the driving seat not habits. Dark chocolate sounds like a bad idea to me because it has carbs in. Both Cambridge and exante have list’s off food that have very low/no carbs in. If you wanna find the diet easy, stick to products only for least two weeks but if you eat off plan only have protein like meat, quorn or eggs x

 

[rosa238]

Thanks FaeFaeFifi! I've started with a fresh mind so on day 3 now without cheating (big accomplishment for me) and haven't felt too tempted! And surprisingly I'm not too hungry but found that I no longer really like the dinner options so going to have to figure something out. My consultant knew I was struggling and we agreed I send her a picture of my weight every morning which is working wonders because I feel like I dont want to disappoint her.. good luck to everyone!

 

[FaeFaeFiFi]

Good work! I don't think i've ever had the meal options on cambridge. I switched to exante after two weeks on new cambridge as it wasnt working as well for me as it used to, but I have to have 4 products cause i'm a giant lol.

so glad youre feeling better and that you've found something that makes you feel more in control! You're never a disappointment to anyone though. Be proud of yourself for trying. So many people don't even try and achieve whatever it is they want to so youre already ahead x

 

[rosa238]

Good work! I don't think i've ever had the meal options on cambridge. I switched to exante after two weeks on new cambridge as it wasnt working as well for me as it used to, but I have to have 4 products cause i'm a giant lol.

so glad youre feeling better and that you've found something that makes you feel more in control! You're never a disappointment to anyone though. Be proud of yourself for trying. So many people don't even try and achieve whatever it is they want to so youre already ahead x

Ooh hows Exante going for you? I hadn't heard of it until I came on these threads but seems similar to CD?

Thank you for that. I think its because I don't have much self-discipline so the last time I tried this diet I got myself nandos by day 1!
I am on day 7 and struggling now though. Anyone got any tips as I feel I'm close to just giving up and eating something out of plan

 

[FaeFaeFiFi]

It’s going well. Same kinda losses and set up but way more choice. No consultant though but that part didn’t always really help me much. Bit reclusive at times I think lol. Cheaper too.

7days is amazing!!! Well done you. I take photos of progress to motivate myself, I write loads of rewards that aren’t food related like new bag or perfume or shoes or a game or whatever feels good. I look at the clothes I’ll buy when I’m done on clothes websites, I write a letter to my future self or from my future self, depending on which version I need to hear motivation from. Could watch YouTube inspirational videos or movies that feel good. Write a positive list of all the things you’ll gain if you stick to your plan. Plan a future week on a higher step for a ‘holiday‘. Write on my diary or read other people’s diaries on here. Read books,watch stuff and keep occupied. I’m decorating my daughters room at the moment. Maybe you could even look for some EFT (emotional freedoms technique), CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or somatic experiencing tutorials on YouTube for breaking habits or understanding cycles you get stuck in. That kind of stuff has helped me most. Noticing what I crave, when I crave it, why and all that kind of stuff. Learned a hell of a lot about myself through this diet lol. My diary is called diary transfer over on the exante section.

if all else fails... absolute last resort, low calories and no carbs. An egg, a chicken breast, some tuna etc.

most of all just believe you can do it. Don’t say you’ve got no self discipline... say you’re learning how to feel more in control, or you’re learning healthier choices, or you’re on a new path. It’s powerful To notice how you speak about yourself x